Chapter 24

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Tuesday - January 9, 2018 - 9:13 a.m.

I stared vacantly at the apricot walls of the urgent care waiting room—the same ones I'd been staring at just a few short weeks ago—as the incessant chimes of telephones and voices buzzed in the background.

The emergency room was beginning to feel like a second home, though not the kind you enjoy returning to after a grueling afternoon of football practice. I squirmed restlessly in the uncomfortable wooden chair, Axel to my left and Sam's parents to my right, hoping for a miracle while preparing for the unspeakable. After my last visit here, I'd learned not to let your hopes blind you from the ruthlessness of reality.

Every now and then my gaze shifted to the flurry of bodies zooming in and out of various doors, doctors scribbling hastily on their clipboards, nurses whispering among themselves. Their diligence was oddly comforting in this moment. I couldn't help but think about the countless lives that had been saved under their watch, how many families and friends slept better at night because of the tireless efforts expended for their loved ones. I was praying the latter would soon include me as well.

My momentary trance was shattered by a sudden nudge from Axel, who motioned to the doctor slowly approaching us.

"You folks are here to see Sam Gaines, correct?" he asked.

"Yes," Mrs. Gaines said anxiously, shooting out of her chair. "We're his parents. These are his friends."

"I'm Doctor Reed. I'm happy to say your son is doing quite well." He flipped through some papers, eyeing them meticulously. "As of now, it looks like a full recovery is on the horizon. It's a miracle we got him in here when we did. Luckily we were able to pump his stomach before the pills were fully absorbed in his system."

Mr. Gaines threw his arms around his wife. "Can we see him?"

"Of course," the doctor said calmly. "Very briefly, though. It's crucial that he gets his rest at this time."

Sam's gaze remained fixed out the microscopic square window as we walked into a cramped room at the end of the hallway. With the exception of the IV tubes cluttering his left arm and the fresh bags under his inanimate eyes, he appeared relatively unharmed. He was in much better condition than he had been only fourteen hours ago, as the EMT's loaded his stiff body onto the stretcher and peeled off in the ambulance.

"Hey champ," Mr. Gaines said, placing a firm hand on his son's shoulder.

"Oh, honey!" Mrs. Gaines cried, smothering him with kisses as she stroked his disheveled hair back into place. "Doctor Reed said you're going to be alright, sweetheart. Everything's gonna be alright. You just need to rest right now, okay?"

Sam's lips curled into a faint smile that lasted all of two seconds before drooping back down. I knew he was only trying to appease her.

"Do you guys mind if I talk with Brandon and Axel for a minute?" he asked.

Mrs. Gaines placed one last kiss on his temple. "Of course, honey. Try to get some sleep. We'll be back later tonight."

He cast his parents another faux smile as they exited the room. "Thanks for coming, you guys."

"Of course, man," Axel said. "We thought we lost you for good."

"That was the plan," he said as his gaze wandered back out the window. "Then again, nothing's been going according to plan lately. No big deal, I guess. There's always next time."

Next time...

The chilling nonchalance of his words was difficult to stomach.

"The doc says you'll be as good as new by the end of the week," I reminded him, desperate to shift the tone of the conversation.

"As good as new..." He pondered my words, letting out a dubious chuckle. "I'll never be as good as I was when I had her."

As much as I wanted to convince him otherwise, I knew it would be an uphill battle. His words contained too much truth at the moment.

Axel knelt down to face him. "Come on, Sam. This isn't the answer, and you know it."

"What if it is?" he replied. "You guys have no idea how much my life has sucked these past few months. There's a (..) part of me I'm in constant battle with, a part that's telling me it would be easier to leave this all behind. It's getting harder and harder throw a smile on my face every day just so my parents don't have to worry about me flying off the handle. I know it sounds crazy, but it's become exhausting to exist after something like this. Everyone gives you a few days to mope around, lay in bed, get all the grief out of your system. Then they expect you to move on like nothing happened—like you didn't just lose the most important person in your life!" He paused for a moment, clearing his damp eyes before continuing. "I've come to accept that a life without Hazel and my own happiness will always be mutually exclusive. Going to college, getting a job, starting a family...none of that will be the same with anyone else. And every night, as I fight to get even a wink of sleep, I can never convince myself I'll find another girl like her."

"It doesn't have to be that way," Axel urged. "You won't feel like this forever, Sam. Trust me, this whole mindset is temporary. It might take some time, but you have to believe me. You'll have a much clearer head as soon as you get out of this place."

Sam chuckled. "Do you really think they're gonna let me walk out of here like nothing happened?"

"What do you mean?" I asked. "They can't keep you locked up in urgent care forever."

"Oh, I won't be locked up here." His eyes grew empty suddenly, void of all emotion. "They're sending me to some inpatient nuthouse down in St. Louis. I'll be admitted next week."

"What?!" Axel and I shouted in unison.

"I overheard the doc," he said, tugging gently on the light blue curtain beside him. "These things aren't exactly soundproof."

"They can't do that!" Axel yelled, startling a few passing nurses. "For how long?"

"No idea. A few weeks, could be a month. However long it takes until I'm no longer a basket case. I guess I can kiss graduation goodbye."

As heinous as this prospect sounded, I cared too much for Sam to protest something that was clearly in his best interest at the moment.

"Sam, listen to me." My voice was firm now. "You are not a basket case. You've been through some shit most people will never experience in their life, and you have every right to feel the way you do. I just lost my girlfriend two days ago, and I can barely function. I can't imagine what it's been like for you these past weeks. But you know something? You will pull through this—just like I pulled through after my dad left me. Because that's exactly what Hazel would've wanted."

A wave of comfort washed over me as his lips stretched into the beaming grin I hadn't seen in months.

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