He looked down at the floor for a moment.

"What happened in New York - it wasn't as straight forward as you think. I wasn't myself that night. So much stuff had been going on in my life, and I just wanted a break from it." He hesitated again, and looked me in the eye. "Before I explain everything, I just want you to know I don't expect this to change anything with us. I know what I did was inexcusable, and I'm not trying to weasel out of it. I was a dıck, and I messed up, worse than you know. But I'll tell you, because I owe you the truth at the very least. I'm just sorry it's taken me this long to man up and speak to you. Please believe me when I tell you I am so, so sorry for what I did. And I won't blame you if you hate me even more, OK?"

I felt nauseous. What the hell had he been hiding all this time? What could be worse than sleeping with someone else? Did he sleep with more than one person?

Suddenly I didn't want to know. I wanted him to leave. He was scaring me, and I longed for righteous ignorance again. I didn't want to know the truth if it was going to hurt me even more. But somehow my tongue felt glued to the roof of my mouth, and all I could do was stare at him. He seemed to take this as permission to continue.

"I found out Louis had got Briana pregnant just before you arrived at the Cardiff show. He'd known for a while, and had told Modest, but they'd made him wait to tell us. He dropped the bombshell backstage and I... I didn't take it well. I was a fųcking dıck to him. He was shít scared about telling us, and I just went for him. Not physically," he added, his eyes darting to mine quickly. "I mean verbally. I didn't hold back. He'd taken me by surprise, and it was everything I was scared of suddenly manifesting itself right in front of me. I didn't know how to deal with it. I shouted at him, made him feel like shıt, and we had a blazing row. The others tried to intervene but I wouldn't listen. I said some really hateful things. Things I should never have said. But I was spurred on by - " He hesitated again, and looked up at me nervously. "I was spurred on by my resentment of him for the way he flirted with you. I was jealous of him. I have been since day one; far more than you know. I used that as an excuse to yell at him, and I let all my feelings out. I was horrible, and I wish I could take it back, even now."

I stared at him, my mouth open. Harry had often joked about me having crush on Louis, and had brought it up when we had argued on the phone when he'd found out about our kiss, and had even admitted his jealousy in the conservatory at my parents' house back in May, but I'd had no idea it had been so deep-rooted.

"Harry," I said softly. "I never had feelings for Louis in the same way I did for you. I had a stupid Directioner crush. It was a fangirl thing. I was never in love with him."

"You still kissed him," he pointed out. "And if he'd kissed you back, who knows where it would have led that night?"

I sighed and looked away. "OK, I won't deny that," I admitted. "And I'm not excusing what I did, because I never should have made a move on your friend. I crossed a line there, and I know that. But I can only profess that I was drunk and miserable, I wasn't thinking straight, and no matter what may or may not have happened if Louis hadn't pushed me away, it was still an action based on impulse rather than any deep feeling. I loved you, Harry. Not Louis. I know I flirted with him but it honestly didn't mean anything. I swear."

"I know," he nodded. "I know it didn't. And I know Louis didn't instigate the kiss, and didn't encourage you." I nodded too. "I also know you both admitted you would though," he added, with a trace of a smirk, and I stared at him with wide eyes, my face slowing turning beetroot.

"I - he - it's not -" I stammered, and he grinned.

"It's alright. He told me in context. Another time, another place, another life. I get it. I've known for ages that Louis thought you were hot. And I could tell you felt the same."

"Harry," I began, but he shook his head.

"It's fine," he smiled. "I'm over it. Honestly."

I swallowed hard and kept quiet, willing him to carry on with his confession so we could move off this embarrassing subject.

"Anyway," he said, clearing his throat. "You were right when you said you had picked up on some tension between me and Louis. It was horrendous. I was so stressed about the whole situation with the baby, but I kept it hidden around you because I was ashamed at how I behaved towards him. My stomach was in knots about it, but in this industry you're conditioned to keep going, keep functioning, because the show must go on. I knew I had been unreasonable, and I thought if I told you what had happened you would take his side." He sighed. "I wish I'd talked to you about it before I left for Vienna. If I had, it would have alleviated some of the stress I was under, and I would have been in a better place when I went to New York. And then maybe what happened there.... wouldn't have happened."

"I wouldn't have taken Louis' side over you," I said sadly. "No matter what you'd said to him. I would have been there for you. I knew something was up between the two of you."

"I know you did," he said in the same tone. "There's so much I wish I could go back and change."

We were both quiet for a minute, and I stared at the top of Harry's head as he stared at his feet. I was still so painfully in love with him. I honestly couldn't imagine a time when I wouldn't be.

"Nadine had texted me a few times," he continued after a minute. "I never initiated the conversations," he was quick to assure me. "She always texted me first. It was friendly at first, just saying hi and stuff, and then she started getting a bit flirty, and reminiscing about when we were together. I shouldn't have texted her back really, but you have to believe me when I tell you it meant nothing to me. I wasn't trying to lead her on. But I did have sort of... I dunno, unfinished business I suppose you could call it, with her. She broke my heart - or at least I thought at the time she did. I was devastated when she broke it off. She dumped me, not the other way around. She didn't trust me. I ..." He closed his eyes and looked down at the floor. "God, this is so embarrassing. I told her I loved her, and she didn't say it back. I thought I was in love with her, but I realise now it wasn't love."

"Seems to be a bit of a repeating pattern," I remarked, and he looked up at me but didn't react.

"Anyway, when she asked to meet up with me, after I told her I would be in New York for the night with Jeff, I sort of wanted closure. I didn't harbour any feelings towards her, and I told her that before I went, but she insisted she still wanted to see me. She'd been through a tough time lately - one of her friends had been battling anorexia, and it had been emotionally draining for her. She said she needed to see a friendly face, so I agreed."

"Why didn't you tell me, if it was all so innocent?" I asked.

"I thought you'd get the wrong idea," he admitted. "I knew you had trust issues with me. You'd believed me so many times before, and had to put your faith in me over and over again. I just didn't want to have that argument with you again. It made me annoyed to think in my head that you wouldn't trust me over this, so I chose not to tell you. And if it had been the other way around, I wouldn't have liked it either. I knew in my heart it was completely innocent, but I didn't know how to make sure you believed me. I mean, be honest," he said. "You wouldn't have liked it, would you?"

I thought for a moment. "No, probably not. But if you had been honest with me all along, that Nadine had been in touch with you, and told me you needed the closure for your own sake, maybe I would have been OK with it."

"Would you? Really?" he asked, giving me a look of mild disbelief.

"Well I guess we'll never know," I answered, finally, and he gave a nod of concession.

"I went for lunch with her at a hotel in New York," he explained. "She was on some fashion shoot there anyway. I knew as soon as we sat down it was a bad idea. She was flirting with me, and talking about our relationship, and before long she was saying she missed me and she wanted to get back together. I told her it wasn't going to happen, and then she got upset. She started crying. She said she should never have let me go, and she thought she was in love with me. I told her I didn't feel the same, and that I had moved on, and she got even more upset. She was saying mean things about you; about our relationship. I had to be really firm with her, and that just made her worse. It got really awkward, so we went up to her room so she could calm down."

"Oh God, Harry," I said, dropping my face into my hands. I didn't want to hear any more. I couldn't take another episode of infidelity thrown in my face.

"No - Jess - nothing happened, I swear!" he said, holding his hands up. "She was all upset so I gave her a hug, and then I think she may have been about to try and kiss me but I turned away and she pulled herself together. That's it, I promise."

I blinked back the tears that had stared to form in my eyes, and Harry made a sudden jerk of movement, as if he was about to put his arms around me but changed his mind at the last second.

"After that she calmed down, and she was really embarrassed. She begged me not to say anything about it to anyone, so I said I wouldn't. We managed to have sort of a normal conversation after that. I told her I was going out with Jeff that night and would be flying to Brussels the next day, and she asked me where we were planning on going, so I told her." He paused. "I wish to fuçking God I hadn't, because none of this would have happened, but..." He trailed off, his face set in a hard line.

"You said you told Nadine you were in love with me," I said timidly, and he looked back at me.

"Yeah, I did. That's why she got so upset. She started saying I couldn't possibly be in love with you, because you weren't anything like me. She said you would never understand me the way she did, because you didn't have any experience of the celebrity world. I told her she was wrong. I told her you understood me far better than she ever did, and she didn't like that. I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have kicked her while she was down but she was belittling us, and what we had, and I was pissed off with her. I should have just kept my fuckïng mouth shut."

"Why?" I whispered, but he pressed his lips together and put his head down again. There were a few moments of silence before he carried on.

"I went back to my hotel and got showered and changed, and went to meet Jeff -"

"Wait - so when you texted me earlier that day to say you were going for lunch with Jeff, you were really going with Nadine?" I challenged, and he hung his head in shame.

"Yeah. I'm so sorry I lied. When I called you afterwards I wanted to tell you what had just happened, but that would have meant admitting I'd lied to you repeatedly, and I didn't want to do that over the phone because I knew you'd be angry, and you would have had every right to be. I felt like shıt about it. I needed you, but I couldn't talk to you without telling you everything. I'd backed myself into a corner. I couldn't see a way out." He paused for a second. "I felt even worse when you knew, instantly, that something was wrong. You described exactly how I was feeling, just from the tone of my voice and I felt so fucķing guilty that I'd lied to you. I felt sick. I just wanted to come home and tell you everything, but I was scared how you would react. I was scared you wouldn't trust me again, and I'd been through all of that when I was with Nadine. She never trusted me. None of my girlfriends have ever trusted me, and you can't even begin to imagine what that's like. When you know in your heart you would never be unfaithful, but no one believes you..."

His voice wobbled and he quickly looked down at the carpet, but I couldn't stop myself from standing up and taking a step towards him. Without even looking up he put his arms around my waist from his sitting position and pulled me close, so I was standing between his legs and his cheek was pressed against my stomach.

I wrapped my arms round his shoulders, holding him tightly and pressing my lips together hard as I tried to fight back tears, but it was no use. Seeing him like this, broken and vulnerable and laying himself bare to me, was breaking my heart all over again.

---***---

The next part of Harry's confession will be next Saturday :)

Can anyone guess what really happened? Leave your theories here if you want, and please don't forget to vote for this chapter if you liked it! xx