February

We've finally done it. We've settled into a regular life where we both have jobs and eat three meals a day. Endless days in which we crawl under the covers together at night and fall asleep in each others arms, unafraid and completely comfortable. It's everything I feared would be boring when I was younger, yet it's the most thrilling feeling I've ever known. She is my safety, and waking up to those sleepy, doe eyes makes all the bad in the world seem like nothing at all.

There are a million reasons why I'm about to do this; I think of a new one every day. Yes, she's already wearing my grandmother's ring on her finger, plus the wedding band and anniversary ring I gave her back in December.

I'm pretty much shit out luck in the ring department now that I want to give her something as I re-propose. I mean four rings is a little excessive, especially if you like actually being able to bend your finger. So I had to come up with something else. Something I could her that would mean something more. Something that will last forever. Something that will be a part of me until the day I die.

I fumble with the buttons on my coat, as I'm wearing thick gloves, but I've sneakily managed to get them all undone just as we reach the center of the gazebo. It's so cold I can see Henley's breath in little puffs in front of her, and her eyes water from the wind as she smiles and looks toward the frozen lake.

She lets out a little sigh of contentment, and it sounds like she's swooning. As far as she knows, today is just any old day, and the fact that she's so in love with it falls as one of the many reasons I need this woman in my life forever. Her peace is mine.

I let go of Diesel's leash and he runs to sit beside her, sticking his nose through the rails. They're an adorable pair. I'd take a picture with my phone if I had an extra hand, but I've got other business to execute. I take a deep breath and place my hands on her waist behind her. I lean in and nuzzle my nose into the tiny bit of skin showing on her neck. She's so warm, somehow, and the sweet smell of her skin always gives me goosebumps. I've got tons now, as I press a kiss to her skin and whisper her name.

When she turns, she kisses me before I get a chance to take another breath.

"Mmm, I love you," she whispers against my lips before she comes in for more.

She always surprises me, and she feels so good I can barely pull myself away to pull off the proposal. I rub my thumbs around the corners of her mouth until she pulls away and looks at me with a dreamy, questioning gaze like I'm up to something, and I watch her eyes go wide as I shed my gloves and pull off my coat so I can start unbuttoning my shirt.

I think she's holding her breath. Her cheeks redden from me, from what I'm doing, because I'm more powerful than the cold and wind. I don't think she knows what's coming, but she definitely knows something's up. I must seem nuts, taking off my shirt in 15F weather. I take her gloved left hand in mine and stare into her glassy eyes as I move her hand beneath my shirt above my heart. They were moist before this all began, but now they're pretty streams running down her cheeks, ready to freeze against her hot skin. She feels it...that we're about to add another big, beautiful moment to our story.

When she's covered by the fabric and shielded from the wind, I reach to pull off her glove so her bare skin can touch mine and attempt the speech I've written and edited in my head about two dozen times since last night. Her fingers trace the newly raised skin softly, but she doesn't ask what the new ink in my skin is just yet; she's just staring at me in awe. Somehow, this moment feels more real than the last time I proposed, and I actually find myself stuttering.

"Henley...Do you feel that? My heart...it's pounding. I love you, and I've loved you since the second I laid eyes on you. Maybe I didn't realize it then, or what knowing you and growing to love you would mean to me...but I can say without a doubt, that the moment I saw you, I knew you'd be something to me. Was it love at first sight? For a twenty year old guy, buzzed on a ton of beers, I was too stupid to tell...but yeah, I really think it was,"

A shiver runs through me and it makes her smile so wide I nearly lose my words. I find them, somehow, and continue as I see the changes just flickering in her gorgeous eyes. She's trying to listen to me and figure out my new tattoo at the same time. Her fingers push a little more and her palm spreads open to feel the wild beating of my heart.

"I know we're already married. I know we've done this before and that my insides shouldn't be shaking right now, but I'm overwhelmed by you. Maybe it's because we're older, or because I've grown to you love you more...more than life itself...Maybe it's because I know how dark and terrifying this world is when you're gone, and even though I know you're here with me now, there might always be a tiny slice of my heart that feels that temporary loss. What I do know is this – you deserve so many things.

You deserved a better proposal the first time, and a far better wedding than I gave you. You deserved to be surrounded by your friends and our family...even if you didn't want your parents...the Lewis's...there at the time. My family has always been yours. You deserved to pamper yourself, to pick out the perfect dress that will only attempt to make you even more beautiful than you already are. You should've felt spoiled and cared for...not thrown in a car and driven around the country like we hadn't just done the most important thing in our lives."

You deserved to be swept off your feet...taken on a real honeymoon to the destination of your choice. I should've found a way to give that to you...to keep you in bed for days and order room service...to take you on tours of a place you've never been. To let you explore.

You deserved to come home to a real house...for me to carry you over the threshold of a place we would build our life in. You deserved a husband, not a boy whose cars and drugs meant more to him than his own wife at times. But mostly, you deserve a chance to have everything you want. In a different life, I think we'd have kids by now..."

I smile as I see the tears continue to fall. It's a sensitive subject, because Henley's body has been through a lot, and we're not even sure she could carry a child. But she's said little things...hinted at the idea...and I think she should know that I'm on board for whatever she wants.

"I know that's something that scared me...when you thought you were pregnant I lost my shit. I was afraid of so many things, but if it had happened, it just might've been the greatest blessing of my young life. Henley, this life we've made...the chances we've continually been given...only prove that what we have is greater than anything that tries to come between us. There will always be us. Our love. Our story...and our memories...and if you'd let me, I'd like to promise it all over again in front of all of our friends and family. I'd love to see you walk toward me, down that long aisle, and feel that churning in my stomach I attributed to nerves the first time around. Now I know it's real, physical love. I want to marry you all over again, if you'll have me, and renew the vows we said before we had any idea where our lives would take us. I want to marry you...the woman who fell asleep...and the woman who woke up and looked at me like I was a stranger...because..." I take a deep breath, completely spent. I'm sure there's more to say. It sounded so much better in my head, and now I just sound like a wreck.

"Because when you woke up..." I say slowly, pulling my shirt aside so she can finally see what she's been tracing all along. "The first time I looked into your eyes...the first time I took you hand...your heart did this," I slide her hand away to reveal the peaks and valleys inked into my skin. "This pattern. Do you see the change? I saw it, on the screen, but I didn't say a word. I knew you felt it when I touched you...my love...even if you didn't know why. Maybe I'm creepy because I asked the doctor for the reading print out. I kept it this whole time, even though it's just a piece of paper. It's your heart, baby. And now it's on my heart forever."

"Ryan," she finally manages, falling to her knees in front of me. She looks up into my eyes, and I feel a kick in my chest, like my heart just restarted. Like everything makes sense. Like the life I've been given is better than any love story, any movie ever made. Her warm, chocolate eyes, still swimming with tears, close for just a moment while she tries to find her words and I close my shirt and fall to my knees in front of her.

"My God, Ryan," she's sobbing. Bawling. I breathe hard and my brow draws in, momentarily surprised by this reaction. Did I think she might cry? I hoped so. But this is so much more than I anticipated. This is the way it should've always been for us.

"Yes! Yes, of course...one million times yes," she sniffles as she wears the biggest smile I think I've ever seen. "You're amazing. You're...amazing." I think I've rendered her nearly as speechless as I have myself.

She looks at the tattoo for a moment, kisses the red skin just above it, then buttons me back up and pulls on my coat from behind me. I kiss her cheeks before the tears can freeze, and our warm breath mixes just before I kiss her. Our lips are wet from the tears we've both shed, and they stick and release, stick and release as our kiss deepens.

We lose ourselves out there in the frozen air for I don't know how long, until Diesel's cold nose and warm tongue find their way to our noses to separate us. He's kissing our tears, and we fall apart and lean back into the snow, laughing as we pet the little guy who has become such a big part of our lives these last few months. And as I sit there, watching Henley rub his little belly and laugh like she's never experienced a second of pain in her life, a calm washes over me that I can't quite explain. Her dark hair is dusted with perfect little snowflakes, her nose so red I could call her Rudolph...it's a moment I know I'll remember for the rest of my life. It's the moment I know I'd live through the pain with her all over again, just to relive this moment one more time.