That evening, I text my address to Matt, and he says he'll be here at 7, which gives me just enough time to get ready. I opt for my black tea dress, tights, blazer and biker boots. I place my hair into a messy bun and settle on smoky eyes, mascara and blush lipstick. I'm expecting a text from Matt to let me know he's arrived, so I'm surprised when I hear the doorbell.

I take a deep breath to try and subdue some of the anxiety that bubbles within me. Walking to the top of the stairs, I can hear my mum open the door.

"Hi, Mrs Taylor, I'm Matt. I'm here to pick up Holly."

"Oh, hi Matt, nice to meet you - please, call me Sandra. She's just- oh! Here she is!"

"Hey..." I say, walking down the stairs with the familiar feeling of guilt swirling inside me.

He pulls a bouquet of flowers from behind his back and hands them to me. "These are for you - you look lovely by the way."

I blush and take the flowers. "Thank you."

Mum scoops them out of my hands. "What a lovely surprise Matt, I'll put them in water. You two go and have fun."

I smile and nod. "Thanks mum, see you later."

We get in the car and as the ignition starts, I hear Green Day playing, which relaxes me a little.

"You really do look lovely, Holly." Matt says earnestly and my cheeks heat.

"Thank you."

Within minutes of setting off, we're singing along to 'Welcome to Paradise' and giggling, which helps with the churning in the pit of my stomach.

***

Twenty minutes into our meal and a few appetisers down, I decide to fire some questions Matt's way.

"So, what are your plans after college?"

"Uni, hopefully."

"Where are you thinking?"

"I've got a few shortlisted, but I haven't quite decided which one is right for me, yet."

"Which ones, if you don't mind me asking?" I say, taking a sip on my wine.

He shakes his head. "Falmouth, De Montfort and Hertfordshire - to stay close to the fam."

"Aww, that's cute. But where's your heart want to go?"

"Falmouth... Cornwall is so beautiful. It's just so far, you know? Makes it difficult to keep travelling back."

I nod, understanding the appeal of staying close to home.

"What about you?"

"Yeah, I'm thinking about uni too."

"Where are you hoping to go?" he asks, biting on a spring roll.

"Erm, I really love Middlesex. Their photography, art and media programmes are amazing."

"That's awesome! I love photography. Maybe one day we could visit a gallery together or something?"

The aching feeling in the pit of my stomach begins to overtake with butterflies and I smile. "I'd love that."

The conversation flows well throughout the meal, so well in fact, that we almost miss our showing time. During the movie, Matt puts his arm around my shoulders and my heart rate soars and an ache appears in my chest. It feels like betrayal, and I lose all focus on the film. It's such a simple gesture, but it feels like a lot.

When he tries to hold my hand on the way back to the car, I accept, but my anxiety is rising and the ache is burning in my chest. It's like my body is punishing me for trying to move on. Desperate to quell the feeling, I try to avert my mind.

"That was so good! I didn't expect it to be quite so violent, but I loved it!" I say, removing my hand from his to search for my cigarettes.

"I know - best film I've seen in a while," he says, smiling. As I bring a cigarette to my lips and inhale, he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.

I blush and inwardly curse myself for feeling so divided. What's wrong with me? This gorgeous man is standing in front of me, I clearly find him attractive – why am I so against it? When we reach the car, he gently cups my chin in his hand and his thumb caresses my cheek. I suck in my breath, the hairs on my arms stand on end and I shiver at the sensation.

"Are you cold?"

"No... I'm ok." I say and smile lightly.

I watch as his eyes drift from my eyes to my lips. Ignoring the deep twinge in my chest, I move into him a little and he takes his cue to kiss me. It starts slow and romantic before his tongue lightly prizes my lips apart to explore my mouth. As the kiss deepens, I can't help but think of Ben and suddenly the pain inside me intensifies. I instinctively pull away, and Matt looks surprised.

"I'm so sorry, Matt. I've had such a lovely time with you, but I... can we please take it slow?"

His cheeks flame a little and he smiles sadly. "Of course... I shouldn't have done that. I just had such a great time with you... I guess I got a little carried away."

He moves back to give me some space and I waste no time in jumping into the car. As we head back home, the tension is heavy in the air. I stare out the window and run my finger along my tingling lips. I enjoyed the kiss. It was just different... sweet. Not Ben.

Eager to rid the awkwardness, I say, "Thank you for tonight."

He turns to me and smiles. "It was my pleasure. I had a great time."

I return his smile. "Yeah, I did too." And I really did.

When we reach my home, he stops the car and pulls my hand into his.

"I just wanted to say, I like you. I'm not expecting anything, but I'd really like to see you again, maybe? If you'd like to?"

I can't bring myself to verbally give the answer he's looking for, so I just nod. He grins and my stomach roils. I jump out the car and stand at the door to wave him off. When he's out of sight, I sit on the doorstep and have a quick smoke before heading in.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Matt's so nice. He's not afraid to share his feelings or be in a relationship with me. But my head keeps drawing comparisons to Ben. And as we kissed, my mind was consumed. Ben licking my neck, kissing my collarbone... I shake my head violently to stop the uncontrollable images in my head. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I just can't stay away from him.

I pull out my phone to message him and find he's already beaten me to it.

Can't stop listening to that The Used album you recommended.

I smile. I can't believe he's been listening to it.

You like the album?

I love it x

I pause over his messages for a moment and sigh. Why did things have to get so messy? As I stand to open the front door, another message pops up.

Good night? x

My heart contracts. Does he know about the date? Unsure, I decide to keep my response vague.

It was ok - how was yours?

I wait impatiently for his response.

Lonely x

Feeling like I've held my breath in expectation, I exhale deeply. Every part of me aches for him. I know I can't tell him how I feel, so I briefly reply.

I'm glad you love the album. Goodnight x

Within seconds, Ben responds.

Night tiger x

Aching, I sit back on the doorstep and stare at the stars, hoping to hold back the tears threatening to fall.