"What - so Jeff pressured you into it?" I said in horror, and he looked up at me in surprise.

"God, no!" he replied. "I wanted it. Everyone was buzzing, Jeff offered it to me, and at the time it just seemed like the solution to all my problems. I knew from experience it would perk me up and I just wanted an escape from everything. An escape from being me, just for a couple of hours. I didn't have to think twice - I just took it."

"Oh my God," I said, and it came out loud and shaky. "Oh my God."

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

I couldn't think of anything to say, even though a million questions were flying around my head. I couldn't articulate a response. I was in shock. Of all the things I had expected him to say, this hadn't even entered my head.

I stared at him with my mouth open, unable to speak.

"Please don't look at me like that," he said miserably.

"I just... I don't...," I stammered. "I'm just shocked," I said eventually. "I don't know what I was expecting you to say, but it wasn't that."

He nodded, and looked down at the carpet.

"I mean, I'm not stupid," I added. "I know the kind of circles you socialise in, and who your friends are. I'm not completely naïve. It doesn't exactly come as a shock to me that you've taken drugs. I suppose I just assumed it wasn't a regular thing."

"It isn't!" he said, quickly. "It's rare. I've tried stuff a couple of times, mostly when I was a bit younger, on our first couple of tours, and on odd occasions over the last couple of years. But it's never really appealed to me, even though a lot of my friends do it. It's never really been my thing. It had been over a year since I last took anything, I swear to you. I was literally on the verge of cracking that night, over everything that was going on in my life. I just wanted something to take the edge off, and I know that doesn't excuse it, but that was the reason I did it. It was the worst decision I've ever made."

"I wouldn't have thought Speed was your thing," I mused, thinking aloud. "I'm no drugs connoisseur, but I would have thought Coke was more your scene."

"None of it is 'my scene'," he snapped, emphasising the last two words with air quotes. "I told you, it's a not a regular thing for me. But you're sort of right - when I've dabbled in the past I've taken Coke more than Speed. But I need to tell you the rest; I need to get this out, and explain the full story. Please," he begged.

I was reeling from this part of his confession, and my mind was frantically trying to process this information, and fit it in with the parts I already knew. It was like a jigsaw puzzle in my head, with Harry handing me the remaining pieces, one at a time. I wasn't sure what the end picture looked like, but from the way he was talking it seemed to be far from complete.

"OK," I said, and it came out as a hoarse whisper. "Carry on."

"I felt the effects pretty quick," he began. "I'd snorted it to get the high quicker. I didn't feel tired anymore, I just wanted to party. We stayed in the bar for about half an hour, and then decided to go on somewhere else. We walked outside and I saw Sara. She was with another girl from their group, and she smiled when she saw me. I went over to say goodbye to her and she was being all giggly and flirty. I gave her a hug, and she sort of pressed herself up against me, and..." He stopped abruptly.

"And what?" I asked, afraid of the answer.

"And... it kind of turned me on, the way she felt against me. She gave me a kiss on the cheek, and I kissed her cheek, and then she gave me a flirty smile and then left."

His eyes looked watery, but tears were spilling down my cheeks now.

"So you did fancy her," I choked out, standing up. "You did want someone else. I knew it. I knew I wasn't enough for you."

"No, Jess, please, you have to hear the rest," he pleaded, standing up too and reaching for my arm.

"I don't want to hear the rest!" I cried. "I don't want to listen to how you had the hots for some size zero bitch, and fųcked her in your hotel room because I wasn't pretty enough to keep you satisfied."

My chest heaved with sobs and I turned away from him and covered my face.

"No, it wasn't like that," he protested, and I heard his voice break. "Please let me explain. It's not what you think, I swear to you, Jess. I swear on my life."

"Just go, Harry," I whispered without looking at him.

"No," he said, and behind me I heard a sob, and a sniff. I turned around in surprise. "It wasn't as straightforward as that," he said, his voice wavering and his lip trembling. "Please just let me tell you everything. This has been a secret for long enough. You need to know the truth."

Something in his eyes made me listen. It could have been the sadness. It could have been the desperation. Or it could have been my own desire for self-destruction. But whatever it was made me wipe my eyes furiously and sit back down on the bed. I stared resolutely at him, steeling myself for the words I knew were going to hurt me.

"I went with Jeff to the next bar and he had some more shots, and all of us were buzzing," he continued, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. "I felt on top of the world. None of the stuff I had been worrying about seemed important anymore. It was like I didn't have a care in the world. But at the back of my mind I knew I needed to call it a night because I didn't want to be too trashed in the morning, so I told them I was going to bed, and Dale took me back.

"I could hardly walk. I don't know if it was the alcohol or the Speed. I was wrecked. I managed to get into my hotel room and Dale made me drink a pint of water slowly. He knew what I'd taken and he didn't want to leave me alone, but I knew I needed to go to bed. I was trying to convince him to go when my phone rang. I thought it would be you, but it wasn't, it was Sara. I thought it was odd that she was ringing me, so I answered the call. She asked where I was; I said I'd gone back to my room, and she asked if she could see me. I tried to put her off because I didn't feel comfortable at the thought of her coming up to my hotel room. I mean, we're not particularly close - it just felt weird. I told her I needed to get to bed, but she said it was important, and she was worried about Nadine. So I gave in and told her Dale would meet her downstairs and bring her up. He was only gone a few minutes; I made a cup of tea while I waited, and poured one for her too. I was still off my face, and I needed to sober up, and come down. When she arrived, she gave me a hug again, and... and I had that same reaction to her. Please, let me finish," he said quickly when he saw my face crumple again.

"Oh Jess," he said softly as I cried behind my hands again. "I'm not saying this to hurt you, you have to believe me. I've got to tell you what really happened."

"Just carry on," I sobbed, without looking up. "The sooner you get this off your chest the sooner you can leave me the fuck alone."

He was quiet for a moment and I kept my face hidden while I calmed down, then he cleared his throat and carried on.

"I offered her the cup of tea I'd made for her but she said no. We went and sat down on the little armchairs in my suite, and she started telling me she'd had an argument with Nadine because Nadine thought she had been flirting with me. She said she was worried about Nadine, because she'd had a lot to deal with lately with her friend being admitted to an eating disorder clinic, and apparently she'd been talking about me a lot, saying I was the one that got away, and she should never have let me go. I wasn't really saying much. Sara kept giving me these looks, like really intense looks, and she kept crossing and uncrossing her legs a lot. She said she understood why Nadine was so cut up over me, because I was a very attractive person. She was flirting with me, and I remember sort of flirting back."

I looked up to see him looking at me apologetically.

"A lot of this stuff is hazy, and I can only remember bits of it. I remember yawning, and she asked me if she was boring me. I said she wasn't, and then she said she was feeling tired and needed a buzz. She offered me the same stuff Jeff's friend had given me, but I said no, I'd already had some. I was starting to feel a bit weird, and I just wanted to go to bed, but I didn't know how to kick her out without being rude. She asked if I minded if she had some, so I said I didn't, and she got up to go to the bathroom. She brushed past me really close, and touched my cheek with her hand, and I knew she was kind of coming on to me, and... and my body was reacting to it. I told her it was late and I had to catch a flight back to Brussels the next day, so she said she'd be really quick and then she'd leave. I waited while she snorted a line in the bathroom, and then when she came out she said she'd let me get to bed. The way she was looking at me - it was obvious what she wanted. She came really close to me again and gave me a hug, and she started stroking my back. It was turning me on, Jess - she was pushing her body against me, and then she kissed my neck, and..." He broke off as I let out another sob. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

"No, go on," I choked. "She kissed your neck and then what? You fųcked her?"

He flinched at my words and looked away.

"Don't go all shy on me now Harry!" I shouted, as more tears spilled down my cheeks. "You wanted to tell me the full story, so come on! Out with it!"

"She kissed me on the lips and I kissed her back," he said in a rush.

"And then?" I pushed, wiping my face with my hand.

"And then we had sex," he said, and then let out a sob and buried his face in his hands.

"Great," I said, trying to sound blunt and uncaring, but my voice wavered and squeaked instead. "Well, you've done what you came here to do. So get the fucķ out of my life and do not contact me again."

He lifted his face and stared at me in shock. His eyes were red and filled with tears.

"Wh - what?"

I stared back.

"Oh don't tell me this has come as a surprise to you?" I half laughed. "What did you expect me to do, throw my arms around you and take you back? You still cheated. You still boned Redrum. Nothing's changed, except you snorted a couple of lines of white powder into the bargain."

"No, I'm not asking you to take me back. But there's still more to it, Jess," he said miserably. "Please don't kick me out until I've told you everything."

"I already know the rest!" I shouted. "You can't excuse the fact you cheated!"

"But you need to know why!" he shouted desperately. "You're judging me on half the story! At least let me get to the end before you kick me out of your life for good!"

I didn't have the energy to argue anymore. I turned away from him and sat down on the side of the bed with my back to him. I cried quietly as he continued with his story.

"I didn't really feel anything - no emotion, I mean," he said, his voice shaking. "It was like it was happening to someone else. It was over pretty quick. I must have fallen asleep straight afterwards, because I woke up the next morning and saw her lying there, and for a second I didn't remember. I just thought it was you, and then... then I saw her dark hair, and I just... I couldn't believe it, Jess. I couldn't believe what I'd done. I remember sitting up and looking at her and in that moment I knew it was over between us. I knew I'd ruined everything for good. I knew in my heart I was everything you were afraid of; a liar, a cheat and a player. I hated myself. I felt so sick, and it wasn't from the alcohol or the drugs. It was because of what I had done. I got out of bed and I only just made it to the bathroom before I chucked my guts up. There wasn't much there - I hadn't eaten anything since lunchtime the previous day. I was sick because I knew I'd lost you. I knew I didn't deserve you."

I could no longer see through my tears. The entire room was a blur, and my body was shaking with sobs, from these revelations. I stayed with my back to him, biting my nails as I cried, until I could taste blood.

I heard him get up off the chair, and I felt the bed dip behind me.

"Please look at me," he said softly, with a sniff.

"I can't," I choked.

"You can. Please."

"Don't, Harry," I begged. "Don't play with my emotions like this. It's not fair."

He gave a half-sigh, half-sob. We were both quiet for a minute, until I heard him take another breath.

"I had a shower, and by the time I was finished she was awake. She was trying to be affectionate with me, but I had to set her straight. I apologised for what had happened, and told her I had a girlfriend, and that I shouldn't have done it. She knew about you, because Nadine had told her, and she said Nadine was going to kill her when she found out about this, because the whole reason they'd come to that bar last night was so that Nadine could try and get me back. She said Nadine was ruthless, and would stop at nothing. I should have figured it out then, but I was hung over and sick at what I'd done, and I wasn't really paying attention. She said she was sorry that I regretted it, and that she didn't, and that she would have liked to see me again, under different circumstances. I said I didn't think that was a good idea, and apologised again for the whole thing, and then she left. I couldn't face staying in the hotel room a minute longer. So I got my stuff together and Dale came and picked me up."

"Wait a second - what do you mean?" I asked, turning round and frowning at him, wiping the tears from my eyes with my fingers.

"What?" he asked, his expression mirroring mine.

"What you just said then - something about you should have figured it out then? Figured what out?" I asked, staring hard at him. He didn't look away. "Harry?" I prompted, when he didn't answer. "What should you have figured out?"

---***---

Sorry to break it there... OK, well I'm not really, but I'm working really hard on getting the next chapter finished right now, so I will post it as soon as I can. Maybe tonight, or maybe tomorrow, but at the latest Wednesday so keep an eye out for a notification!