"Okay," I blew air out of my cheeks. "I can do this."

My hands were frozen on the steering wheel as I stared out of my windshield at the music building.

"Nope," I turned the key and started my car again.

"Alice!" Lissa yelled from the speaker of my phone.

My jaw clenched and I quickly turned the car back off.

"Get out of the car," she demanded.

"Awfully bossy for someone who isn't even here," I mumbled, grabbing my backpack from the passenger seat.

"Don't make me come there."

I mocked her with my face so she couldn't respond to me.

"I don't hear a door opening," she pushed.

"Can I have a minute?" I ran a hand through my hair and reached in the back for Jared's baseball cap.

"You've been there for thirty minutes!" She screeched.

"Don't be dramatic." I arranged my hair over my ears and tugged the hat down.

"Fine, according to our call, 27 minutes and 34 seconds," she said. "35, 36, 37."

"Okay, okay I get it."

I closed my eyes for a second before opening the door and stepping out into the scorching heat.

"Are you walking up the steps?" Lissa asked.

"I'm walking up the steps." Barely.

"Okay, much love, you've got this," she made the sound of a kiss and hung up the phone before I could tell her not to leave me alone.

With a sigh, my hand remained on the handle of the massive ornate door.

Nope, can't do it.

Before I could remove my hand and bail, someone shoved the door open, nearly knocking me over in the process.

"I'm so sorry!" He said and held the door open.

We stared at each for a few seconds before I begrudgingly stepped through the doorway to avoid an awkward situation.

"Shit," I whispered and made my way to Dr. Klein's office.

"Well, hi there!" The secretary grinned. "She's been expecting you, she'll see you in a moment. Take a seat."

"Thanks," I said quietly and sat down in the chair next to her office door.

The same clock mocked me. It hung on the wall, it's face staring at me, it's hands ticking every second, reminding me that I wanted to be anywhere but here. My knee bounced nervously, making the wooden chair creak with each bounce.

The smell of old instruments was making me feel sick. This was an awful idea, I'll never make it. Who was I kidding? This was a pipe dream, not a job option. It was too late for me.

I let out a shaky breath and stood up quickly, tugging my backpack on and just when I was going to walk away, she walked out.

"Alice?" Dr. Klein questioned, holding a file in her hand. "Were you ready to come in now?"

My eyes were glued to the file in her hands. My heart was racing as one million thoughts flew through my mind, one million reasons why this was such a horrible idea.

You can do this. Just do it. Ugh, damn Nike.

I nodded my head and stepped forward to follow her into her office.

"I really am so excited for you to be considering us, this is truly incredible Alice," Dr. Klein raved as she walked around her desk to gracefully sit in her rolling chair. Huh. I wonder how she managed to sit in that without it rolling away. I never could at the Shack.

I froze. Don't think about it Alice.

"You may take a seat," she said with a smile.

Clearing my throat, I shook the thoughts away and dropped my backpack to the floor as I took a seat in the pleather chair.

"I've checked your records and you really are quite far into your other program, but I think we can make those classes fit so you can graduate on time," she began.

She flipped open the file, opening it to the list of classes I had already taken.

"Excuse me," I cleared my throat and leaned forward, keeping my arms crossed. "Don't I need to tryout or something?"

She leaned back slightly as she leveled her eyes with mine. "Alice Dessen, I've known you your entire life."

Pursing my lips, I attempted to hide my skepticism.

She cleared her throat and laced her fingers together on the desk. "Of course, that is standard per our program requirements. If you wish to perform, we can certainly arrange that," she explained.

I quickly shook my head, attempting to calm my nerves. "Uh, no, I really appreciate it."

She stared at me moment, tapping a finger against her knuckles for a second before leaning forward and sifting through my file, stopping when she found an envelope. She glanced up at me for a moment before pulling it out and setting it off to the side.

"We have a spot open for you," she began. "But it's up to you to fill it. We would need a decision by next week."

I nodded, unable think coherently or even process her words.

"I really do hope you accept, we can further discuss the classes after you've made your decision," she smiled, her hand resting on the envelope.

"Thank you," I managed to get out and swallowed.

She nodded and slid the envelope over to me. "Here," she smiled.

I grabbed it from her and smiled as I stood. Reaching down, I tugged my backpack on, clutching the envelope.

I began walking out, but turned to make sure I was dismissed. She smiled and nodded in encouragement. Taking the stairs two at a time, I pushed the door open and let the heat welcome me. As I walked to my spot in the quad, I examined the envelope. It was addressed to the school and it was already opened.

Was this a recommendation letter? Confused, I began tugging the contents out of the envelope, shrugging my backpack further onto my shoulder.

My breath hitched in my throat the moment I unfolded the pages. It was his handwriting.

My daughter...

Tears flooded my eyes and I quickly swiped at them, looking away from the paper and up at the people passing me. I tugged my baseball cap down further and veered off of the sidewalk to a bench under a tree.

Sitting down, I shook my head.

"Don't do this to me," I whispered to thin air. Taking a few deep breaths and wiping more tears away. I blew air out before holding the letter up once more.

My daughter...

It's funny, I'm sitting here wondering how long it'll take for you to come across this letter. Will it be next month? Six months? A year? If it takes longer, I'm just going to haunt you until you read it haha.

I laughed and sniffed before continuing.

Well, if you're reading this, I'm obviously not here anymore. I plan to send this to your school so when you're ready, I know you'll receive it. I know you can't walk away from music forever. It was what you were made to do. I'm hoping this doesn't find you too late.

Alice...I want you to know it's okay.

Tears fell onto the page, forcing me to quickly dry the page with my shirt. No Dad, it's not.

It's okay bud. I'd like to think I know you well you enough to realize just how guilty you're going to feel soon, which is just heartbreaking for me kiddo. I was the one who told you to go have fun with your friends, that I wasn't going anywhere.

I lied to you and for that I am so sorry, I thought I was making it easier. I made Jesse drag you away, thinking maybe if he could make you laugh, you wouldn't cry so hard. Your mother wasn't happy with this decision and after talking it out with her, I can see how I should have made you stay. I should have eliminated as much pain as I could.

Can I be honest? There might have been some selfish intent behind it on my part. One, I don't want you to see your old man like this haha. Two, I wanted my final memories of you to be happy ones.

I let out a sob and wiped my nose.

I am so proud of you. As I watched you walk out of this hospital room...you had tears in your eyes, but once again, Jesse found a way to make you smile. Lissa and Demi waited outside for the two of you and I was beaming with pride as you walked out. I memorized every detail about you with each step you took toward them. Your blonde hair always looked like the wind was lightly playing with it and your skin...always slightly sunburned (you have to start wearing sunscreen by the way, for me please). Your eyes, my baby girl's eyes, even with tears in them, shined brighter than anything I have ever seen. I'll never forget how excited I was when we realized you were going to have my eye color and they weren't going to change to hazel like your mother's. Oh how I could stare into those baby blues for hours. I memorized the sound of your footsteps and your beautiful voice as you told me you loved me more than anything in this world...when you told me this wasn't goodbye and that you would see me later tonight.

A few minutes ago you refused to play the guitar. It was in that moment I realized how hard this would be. For all of you, but for you especially. I held your hand and told you to promise me you would find your way back to it.

You didn't promise...but I know you will. I know you will Alice because your soul longs for it. You have the gift.

I'm hoping, by some major act of God, you will go into this program and chase your dreams. You are a songwriter like no other, don't give that up. Promise me you won't ever give up. Alice, promise me when you pick up a guitar, you won't cry like you did today. Promise me when you pick up a guitar, you'll remember every time I annoyed you with chord progressions and strumming rhythms. Promise me that one day you'll smile again when you hear a C-chord.

I am so proud of you Allison. I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful, truly incredible daughter. I want you to know, I'm watching over you. I'm always with you and anytime you play, I'm in the audience. I'm in the stillness just before you perform, the second of silence after the noise dies down in anticipation to hear you. I'm there.

Congratulations Alice. Congratulations on being accepted into the songwriting entrepreneurial program. Congratulations on chasing your dreams again, on finding your purpose, on realizing that just because you're a drop of water, it doesn't mean you belong in a bottle. (Your mid life crisis at 18 will be one for the books and no, I will never let you live it down, not even in my death.)

I laughed, more tears spilling over.

I love you more than you could ever fathom and I'll be watching over you. May you always let your wild soul roam free.

I let out a deep breath and looked up from the letter, watching students go about their daily lives on campus. Glancing back down I peaked behind his handwritten letter to find another page. I pulled it out from underneath and stared at it. It was a song he helped me start writing. The song that I planned on sending in to this school to be considered for the program.

A smile danced on my lips as I read the song for the first time in two years. A laugh bubbled on the surface of my lips. Then suddenly it was a full on laugh.

Clutching the pages to my chest, I stood and began striding across the street to find my car.

I wiped some more tears from my cheek and smiled up at the sky. "I love you," I whispered up to him.

"Alice?"

My head jerked in the direction my name was called. It was Brayden.

His face quickly turned to one of concern. "Alice? Are you okay? Are you crying?" He walked faster toward me.

I beamed, holding my arms out as I turned around backwards to continue toward my car, but to answer him simultaneously.

"I play the guitar Brayden, very well actually," I laughed.

"What?" I heard him wonder slowly, his footsteps coming to a halt as I left him behind.

"I promise, Dad," I whispered.