I finished work the following Friday for Christmas, and spent Saturday in bed nursing a terrific hangover. I hadn't recovered properly until the Sunday afternoon, and ended up having to miss a night out with Gemma, Lottie, Lou Teasdale and Liam's ex-girlfriend Sophia Smith. (Gemma had invited me to join them, and had I not been afraid of throwing up at the first sniff of alcohol, I would have excitedly accepted.)

Harry insisted on picking me up at midday on Sunday and taking me for lunch in the pub next to his house in Hampstead. The place was packed, but the waitress gave Harry a knowing nod when we walked in, and seated us in a quiet corner away from prying eyes. He ordered a bottle of red wine, and sat back in his chair playing with a beer mat while I browsed the menu.

"Have you already decided?" I asked, looking up to catch him watching me with a small smile on his lips.

"Um, yeah, I'll have the roast dinner," he said distractedly.

"Is it good? Have you had it before?" I asked.

"Yeah, all the food's good here," he nodded. "What are you having?"

"Well, since you recommend it I think I'll go with the roast too," I said, closing my menu and taking a tentative sniff of my wine. I risked a sip, and it was so delicious I couldn't have baulked at it no matter how hungover I was.

"Still delicate?" Harry grinned.

"No," I said indignantly. 

"Should think not, you lightweight. It was almost forty eight hours ago," he teased.

"At least I'm a cheap date," I teased back. "A couple of glasses and I'm anyone's. Well, not quite anyone's," I added hastily as he raised an eyebrow.

"I hope not. I'm not sharing you," he said, reaching across the table to stroke my hand softly, and I smiled shyly at him. 

The waitress arrived to take our orders, and then collected our menus and disappeared.

"So are you looking forward to your holiday?" I asked. 

"Yeah," he said, although his voice lacked enthusiasm. "I'm a bit nervous to be honest. I'll be glad when the talks with Irving and Jeff are done and dusted. I'm hoping we can get those sorted as soon as possible so I can relax. And Kendall's been giving me non stop abuse since she confirmed she was coming too. Her boyfriend can't join us, so no doubt she'll spend all her time taking the piss out of me."

"I didn't know she had a boyfriend," I mused.

"That's because she's kept it under wraps and out of the public eye," Harry explained. "He's a basketball player - Jordan Clarkson. But as soon as the media gets wind of it, it will be front page news, and they're trying to take things slowly. They haven't been together long and so far no one has a clue about their relationship. She's a bit disappointed you're not coming, actually. I think she was hoping for a girl to hang around with, as Glenne will probably be with Jeff the whole time."

I felt rather flattered by this, as I had only met Kendall properly once, but presumed that Harry must have talked about me a lot if she was eager to get to know me. 

"Are you looking forward to your holiday?" he asked. 

"Yes and no," I admitted. "I know it will be great fun but I also know I'm going to miss you like crazy the whole time I'm away."

"We can facetime," he said, lacing his fingers into mine. "And ring, and text. I'm going to miss you too. Which is why I want to spend as much time with you as I can this week, before I go. Do you have any plans?"

"Nothing concrete," I shrugged. "I was sort of waiting to see what you were doing, and I can fit in with whatever."

Harry pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened up his calendar, and while we waited for our meals to arrive we discussed the coming week and how we would fit in seeing our families. We had already decided we would be spending Christmas Day in Holmes Chapel, and after a quick call to my parents we arranged to drive up to see them the following day, spend two nights there and head up Anne and Robin's on the twenty-third. 

"We can sync our calendars, if you want," he suggested. "I know that's a really geeky thing to do but considering our busy schedules -"

"Your busy schedule," I interjected, teasingly.

" - it makes sense to know where we're both going to be."

"Fine with me," I replied, and we fiddled around syncing them, so that eventually all Harry's appointments appeared in my calendar too, and mine appeared in his. 

"So, are you staying at mine tonight?" he asked, as our plates arrived and we began to tuck in. 

"Sounds good," I nodded.

"Did you bring a toothbrush and a change of clothes?" he asked, his eyes twinkling.

"I didn't want to presume that I would be invited to stay," I joked, and he chuckled.

"You don't need an invitation," he replied. "I just sort of assumed you would. There doesn't seem any point in you going home, really. Except to get your clothes and stuff."

"Yeah, I'll need to pick up all my Christmas presents," I nodded. He seemed to hesitate, and opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again and concentrated hard on his dinner.

"What were you going to say?" I asked.

"Nothing."

"You were. You opened your mouth but then changed your mind."

"Just wondering what you'd got for your family for Christmas," he replied.

I narrowed my eyes and stared at him.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"That wasn't what you were going to say," I accused, smiling at him so he would know I was half teasing.

"It was," he said, looking down at his plate and stabbing a potato with his fork.

"Fibber."

"More wine?"

"I know what you're doing," I grinned as he poured the remainder of the bottle into our glasses. "Diversionary tactics. I wasn't born yesterday."

He smirked and chuckled softly. "Stop nagging. Shall we get another bottle of this wine to bring back to mine for the evening? I fancy getting snuggled up on the sofa to watch a Christmas film."

I rested my leg against his under the table and he smiled at me; his eyes bright and sparkling, his skin crinkled at the corners. He really had no idea how amazing he was when he was just relaxed and being himself. This, out of the all the sides I had seen to him, was my favourite of all: gentle, chilled out, normal Harry. Even in a pair of faded skinny jeans and an old wool jumper, and his hair pulled back in a mun, he looked incredible. I still found it hard to believe he was mine.

When we'd finished I managed to sneak up to the bar and pay for the meal under the pretext of going to the bathroom, which earned me a mild scolding from Harry, but I knew deep down he appreciated the gesture, and that was worth far more to me than the price of a pub lunch. We headed back to Harry's in the late afternoon with a bottle of wine from the restaurant, got under a blanket on the sofa and put a film on. I lay my legs across his and he rested his hands on my knees, rubbing my jeans softly as the opening credits began.

My phone pinged with a text, and I reluctantly reached over to the coffee table to retrieve it.

"Who's that?" Harry murmured, only his face visible over the top of the blanket as it was pulled up to his neck.

"Adam," I replied, frowning at the text.

From: Adam: Hey Jess, just wanted to say hi, and I'm looking forward to catching up next week. I hope things are good with you. Have a great Christmas x

"Adam?" Harry repeated, frowning too. "As in your ex-boyfriend?"

"Well, we never really got off the ground properly," I said hastily. "But yes, him."

"Why is he texting you?"

"He's just saying hi," I told him, putting my phone back on the coffee table without replying to the text. "I guess he doesn't want things to be weird next week..." I realised in horror that I hadn't actually told Harry that Adam would be coming on the ski holiday too. It was a genuine oversight - it just hadn't entered my head when the subject had come up, but now I was deeply regretting it.

"What do you mean, next week?" 

He was looking hard at me, his brow furrowed, his eyes fixed on mine. I had a feeling this wasn't about to go down well.

"Um, well, he's coming skiing with us, as part of the group," I said tentatively, and Harry's expression turned from one of confusion to one of disgust.

"Why is he going?!" he demanded, his nose wrinkled and his mouth pulled into a snarl. His eyebrows knitted together into a grimace.

"He's part of our extended friend group," I explained softly, but his expression remained hard.

"And you were going to tell me this when?"

"I'm telling you now," I said, as gently as I could. "It didn't even occur to me to mention it before. It didn't register as important. Sorry, Squidge."

I reached towards him and stroked his neck with my fingertips, and he turned his gaze away from me to stare at the television, his mouth set in a hard line.

"Harry? Are you cross with me?" I asked quietly.

"No," he answered shortly, in a tone that said yes.

"I didn't deliberately keep it from you," I pleaded. "I just forgot he was coming. It wasn't important to me. I should have realised it would be important to you. I'm so sorry."

"It's fine."

He folded his arms under the blanket and maintained his stare at the television. I awkwardly pulled my hand away from his neck and tucked it between my knees, feeling like a naughty schoolgirl in trouble.

We were both silent for a couple of minutes before Harry said, "So what's the score with this Adam, then?"

I looked over at him but his gaze was fixed on the screen.

"How do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean, what's his deal? Why would things be weird between you?"

"Well, they're not as far as I'm concerned. We parted on good terms. We just haven't seen each other since."

"Since what?"

"Since I broke things off."

"When was that?"

"In Cardiff," I said, losing patience. "After you turned up. I haven't seen him for months. You've got nothing worry about. He's a real gentleman."

"A gentleman?" Harry sat up straight, pushing my legs off his lap and turning to stare at me. "What do you mean by that?"

"I just mean I made an idiot out of myself that night you came to Cardiff. I got really drunk and embarrassed myself, and I was really upset. He didn't take advantage, but he could have done, quite easily. But he knew I was still hung up on you."

Harry studied my face for a moment, his brow still creased into an annoyed frown. 

"You have nothing to worry about," I said again, reaching up and touching his cheek this time. His features relaxed slightly and he sighed.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to be quite so..." he trailed off and looked away again.

"It's fine," I insisted, tucking my legs up underneath me so I could lean towards him and cup his face in my hands. "I love you. No one else has ever come close. And Adam is a decent guy. He knew it wasn't what I really wanted, and he stopped me. He's no threat to us."

"Stopped you?" Harry asked, the glare returning to his face again. "Stopped you from what?"

I looked into his eyes and swallowed nervously. I hadn't told him this part either, but not because I had been trying to keep secrets. I just hadn't wanted to discuss the details when it came up at the time; something else I was now living to regret. There was no way out of this conversation now, and it wasn't something I particularly wanted to recall.

"Well, I was drunk, and I decided - rather stupidly - that I needed to take my mind off you, and I thought that being with him was the way to do that..."

He stood up off the sofa and looked down at me in horror. "Jess - you said... you said you didn't sleep with anyone else while we were apart..."

"I didn't sleep with him!" I protested, kneeling up on the sofa and then getting to my feet too. "I promise you! He stopped me, to his credit. He knew I wasn't thinking straight and he didn't take advantage."

He recoiled from me, his mouth open in shock, and ran a hand through his hair.

"You mean - you tried to? You wanted to? With him? How far did you go?!"

"No, I... Harry this is getting blown way out of proportion," I pleaded, taking a step towards him, but he took another step back, a look of complete devastation on his face.

"Tell me the truth," he said bluntly. "Did you have sex with him?"

"No!" I cried desperately. "I told you I didn't, and I was telling the truth!"

"So what happened?"

I rubbed my face with my hands as I thought back to that night. "I wanted to get over you. I wanted to forget you. I was a mess. I got really drunk, and when we got back to the hotel I... I tried it on with him," I confessed, heat rushing to my face. "I'm not proud of it - Harry don't look at me like that," I wailed as his expression changed from one of anger to one of hurt and he turned away.

"You said you didn't sleep with him," he mumbled with his back to me.

"I didn't!" I shouted.

"But you wanted to!" he shouted back whirling round again to face me. "That's just as bad! And if he hadn't stopped you, you would have!"

"Yes," I choked, tears spilling down my cheeks. "Yes, I would. And it would have been one of the biggest regrets of my life. And he knew that, and that's why he stopped me. He didn't want to be a rebound shag, and he respected me enough to stop me making a fool of myself, even though he wanted to do it. But he knew I didn't, not really. I'm sorry."

I stepped up to Harry and slipped my arms around his waist, trying to connect with him, but he remained stiff and rigid and didn't embrace me back. I knew from experience he had gone into stubborn-mode, and when he was being stubborn it could go one of two ways: I could reason with him calmly until he relented and listened, or we could end up yelling and not speak to each other for the rest of the evening. It seemed pointless to waste this time together in silence, cross with each other, over something as ridiculous as this.

"I love you," I said softly. "I never stopped, not even when I was so angry I thought I hated you. I still loved you. I wish I hadn't behaved like that with Adam, but I'm not perfect, Harry, and I never claimed to be. You and I weren't together, so I wasn't unfaithful behind your back."

He looked down at me angrily and pulled my arms away from around his waist. "Cheap shot."

He was, of course, referring to his night with Sara Sampaio.

I growled softly in frustration under my breath. "That wasn't what I meant, and you know it. I've never brought that up since we sorted things out, and I don't intend to bring it up in the future. It's in the past and we've moved on from it. You're lashing out at me because you're hurt, I get it. But I didn't intentionally keep this from you. I didn't set out to deceive you. And you know me well enough to believe that."

He pushed his jaw out and looked away from me. I put my arms around his waist again.

"Can you also believe that if I'd thought it was this important to you, of course I would have told you?"

He looked down at me, his lips pressed together. "I just hate the thought of you with anyone else, or wanting anyone else," he said gruffly. "It makes me feel sick, and insecure, and hypocritical because I know I made you feel like that when I cheated."

"Harry - "

"And I hate the thought of this guy hanging around you in some romantic ski lodge, knowing he turned you down when you wanted him, thinking he could have you if he wanted you, when I'm not there..."

"He couldn't have me," I argued, shaking my head. "And he's not like that. He's a decent guy."

Harry looked at me sharply, and I realised defending Adam probably wasn't what he wanted to hear at that moment.

"You've got nothing to worry about," I insisted. "We're rock solid, Harry. OK, we argue about stuff sometimes, but you can't honestly think I would look twice at anyone else when I have you?"

"No," he muttered. 

"Do you trust me?" I asked.

"Of course I do," he said softly, finally putting his arms around me. "I was just shocked, that's all. I didn't know about... you and Adam."

"There's nothing to know," I said, pressing my cheek against his chest as he rested his chin on top of my head. "I was stupid and drunk and wasn't thinking straight. And I'm so so glad it didn't happen."

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"No, I'm sorry," I sighed. "I should have known you would be upset about it. I should have told you."

"No, I overreacted," he said, tightening his arms around me. "I need to stop doing that."

"Yeah, well, I can be a brat sometimes. Neither of us are perfect. We both have flaws."

"I love you," he murmured into my hair.

"I love you too," I murmured back, lifting my head and kissing him on the lips. "Nothing and nobody can come between us."

---***---

I know you're all waiting for New Year, and I'm not deliberately stalling, I promise! But there are certain things that have to play out before we get there, and these scenes sometimes take longer than I anticipated once I start writing them. You've been very patient, so thank you xxx