Once again, I dread College, but when Mark casually mentions that Ben is out sick, I feel some relief. By Thursday, I've managed to push him to the back of my mind, so I'm shocked when I walk into the smoking area and see him standing there.

I curse under my breath and turn to leave.

"Holly!" He shouts, jumping from the railing and throwing his cigarette. I keep walking but he catches up to me.

"I've been trying to contact you for days!" He says angrily.

"Yeah, well, I blocked you!" I spit back.

"Can you stop for a second and talk to me?"

"I have nothing else to say to you, Ben!" I say, picking up speed.

"Oh, for fuck's sake! Just let me –"

"I don't need your explanations or apologies! You owe me nothing... just leave me alone!" I say, louder and more emotional than I would have liked, and walk off.

I see people staring, and I bite down on my lip willing myself to keep it together. I head into the library, and hide in the back corner, hoping he doesn't follow. My chest is heaving, and I feel sick. There's no way I can go to class like this, so I wait for five minutes, feigning interest in the fiction section before leaving. I start walking and don't stop, and before I know it, I've cleared the gates and I'm on my way to the gated gardens.

I take a seat at the first bench, put in my headphones, light up a cigarette and start to cry. After an hour of smoking way too many cigarettes and completely cried out, I make my way back to college. I'm so disappointed in my reaction. Again. I don't recognise myself.

As I walk through the gate, I see Ben approaching with his head down. I debate turning back, but it's too late. He notices me and starts to walk faster. The knots in my stomach begin twisting as we edge closer.

"Did you skip class?"

"I had a doctor's appointment." I lie, not able to meet his gaze.

"Can we talk? I feel so bad f –"

"I'm serious Ben, I really don't want to hear it."

I continue walking and hear my name and a couple of "fucks" thrown in the air before I've made enough distance between us.

At the end of the day, I look through my bag and can't find my headphones anywhere. I must've left them on the bench at the gardens. Cursing myself, I make my way out of class with the bustling crowd, desperate to leave but in no rush to head home. Leaving the gates, I see Ben waiting with my headphones. Groaning, I slowly make my way over to him.

"A funny place for a doctor's appointment..." he says, holding the wires out to me. I take them but don't say anything.

"Can I drive or walk you home? It's almost dark and we don't want any more dramas in alleys, do we?" his tone is light-hearted, but it does nothing to cheer me up.

"I'll be fine - thanks."

I plug my headphones in and continue to walk on, but I'm aware of his presence closely behind. As we near the end of the journey, he speeds up and holds his hand out to stop me. I freeze but don't look up to him. He pulls the headphones from my ears and sighs deeply.

"Look, Holly, I know you don't want to hear this, but I need to say it anyway. I'm sorry about Becca. Nothing happened..."

I scoff.

"You don't have to believe me, but it's true. I'm... I'm just fucked up. When anything good comes my way, I ruin it. And... you're too good."

"Bullshit!" I reply simply.

"It's not! I can't stop fucking thinking about you... it's driving me insane! I don't want to pull you into my darkness."

"Then don't."

I walk around him and continue on towards my house. When I reach the door, I turn around and see him standing at the end of the path.

"Thanks for finding my headphones." He nods.

I turn my key into the lock and as the door opens, Ben pleads, "Holly? Please, unblock me. Please?"

I ignore him and close the door.

***

After dinner, I head to my room to listen to some Fall Out Boy and catch up on some homework. I struggle to take my focus off of Ben. Before I can talk myself out of it, I quickly unblock him. Unable to get any work done, I give up in favour of an early night. As I get ready for bed, my phone beeps.

I'm so sorry

My stomach clenches and I let out a deep sigh. Deep down, I do feel like he's sorry. But the logical side of my head is telling me that he'll only hurt me again. Listening to logic, I decide to send a text of my own.

Hey Pete, it's Holly. What are you doing tomorrow night?

Pulling on my baggy t-shirt, I hear my phone beep.

No plans as yet - wanna grab some dinner? x

I smile at Pete's reply and send a short but sweet response.

Sounds good, let me know the details

After I hit send, I worry that Pete may think this is a date and I really don't want to lead him on.

***

The next day, I tell Leila about my plans with Pete.

"That's such good news!" She gushes.

"Don't read anything into it - we're still just mates. But it'd be nice to hang out again." I clarify.

"Sure, whatever you say."

I roll my eyes and smile. Bloody Leila.

At lunchtime, I make my way to the smoking area, my new ritual. As I lean against the railings, listening to the Beatles (my dad's favourite), Ben walks in, and looks furious.

"Are you going on a date with Pete?" I hear over my music. His eyes are fiery, and his nostrils are slightly flaring. I pull my headphones out.

"What?" I say, feigning ignorance.

"I said, are you going on a date with Pete?" He repeats, his anger clear.

"No, we're just going to dinner, as mates."

He sneers. "Oh, come on! You can't be that naïve, Holly."

I fume. "You might not be familiar with this, but men and women can be friends and not have sex, you know?"

He laughs. "Do you really think he wants to be fucking mates with you?!"

"And why not?" I ask, trying to remain calm.

"He clearly has feelings for you."

"We barely know each other, and I've been clear that I don't feel that way."

He rakes his hands through his hair. "Yeah, course you have! And then you invite him out for fucking dinner."

"So, what if I did? How did you even find out about it?!" I say, my anger starting to boil.

"Mark told me. You're not fucking going Holly." He demands.

I lose it. "Excuse me?! "I'm not going"? Who do you think you're talking to?! I can do whatever the fuck I want to because - NEWSFLASH - you're not my boyfriend!"

"I'm not trying to... I just... I feel so protective of you." He rakes his fingers through his hair again and pulls on it in frustration.

"No, you're trying to control me. It's not a date... but if it was, it wouldn't be any of your goddamn business."

He stands for a moment in thought and then reaches out to me but I withdrawal.

"I can't stand the thought of anyone else touching you."

My anger levels continue to increase as his words sink in.

"So, hang on, you don't want me to be your girlfriend, but you don't want anyone else to want me either? Do you understand how screwed up that is?!"

"I – I don't know what I want." He replies meekly.

I sneer. "Yes, you do. You've made it real clear."

I turn and walk away, seething with anger. It continues to eat away at me for the remainder of the day and when I finish, I don't bother waiting for my friends. As I walk, I can hear my phone - texts and calls ringing through, but I don't stop until I've reached a bench near my home.

Pulling out my cigarettes, I flop down onto the seat and light up. Placing the packet back into my bag, I pull out my phone. I have a few missed calls and texts from Leila, so I bite the bullet and call her back.

"Oh Leila, I'm so sorry, I forgot we agreed to meet and just started walking home." I lie.

"Aww, your mind too preoccupied about your date?" She jests.

"Ha, ha, very funny. Not a date. Actually, I wanted to ask you if you and Mark want to come too? I really don't want to confuse the situation."

"I'd love that! Let me ask him and I'll get back to you."

I put down the phone and see a message from Ben.

Have fun tonight

Seething, I fire off a quick response.

Thanks, we will

I drop my phone back into my bad and briskly walk home. With Christmas only a few weeks away, the temperature has dropped considerably. The streetlamps glitter with garish multicoloured Christmas lights, sparkling against the darkened sky, making the small town feel even cosier.

To keep my intentions of a friendly meal clear, I decide to keep it casual in my blue skinny jeans and blue and white polka dot shirt but add my blazer to make it a little fancier and settle on pointed flats. I pull my hair into my trusty messy bun and add a little too much kohl and some lip balm.

Leila calls to let me know that she and Mark will be joining us, thankfully, so I message Pete and let him know. I'm relieved when he says he's already spoken to Mark and will see me soon. I meet Leila on the bus, and we spend the journey catching up.

"Do you know where we're eating?" I ask, curious.

"Pete and Mark want to go to the Misty Moon for their Beer and a Burger deal."

"Oh..." my heart sinks. Love the casual option, but if Ben arrives, the night will be ruined.

"We don't have to! It was just an idea..." she says, sounding a little put out.

Unable to tell Leila my reasons for not wanting to go, I lie. "No, that's fine. A burger and beer sound good to me."

We wait outside for pub for the boys to arrive and I'm surprised and a little worried to see that Pete's made some effort for the occasion. He's wearing form-fitted blue jeans, a simple black shirt and a black winter coat. His hair also seems to have been tamed and I must admit, he's looking incredibly attractive.

"Wow... you look beautiful, Holly." he says, eyes wide. I smile and feel my cheeks flush a little. I hug Mark hello and we make our way inside. At the table, we look at the menu, but all decide to go for the beer and burger deal. I pick the chicken; the others go for beef.

I reach for my bag to pay but Pete shakes his head. "It's on us!" he says, gesturing between him and Mark. I thank him and ask for a pint of cider... not a drink for a date, but since this definitely isn't one of those, I feel ok about it.

The boys return with our drinks, and we have a lot of fun talking about music. We learn that we actually like a lot of the same bands and agree to see some play together sometime.

Despite my concerns about the location, dinner was delicious and most importantly, drama free. When I make my excuses to head outside for a smoke, Pete asks to join me.

We make our way into the garden, and I offer him one of my cigarettes. He shakes his head.

"I owe you!" I say, shaking the box at him. He rolls his eyes and accepts.

"This has been fun, I'm glad you wanted to hang out again." I admit. He smiles warmly and I feel a little flutter in my stomach. Not much, but it's definitely there.

"I was a little surprised to hear from you..." he admits, exhaling the smoke from his lungs.

I wince a little. "Yeah... I'm sorry about what was said at James' house. But I really like hanging out with you and I think we could be good mates." He smiles and nods.

We finish our cigarettes and make our way back inside. As we near our table, I stop in my tracks and the blood drains from my face as I spy the familiar figure with a mop of curly brown hair in my seat. I groan. Pete stops and looks over at the table.

"Did you know he was –" he asks, and I shake my head violently. I had no idea... but I had definitely expected it.

"Waheeey!" Ben calls loudly as we reach the table.

"Well, if it isn't my best boy, Pete! With Holly. Again... what are the odds?" He says, somewhat sarcastically.

"You're in my seat." I reply, coldly.

"Oh, I am sorry..." he says rising from the chair and I can tell he's been drinking. As I take my place at the table, he grabs another and places it in between Pete and me.

"Can I get anyone a drink? My round?" he says, decidedly jolly. Leila, completely unaware of the shift in the atmosphere says, "Please! We're on the cider," pointing at our almost empty glasses.

"Two ciders, got it. Mark? Pete?"

"I'll come with you, mate..." Pete says cautiously, rising from his chair.

"What a gentleman, eh, Holly?" He jokes, and winks at me before walking off to the bar with Pete in tow.

I notice that Mark's looking a little sheepish. I'm not quite sure whether it's because he has an idea that something's happened between us, or because he told Ben we were here. Probably both.

Leila continues chatting away about some film she watched last night, but I'm struggling to listen. The boys return with our drinks, with Ben looking a little more subdued and Pete looking pretty angry. We raise our glasses and as the conversation picks up again, I can't help but feel like Pete has detached himself from the group. When I make my way outside for another cigarette, Pete stays at the table. As I walk away, I hear Ben say, "I'll keep her company."

The walk to the garden seems to take ages and I find myself getting more and more annoyed. By the time I walk through the doors, I turn around and lay into him.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I bite out.

"I don't know what you mean..." he replies, acting coy, which angers even more.

"God, you're loving this aren't you?!" I say through widened eyes and clenched teeth.

"Loving what?" he replies, but I can see the smirk burgeoning from the side of his lips.

"Why couldn't you just leave us alone? You have NO right to be here tonight! I'm guessing Mark told you we were here..."

"Yeah, but fucking hell, Holly! It wouldn't have taken a genius to figure it out. The Misty Moon? On your second date?!"

"IT'S NOT A FUCKING DATE! We're just hanging out as mates!"

"If you think inviting your little friend and her boyfriend along is selling the "we're just friends" message, you're wrong. He's got it bad for you Holly – you can't honestly tell me that you don't see it?"

"No, he doesn't!" I say, but I've lost some of my conviction.

"Of course, he does! Look at you! You're like his wet fucking dream! All smoky-eyed and innocent... you couldn't be more perfect."

"You're out of your mind!"

He laughs a little. "It doesn't matter anyway, because I told him to stay away from you – I saw you first."

I can feel my cheeks heating with anger. "You said WHAT?!" I shout at him.

He continues to stand there casually, smoking his cigarette, so I pull it out of his mouth and throw it away. Unphased, he pulls another out of his pocket and lights it.

"You might not agree with what I'm saying, but it's true. And if he's truly my best mate like he says he is, he'll leave you alone."

I'm filled with rage but can't help laughing out loud at the sheer audacity. Pinch me, I must be dreaming. "You really are absolutely fucked in the head, you know that, right?"

Unable to stand near him for another second and with the fury continuing to build inside me, I turn and leave. Walking over to our table, Leila looks up and immediately looks confused at the expression on my face.

"Are you ok?" She asks.

"No, actually I'm not... can we please get out of here?"

She looks between me, Pete and Mark, who continues to be sheepish, trying to figure out what could have possibly taken place. I realise in this moment that she's the only person who doesn't know about Ben and me, which makes me the worst friend ever.

"Erm, yeah... sure."

"Thank you both for a lovely evening." I said to both Pete and Mark. When Pete doesn't return my gaze, I rest a hand on his shoulder. "I'll text you, ok?"

Once we've left, I breathe a sigh of relief. "So, are going to tell me what all that was about?" Leila asks, gesturing back to the pub. I sigh and nod. "Absolutely. But we're gonna need another drink."

We walk to the nearest off-license, and I buy a large bottle of raspberry flavoured fortified wine. It's bright blue, cheap and guaranteed to get you drunk. If I'm going to tell her the whole truth, I need some liquid courage.

In favour of finding somewhere quiet, we make our way down to the common and take a seat at a darkened bench opposite the lake. I take a large gulp of the fortified wine. It's sweet, but unmistakably alcoholic. I make a face as I swallow and pass it over to Leila. She takes a sip and makes the same face before returning it to me. I take another gulp and sit it down between us.

"Do you mind if I smoke?" I ask her. She shakes her head and I light up.

I sit there and, starting from the beginning, I tell Leila everything. She doesn't say anything but nods and displays the occasional shocked expression in parts. When I've caught her up to speed, she grabs the bottle and takes a big gulp, then passes it to me.

"Well... fuck me. Things are finally starting to make sense. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm ashamed. I fell for him after he basically told me he doesn't date, then I was outraged when he was hanging off that Becca girl, even though he's been pretty clear not to expect anything from him. The stupidest part is that Pete warned me what a piece of shit he was to women. But there's also been these snippets of absolutely perfect moments, where it's felt real and maybe like he really does like me... that it means more to him. I've wanted to tell you for a while, but I didn't want you to judge me, or think I'm pathetic."

She shakes her head and sighs. "You're not pathetic. He's definitely playing some crazy games, I mean, what was all that tonight? And now he's stating some weird claim on you... it's all a bit... intense."

I scoff. "Yeah! Just a little."

Leila thinks for a moment before taking another large sip from the bottle and grimacing. "So, what are you going to do?"

I shrug. "What is there to do? The guys certifiable!"

Leila laughs. "Well, obviously you like him... I can't believe I've never noticed it before. What do you want?"

I sigh. "Honestly? I have no idea. I'm so mad at him. But I also still like him. I know, I know... I'm a fucking idiot!" I scream the last part in frustration and take another big gulp from the electric blue liquid.

"Well ..." she says, tapping my leg "you should probably tell him that." I smile and agree, feeling pretty drunk.

"Sod waiting for the bus tonight, let's grab a cab!" she says. I smile and we link arms and sway towards the cab office. I'm feeling a little unsteady on my feet, but a lot lighter inside.