43 - So Many Words We're Not Saying

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A little part of me hoped Harry might knock on my door, or text me, or even bite the bullet and slide into bed next to me. I knew that me even thinking this way showed I was finally letting go of the past, and that now the biggest thing stopping me from going into his bedroom was the fear of jumping back into the whirlwind that had been our relationship and getting hurt all over again. Well - that, and the idea that maybe he had actually moved on, and that had been the reason he hadn't followed through with anything after the moment we'd shared on the sofa.

I pushed all these thoughts to the back of my mind and focussed instead on remembering that he was doing exactly as I had asked, and was giving me space. I loved him even more for this, and was looking forward to spending the next morning with him and his family before I had to drive back.

When I woke up the next day the sun was streaming through the curtains and I could hear the birds singing outside. I saw I'd had a text from Harry only a few minutes ago saying he had gone down for some breakfast, and to join him when I was awake. I pulled some long pyjama bottoms on, quickly brushed my teeth and splashed some cold water on my face, and made my way downstairs. I could hear laughter and chatter coming from the kitchen, and when I walked in Harry had Gemma in a headlock and was rubbing the top of her head with his knuckles while she squealed. He let go of her as soon as he saw me and raised one eyebrow.

"What time do you call this?" he demanded, making a huge show of looking at his left wrist, where there was no watch.

"About ten minutes after the time you got up," I replied, just as Gemma retorted, "You've only been up five minutes yourself!"

Harry rolled his eyes and deliberately bumped into Gemma as he walked over to the cupboard and pulled out a mug for me.

"You're such a pain," she said, tolerantly, and sat down in his chair at the kitchen table and began eating his toast.

"Oi!" he protested, and while Anne wasn't looking Gemma stuck up her middle finger and smiled sweetly.

Harry poured me a cup of tea while I sat down and helped myself to the toast in the toast rack on the table. Harry came and took a seat next to me and took a fresh slice while Gemma looked smug.

"What do you want to do this morning?" Harry asked me, taking a sip of his tea. "I don't have to be at the arena until five today. We could go for a walk if you want? Or drive a bit further out to Marbury Park, for a change?"

"Ooh, Marbury's lovely," Gemma piped up. "I haven't been in ages."

"Who said you were invited?" Harry fired back immediately, but he was grinning as he said it.

"Oh - God - sorry," she said, her face falling. "I didn't mean to intrude. Sorry."

"You didn't!" I laughed. "I assumed we would all be going?" I looked at Harry and he nodded.

"Marbury Park it is," he confirmed.

We finished breakfast and went up and had showers, and then got into Anne's car and drove towards Middlewich, before turning off the main road and taking the country lanes north in the general direction of Northwich. We arrived at Marbury Park and took one of the longer footpaths through the trees. The leaves had begun to turn yellow, red and orange, and this, coupled with the low sunlight, made for some great scenery. I had to admit it was definitely a beautiful part of the world.

"How many shows have you got left?" I asked as we walked along kicking pine cones.

"Eighteen," he replied without hesitation, and I raised an eyebrow.

"Wow. You really are on countdown, aren't you?"

He smiled. "We're all just shattered. I'm looking forward to a couple of weeks off before we head back to America for our last promo over there. I just want to relax. Liam and Sophia don't seem happy at the moment, so I think this could be a make-or-break few weeks for them."

"What?!" I said, stopping dead in my tracks and staring at Harry.

"Yeah, don't repeat that," he said, looking uncomfortable.

"Of course I won't," I said, resuming my pace again. "I'm just shocked, that's all. First Louis and Eleanor, then Zayn and Perrie, now Liam and Sophia. What next?!"

"You're forgetting me and you," he said, without looking at me.

"I'm talking about long-term relationships, in the public eye," I explained. "We were never public. Is Liam OK?"

"No, to be truthful," he sighed. "I think he's a bit torn. I actually think they've drifted apart but he doesn't want to admit it to himself. I dunno. I may be reading too much into it."

"I hope they work it out so they're both happy," I said, after a minute.

"Yeah, me too," he said.

"Have you had any more thoughts about what you're going to be doing next year, on your break?" I asked. "Like, whether you're going to be over here or in America?"

"I've got loads of potential stuff I could do," he said, after a moment. "I still haven't finalised anything yet. I need to make some decisions soon, really. I'd definitely like to spend some time in LA, if only for the better weather. But I don't know about long term. Why?" he asked, turning to look at me.

"Just wondering," I said, shoving my hands in my pockets.

"Would it be a problem, me being in LA?"

"Of course not," I said, staring down at the twigs on the path as we walked along. "If that's where you want to be, you should go. Especially if there are loads of opportunities for you."

Liar! my subconscious screamed. You'd miss him like mad if he relocated permanently! It'd break your heart!

Yes, but I'm not asking him to stay in London to be friends with me, I replied in my head.

You don't want to be 'just friends' any more, though, do you?

Shut up, I told it, fiercely. Stop making me think things that I'm not ready to think.

"Mmmh," Harry replied, noncommittally.

We walked down a slope in front of the mere, and stopped to admire the beauty of the water.

"It's even nicer in the summer," Anne said, from next to me. "It's quite warm over here because it's always so sheltered by the height of the trees."

A couple of swans swam over to us, eyeing us with interest, and Harry looked at them nervously. One of them hissed at him and he hastily retreated a couple of steps, much to Gemma's amusement.

"Have we finally found a species that doesn't go weak at the knees at the sight of Harry Edward Styles?" she gasped, clutching her heart.

"Shut up," Harry muttered, but a half-smile played on his lips as he caught my eye that of course, made me go weak at the knees.

"We should have brought some bread," Anne mused, before we continued our walk along the side of the mere.

~~~~~

By the time we got back to the car we were getting cold and hungry. The drive back to Holmes Chapel was only about twenty minutes, and Anne headed straight to the kitchen to cook lunch. Harry and I settled on the sofa and played a couple of games of Snap, and then Rummy, during which Harry repeatedly (and openly) cheated, causing me to put my cards down in a huff.

"If you're going to cheat I'm not going to play," I declared, at which he laughed delightedly, leaning back on the squishy footstool he was sitting on, across the other side of the coffee table. "It's not funny," I added, crossly, but he just laughed harder.

"Lighten up," he teased.

"I don't like cheating," I pouted. "Calvin always cheats, and he thinks it's hilarious, too."

"It is hilarious," Harry grinned. "Actually, no - what's hilarious is how wound up you get, every time."

"I'm not wound up."

"Yes you are," he said, gleefully. "And the worst of it is, you really really want to laugh right now, but you won't, because that would be acknowledging that I'm right."

"No I don't," I snapped.

"OK," he grinned. "Jess - whatever you do.... don't smile."

Immediately the corners of my mouth twitched, which made me even more furious with him.

"No, don't smile! " he repeated, and my lips betrayed me, as he knew they would, and as I knew they would, and I felt a grin spread across my face.

"You are so fucking annoying," I hissed, just as Anne walked into the room.

"Language," Harry scolded, loudly, as my face turned beetroot and my stomach dropped to my toes.

"Harry, stop winding Jess up," she smiled, tolerantly, giving me a knowing look.

"Wha - I wasn't!" he protested indignantly, his mouth open in disbelief.

"I've known you since the day you were born," she said as she sat down in the armchair and picked up a copy of Cheshire Life magazine. "I know every trick in that book of yours, and the angelic, butter-wouldn't-melt look is the least effective."

I pointed my finger at Harry and laughed silently at him while Anne wasn't looking, and he shook his head at me in mock disappointment.

"Just you wait," he mouthed, and I rolled my eyes while my stomach fluttered at his words.

We enjoyed a full roast dinner around the dining table, and then played a game of Scrabble in the lounge before Harry had to start getting his stuff together for the show that night. I fetched my things from the guest room and just as I came out onto the landing Harry was emerging from his bedroom, his overnight bag slung over his shoulder. He smiled when he saw me and my stomach flipped again.

"You heading off now?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'll leave the same time as you," I nodded. "It'll take me a few hours to get home."

"Thanks for coming up this weekend," he said shoving his free hand into his pocket. "It was good to see you."

"It was good to see you too," I said. "It's been fun, just hanging out."

"Yeah, it has."

Silence.

My heart was pounding again now as my nerves had returned. My proximity to him was having the old effect on me. I could smell his aftershave and it made me want to move closer to him, to breathe in his scent, to drown in his being.

"You OK? You're looking at me weird."

My eyes snapped from his neck up to his face and I felt my cheeks begin to burn.

"Was I?" I laughed nervously. "Sorry."

"Come on," he said, gesturing to the stairs. "My car will be here in a sec."

"Harry," I began to say, but it came out as a whisper that he didn't even hear as his bag slipped and he shifted his weight to steady it. I love you, I thought to myself.

He was looking at me expectantly, and I licked my lips nervously. A horn sounded outside.

"That's for me," he said. "I have to go."

"OK," I replied, defeated, and descended the stairs in front of him. Anne, Robin and Gemma came out of the lounge to say goodbye to us both, and after I'd hugged them all and thanked them for their hospitality, and promised to stay in touch, the moment with Harry had passed. He gave them all hugs, told them he'd see them later, and then turned to me as they conveniently disappeared.

"I'll text you," he said, casually. "Or text me, whatever."

The doorbell rang and he rolled his eyes and opened it. Dale gave me a nod and a grin, and then looked to Harry.

"Hurry up, H. You'll be late."

"One sec," he replied, and Dale gave another nod and walked back to the car. "I'll walk you to your car," he offered to me, and so I obediently followed him out of the door across the drive to where my car was parked, next to the black Mercedes that was waiting to take Harry to Manchester Arena.

"Take care," he said, holding his arms out to me, and as I stepped into his embrace I allowed myself a moment to pretend like nothing had ever gone wrong with us; that Sara Sampaio wasn't the embodiment of our break-up and that neither of us had ever made a bad decision when it came to our relationship.

"You too," I murmured into his shoulder. I love you. I want you back.

Say it! my subconscious instructed, impatiently. Say it before it's too late!

But my mouth didn't seem able to function properly, as it never did when I wanted it to, and I let him release me and walk over to the Mercedes, and watched as he slid into the back seat. I got into my car, fastened my seat belt and waited while the other car turned around and paused at the junction to the road. I turned my car around too while it waited for the road to be clear.

Blow him a kiss! my subsconcious screamed. Do something, anything, just let him know you love him!

But as usual I didn't listen and settled instead for a casual wave which he returned as his car pulled out of the drive and onto the road, back towards the village.

You're going to regret that, I told myself as I slowly pulled out of the driveway.

I was right. I would.

---***---

Last chance to vote for the No Control series for Best Trilogy, and Trace Of Innocence for Best of the Undiscovered in this year's Fanfiction Awards! Voting closes this Friday so if you'd like to support my books take a look at my Wattpad bio - details of how to vote are there!

Sooo.... Harry's on the final leg of OTRA, on countdown to the end of the tour. Do you want him back together with Jess? Are they better off just friends? Let me know your thoughts!

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