A Few Months Ago

It's really early...or really late. Hell, it doesn't matter; I'm too charged up to even think about sleeping. The adrenaline running through my system has got me thinking I'll be awake for days. Or at least until I actually see her.

My eyes shoot up to the clock hanging on the sterile white walls and I sigh. It's just shy of 4 am. I'd say time has never passed this slowly, but the last four years have been nothing short of an eternity. I take a sip of my mediocre coffee and tell my heart to relax. It's going to be okay, right? It has to be.

Who am I kidding? There's no calming down. No closing my eyes for more than a few seconds, because nothing will ever come between me and my girl again.

Especially not sleep.

The call came when I least expected it. My music was cranked to nearly full-volume as I lie under the belly of a car, covered in grease and motor oil. It's a miracle I even had my phone in my pocket so I could feel the vibration of his call. I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I missed it after all these years.

The news came fast and I could barely catch the details. I think I pretty much lost focus after the doctor said,

"Henley woke up..."

I didn't even say thank you or goodbye. I didn't say a word after that first hello. Hell, I dropped the phone before I even took another breath. Then, just like my phone, I crumpled. I sprawled out on the cold, cracked cement floor floor, staring up at the buzzing florescent light hanging in my shop. I stared until I saw dots when I closed my eyes. I stayed like that for awhile, then slammed my hands on the cold cement just to feel pain. Just to know I was awake and alive...that this is real. I'm getting my wife back. We're getting our life together back.

Holy shit. Holy shit. I'm going to black out.

Okay, I'm not a very religious guy, but there are some moments I can't let pass without sending up at least a little thank you. I don't know about karma and all that good deed shit, so I'm sure Henley coming back to me has nothing to do anything I did the past four years. It was all her, because she's just that damn strong and amazing. She's everything, and she's been everything since the moment I met her, the very first moment I saw those big, warm eyes. God, I've missed them. I've missed her.

So I got my self together in five minutes, and was up and ready to go. Before I knew it, I was punching my credit card number into my phone and booking a flight to Wyoming.

That was 9 hours ago, and I'm still shaking. I took a cab to the airport because I wouldn't trust myself behind the wheel so rattled like this. The first flight was short and boring, but the second felt like I was traveling overseas instead of just to the other side of the Midwest. I spent the entire time thinking, staring off into space. Looking completely crazy, I'm sure. I couldn't focus enough to read or watch a movie, and listening to music made it even worse. Every song, every lyric reminded me of us.

Now here, in a hospital I've come all too acquainted with, my phone vibrates. I quickly squeeze my eyes shut once so I can focus, then pull it from my back pocket. The first thing I see is Henley. Technology has evolved, but I've managed to keep this one, gorgeous black and white photo of her as my phone wallpaper the entire time she's been gone. She's laughing, covering her pretty smile with her left hand, so I have the perfect view of that ring I gave her. As always, her smile makes me smile, especially right now as I swipe my finger across the screen to see what the buzz was all about.

Anything yet? I can't sleep either.

It's Harlow, the second most amazing woman in my life. Her concern is palpable, and she was the first person I contacted when I got the call. She may be Henley's best friend, but she's also mine, and I love the hell out of her for how supportive she's been of me. Of us.

I quickly type a message and hit send.

No. Still waiting. Going on an hour here already...they better not be wrong...

Of course I'm worried. The more time I sit here, the more terrible scenarios my mind and heart invent. They contacted me and I got on a plane as soon as I could, without caring about the scary details that might come along with it. And now I've got the time to think about all that. If I have to sit much longer, I might lose my mind.

Tell her I love her, will you? Right after you tell her how much you love her?

I smile and send back a simple okay before tucking it back into my jeans. I needed that.

I should've passed out by now, from the stress alone. Maybe I have. I've been trying to fight it, but maybe I really am sound asleep and dreaming. Maybe none of this is real. I could be dead, and for a moment, I almost think I am. I thought I'd have to be to get news like this. To see her again.

But I snap out of it when I realize this would be an awful heaven, just waiting and waiting...and waiting...

I wait even longer. Longer than I thought I could handle and tolerate. It's moments like this I wonder how the hell I waited four fucking years, when just a few hours are enough to drive me mad.

I'm just walking back from the vending machine when the door opens and a familiar face walks through it. He looks tired, too, but his smile is genuine and it somehow helps may worry subside, if only a little. I've grown to know this man over the years as he's cared for my precious treasure, and it's really good to see him. I know he's a doctor and they have ways of telling families news about patients, but I could hear the excitement and relief in his voice as he told me she was out of her coma.

It's 6:30 a.m., well before visiting hours but I've waited much longer than I thought I'd have to once I arrived. In my head, they'd be cruel to tell me my wife was awake just a few hundred feet away, then tell me I can't actually see her yet. But that's what happened, and I guess I'll somehow have to get over it.

His hand reaches out toward mine, and I'm shaking harder than ever. What will his first words be? I hope more than anything it's him telling me I can see her. That her eyes are open. That she's asking for me...crying for me...that she needs me as much as I've been needing her...

But they're not.

"It's unbelievable, isn't it? I've tried to be as honest and straightforward with you since the very beginning, so I don't see any reason to be anything but right now," his smile is sincere, but I know he has to wear it, even when the news isn't always ideal.

"Henley is awake. We've been running tests for hours. She hasn't said much, but her breathing is stable and the monitors indicate her brain activity is strong. We've told her where she is. We've told her to rest, to take it easy and not try to push it. We've asked if there's anyone she wanted to see..." he takes a deep breath. "We do that after a few hours to test memory, recollection..." His eyes shift, and I immediately know she hasn't asked for me.

"She just shook her head, closed her eyes, and hasn't kept them open much since. We'll know more later. It's early to say, and we have to watch her closely for awhile, but I have to be honest with you. We've talked about it before, but now that it's here and happening, it's not as easy to accept. With this sort of situation, it's possible she may suffer from some degree of memory loss. People, events...it's hard to say. I just want to prepare you for the possibility that..."

"She may not remember me," I say knowingly, even though I hope like hell he's wrong. I shake my head and look at my feet as I feel the tears prick my eyes. Of course I've always known this was a possibility. And I'd rather deal with this than what could've been so much worse. I shove my hands into my jean pockets and shift my boots a bit until I've gathered myself enough to look into his eyes. This man has seen me cry probably more than my own mother. He understands, and I couldn't be more grateful for what he's done for my wife. For my family.

He goes on to say more about brain activity and how she's tired, but all I can manage to do is swallow big, salty lumps of emotion. I love her so damn much, and of course I want her to remember me so we can go back to starting this amazing life together, but if not? I'll do whatever it takes to make sure she's taken care of and loved. She's my everything and she will be, no matter what.

"I'm sorry we kept you out here so long. Visiting hours don't apply here. Not for you," he says softly. "We just needed to be sure she was stable enough before bringing you in. It can be overwhelming for both patient and family. But she's able now, if you're ready."

"Doc," I take a deep breath and slap him on the shoulder. "I've never been more ready for anything in my life."