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Back inside the pub, everyone is having a great time. Shaun and Mitch have joined the girls at the table, and everyone seems to be getting on really well.

"There she is!" Shaun says, patting the seat next to him. I smile and sit down. "Are you ok?" he asks, placing his hand lightly on my knee. I smile and nod.

"I hope you don't mind; we've invited a couple more of our friends down to hang?" he asks, grinning.

"Of course, not – the more the merrier." I reply and take a sip of my drink.

"Cool. So, tell me Holly, what's been going on since we last saw each other?"

"You mean that one time?" I joke, and he laughs.

"Exactly."

"Hmm... not much..." I say, and Kelly quickly adds "She got her heart broken!" I glare at her and turn back to face Shaun. "Not exactly... it's been eventful, I guess."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Man must be an idiot to let you go." Shaun replies, taking a gulp from his beer.

"What about you?" I ask, desperate to steer the conversation away, especially after what happened outside.

"Pshh... just been working and hanging out here, hoping to run into this girl I met..." he says, smirking.

"Is that so?" I say, returning the smirk.

"Yup, took her number and then broke my phone. I even tried going to the Misty Moon a couple of times, hoping to see her again there, but with no luck." I blush and look down, drawing circles with my finger on my tights.

"I'm glad we bumped into each other again." he says sincerely.

"Yeah, me too." I say, giving him a little side smile.

"Hey, Holly? You got a min?" Leila asks, beckoning me to the front door.

Confused, I reply, "Yeah, sure..." before grabbing my cigarettes and following her outside.

When we step into the street, Leila turns to face me, and she looks concerned. "Is everything ok?" I ask, slightly panicked.

"Yeah mate, I'm fine... I'm just so sorry... I think I fucked up." she hands over her phone and I see messages from Ben on Instagram.

Leila, where are you?

I just wanna talk to Holly

Please tell me where you are

I sigh and hand her phone back. "Oh mate, I'm so sorry he's messaging you too." Leila's eyes widen in shock. "He's messaged you?"

I nod, "Yeah, well... he was until I blocked him. He saw the video and just started tearing into me, calling me easy! So, I called him to have a go and then he called me a slut... ever the gentleman." I say, trying to make light of the situation.

Leila gasps, "What an arsehole! After everything he's done to you, he says that?!"

I shrug. "It's fine... well, it's not fine, it's fucked up... but I'm not going to let him ruin this evening. He's ruined every night I've had out with you girls. But tonight's not about him, it's about us. And we deserve to enjoy ourselves!"

Leila scoops me into a big hug. "Exactly mate, couldn't have said it better myself. Whilst we're being truthful, I haven't spoken to Mark since the weekend you went away. I have no idea why – fuck him – but thought you should know."

I hold her shoulders lightly to look at her. "I'm sorry Lei, that's really fucked up. Hopefully he'll come around – I know how much you like him."

She nods. "Anyway, enough of that... since we're out here, do you want to smoke?"

"Hell yes!" I say with glee, pulling a cigarette out and placing it between my lips. Shaun walks outside and Leila quickly makes excuses to head back inside.

"Hey," he says, walking over to me. I exhale my smoke and smile. "Hello, you... what are you doing out here?"

He puts his hands into his pockets, "just on the lookout for the boys... is everything ok?"

I smile. "Yeah, everything's fine... just catching up with Leila."

He nods. "...so, am I off the hook for not texting?"

"Yeah, of course... ever since you bought that drink!" He laughs. "Damn, if I'd have known, I'd have saved myself the pool humiliation!" I laugh and shake my head.

"I'll see you back in there..." I say, dropping my cigarette in the bin and walking to the door.

"Looking forward to it..." he calls out from behind me and my stomach clenches.

Shaun friends, Liam and Tariq arrive a little while after I take a seat and we pull more chairs around the double tables.

"Right ladies, since Tariq and I are so far behind, how about we get a few shots in?" The girls all whoop in excitement and he laughs. Liam is clearly another gym buff, like Shaun, with huge arms and broad chest. He's slightly shorter, with deep set hazel eyes and brown hair that he scrapes back into a man bun. Tariq is the tallest of the four, with olive-toned skin, a well-trimmed beard and short hair. As the gents all head to the bar to grab the large number of shots coming our way, Carly leans in and says in a low tone "Fucking hell ladies, these men are seriously hot! We've hit the jackpot! We are DEFINITELY coming to drink here again." We laugh and cheers, finishing the remainder of our glasses.

***

As the night wears on, Shaun becomes much more tactile and I welcome the distraction, my mind still filled with thoughts of Ben. I still can't get his words out of my mind. After he pulls me in for a little hug, I briefly lean into him before removing myself from his loose grip and heading back outside.

Lighting a cigarette, I pull my phone out to see 3 notifications from an unknown number.

Holly, you're fucking killing me

I'm begging you, please talk to me

Please don't go home with him x

I sigh. Inwardly, I'm screaming. How do I break this power, this control he has over me. I'm so powerless to it. My heart is aching for him and I hate myself for it. Drinking doesn't help. As soon as I drink, my desire for him overtakes all my logic. My stomach is churning uncontrollably, my anxiety is intensifying, and I feel like I'm in a small, enclosed space, as opposed to this sprawling street in New Barnet. I finish my cigarette and head back in, choosing to go straight into the girls toilets. I lock myself into a cubicle and try to settle my anxiety before it becomes a full blown panic attack. Five minutes and a lot of breathing later, I exit the bathroom and head back over to the table.

"LAST ORDERS!" a loud and imposing voice reigns throughout the bar.

"Already?!" Carly asks, seemingly infatuated by the men before her. Tariq seems to be enjoying himself in her company and I smile.

"You ok, babe?" Shaun asks and wraps his arm around my shoulder as I sit back down. "Yeah, I'm fine.... well, I've definitely had too many drinks, but I'm great." He squeezes my shoulder lightly and says, "I won't offer you another then..."

"No! Please do, I'll have a whisky on the rocks." he looks at me puzzled. "It's my night cap..." I justify my request and Shaun shrugs. Deep down I know that it's Ben's favourite drink. But I'm not picking it for him... I'm picking it to increase the likelihood of me sleeping tonight.

"I've ordered us a cab, ladies", Sarah announces, still maintaining her composure through the large number of drinks we've consumed. Shaun brings back my drink and I take a large sip. It burns, exactly as I hoped it would. My mind fills with memories, and I shiver a little.

I take another large sip, finishing the drink and stand. "I'll be outside smoking before the cab comes", I tell the others and make my way to the door. Shaun follows me outside, holding the door and clasping his hands around the lighter flame so I can light my cigarette.

"My hero..." I joke, inhaling. He laughs. "Listen, I don't suppose there's any chance you want to come back to my place?" he asks, casually.

I grin but shake my head.

He nods. "Didn't think so... can I get your number again?"

"Ok, tell me the truth: what's the real reason you didn't text me? I won't mind... just curious." I say, smiling and inhaling on my cigarette.

"I swear to you, I broke my phone. My newer one still has the cover on the front, see?" he says, brandishing a brand-new phone in my direction.

I laugh lightly. "OK, fine, you win... I'll give you my number."

I take the phone out his hand and type my number into his phone. This time, when I hand his phone back, he calls mine and I feel the vibration in my bag.

"Now you have my number too... so there's no excuses for either of us not seeing each other again."

The rest of the clan exit the pub and we say our goodbyes as our cab pulls up. Shaun pulls me in for a hug and breathes "I will see you again soon." His breath against my ear sends electricity racing through me and I instinctively kiss him on the cheek and nod.

On the ride home, the girls talk over the evening, and I sit in silence, trying to figure out everything in my head. I'm an absolute mess... outwardly I'm holding myself together, inside I'm desperately holding onto the pieces, trying to stop them from falling apart.

When we reach the high street, I tell the girls "I'll get out here ladies, I could use the fresh air and another cigarette before I get home." After promising to text them all to let them know I've returned safely and exit the car.

Cresting the corner of my street, I see Ben's car waiting. I roll my eyes and walk over to it.


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