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A week goes by, and I don't hear from Matt or Ben. A small part of me is nervous that my reaction to his kiss has put Matt off – not that I'd blame him. And though I shouldn't care, I'm bothered that Ben hasn't reached out again. Is it stupid that I still want him to try and win me back, even though I know it will ruin me?

On Thursday, as I make my way home from college, Matt texts to see if I'd like to visit a gallery with him on Saturday, aka Valentine's Day. I pour over his message for an hour, agonising about whether or not to take the plunge, before ultimately giving in to the more logical side of my brain and agreeing to go.

After a restless night's sleep, I confide in Leila about my date with Matt and the thoughts clouding my mind.

"What do you think I should do?" I ask, head in my hands, hoping for a resolution.

"Mate, I can't tell you how to feel. It's still early days... you're not expected to get over Ben overnight, so give yourself a break. Saturday doesn't have to be pressured – it's just a trip to a gallery. And if you're not enjoying it, make an excuse and leave." Leila says, like it's so simple.

"...And you're sure that you and Mark can't come?" She rolls her eyes.

"I'm afraid not amigo – Mark's taking me out to a swanky dinner in London." I smile, inwardly grateful that my friendly nudge to Mark paid off.

On Saturday, after another difficult night's sleep, I wake early to take a shower. After agonising what to wear, I decide to keep my look relaxed and settle on a white shirt, distressed boyfriend jeans, blazer, and converse. I'm keen on trying to play down the date vibe as much as possible, so I stick to natural make up: mascara, a little eyeliner, and some lip balm. As I grab my bag and phone to walk out the door, my phone beeps and I'm shocked to see it's from Ben.

Happy Valentine's Day x

My heart sinks as another message appears.

Do you have any plans? x

I chew on the inside of my lip and sigh. Do I tell him the truth? I hover over the keypad for what feels like an hour but is only five minutes before I reply.

Nothing special. You?

No plans. If you wanna do something, let me know x

My chest tightens and the familiar guttural aches start to bubble within. Ben wants to spend Valentine's Day with me. Has he ever tried to spend Valentine's Day with another girl?

On the walk to the station, I smoke entirely too many cigarettes and try to push down these thoughts swirling round in my head. When I reach the station, I see Matt already waiting for me.

"Hey beautiful!" he says, bringing me in for a hug. My chest constricts, immediately bringing my thoughts to Ben.

"Hey, how are you?"

"I'm doing good - better for seeing you obviously."

I smile a little uneasily and wrap my coat a little tighter around me. He brings his arms around my shoulders and pulls me towards him. The faint butterflies start their flight in my stomach, and I exhale deeply.

"Good timing by the way, the train will be here any second," he says, rubbing his hand against my shoulder. I nod and try and relax into the position, but I can't help but feel on edge.

The train arrives minutes later, and we take seats opposite one another.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you... I've got an interview at Falmouth University," he says, the joy in his voice apparent.

"Matt, that's such great news!" I say, earnestly.

"Thanks! Yeah, I mean obviously it doesn't mean anything, but they want to see some of my work and ask me a few questions, so I'm looking forward to it." He explains, the grin lighting up his face and making him look even more attractive.

His smile is infectious, and I can't help but return it. "They'll love it, I'm sure of it. I think it's going be more about where you want to go, not who wants to take you."

He puts his hand on my knee and gives it a little squeeze. "Aww, thanks Hol. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about leaving the people I care about, so we'll see..." His response feels loaded and I can't help but feel like he's hinting to me. My stomach begins to flip, and I swallow deeply.

"Sometimes it's good to be selfish." I reply, turning to look out the window and hoping to end the conversation.

As the countryside flies past, I can't help but ponder about Ben and what happened between us. He never promised me the world... heck, he made a point of telling me he couldn't promise me anything, only that he'd try. He had been sleeping with Becca but since we weren't together at that point, he didn't technically do anything wrong. It's in poor taste, yes, but actually, did I overreact? Did I push him away?

"I was wondering if you wanted to come with me?" matt's voice echoes in the distance, and I have to pull myself back into the present conversation.

"What do you mean?" I ask, a little confused by the question. I try to halt my nerves as he replies, "To the interview - thought we could make a weekend of it or something?"

"Oh... cool." I relax a little into the seat.

"Is that a 'yes'?" his eyes look eager, and I feel guilt again, except this time, it's for Matt.

"It's a maybe... you haven't even told me when." I say coolly.

"Oh shit, yeah, it's in 3 weeks."

"Ok - I'll see what I can do." He smiles and I turn back to face out the window, my troubled thoughts all-consuming as I watch London whizz by.


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