Secrets: Chapter 22

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Chapter 22

 After the siege, James passed a full week in solitude. His mind kept wandering, so he forced it blank through sheer hard labor.

He didn't go to Joseph Stenton. Since seeing Angela, visiting was less and less appealing, to the point where he felt almost ill about setting foot in the door. He didn't know why and didn't have the wherewithal to analyze.

James slept extra late on Sunday because he wasn't working, and knew that when he woke he would have to think of something to do. There was always Shattered Land, but every time he logged in things got more complicated. Playing should be like time off from his life, but he was building a second life there instead.

After two fruitless hours in front of his word processor with no result but a headache blooming up from the top of his spine, a few relatively harmless complications started to sound okay. Whatever happened in Shattered Land didn't have to spill over into his other problems. At least in there, people wanted things from him besides money and work.

As James had just about talked himself into playing, his phone beeped with a message.

heya prez! know ur busy n stuff, tryin not 2 bug ya but just wanted 2 say HeLLooo n we miss ya n dont work 2 hard n come visit when u can! -Casey (with Kana lookin over my shoulder ^_^ haha)

***

James met them in the bar and grill attached to the grand casino.

The air was redolent of grilled meat, spices, and people getting drunk, and alive with the sound of classic rock. The concept of gorging and inebriating oneself while in a game was still novel; James could swallow a twenty ounce steak and a baked potato the size of a child's football and then log out and be starving, or get wasted on shooters with no hangover to show for it. Perhaps there was some deep message there, but he couldn't define it.

Kanade and Casey seemed perfectly at home. There was a pitcher of pale lager on the table, already half empty, and next to it a huge platter of chicken wings closer in size to turkey wings.

"Prezzzzz!" Casey bounded out of her chair at his approach. For a second it looked like she was going leap up on him like a gigantic puppy. Instead she grabbed him by the hands and engaged in one of her overly complex man-shakes, two-fisted this time. "Oh man." She gave him an appreciative once-over. "Nice duds!"

James looked down at a white blazer, unbuttoned, white cotton shirt avec logo and pale blue tie, all over a pair of dark slacks. Not bad, but familiar.

Kanade approached as well, standing just beside and behind Casey. "Isn't that the outfit that the older brother wears in Ryu?"

"So it seems. But only in the first seventeen episodes."

"Hmm." Kanade studied him, tapping her lip in thought. "I see."

Casey looked back and forth between the two of them, cocking her head first one way, then the other. "Dang, you guys are like ... hardcore. Time for a drink."

Casey ushered James to a seat and plunked him into it, pouring a pint of whatever was in the pitcher, then setting it on a coaster with exaggerated care.

"Let's celebrate!" she said, sitting down and raising her glass. "To the Prez, for almost winnin the siege!"

James rubbed his forehead. "We shouldn't celebrate almost winning, which in most circles is called losing. Especially because the reason we lost was that I fell off the cliff and forgot to tell Kerrigan to pull back."

"Don't be a party pooper. We don't see ya that often, y'know."

"I know. Let's celebrate something worthy, like your big debut. I haven't even congratulated you on that."

"Aw, s'okay. Kana told me ya liked our song 'n stuff. 'S all I cared 'bout." Casey's tendency to truncate became even more pronounced when embarrassed.

"Fifty thousand screaming fans," James said. "Impressive. And not NPCs. All people."

Kanade cocked her head. "What makes you say that?"

James drank. The lager was cool and smooth. "Not sure. Something to do with mentalism. At the Grand Prix was when I first noticed a different vibe to the NPCs."

"That's a pretty interesting ability." Kanade picked up her beer, bringing it to her lips. After a moment, she set it down without drinking.

"Sorry I didn't say anything about the performance until now," James said, to Casey. "I have no excuse. You guys were..." He searched his vocabulary for a Casey-ism. "Awesome. Totally sweet."

"Buha!" Casey snorted beer out her nose. "I know, right? Man, it's creepy when ya talk like me, but kinda cute though..."

"Making your professional debut and rocking the house is what we should celebrate." James picked up his glass and held it out. "Cheers."

"Yahoo!" Casey clinked glasses hard enough to spill. Then she glanced to her left. "Hey, Kana!"

"Sorry," Kanade said, starting visibly. "What is it?"

"We're toastin our concert 'n stuff. Prez said it was awesome and totally sweet!"

Kanade eyed her. "Did he really, or is that what you said?"

"Nah, it was like, two seconds ago. Right?"

"Right," James confirmed.

"Right! So, wake up 'n toast. The Prez don't get to have much fun, so ya gotta at least pay attention..." Casey gave her a look like, Come ON, seriously.

"Sorry," Kanade said, chewing her lip. "Um, cheers!" She raised her glass and clinked with them, looked at it, then put it back down.

"Tired?" James said. "Not getting enough sleep?"

Kanade said nothing, looking at her beer where it sat on the table, until Casey jabbed her in the ribs with an elbow. "Ow! Sorry! Um, no. I don't really ... it's not that."

"What is it, then?"

Kanade's brows drew in. She opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again and said, "Nothing. It's nothing. Actually, I have something to do ... real quick. I'll be right back, okay?"

"You gotta do somethin right now?" Casey looked so appalled that it was hard not to laugh.

"Yes, it'll be fast and ... sorry, I..." Kanade stood, gave a stiff smile, and half-ran to the door and out.

James watched her go, then took a huge gulp of beer. "That was ... odd."

"Dang it, that idiot," Casey muttered, below hearing range if not for mentalism. "Sorry, Prez. Thought we'd all have some fun together ... y'know, no fightin ... but I dunno what's up. Kana's been weirded out lately."

"I don't know either."

Kanade's behavior had something to do with August Evans. But girlish jealousy didn't add up. James bit into a chicken wing. Though it was juicy and the Buffalo sauce was perfect, it wasn't satisfying.

Casey picked one up as well and began to gnaw. "Well, it's like," she said between bites, "somethin's buggin her," chew, chomp, "but when I ask she's all, it's nothing or don't worry. But that's dumb, ain't it? Who wouldn't worry?" Snarf, scarf. "Or ... y'know ... should I just leave it alone...?"

"I never told you about my mother," James said.

"Huh? Ah, nah ... your mom?" Casey kept eating, but her sapphire eyes shone curiosity.

"She was a strong person." When had James begun to think about her in the past tense? "She put up with a lot from my father. He was..." James searched for the word for Richard Andrew Kirkpatrick, the man known even to his own friends as Dick the dick. "...a complete douchebag."

Casey's eyes went wide. "Ohhhh."

At this rate, Casey-isms would start creeping into his everyday speech. "A brilliant douchebag, but still. I don't know what my mother saw in him, but she was a devoted wife and mother. She raised his daughter from a previous relationship no differently than she raised me." James paused to take a sip of beer, which turned into such a long draft that he had to fill his glass again. "My mother was intelligent and beautiful, but most of all, she was kind."

"Sounds like an awesome mom." Casey looked down at the table, drawing finger-circles in beer that had spilled, probably sensing what was coming.

"Seven years ago, there was an accident." The memory of that night rose unbidden, even after all this time, but James stuffed it back down.

"Oh ... no..."

"She's not dead, but not alive either. Not like she was."

"Oh..." Casey shrank into her chair.

"I'm sorry. I know you brought me here to celebrate, not to listen to this."

"No, no, nonono," Casey said, suddenly ramrod straight, waving both hands like a traffic guard. "When you wanna talk, I wanna listen. It's just ... so sad ... I'm sorry about your mom and ... I mean, I don't really get it. Nothin bad's ever happened to me. My life is so normal, you'd totally laugh. That's why ... I'm still a kid. Or people see me that way."

James drank deeply. "If there were more people like you, there would be less people like me. If that's what a kid is, it's a good thing to be one."

"Whatcha mean, like you...?" Casey's brow wrinkled. "I don't think it'd be good ... if there were less people like you."

"I mean bitter people who treat life like an obstacle course instead of an adventure. I know you're saying that not everything about me is bad, but that part is."

Casey poked at a chicken wing without picking it up. "I'm not too bright, but ... I don't think someone who was really that way ... could say somethin like that."

That was very like Casey: believing that if only a person could see a problem, they could surely fix it.

If Casey experienced his exact life, would she become a James, or still be Casey?

"I don't agree, but thanks," James said. "I know you're bothered by Kanade not telling you what's on her mind. I was trying to say that sometimes people have things they can't talk about. Not telling doesn't mean not caring."

"But if it's hard, you should tell people ... so they can help you..." Casey balled up her hands into fists on the table and stared at them. "I don't get you guys ... both you guys ... but that's why I'm a dumb kid."

"You aren't dumb. Maybe naive, but that's different. If Kanade has something on her mind that's like the things that have been on mine, don't be upset if she holds them in. She's protecting you."

"I don't wanna be protected! I wanna help ... you 'n her ... my friends..."

"You have. Believe me."

"Y'know..." Casey dragged her stein close and twirled it in her hands. "I asked Kana what she likes about ya 'n she said, 'I think he's honest and nice.' I was all, duh. But I didn't really get it. I think she meant ... you don't just act nice. Actually, I bet y'all are jerkish sometimes. Bet ya make girls cry."

James winced and drank. If only she knew.

"But that's pretty rare, y'know? If I knew you earlier, I'd've prolly grown up quicker. Like, having someone around to say how things really are instead of how we wish things were."

"There's nothing wrong with the way you are. Though I'm not optimistic enough to believe anyone can stay the same."

"There ya go, bein too honest again." Casey smiled for the first time in quite a while. But she was still spinning her cup around, faster now than before. "I ever tell ya 'bout my big bro?"

"No." James drank. Someone must have refilled the pitcher. Nothing to do but pour some more.

"I don't talk 'bout him much, 'cause I get sad," Casey said. She stopped spinning her glass, filled it up, and drank. "I started doin track 'cause of my bro. He was ranked in the juniors 'n I used to watch. But he graduated 'n joined the army. He's in Pakistan now. U.N. peacekeepers 'n stuff. For a while I wanted to go pro 'cause Bro didn't get to, but ... guess it wasn't my real talent."

"Music is."

"Pretty much." Casey's grin lit up the room, brief as it was. "Bro's always on tour. Before Pakistan it was like, Africa, 'n 'fore that somewhere I can't pronounce. I miss him but he doesn't wanna quit or stay home. He says there's no point if he isn't helpin people who really need it. I used to think like, why's it gotta be him? But he always said, then who? He thinks if everybody wants somebody to do it but won't do it themselves, it's just ... hy- ... hypocrisy?"

James nodded. "Sounds like an impressive guy."

"He's awesome. I know there's people who need his help more'n I do so I try not to get sad. All the people I admire, like you 'n Bro, have all these difficult things that make you special. I know that's wrong 'cause it sounds like hard is good 'n that ain't what I meant ... I dunno. Gettin off track." Casey bonked herself on the head and gave a strained laugh. "It's scary, 'n hard to talk about, 'n Bro's in Pakistan ... so I thought if I could talk to you ... but I didn't wanna be a bother. But I got confused 'n now it all came out. I'm like ... such a mess." Casey took a shuddering breath and leaned back in her chair, head over top of the backrest, staring up at the ceiling.

"Off track again," she mumbled. "Crap. I mean, dang." She sat up and looked left, then right. She fidgeted, then covered one hand with the other. "What I really, really wanted to say was that after we sang that song, I realized how it sounded, 'n I don't wanna give ya the wrong idea. You're like another big bro. You talk to me like I matter 'n let me be selfish 'cause you don't wanna hurt my feelings. It's been so awesome. So ... thanks. And when ya need somethin, I'll be here. If I wanna treat you like a big bro that means you should have a lil sis. I mean ... only if ya want one."

As a writer, James usually found a way to frame a situation with words. But his mind was an empty page, and no pen in sight.

"Man, it turned into this huge story." Casey sheepishly ran a hand through her shaggy locks. "Anyway ... I wanted to tell for Kana, too. It's like that for me, but for her I think ... y'know. It's the other thing."

James drained his glass, filled it up and drained it half again.

Casey watched him through those blue eyes that were always shining, eyes that held something much too precious to be dragged into a life like the one to which James was chained. But then, everything was ending whether he liked it or not. Five weeks, maybe six, and a brand new life awaited.

For a sickening moment, it was all so plausible.

No one could say he hadn't done his best. He had waited seven years, but he knew as well as Angela did: that which lay in room 459 at Joseph Stenton was only a shade, an incarnation of memory. And like a memory, now it was past.

No.

No. No no no no NO NO NO.

The James Franklin Kirkpatrick that desired freedom, that had lost and mourned and was ready to move on ... as it had ever been, that James was too small to stand up.

"What do you know about me?" he said, on his feet, that otherJames having risen. Casey's mouth opened, but he trampled the words she struggled to find. "I'm like your brother? Some idiot altruist globetrotting for people who need saving, as if we don't have any here? I don't have the luxury of choosing my responsibilities." James heard himself from the outside in, like a dubbed anime where the words and lips could never quite match up. "At least you know that you don't understand. But there's a limit to being naive. This world's problems can't be solved by singing songs and banding together like a Disney movie. Little sister? Don't fuck with me. I only have one sister, and she's got more important things to worry about than whether Mom lives or dies. Go back to your fairy tale existence. You're better off there than in a shithole like the real world."

James sucked in a raft of huge, heaving breaths. He could hardly see, but it wasn't just drunkenness; it was rage, and sorrow, and shame. He wiped a forearm savagely across his eyes. The whole bar was staring, but who gave a flying fuck?

"What ... are you..." said a voice, from behind, and James turned woodenly to see that Kanade was there, too.

"And you," he said, with a rising urge to finish it here and now, since somehow he had started it, "I don't know what nightmare you're carrying, but don't think that I'll divide it up with you. I've got my own problems, enough for everybody in this room, and no pretty words can change that. Not yours, not hers, not anyone's. If you get it, then leave me the hell alone, for everybody's sake. Do you get it?"

Kanade stood there and took it, confusion and terror in every flinch. She had brought that Wigglewaggle with her, and it cowered behind her leg.

Casey just sobbed quietly, a saltwater faucet with the tap broken off.

"Good," James said. He was calm, and the room had stopped spinning. Before logging out, he bowed with polite Japanese formality. "Sayonara."

between love and hate

quiet, sinister boundary

crossed, can't be uncrossed

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