Chapter 3: Who am I

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Peets decided to start writing a Journal some one to one and the half years after Norman's passing, and the very first pages read;

I've always wondered what it really meant to feel, to endure, to hurt, to seek, to aspire, to hope, to always look for the good things in life, how it all ties together and how it all mixes up to become something bigger than just me and you, the true meaning of being alive. It all feels like a mystery to me till this very day, I guess the answers to these questions would be different for everyone. My life has been filled with as much as you can think of; loss, hate, anxiety, depression, anger, rejection and the likes but at the same time it had overdoses of; gain, love, aspiration, happiness, acceptance and the likes also. As much as you feel pain there is a part of your life that brings happiness. For every negative in your life, there is a positive only if you are ready to see and accept it.

But what happens when the positives and the negatives suddenly disappear, no matter where you look, you find that place is empty, when you become a big void and the very embodiment of the in-depth meaning of the word "vanity". When nothing matters to you no more, where hope is something for the weak, when anger is a state of mind below your standards, when love is now a weakness and happiness shows that you're vulnerable, when loss is nothing but a norm and anxiety is a fickle thing that can hardly affect your superficial state of mind and soul. What happens when you now feel like the world is your enemy and nothing is really worth it, when you become the split image of the exact opposite of everything you stand for, when what was most precious to you is no more, when you focused on the negatives Soo Soo much you lost track of everything else?. Well I might not have the answers to the first question but I have an answer to this question and the answer is, "You become ME"

Yes, your read right. You're now a monster in your own rights, void of human emotions. Loss after loss after loss, first at Ctical then here in Ukwa, I some how lost track of how many, it became too much. I tried, I really tried, I tried all I could to look for the positives every single time, every time I tried to be happy with what I had left until it was all gone, nothing remained but a hardshell fill with absolutely nothing. The positives were no more and the negatives at that point seemed normal. The me I knew was changing and I could do nothing to stop it.

But I guess you can be you for so long, they say, well they were right. I was me for just a little while before I was saved by an amazing person. She literally beat the monster out of me, there was no actual beating, I might have use that word wrongly but I stand by it. When the wall you took so long to build comes crumbling down on you and the fresh clean breeze you've kept out for so long comes in to greet you. In that moment you realize what you've been missing and just how stupid the idea of crawling into a hole and trying to be alone is.

To be saved and to feel saved are two different things, I knew something was missing, I just didn't know exactly what. Yes, the walls I built have all crumbled down but I still felt secluded, I still felt like I was alone. Have you ever been in a situation where you just know something will end soon but you can't do anything about it?. You then try to enjoy as much of it as you can before it's all gone. I knew my borrowed happiness was going to be short lived, and it was.

New days, coming and going, they were all identical, it was like living a nightmare over and over and over again. A time looping deja Vu and the only way out was unfortunately to take my borrowed happiness and make it real, make it true, I knew all the answers but still couldn't do anything. Making a move at this point could just spell destruction for every other thing, so I waited for the right time, I'm still waiting for the right time but I think that time has already passed and I missed the opportunity to keep the falling apart me together once again.

Now I live my life in the simplest way I know how to, but what is scary about it is all those walls I brought down, they are building themselves back up and blocking out everything. I remember those days when I couldn't stop chatting with Alot of people, endless calls were the stamps in my life then suddenly came the Great Silence, those people I thought I couldn't go a day without talking to, I went months and no contact with them, we didn't just become strangers, or like we never knew each other before, it's something way deeper, like we offended each other so badly, it hurts. What hurts more is that nothing happened to warrant this distance and deep down we still care. No day passes without me wondering why we stopped talking in the first place.

All this drama had me thinking, there's a saying that states; "show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are." What's funny is I don't have no friends, I'm all alone, does that in itself tell you who I am?, I doubt it, so please I would like to know exactly who am I, what meaning does the life of a lonely introverted pessimist have?. I know when you peel off all the layers of my being I become a servant of God, who was created to worship Him and Him alone. What I want to know is who am I after that. These days I feel like no matter what I do, it not enough, I have no idea why I feel like there's a deeper meaning to my life that just what I see, that there a better me out there, or rather in me that's looking for a chance to show himself. I hope I find him soon."

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