The realisation of last night hits me just seconds after I open my eyes. I feel guilty about Matt, who has only ever shown me kindness. I hate myself for letting my heart control the narrative. I knew I wasn't over Ben, yet I brought someone else into the mix anyway; how could I have been so selfish? The deep ache in my chest reminds me that this probably isn't going to end well for me... but I've fallen so hard for Ben, that I almost welcome the pain, which is the hardest part to get my head around.

I'm shifting between utter joy and total despair. And what happened between us last night just flags up more questions than I care to think about. What does this mean for us? Is this enough for us to build a real relationship? In the back of my mind, I think I know the answer and it's the only thing preventing me from telling Matt that we're over. And that makes me the worst person ever.

I turn to look at my phone and see a message from Matt.

Morning gorgeous - thinking of you, hope you slept well xx

Instinctively, I drop it back on the bedside table, groan and throw a pillow over my head.

Mum shouts up the stairs. "Holly! Time to wake up!"

I sigh and pull the pillow off of my face, but don't make a move.

"Holly! It's almost 11am - don't be so bloody lazy! Get up!"

I roll my eyes and hit my hands on the mattress. "Alright! Keep your hair on!"

Dragging myself out of bed, I pick up my phone and make my way down to see her.

"You almost missed the morning! Do you want coffee?"

"What a question!" I reply, and she laughs.

"In the pot sweetheart. Did you sleep ok?"

"Not really." I admit, truthfully. "Couldn't switch my mind off."

"What's on your mind?" She asks.

"Boys. They're so annoying!"

She laughs. "That they are... remember, you're only young. And you're just having fun... don't beat yourself up about it too much."

I nod. "Good point, mother." I say jovially and walk round to the pot and pour myself a coffee. The doorbell rings and I look at her for answers.

"No idea... shall I get it?" She asks.

"No, it's cool, I'll get it."

As I reach the door, I spy a familiar silhouette.

"Hey tiger." He says, smiling warmly.

"Hello! What a surprise!" I say, a little confused, but very happy to see him.

"You're not the only one who can make surprise visits. Besides, I told you I was coming last night." he replies, sweeping his curly fringe out of his eyes.

I momentarily think back to his message and smile. "Yes, you did. Come on in."

He chuckles to himself a little and follows me as I make my way back into the kitchen.

"Hey San, good to see you." Says Ben as he walks around me and takes a seat at the bar. I love how he's met her once but speaks to her like they're old friends. I laugh lightly at the thought.

"Hey Ben, what a surprise! How are you, dear?" She returns warmly.

"I'm good thanks."

She smiles. "Help yourself to coffee." she says before turning to me, "I'm gonna check on your dad in the garden."

I nod and make my way round to the coffee pot. "Do you want a cup?"

"Please."

I pour him one and place it in front of him. "So, what brings you here, Mr Sutton?"

He smiles. "I just wanted to come and see you. Hang out, whatever." I look at him, confused for a moment.

"What?" He says, a little on edge.

"Nothing..."

"Can't a guy just visit his girl?"

"Your girl?"

"Yup... my girl."

My cheeks heat at his admission and the butterflies in my stomach are out in force this morning. I momentarily think of Matt, and the guilt rises again. I decide it's time to be honest. As if sensing a change in my body language, Ben eyes narrow. "What's up?" he asks, looking a little nervous.

"Do you wanna come upstairs?" His eyebrows raise at the suggestion.

"Not for that! To chat."

He half smiles and then nods towards the door. We make our way to my room and as we enter, he immediately thuds himself down onto my bed. I sit myself at my desk and face him.

"You're freaking me out...what is it?" his eyes lock onto mine and my stomach churns.

"I need to tell you something."

He looks confused.

"So yesterday, I wasn't completely truthful with you. I'd been on a Valentine's Day date. With Matt."

His eyes widen but he doesn't say anything.

"We've been on a couple of dates - nothing serious, but I get the vibe that he wants more."

"Ok..." I watch as his body goes rigid, and he bites on his lip.

"When I was with him yesterday, I spent the entire time thinking about you. That's why I came straight to your house."

Ben leans forward and then leans back, as if trying to get himself comfortable. He goes to speak, opening his mouth and then closing it again. Studying me, he clears his throat and then asks "Are you two –"

I shake my head violently and he breathes a sigh of what looks like relief.

"Ok. But last night we –" I cut him off.

"I know! The only reason I decided to take him up on that date was to desperately try to move on from you and whatever this is between us."

He sighs but nods with understanding. We sit in silence for a moment, looking at each other. My heart is beating out of my chest.

Ben breaks the frigid air, asking "So, what is this?"

My eyes widen and I can't help but feel a little blindsided. "You're asking me?!"

He half-laughs. "Fuck yeah I am - you're the one dating other people!"

I sigh. "OK, fair point."

He groans and pulls his hand through his hair. "Does Matt know?"

I shake my head.

"Ouch."

"Don't! I feel shit enough about this as it is. You and I make a right fucking pair, huh?" I say, putting my head in my hands and exhaling deeply.

He walks over, wraps his arms around me and kisses me sweetly on the nape of my neck. "That's why we're meant to be, baby," he says, trying to lighten the moment.

My heart aches at his touch. I rest my head against his arm and sigh.

"He invited me to go to Falmouth with him. It's just for a uni interview, but he wanted to 'make a weekend of it'."

I feel his arms tense. "And what did you say?"

I shift uncomfortably. "I didn't, really. It's still a few weeks away."

He lifts his arms off of my shoulders. "You're not actually planning to go, are you?" he says, a little hostility in his tone.

"I hadn't really thought about it." I admit, biting on the corner of my lip.

Ben starts pacing around the room, looking exasperated. "Holly! I know I'm not one to talk here, but you can't date him and fuck me! You can't have it both ways!"

"Shh! My parents are here!" I say, angrily.

"Sorry, but it's true!"

"I told you - I was just trying to figure out what was going on with us first." I say and mean it.

"So, what do you want, Holly?" He asks, frankly.

"I..." I open my mouth to speak, but I can't think of the words.

He kneels down in front of me and places his hands on my knees. "Look, you know I'm not good at this relationship shit. I don't know how to be a good fucking boyfriend, but I will try. If that's what you want?"

I lift my head out of my hands and stare at him in wonder. "What do you want?" I ask.

"Don't turn my question back on me," he says, raising a brow at me.

"I'm serious. It's not just about me... what do you want?"

"I want you. But I'm not good at sharing." His eyes are expectant, and my heart constricts. "So? What do you want?"

I breathe out deeply, feeling like I've been holding it in a long time. "I want you. And I'm not good at sharing either."

He pulls me in for a hug and kisses me softly on the head. "But there's no way you're going to fucking Falmouth with him – you're coming away with me."

I laugh out loud. "Oh yeah, to where?!"

He shrugs. "I don't know... next weekend. It'll be a surprise."

"Ok... you really don't have to do that..." I say, hesitantly.

"But you need to talk to Matt first. The guy's a prick, but I can't fault his taste in women. Besides, if I hadn't been such a cock in the first place, you'd never have met him."

I stand and give Ben a cuddle. "Thank you." I say into his chest.

"For what?"

"For being so understanding."

He kisses the top of my head. "Only for you. Now I just need to figure out where I'm taking you next weekend!" I giggle and hug him a little tighter.