I reached between us and began unbuttoning Harry's shirt, and he seemed to have been waiting for a green light like this, because his kisses intensified, setting my senses alight and spreading fire through my body.

I pushed his shirt down over his shoulders and let it drop to the floor and he pulled me up by my hands and shifted position on the bed so I was kneeling up over his lap, bending my head down to kiss him as he crushed handfuls of my hair in his fists, breathing heavily. He found the zip at the back of my dress and pulled it down, before lifting it over my head and casting it aside. His hands were straight back to my hair again and his lips moved urgently against mine, as if somehow afraid I was going to change my mind again and pull away.

As if I would be able to leave him now. I was in too deep, and had been from the moment I caught his eye at that wretched house party. He knew I had no control around him. And now he was using my own weakness against me, holding me ransom. I knew all this, yet I still kissed him back with rivalled intensity, pulling his face close to mine, craving his touch.

He tasted drunk, but he suddenly seemed to have sobered up since things had become sexually charged.

His lips broke away from mine and brushed against my neck and I suddenly realised with burning shame I was wearing a rather unsexy plain white bra and boring knickers. (Obviously I hadn't planned on hooking up with my ex before I'd left the house that evening.) His hands stroked my back and deftly unclipped my bra and I threw it on the floor before he could get a close look at it. My fingers fumbled with the button on his jeans for the second time that night as he slowly pushed me back on the bed again, leaning me against the pillows; and he kicked them off impatiently as I struggled once again to get them past his thighs.

He came to lie between my legs, pressing his hardness against my pelvis as his lips found my right nipple and his fingers found my left. I whimpered his name, and he gave a small moan that I couldn't quite interpret. I brushed his hair back from his face with my fingers, scratching my nails gently over his scalp and he moaned again, definitely in pleasure this time, and closed his eyes. Skating my nails down his back I felt goosebumps rise on his skin and he shuddered as I brought my hands back up his sides and then pulled his face up to mine. His lips met mine with force driven by desire, and I pushed his boxers down and reached for him again, finding him hot and rock hard. He groaned softly.

He slipped my knickers down my thighs and I pulled him between my legs again. I wanted him - I didn't know how much longer I could last without him. I felt him brush one finger against me, and felt his breath against my cheek as he sighed.

A sudden thought occurred to me; one I wanted to push away but knew I couldn't, that should have sprung to mind sooner, but as I opened my mouth to ask him he somehow read my mind and said it for me.

"We can use a condom if you want."

I pulled back an inch, breathing heavily as I stared at him, knowing I had to ask the question, but terrified of the answer.

"Do - do we need to?"

He stared at me for a moment, his breathing matching mine.

"I understand if you want to. After what you said... in Karen's office..."

My face burned in shame as I remembered throwing that cruel remark in his face in the heat of the moment, but at the same time I couldn't afford to take any risks if he had been sleeping around without protection.

"Do we need to?" I asked again.

He hesitated, before replying, "There hasn't been anyone else. Not since..." he trailed off, and I was glad he did. I would have collapsed in tears if I had heard her name fall from his lips. "And you're the only one I've ever... you know... without..."

"You'd better not be lying, Harry," I said, half pleading, as I moved slightly and felt him pressing gently between my legs.

"I'm not... I wouldn't..."

"You would... you did," I whispered, trying not to let my sadness show in my voice.

"I'm sorry," he whispered back, his lips millimetres from mine and his hair falling in my face.

I felt him slide inside me and I let out a small cry as emotion overcame me and his lips crashed onto mine again. He moved gently and slowly, his mouth pressed softly to mine, and it didn't take long before I could feel the familiar tension building. I couldn't stop touching his body - his hair, his back, his neck, his arms. I had missed him so much. Being with him again in this way just completed me.

He picked up the pace and broke away from my lips, pressing his face into the base of my neck. My whole body tensed in anticipation of what was to come. I gripped his biceps and cried out his name as I came, and he immediately began thrusting harder and faster. I wrapped my legs around his waist and squeezed my eyes shut, feeling dizzy at this intense high, and his hot breath on my neck sent shivers down my spine.

As the feeling began to fade and I relaxed my muscles, I felt Harry shift slightly as he moved, and he lifted his head up to look at me.

"Are you OK? Was that good?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said faintly, struggling to control my breathing and my heart rate.

He was still moving, and he stared into my eyes for a moment, pushing himself deep into me. He lifted his hand up to stroke my hair off my face but I flinched away at the familiar gesture, suddenly overwhelmed by this feeling of closeness that I knew wasn't real.

He put his head down again as I turned my face away, and kissed my neck as he continued his pace, and then he gave a small gasp and murmured, "Baby, I'm gonna come, OK?"

Baby.

"OK?" he whispered again, and I turned to look at him, to tell him this was fine.

He thrust hard into me one more time and screwed his face up, letting out a small moan and leaning down, his lips searching for mine, but I couldn't do it. I turned away again and his lips brushed my neck instead as he spilled into me, panting and trembling, and I felt a drop of sweat land on my shoulder from his forehead.

"I'm sorry," he breathed softly; sadly. "I'm so sorry..."

I didn't answer, but kept my head turned to the side, away from him, as he finished.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered again, as he finally stopped moving and collapsed on top of me.

I felt a tear leak out of the corner of my eye as I struggled to overcome my emotions. His heart was hammering against mine and his breath was still hot on my neck.

I waited a moment before gently but firmly placing my hand on his bare chest, attempting to push him off me.

"Don't," he pleaded, his voice slurred and barely above a whisper, and his breathing still ragged. "Don't push me away... please..."

I pressed my lips together hard, fighting the stream of tears that were just waiting to run down my cheeks. I let him lay on top of me for another minute until his breathing had slowed, before I attempted to push him off me again. He didn't fight this time, and as I slid out from underneath him and he remained on his front in the bed with his eyes closed, I realised he was asleep.

I curled up on my side facing away from him, a foot of space between us, and cried silently.

I'd rejected him in the first instance because there had been no feeling in it. But this had been far more hurtful - the pretence that he cared, and my own stupidity for wanting to believe he loved me, just for one last time.

I could never do this again. This was the worst mistake of all. I seemed to be trying to break stupidity records tonight.

I stayed there for about half an hour while he slept beside me, dripping tears onto the Egyptian cotton pillow case and steeling myself to walk out of his life for good this time, with no intentions of going back.

Eventually I wiped my eyes and carefully sat up. I slid off the bed and began pulling my clothes on as quietly as I could, desperate to get out of here before he woke up and I had to face him after I had just given him exactly what he wanted.

I picked up my bag and slipped my shoes on, and looked back at him one last time. He would be cold, I realised, sleeping on top of the covers like that. I set my bag down next to his phone on the bedside table, and remembered with a jolt his reaction in Karen's office when I had reached for his phone to see the time.

What had that been about? What was on his phone that he didn't want me to see?

My stomach began to churn sickeningly as my eyes darted to his sleeping figure, and back to his phone again. I reached towards the home button with trembling hands, and just as I got within an inch of it Harry gave a deep sigh and I snatched my hand away, my heart pounding, and looked down at him. His mouth was slightly open but his eyes were closed. He had obviously drunk more than I had realised, as he was completely passed out.

I gently pulled the duvet up over him, and as I leaned over him to tuck it round his shoulders he gave a groan.

"Jess?"

I stiffened.

"Jess?" he asked, more clearly this time, but his eyes were still shut tight. I couldn't work out if he was dreaming.

"Yeah, it's me," I whispered, staring at his face. "I'm here."

He gave a single nod and sighed softly. "Love you."

---***---

So not content with SPEAKING TO HARRY STYLES at the Manchester concert on Sunday, we are going again; Newcastle this time, front row again. I don't know what my life has become, but it involves Harry calling me cheeky so I am absolutely fine with it.

I'm still dead, though.

My concert pics and videos are on Twitter if you want to take a look @scooby_snacks94 and they have even made their way onto instagram and tumblr.

Next update will be Saturday! Don't forget to vote if you liked this chapter!! xx