-Oliver-

The sound of seagulls and light shining in my face woke me up the next morning. I rolled over and ran right into Brad's chest.

"I was wondering when you'd wake up," he said.

"You wore me out last night." I yawned, and then smiled. "What time is it?"

"Still early enough that we have time for round two."

I put my leg on top of his and pulled myself closer. Brad didn't tolerate cuddling at night because it disturbed his sleep, so I took advantage whenever we were awake.

"Do you like the hotel?" I murmured.

"The room isn't anything special, but I have to admit the view is nice."

We were in a waterfront hotel and had a room on the second floor, with a view of the harbor from our balcony. I thought it was great, but I knew Brad was harder to impress.

"We can see Canada from here. It's only twenty-two miles away."

Brad kissed me before rolling over on top of me. "The hotel was a good choice."

-

Two hours later, we were pulling into the parking lot for the Dungeness Spit. I was excited about it, but Brad wasn't as enthusiastic.

"So what is this again? A beach?" he asked.

"Sort of. It's the longest natural sand spit in the US. It's five miles long and there's a lighthouse at the end."

The trail started by winding through forest before opening up to the water. The spit stretched out in front of us as far as I could see, surrounded by the blue of the ocean. I took Brad's hand and led him down to the start of the sandy expanse.

"This is beautiful," I said. "And we got lucky since it's a clear day."

He pulled his hand out of mine and zipped up his jacket. "It's cold."

"It's not that bad. We'll warm up as we walk. I also have gloves and hats in the backpack."

I was impressed with the spit, and I took several pictures of the blue water, the sand stretching for miles, and the sun-bleached logs washed up on the shore. As Brad walked, I took pictures of him silhouetted against the scenery. I knew he'd like that. I stepped closer to the water, trying to get a picture of the waves rolling in. The water suddenly surged, and I ran backwards laughing as I tried to stay out of its reach.

When I caught up to Brad, I slipped my hand into his. "What do you think?"

"It's a lot of sand. Not that much different from California."

"But it is different. The trees are different, and there are rocks on the beach instead of just sand. It seems more rugged and less tropical. And look at the huge tree stumps and logs that have washed up. The one over there is bigger than us!"

He pulled his hand out of mine again. It was an annoying habit he had. He'd told me he wasn't a big fan of PDA, but I didn't think holding hands was a big deal. It's not like we were kissing in front of people.

"My hands are cold," he said.

"If you hold my hand, it'll be warmer."

He gave me a look. "You said you brought gloves?"

I got them out of the backpack and handed him a pair. "Do you want a hat?"

"No. I don't want hat hair."

If I got hat hair, I'd fix it later. Right now I was more concerned about my ears being cold, so I pulled one of the hats onto my head. "Let me know if you change your mind."

"How long were you planning on being out here?"

"I want to see the lighthouse. We can go up into it and there's -"

Brad stopped. "But that's all the way at the end of this."

"You don't want to go to the lighthouse?" I asked, trying to keep the disappointment out of my voice.

"Oliver, it's going to be over ten miles to go there and back."

"That shouldn't be a problem for either of us. We're both in shape. You run more than I do."

"Look, it's cold and windy and the idea of walking on sand for ten miles isn't appealing to me. The scenery isn't going to change and we're both going to get bored."

"We can talk the whole time. You know, spend time together since you've been working so much. I brought a thermos with hot chocolate so we have something warm to drink. And snacks," I added, trying to convince him to keep going.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "This is supposed to be a vacation. I want to go back to the hotel, find a hot tub, and then go out for seafood after."

"But you knew we were coming out here for the scenery and that we'd be hiking."

"Yeah, but we just did that. We came out here and saw this and walked for a while."

I was upset, but I didn't want to start a fight. It was the first day of our trip. Maybe this was asking too much on the first day, and maybe Brad needed to relax.

"Okay, we'll go back." I reached over and squeezed his hand, trying to smile at him.

As we started walking, I turned and looked longingly at the lighthouse in the distance. I'd have to come back someday so I could make it out there.

-

I sank lower in the hot tub as I glanced over at Brad. Even though I wanted to make him happy, I was bored. I'd rather be out exploring instead of sitting in a hot tub. I could sit in a hot tub anywhere.

"Are you okay with a waterfall hike tomorrow?" I asked Brad.

"Sure," he replied, lifting his drink to his lips. "A hike every morning followed by food and a hot tub sounds great to me."

I smiled and told myself it was a good compromise. Exploring and relaxation. I had to compromise with Brad a lot, and most compromises ended with me compromising more, so this felt like a win.

"Your job was okay with you taking two weeks off?" Brad asked, changing the subject.

"Yep. We have enough research assistants to cover for each other, and I don't think many of the study patients are going to come in the week of Thanksgiving."

"Enjoy it now. That won't be the case once you've got more responsibility," Brad said. "When do you think you'll be able to move up into a management role?"

I closed my eyes and sighed. "We're on vacation. Can we not talk about this?"

I felt Brad's hand on top of mine. "I care about you and I want you to do well. I can see forever with you, Oliver."

Hopeful, I opened my eyes. "You think so?"

"I do, but it's not something I'm going to be interested in until you have a better job and you're bringing in more money. I'm not going to carry you through life."

There was always something. Some way I wasn't good enough. I pulled my hand away and stood up to get out of the hot tub.

"That shouldn't upset you," Brad said. "We're both educated, intelligent people and I know you're capable of a lot more. Come on, get back in."

"I was getting too hot and I need a break. I'll be in our room." I wrapped a towel around my waist and walked away before this could escalate into an argument and leave me feeling even worse about myself.

Once I was inside our room, I took a shower and then went to sit on the balcony. I was upset, and it seemed like I was feeling that way more and more often. I wanted Brad to propose someday, and every time we did something special, I wondered if maybe this would be the day. He'd made it clear just now that nothing like that would happen on this trip.

I knew he was a catch and I didn't want him to get away, but I also knew if I proposed, he'd probably turn me down. It was better to let him make that move, but I was becoming resentful of everything he asked of me. Why didn't he want to be with me the way I was now? Why was I never good enough?