When I woke up, I could smell fresh coffee and a faint hint of cinnamon. Lissa and Demi were asleep next to me on the floor and I smiled. I pushed off of the large couch and carefully tip toed around them and into the kitchen. 

Adam was standing over the stove, stirring something. 

"Thanks for letting us crash."

He turned. "Good morning." 

I reflected his warm smile and took a seat on the stool. 

"You guys barely made it back to the house without falling asleep in the street."

"What a sight that must have been," I leaned my head against my hand. 

His shoulders bounced with his deep laugh. "Oh it was."

He turned the stove off, moving a pan off of a burner and turned around. He leaned back against the edge of the counter and eyed me carefully. 

"Don't look at me like that," I whispered. I was embarrassed by last night. I was also feeling a lot of emotions about visiting my dad's grave and they were moments away from bursting out. His sympathetic 'poor girl' look was not helping. 

He glanced away for a second and when his gaze returned, he wore a goofy expression.

Bubbles of laughter escaped my lips and I placed my hands over my face. With a sigh, I sat back up.

"Did you have work today?"

"Yeah," I grimaced. "He's probably pissed."

He nodded, struggling not to laugh. "Probably."

"Jeez and don't tell him I was with you."

Adam's eyes narrowed for a second before he wiped his mouth and turned back around to continue his cooking. 

"Did you want anything?"

I shook my head and looked outside. It was raining. "No thanks, I should go."

He glanced outside and to me. "Want a ride?"

"Oh no," I slid off of the stool and grabbed my now dead cell phone. "I need a walk."

I stopped at the back door and glanced back at him. He watched me with understanding. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but he shut it. He dipped his head once and with that, I walked outside into the light drizzle.

Sucking in a deep breath, I tipped my head back.

After the rain soaked my skin, I wiped my eyes and set out for the place I always went. The lighthouse. 

The beach was understandably empty and for once, I wish it was packed. I welcomed any distraction from the flood inside of me threatening to escape. Wrapping my arms around myself to stay warm, I walked faster and kept my head down.

I'm sure the lesson was canceled this morning anyway, Jesse wouldn't have needed me. 

A light roll of thunder sounded, echoing across the rough waves to my left. What was I thinking last night? How could I have stepped foot in there? It was the last thing I needed right now. I wiped at my eyes was surprised to see that it wasn't the rain on my cheeks. 

"No," I whispered and moved faster. "No, please," I begged. 

The lighthouse was coming into view and I began running after it. Stumbling through the thick sand, I shoved my soak hair out of my face and clumsily climbed up the wooden platform. This time I didn't stop, instead I climbed up the stairs that led to a barely known second level. When I reached the second level, I collapsed against the railing.

"No," I said louder. "No Dad, I refuse to cry. I'm okay."

It thundered, louder this time and an unwelcome sob escaped me. "No." I could hear myself. My voice was shaky, guttural even. Like something ugly was coming. 

Breathing hard, I struggled to contain whatever it was that was trying to break out. I'm okay. We're okay. Jesse and I are okay. Dad was okay. 

My breaths were coming faster and I shook my head as I stared at the rough waves breaking against the shore. The rain began to pour and my lip quivered. Everything suddenly seemed louder, even my heartbeat was roaring in my ears. I swallowed a sob and allowed the rain to run down my face, forcing my hair against my cheeks. It was too much. It was too loud. There was too much going on here. I needed to get away. 

I moved as quickly as I could down the steps and hopped onto the first platform. I was about to jump over the railing and back into the sand, but my foot caught on something.

I came crashing down into the splintered wood, my hands and knees painfully catching me, my face an inch away from the railing. 

"Fuck!" I shrieked in pain. I fell onto my thigh, releasing my knees from their agony, but the pain was enough of a distraction for the flood deep inside of me to escape. The tears poured down my face, mixing with the rain and the panic inside me was welling. No, this couldn't happen. 

Inspecting my scraped and bloody hands, I sobbed. 

"Great," I murmured through my sobs. "Great!" I screamed. 

My hands fell to my sides and I let my head fall back, the rain washing away the endless flow of tears. 

"No, I can't," I begged myself one last try, but it was clawing its way out. Like an animal devouring its prey, my sobs wracked through my body. Suddenly the pain of my fall was nothing.

"Why you?" I asked the fury of the thunderstorm.

"I need you," I sobbed. "I can't do this anymore."

My chin fell to my chest and I could do nothing more to hold it back. What was numb last night seemed to be hunting me today.

The memories were too much, they hit me one after the other, making the deep grief come out in strangled cries. 

"You touch her, I'll kill you," his smile fell and Carter took a step back.

"Dad!"

He turned and winked at me, but his stoic expression returned when he faced Carter again. 

Dad. No.

His eyes widened when Mom left the basement. 

"Ohh, you're in trouble," he sang, his blue eyes glinting with humor.

In disbelief, my jaw dropped. "So are you," I shot back.

He chuckled and backed out of the room. 

"Dad!" I stood and chased after him.

Please.

"Jared is a jerk," I huffed and sat on the couch next to him. Peering over his reading glasses, he smirked. 

"Jared is your brother."

I stared at him. 

"Okay," he shut his book and looked off in speculation for a moment before an idea visibly crossed his features. "Jared is a boy."

I rolled my eyes and whispered idiots while he chuckled. 

"God, no," I whispered through my crying and held my hands to my face.

"Hey kiddo," he smiled.

I swallowed, my throat tight. 

His monitor beeped in a steady rhythm, his sign of life contradicting his pale skin color and lifeless eyes. They had to shave his hair for the unsuccessful surgery and he went from my father to a man who resembled death. Somehow, even his voice managed to fain healing. We both knew it was an act, a temporary bandaid.

He struggled to scoot over in his hospital bed and he pat the spot next to him. 

I sucked in a ragged breath and my feet moved forward. I climbed slowly into the bed and laid next to him. He struggled to place his arm around me so I helped him and rest my head against his chest. His breathing was slow, strangled.

"Are you going to die?" I whispered.

"You lied," I sobbed, snot falling from my nose.

His arm tightened around me. "You can't get rid of me that easily."

I sniffed and clutched his blue hospital gown into my fist. 

"I'm not going," I murmured.

"Now don't make me feel bad," he stroked my hair and I felt his lips against my head. "I'm fine sweetheart."

"You weren't," I managed though the tightness of the crying. 

I pushed up to look at him. 

"Hey, I'll be here when you get back, we agreed on midnight right?" he asked, a ghost of a smirk playing on his lips.

I shook my head. "Mom said 11."

He rolled his eyes and smiled. "I say midnight."

I laughed. "She's going to kill you."

He scoffed. 

"Seriously, she scares me," I half joked.

He leaned forward, slower than normal. "Me too."

We both laughed, but my laughter soon turned into crying. He pulled me back down to him and he hugged me.

"Shh," he rubbed my arm. 

"You promise you're okay?" I asked one more time.

"I'm going to be okay."

After a few deep breaths, I managed to stop crying and I sat up, letting out a deep sigh as I stared at my Dad. He looked nothing like him anymore. 

"Go," he reiterated. 

"Okay," I stood and walked to the door. I opened it, but looked back at him. He was smiling.

"Hey," he said softly.

I waited.

"I love you."

I rolled my eyes, but smiled. "Love you too, Dad."

I threw my head back and screamed. The rumbling of the thunderstorm drowned everything out and I screamed until I ran out of breath. 

My compulsive gasps tore through my body as my grief burst out in howls of pain.

"Alice?!"

I could have cared less who saw me like this. I was unable to control it and the presence of another human being would do nothing to stop it. 

"Al, oh my god." I barely felt the arms wrap around me. All I could feel was myself crying endlessly. 

"I left him," I sobbed, letting my chin fall back to my chest. I left my Dad and he died. 

I recognized the hands holding me and I looked up, shaking my head. 

"Jar, I left him, he lied to me."

Jared's eyes looked wild as he looked down at me desperately, attempting to shake his head in disagreement. 

"No Alice, no," his eyes were turning red and he attempted to move my soaked hair out of my face. I fell into his chest and cried.

"I left him," I sobbed into his wet t shirt.

"He made you go Al, he didn't want you to see him like that," he struggled to get out as he held me. 

"You were there Jared, I should have been there," I sucked in ragged breaths before crying again. 

"I should have been at the funeral," he sniffed. "I should have been there for you."

My crying was slowing, but the tears wouldn't stop. I was left to breathe through my mouth from the amount of snot running out of my nose.

"I left you," he whispered against my head. 

I snuffled and pulled back to look at him. "It's okay," I whispered, but he was violently shaking his head.

"No, I'll never forgive myself for it."

I stared at my brother, his blonde hair taking on more of a brunette hue from the rain and his red rimmed blue eyes. He looked so much like our father, it hurt. I loved him. I loved him with every part of me, no matter what. 

"But I do," I breathed.

He raised his head up to me, a tear escaping the corner of his eye. 

"You can't," he said forcefully.

Confused, I wiped at my nose.

"He wouldn't."

I pulled back in disbelief. "You know that's not true."

We stared at each other, the rain running down our faces and for the first time, we really looked at each other. The Dessen siblings, together in our highs and for the first...in our lows. 

He grabbed one of my hands and squeezed. "So do you."