Chapter Nineteen

Effie's POV

I lay looking up at the calm blue sky that was being framed perfectly by the green of the trees that towered over me. My lifeless body limp and weak after facing death too many times lately.

My chest heaves up and down as I try catch my breathe, processing what had just happened.

I had too much to process right now- all of which stressed me out to the point where I didn't know where to put myself in this situation. I didn't know what to do or say, think or feel- I didn't feel like me.

I snap out of my dream like state as I feel the dirt shift beside me. I glance over seeing Harry lay on his back, staring up at the clouds. He was out of breathe and looked deep in thought- kinda mimicking my own.

I didn't know what to think.

This man, who I thought hated me, wanted me dead, shot me and told me he didn't trust me, had just saved my life.

Yet I ask myself why?

Why would he do that?
Why didn't he just let me fall?
Why did he try so hard to save me?
Why did he try calm me down into trusting him?
Why did he care?

He cared.

Why did I get this weird feeling in my chest when I thought about the fact that cared?
Why did I care about the fact that he cared? Was it a big deal to say that? I don't know.

"I told you I wouldn't let you fall.." I hear him say breathlessly.

I tilt my head to the side, looking at him as I lay in a mixture of emotions- not knowing what to say or do in the moment.

I watch as the sunlight cascades over his face, sculpting his already chiseled features. His sun kissed skin looked imperfectly perfect as it lit up under the warm tones of the sun. His lips pursed as he inhaled and exhaled heavily still trying to take control of his breathing once again. His broad chest moving captivatingly up and down as I admired him silently.

I couldn't deny the beauty this man possessed, but I don't know if that was really what I was admiring him for.

I put trust in him when I had lost all hope for myself and he proved me wrong. The man I thought him to be clearly wasn't the man he was at all. I didn't know what I felt towards him at this point in time.

"Why did you do that?" I manage to say, my voice coming out as more of a whisper.

I feel my heart racing against the walls of chest, slowing down from the adrenaline than had rushed up on my whole body only moments ago.

I watch as he tilts his head to the side, his gaze meeting mine as he exhales heavily. The green of his eyes matching the backdrop of the forest that towered over him- something I couldn't really take my eyes off of once I had been caught and dragged into a hypnotic state by.

"Why did I do what?" He breathes out softly as his eyes search my own.
He knew what I was asking- and I wanted to know the answers behind it.

"Save me?" I ask clearly this time. 

"It's beginning to become a habit of mine clearly" he laughs lightly shaking his head before looking back up at the clouds. I felt like he almost deflecting my question, like he didn't want to recall what had just happened.

But I didn't agree- this time it felt different.
I felt different.
I just couldn't put my finger on why.

I say nothing- not laughing with him or finding humour in anything. I was just lost in my own thoughts. Letting myself be consumed with different emotions and thoughts that I didn't realise I had.

"What?" He asks as he catches me staring at him, not speaking a word.

I had one thing playing over and over again in my head- 'because I care!'.

I don't know if it was because I didn't believe it or the fact that I was confused yet intrigued as to how and why he cared about me.

"I just-" I search his eyes as I try find the right words to say.
"I don't understand" I frown at him slightly as confusion takes over my expression.

He pauses as his gaze runs over my face studying my every move, emotion and being.

"I told you to trust me.." he says softly, allowing me to feel almost guilty for not trusting him in the first place.
"Haven't I saved your life enough times now for you to know that?" He laughs in disbelief for a short second before our eyes meet.

"I-" I start to speak but find no words as I feel his eyes study my own.

Did I trust him?

The warmth and comfort in which I felt as I laid beside him made me think that I did- but part of me still wanted to push him away.

"You still don't trust me though do you?" He shakes his head like he felt disappointed as my expression clearly told a story.

Why did I care if I trusted him or not?
What did he want from me?
Why was it so important to him that I did trust him?
Or was I just overthinking this whole thing?

"Why didn't you let me fall?" I can't help but ask as I feel the thought playing on my mind.

He didn't look shocked or confused as to why I asked him- he just seemed to think about his answer before making a move.

Like he was trying to say the right thing.

"Because I-" he stops himself, pausing for a moment as he glances away from me.
"I didn't want to" he says calmly shaking his head.
"That's not who I am" he adds as his eyes meet mine again.

Harry carried this persona that he was this cold hearted, stand off-ish, emotionless man who didn't care about others, which I was starting to believe wasn't the real Harry at all.

The Harry I had seen so far- he was stand off-ish, he was a little cold hearted at times but emotionless? I think he was quite the opposite. I noticed how he cared about even the smallest of things like the fact that I hadn't been eating properly or asking if I was okay when I went quite- just silly things that could easily be overlooked.

I don't know if that meant that he cared- but I wanted to know more.

"But you said you wanted me dead.." I can't help but get the thought from my brain.

"And you believe that?" He looks to me with a raised brow.
I say nothing- I didn't know what to say if I was honest.
"After everything?" He presses as I feel the air thicken between us.

"I don't know what to believe" I shake my head, not moving my gaze away from his.

"Me neither.." he says- yet I feel like there is double meaning behind his words.
All I could think of being that he still didn't know if he could trust me either.

But yet I find myself lost in his eyes almost as we sit amongst the silence, letting ourselves fall in the same state as the other.

It felt almost hypnotic as I gazed into his eyes.
The feelings and thoughts bursting inside of me, allowing me to forget everything else around us for the time being.

I watch as his eyes flicker from my lips to meet my gaze again- not once, not twice- but enough times to trigger this butterfly feeling in my chest that almost knocked me sick.

I hadn't even noticed that we had both subconsciously leaned in- the only give away being the feeling of his warm breathe caress my skin, due to the close proximity of our bodies.

I felt my heart start to beat loud in my chest right through to my ears, almost blocking out the sound of the waterfall crashing in the background.

I look from his lips letting our eyes meet once more as I feel his lips brush against mine.

Just as quickly as I felt them brush- the feeling leaves.
My eyes flicker open as I seen him squeeze his eyes shut- clearly fighting thoughts within himself.

"Um.." he pulls back, shaking his head before sitting up and looking away from me.

I feel myself let out a breathe I didn't even realise I was holding in as the feelings fall from every inch of me.

What just happened?

"We should keep moving.." he says as he pulls himself up, brushing himself off as he keeps his back to me.

"Harry-" I sit up, just in time to grab his hand stopping him as he goes to move away.
He turns around looking down at our hands for a brief second before I let go- feeling my nerves take over suddenly.
Why was I so nervous?
"I um- Thank you.. for that.." I feel my cheeks heat up slightly as my gaze drops shyly from his.
"I appreciate it" I tell him softly as I try ignore the fact that my hands were even clamming up.

It felt awkward between us- like we both didn't know what to do or say in the moment.
It was hard to ignore the tension that had now built between us and had now made its presence known loudly.

"Sure.." he says as I look up at him.

We both pause for a second letting our gazes hold one another's before he looks down awkwardly, clearing his throat.

"Here-" he offers his hand out for me to take as he looks away for a second.
I take his hand hesitantly allowing him to help pull me up.

I wince taking in a sharp breathe as I feel my whole body ache in ways that I didn't know pain could.  I grab onto his bicep trying to steady myself as feel my legs shake beneath me, my knees clearly weak and frail from adrenaline.

"You good?" He asks as he bends down to my level holding me up securely as I flicker my eyes trying to push away the pain.

"Mmhm.." I hum as I feel his gaze on me.

I start to flutter my eyes open as I feel the pain begin to become bearable, the green on his eyes being the first thing I see as I accept the state of my own body.

He stops for a second, almost double checking that I was okay as his eyes searched my own carefully looking for the confirmation in which he wanted from me before committing.

"Alright.." he nods slowly as he hesitantly let's go of me allowing me to stand on my own.

He stands back watching me carefully for a second before bending down and grabbing his bow from the floor.

"Come on.." he nods his head behind him as he starts to head away from me, pushing through the bushes to finish what we had started.

I watch for a second letting out a sigh before following on without a word.

We walked for what felt like hours, barely any words exchanged between the two of us.
The vibe between us was weird- one I couldn't explain. I wanted to talk to him, I wanted answers but I don't know why I cared so much.

I don't know what happened back but the falls- all of it.

His lips touched mine- he nearly kissed me.

My mind was all over the place.

Why would he kiss me?

Maybe I was dreaming? Maybe I was wrong- and it didn't happen?

It all just felt so surreal to me.

Harry hadn't found any Deer so far, to say we had been here hours it was annoying. I think the gunshots from early had most definitely scared them in other directions.

We walked and walked and walked.

I felt weak.

My muscles aching in pain.

My body tiring easier than usual.

At this point I was pushing myself from tree to tree trying to keep up and balanced as I followed on behind Harry.

I didn't want to stop him- he seemed determined, in his own headspace you could say. I think he had pretty much forgot that I was trailing along behind him.

But I couldn't carry on much longer.

I had pushed myself too far.

I wasn't ready for all of this- I may have been mentally, but physically I was a wreck.

I stop falling toward a tree for stability as I try slow my breathing down.

"I can't-" I breathe out softly, barely audible for myself to hear never mind Harry.

He kept walking, clearly not hearing me.

"Harry I can't.." I say a little loud this time as I wince in pain.

I glance up watching as he spins around looking over at me in confusion.

"I need a minute.." I huff as I slide down the side of the tree letting all my weight drop to the floor.

I feel my shoulder start to ache where I had been shot a week ago now- the wound still fresh for my body.

I shut my eyes leaning my head back against the bark trying to consume my energy so I could regain as much strength as possible.

"What's wrong?" I feel Harry now by my side knelt on one knee as he places a hand on my shoulder gently.

"I'm fine-" I try say as I push through the pain.
"I just need to stop a second-"

"Why didn't you say before? I would have stopped" he cuts me off as he moves sitting down almost in an sense of relief.

He sighs moving so his back was against the bark too, myself facing one way as he faced the complete opposite.

We both go silent, sitting with our backs to one another's- the only sound being the birds above chirping away.

I felt like I had a lot to say but no words to put with it.

There were things left unsaid between us- I just didn't know what. But it was creating this tension around us that I just didn't quite understand.

"Did you actually think that I would let you fall?" He shocks me by asking. He seemed unsure and almost nervous within in tone, making me see another side to him I hadn't seen before. He was always so confident, so this did catch me off guard.

Did I actually think he would let me fall?
Yes.
In the moment I did.

I was scared- I thought this man despised me.
I thought I was a burden in this mans life.
I thought he would take whatever chance he could to get rid of me.

But yet I was wrong.

He saved my life- for the third time since I fucking got here and I still didn't trust him? I don't know why I was so scared to but I just- my head was all over the place.

Sometimes he's questioning me and telling me he doesn't trust me like he sides with Ross.

And then other times he's sticking up for me, saving my life, making sure I eat and even sharing his books with me.

What was I to think?

I had been in such a short time- yet it felt like a lifetime.

"You know why I thought that.." I tell him as I look down at my hands, noticing all the tiny cuts I now had on my fingers from hanging off the rocks earlier.
"You're confusing me" I sigh almost just telling myself that but letting it come out from my thoughts too.

He laughs lightly behind me making me frown as I glance to the side.

"I'm confusing you?" He laughs.
"I've been trying to figure you out since you fucking got here" he tells me causing me to look away again.
"I'm still trying now.." he sighs as I hear his boots shuffle in the dirt a second.

This wasn't news to me- but I just didn't understand why he wanted to figure me out so much?
What was there to know?
If I told him or anyone here the truth they would kill me or hold me hostage- at this point I still had hope that I would go home some day.
I could jeopardise any of my chances for that to happen.

But I couldn't deny that I was intrigued to know what he thought of me thus far.

"And?" I press.

A pause of silence fills the air around us.

"And I-" he stops himself.
"You have your guard up so high kinda makes it impossible for me to know shit" he sighs.

I say nothing- knowing I couldn't argue with that.
It was the truth.

"But-" he surprises me by continuing.
"I know you like books" he laughs lightly making me smile to myself too.
"Really helps me figure you out.." he jokes making me laugh softly along with him.

"Key bit of information there.." I play along as we both continue to laugh.

"Well I don't see you coming up with anything better trying to figure my shit out.." he teases almost.

He wasn't wrong.

I couldn't work him out.

He was confusing and complicated- a layered personality that I was yet to understand.

I knew what he wanted me to- he allowed me to see what he wanted and that's what I was doing to him. He talked about me having my guard up- he was doing the same thing.

"You don't give me a lot to go off that's why.." I hit back humorously.
"You said if yourself that you don't trust me, so I'm never going to get very far trying to figure you out right?" I say in a joking manner but find my words to be anything but humorous.

"You haven't given me a reason to trust you" he says bluntly causing me to frown.

"That's not true" I state sternly as I look out across the ocean of trees standing before me.

"It's not?" He laughs almost in disbelief.
"What have you done for me to trust you Hmm?" He asks with a light tone to his voice I hear him shuffle behind me.

"Are you serious right now?"  I turn to him with a confused expression written all over my face.

"Yeah I'm serious.." he laughs as he turns his head to face me.

"Oh my- Are you kidding.." I laugh in disbelief as I stand up ignoring the pain that was my body now.
"I've followed all your rules, gone to every check up you force upon me, I never complain when you drag me to all your shit because you practically babysit me-"

"And you think I wanna do that?" He laughs as he stands up only a few feet away from me.
I frown not finding it funny at all.
"You think I want to babysit you all the fucking time?" He looks at me with furrowed brows but a look of humoured disbelief written all over his face.
"I have to babysit you because I can't leave you alone because no one trusts you! And can you blame them?" He tells me, the conversation turning more serious as the humour drops from his expression.

"You never give me a chance" I fold my arms over my chest defensively.

"A chance?" He laughs as his arms hit his sides.
"A chance for what? To leave? To kill me? To kill someone else? Don't you get that's what people are worried you would do if I gave you the chance?" He points to his chest with a look of frustration clear on his face.

Why did I feel hurt by his words?
I felt it in my chest, this weird feeling that that's what people really thought of me.
Because I was an outsider.
An enemy almost.

"Is that what you think I would do?" I ask not being able to hide the damage his words had done.

No matter how desperate I was to get out of here I would never stoop that low.

"I-" he opens his mouth to speak but stops himself letting his eyes search mine.
"No" he breathes out with a sigh before looking away from me.
Why did I feel a sense of relief that he didn't think that? Why did I care?
"I don't think that- but I can't ignore the people who look to me to ensure their safety.." he tells me as my gaze drops the floor.

I couldn't win here.
Nothing I would do or say was going get any of these people to trust me.
They weren't going to give me a chance.
No one cared.
Not even Zac.
I had to accept that.

"Okay" I say bluntly.

"Okay?" Harry questions.
"What do you mean okay?" He asks as I look but at him seeing his brows furrowed in confusion at my words.

"I can't win Harry so what's the point? No one trusts me, no one knows me, no one cares- it's fine I get it" I shrug feeling defeated both inside and out.

"I care" he says softly making this tingly feeling take over every nerve in my body.
"I wouldn't have saved your fucking life if I didn't care" he sighs almost like he was exhausted just telling me this- like he had told me a thousand times before- but hadn't.

I go silent, looking away from him as he turns his back pacing slowly running a hand through his hair looking stressed.

I just wanted someone to listen.
To understand how I felt here.
Yes I had told Zac but not to this extent.
I don't know why I was