After the Christmas party I decide to take some time to sort myself out. The girls were sweet, calling and sending regular texts to check in with me, but I'd kept my responses short and light. On Christmas Eve, Carly invited me out for a few drinks with the gang but, at the risk of seeing Ben, I turned them down. However, on New Year's Eve, Leila creates a new group chat: "Where are we going?"

Leila

Right girls, Mark is away visiting some family up North and I refuse to be alone and lonely on NYE. We HAVE to go out. This is our last one before we go off to uni and we need to get fucked up!

Molly

Hell yeah! I say we go to London

Carly

Where are you thinking?

Sarah

What about Camden? It's an easy commute and full of hotties

Kelly

Yes! Electric Ballroom?

Leila

I'm up for it! Holly?

I read the messages and sigh. I know that Leila's right – we need to do something. I can't continue to spend my time at home, pining over a relationship that couldn't even get off the ground. At the risk of spending the evening in with my parents, I reply:

Holly

Let's do it – I'm so over this year!

Sarah

You never know, you might find a hot guy to start off the NY with!

***

We agree to meet on the bus, but instead of heading to a pub in Barnet, we choose to have our pre-drinks in a bar in Camden instead. A night out with friends without the reminder of Ben or the fear he might crash is exactly what I need.

On New Year's Eve, I opt for skinny jeans, pumps, a glittery vest and leather jacket. For hair and make-up, I go for natural waves, winged liner and a blood red lip.

Finally, I add a black scarf for warmth. Feeling comfortable, I head out to the bus stop to meet Carly. When it arrives, we climb up the stairs and are surprised to see the others sitting with James.

"Ladies!" He says, joyfully and we giggle and wave.

"How are you doing, James?" asks Carly, looking super pleased to have run into him.

"I'm good - just heading to Pete's. Where are you all off to?" He asks, inquisitively.

"Electric Ballroom" answers Carly, then immediately looks back to me to make sure it was ok to share. I shrug.

"Cool..." he says, looking a little awkward.

"Have you got any New Year's plans this evening?" Asks Leila and I suspect she's asking to glean information about Ben.

"Erm... nothing concrete." He answers but doesn't meet her gaze.

The conversation becomes a little stilted and when we get off the bus, Molly asks, "did anyone else feel like James was being weird?" We nod in agreement.

"He's always weird." replies Sarah, walking on in front and I can't help but look at Carly to see her smile deflate a little.

On the tube, we're surrounded by people making their way into London, already well into the festive spirit. We laugh as a group of boys a little further down the carriage, sing songs that has everyone singing right along with them. The journey is short and before we know it, we're on the escalators at Camden Station and out into the cold. We head straight to a dingy bar that Kelly's heard good things about.

When we get inside, we immediately head to the bartender to place our orders. As I look around the tight space, I notice someone waving in the distance. Turning to see if they're trying to get the attention of someone else, I turn back and realise it's Matt – the guy from the Christmas party. I smile and wave, before turning to Leila.

"Mate, that Matt guy is here."

"Oooh, the one from the party? He was fit! Where?"

"Your 3-o clock."

Leila spins around like a crazy person to look, making my cheeks blush.

"Alright captain obvious, fucking hell!" I say, tugging on her arm.

"Jeeeeze, he's even fitter than I remember! Oh fuck!" she says, twisting her head back round like a lunatic, "he's coming over!"

Seconds later, I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder, and I turn to see him. He's pretty intimidating to look at, with his short dark hair, broad shoulders hinting a man that likes to work out, and a total 'don't give a fuck' attitude. But his bright blue eyes are friendly and there's something about him that makes me feel protected. He's wearing a simple white shirt, tight black jeans and converse. And he looks good.

I smile. "Hey Matt!"

"Hey Holly! Didn't expect to see you here?" he says, smiling.

"Yeah, it was a bit of a random choice from the girls."

He nods. "That's cool."

"Let me introduce you to everyone." He politely says hello and then presents his friends, Dave, Justin and Elijah, who we recognise from college.

"Nice to meet you guys! Do you want a drink?" I ask, hoping that a few drinks will quell the intense sinking feeling I have in the pit of my stomach. It started after seeing James and hasn't really subsided.

"I'll get them! What's everyone having?" asks Matt.

"I'll have a rum and diet coke please?"

"Ooh, going straight for the dark liquor, eh?!" He jokes.

"It's a celebration." I reply and shrug.

"That's right, New Year's baby!" he says animatedly, gently placing his hands on my shoulders and shaking me lightly, which makes me giggle.

He and Elijah head over to the bar to get our drinks and we cram ourselves around the table. Kelly knows Dave pretty well through her brother, so there's some great banter going on between the two of them. When Matt and Elijah return, everyone seems to be getting on well and in good spirits.

Matt sits next to me and passes me my drink. "Here you go, one rum and diet coke."

"Thanks."

"So, dare I ask: how are you doing?"

I shift uncomfortably. "I'm good."

"I'm glad - I know this isn't an appropriate thing to say, but the guy's a wanker."

I laugh. "Where we're you three months ago when I needed warning?!" I joke and he smiles.

"Anyway, this a New Year, I'm leaving all that in the past."

He raises his glass. "To the future!"

"The future!" We clink glasses and I take a long sip of my drink.

We stay in the bar for a couple of hours and, by the time we leave, we're all pretty drunk and giggly. Elijah and Molly seem to have hit it off and Dave is continuing to chat away to Kelly. Having spoken to Matt over the course of the evening, I feel like I know him quite well. He's been vocal about his family, his career aspirations, and his favourite music and movies.

Walking outside, the cold weather hits me and Matt wraps his arm around my shoulder. It takes me back to the night of the Christmas party and for a moment, my stomach sinks. Willing myself to forget, I lean into him a little as a way of thanks.

"So, why the Electric Ballroom?" He asks as we cross the road.

"Genuinely no idea! It's got different floors?!" I start giggling and he does too.

"Oh wow, so you really did your research!"

We turn the corner and see a considerable queue for the venue.

"Sod waiting in this weather" calls Dave from the back, "let's go to the Elephant."

Matt nods and we continue to walk past the crowd, to a pub called the Elephant Arms. As we near the back of the queue, I think I see James and Mark, but when I turn to look again, I can't see through the flurry behind us.

When we reach the Elephant Arms, it's relatively quiet, and Leila and I head straight to get our rounds in.

"I thought I saw James and Pete in the queue for Electric Ballroom." I admit.

"No way! James would've said something... wouldn't he?"

"I don't know, but maybe that's why he was being weird?"

"Why wouldn't he say something, unless..." she stops, and her eyes widen.

"Yeah... I thought the same thing."

"Do you think Ben would go to the Electric Ballroom though? He doesn't strike me as the dancing type," she jokes.

"Yeah, good point." I agree.

"So maybe we don't go there? There are other places we can go."

"We can't change our plans on the smallest of chances that they're in there."

Leila thinks for a moment. "Maybe you should ask Matt? See what he thinks?"

Once we've paid for our drinks, we make our way back over to the table with the others. I take a seat next to Matt as I hand his drink over.

"Thanks!" he says, cheerfully.

I smile. "You're welcome. Hey, can I ask you something?" He smiles and nods for me to continue.

"I... think I saw some of Ben's mates in the queue for the Electric Ballroom and now I'm a little worried he might be there too."

"Oh... so what do you want to do?"

"I don't know. I don't want to change plans, but at the same time, I'm really enjoying myself and I don't want anything to ruin that."

"You can't hide from him forever, I mean, we're back to college in like a week." He reasons.

"True."

"Plus, you're with us - we're not bothered about Ben Sutton! So, whatever you choose, it's cool."

"Thank you." I say and reach to squeeze his hand. He turns his hand over and cups my hand in his. "I got you." he says endearingly.

We finish our drinks and make our way back to the queue, which is considerably smaller than the last time we walked past it.

As I check my jacket in, I turn to Matt and ask, "So, big question: do you dance?"

"Hell yes!" he replies animatedly and starts moving to the music. I laugh loudly and mock shove him.

"Good - I need to dance!" We make our way down to the dance floor, making stupid moves and giggling like kids. After around 20 minutes of silly dancing, we make our way back to the bar.

"Another rum and diet coke?"

"Please."

After a few minutes, he passes me my drink and I thank him. "I'm having such a good time - thank you." He smiles and I notice dimples I'd never seen before. He looks so incredibly cute. My stomach flips and my heart sinks, immediately bringing Ben to my mind.

"I'm just going for a cigarette - be right back."

"Ok - I'll be here."

I head out into the cold and light my cigarette, desperate to quell the aching feeling in my chest. When I finish, I head back in to find Matt, but immediately recognise the person standing with him. As Matt's eyes dart to mine, Ben turns.

"Holly!" Ben says, pulling me into a hug. My body tenses as he grips around me, and I see just how wasted he is.

"Ben... are you ok?"

"I'm fine - just chatting to Matty boy here. What a coincidence, seeing you both here... together!" his voice sounds chipper, but I can't read his expression. I say nothing.

"I think Ben was just leaving..." said Matt, with a distinct warning in his tone.

"Oh yeah, don't want to ruin your 'date'," he spits back.

He walks away and my stomach churns. I don't think I've ever seen him so drunk.

"Hey," I ask, nervously, "What did he say to you?"

"It doesn't matter, let's go and find the others." Matt replies, but he looks pretty agitated.

We find them all upstairs on the dance floor. As we walk over, Leila loops her arm around me.

"Waheeey! There you are!" She's pretty drunk and shouting loudly.

"Hello mate! Are you having a good time?"

"Err... yeah! It's New Year's Eve!" She wiggles around and I laugh.

"Oh! I forgot to say.... I saw Pete. You're right, he's here!"

"Yeah, so is Ben... How are they mates AGAIN so quickly after everything?! It pisses me off!" She starts to laugh but cuts short as I feel someone tap me on my shoulder. I spin around to see James standing awkwardly to the side.

"Hey Holly, sorry to bother you... but I need your help. It's Ben. He's out of his mind drunk, he's not allowed back in and he's causing a scene outside and calling your name."

"James, I don't –"

"I know you guys aren't talking or whatever, but I've never seen him like this before. Please, will you come and talk to him?"

I nod. I gesture that I'm off for a smoke and follow James out. When we reach the door, Ben is being held back by one of the bouncers.

"Heeeyyy! There's my girl! Oh no, wait, not my girl anymore..." he says, slurring his words. I half smile at the bouncer and he releases his grip.

"What's going on, Ben?" I keep my tone light. As annoyed as I am, James is right: I've never seen him like this before.

"What? I can't enjoy New Years? If you can't have a few drinkies on New Year's Eve when can ya?!"

I pull out a cigarette and offer him one. He takes it and tries to put it in his mouth but misses. His second attempt takes, and I told my lighter out to him.

"Ah, just like old times, eh?" He says as he inhales.

I don't respond.

"So, Matty boy... you move on quickly," he says simply, trying to provoke me. I don't bite.

"I mean, you were in my bed, what? Two, three weeks ago? And now his? You sure do work your magic quick."

I try and hold my tongue, but his words upset me. "Don't talk about me like I'm the one in the wrong! You were sleeping with another woman! You lied, talked shit about me to your mates and then pretended you actually cared about me. You staked some stupid claim on me to stop your best friend - who you're suddenly best mates with again - from trying to date me! And you didn't even want me! And not that I even need to justify my behaviour, but we bumped into Matt in Camden – nothing is going on!"

He looks a little wounded and backs up slightly.

"I don't know why I bothered coming out here to see if you were ok... you're a fucking mess." I say, dropping my cigarette to the floor.

"Oh, come on tiger, don't go," he pleads.

"Happy New Year" I choke out.

"Holly, please, I love you –"

"You're full of shit, Sutton. You don't love anyone but yourself! Go home."

"Can I call you?"

"I have NOTHING left to say to you!"

As I go to walk away, he pulls me in for a hug. "I'm so sorry... I love you..." he says drunkenly into my shoulder.

The pain in my chest is back in full force. It hurts me to see him in this way. I remove his grip and choke out, "You need to sort yourself out, Ben, or you'll take everyone into the darkness with you."

In the distance, I can hear swarms of people counting down into the New Year.

"10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5..."

Ben turns and walks away, with James swiftly following after him. Feeling the tears burning behind my eyes, I bite on my lip, determined to keep it together. When I return to the dance floor a few minutes later, I put my best brave face on, but feel emptier than ever.