H E A T H

It had been two days since Leonie was admitted to hospital. She was now well enough to be transferred to a rehabilitation center about three hours out of town. She'd been showing me pictures of it online. It looked nice. The sort of place you'd see celebrities checking into after a few too many stints had gone public. She kept telling me that it could have been worse and to me, worse was dead. So she was right. It could have been.

In typical Leonie fashion, she was using humor as a coping method. But there was a definite shift in her overall demeanor. Something a little bit darker perhaps. But I had faith that she would come back from this. I had to have that faith. Not just for myself but for her. If I behaved as if she was some lost soul that had let her depression win, she'd feel it and it wouldn't help her at all.

The dynamic between us had been hard to navigate. I wasn't sure where we stood in terms of relationship. Sometimes I'd find myself wanting to lean in and kiss her. Or hold her hand. Or tell her that I love her. But at the same time, I didn't want to push. Every so often I'd see her watching me. She'd flinch as if she was going to reach out as well and I think what was holding her back, was the fact that she felt guilty for how she'd ended things.

I knew her well enough to know that was how she was looking at me. With guilt.

"Yeah, hi. I'm Heath Gilmore. My— girlfriend is being admitted this afternoon," I told the kitchen facilitator for mental health and well-being at the rehab center. I'd been passed from person to person for the last half hour while I tried to get hold of anyone who knew about the menu. "I was told that you were the person to talk to about the meals?"

"Yeah..." she sounded older but soft. Just a little unsure. "How can I help?"

I sat down on the row of plastic chairs outside of Leonie's room. She had her friends visiting to say goodbye before she left. I thought I'd give her the space to do so. "I wanted to ask if there was an option for fries on your breakfast menu?"

"Oh," she chuckled. "Nope. Just dinner. Not every night. But a few times a week."

"Right," I ran a hand down my face. "I was hoping that you'd consider putting them on the breakfast menu. If it wouldn't be too much trouble?"

She paused for a moment. "Um. Well that's not really something that—"

"Please? Leonie is— she's scared. I know she is. She's about to spend the next three months in rehab and I know that it might seem like a silly thing to request but this girl, she loves fries. She'll eat them at all hours of the day and I know that if she had access to them at breakfast, well it might make the smallest amount of difference to her comfort and adjustment. Please."

The line was silent for a long moment. I thought she might have hung up on me, probably reasonable considering I was rambling about the importance of fries. But then I heard her tapping on a keyboard in the background. "I'm sure we can put it on the breakfast menu. I've made a note to have a chat to the breakfast chef. Alright?"

I smiled and exhaled with relief. "Thank you. Really. I appreciate it."

"Anything else?"

"No. Thank you again."

We said goodbye and ended the phone call. I startled as I stood up and realized that Meredith was standing beside me. She smiled. "She's very lucky to have you."

"It's nothing," I waved a dismissive hand and slipped my phone into my hoodie pocket.

She shook her head. "It's not nothing. I'm so grateful that she has you," her voice took on a little tremor and I knew that she was about to thank me again. She'd been doing it repetitively for the last three days. "I just don't know what I would have done if you weren't there when she needed you."

"It's not worth thinking about," I gently told her, allowing her to give me a hug. It wasn't like I could blame her for the emotions she'd been going through. Her daughter almost died.

"Do you think I'm doing the right thing?" She stepped back and used the sleeve of her top to wipe under her eyes. "Sending her off to rehab. Locking her up like she's completely unstable?"

"She has to be willing to go," I reminded her. "It's not prison."

"I know. But it was an ultimatum. London or rehab. Not a lot of great options."

"I guess you can see it like that. Or you can see it like you're helping her and doing your best to prevent a repeat. The fact that I was there was a blessing. But I might not have been. And making sure that it never happens again is what's most important right now. I mean, when Benny died, she talked about these thoughts. Perhaps something should have happened then?"

"I thought her meds and the school counselor would be enough," she mumbled.

"Did you? Or did she convince you that it'd be enough?"

She pursed her lips and confirmed what I'd been thinking.

"Trust your instincts," I said. "She'll be in good hands at this place. She'll be better for it."

Meredith let me know that she wanted to check in on things at reception and find out how far the ambulance would be. I'd offered to drive Leonie - accompanied by her mother - to the facility. But going by ambulance was standard and enforced procedure. So I wandered back into her room and found her sitting on top of her bed, surrounded by her friends.

She was wearing a white hoodie, the sleeves pulled over her fists and a pair of PJ pants. She smiled as I closed the door behind me. Whenever those lips lifted and her cheeks dimpled, I was appreciative in a way that I couldn't really describe.

"How about I wait outside of the place. What's it called again?" Bray snapped his fingers while he grasped for the answer. "Mather's Mercy. How about I wait outside and snap some photos from a distance. Like a pap. You can be the tragic celeb that got snapped drunk driving."

Jess slapped him in the chest. "You're so insensitive."

"If it wasn't three hours drive, I'd tell you to go for it," Leonie lightly laughed. "I could wear a red wig and huge sunnies and spark up another Lindsay rumour."

"Leave Lindsey alone," Ethan cried, dramatic and loud as if he was having a breakdown. The room fell quiet and everyone stared at him until Sarah cleared her throat.

"It's um, leave Britney alone."

"It is?" Ethan recoiled with surprise. Amy snorted from the other side of the bed. I hadn't seen the two of them converse or look at each other but there seemed to be mutual respect happening. So I could appreciate that. Ethan shrugged his shoulders. "Too many white girls with drug habits. Who can keep up?"

"I'm going to miss you losers," Leonie sighed, staring around at the faces looking back at her.

It raised a question that I wouldn't dare utter aloud, but I had to wonder why she felt alone. Alone enough to do what she did. Some of this was genuinely hard for me to understand. Perhaps I couldn't without having experienced it. No matter though, I would never disregard it even if I hadn't felt it.

"There must be some sort of visitors day?" Sarah said, she was tucked under Alex's arm at the foot of the bed. "We could all come and see you if there is?"

"For sure," Bray nodded. "I've got the van. We'll all fit."

"Yeah as if Jess will ever be allowed out of the house for more than thirty minutes at a time now," Leonie scoffed. "Not including school."

Jess groaned. "I am considering moving out. Like for real. I'm eighteen. I must have total control over my own choices now."

"You do," Amy folded her arms causing her paper thin dress to pull tight on her bra-less chest. I didn't mean to notice and I averted my eyes as soon as I did. But Leonie noticed what I'd noticed. Her side on glance was full of amusement. "You're an adult now. If your parents don't want to respect you, you don't have to respect them. Move out if they can't grasp that concept."

"Is it a bit cold in here?" Leonie pretended to shiver. Was she for real? I was immensely grateful for every piece of her that I got back. But I wasn't one hundred percent sold on the teasing. "There's just a bit of a nip in the air."

I pretended to rub my jaw. But I was hiding a grin that was moments from becoming a snigger. She couldn't help herself. The rest of the group shook their heads, oblivious to what Leonie was insinuating. Thank goodness. Even Amy politely declined needing the heater on.

"Maybe I should move into your apartment?" Jess raised her brows at Leonie. "What's happening with that while no one's there?"

Leonie sat up straighter with excitement. "That's perfect!" She clapped. "Yes. Do it. It'll just be sitting there. I'm serious. Move in. We can live together when I get back."

Jess chuckled. "Mom and Dad would have a fit."

"They can't stop you," Amy reminded her with a sing song voice. "The fact that you can't even have a boyfriend without getting grounded is insane. You're eighteen. I'd move out."

Bray pulled her in closer and began whispering something in her ear that made her cheeks bright red. It must have been out there if Bray was keeping it quiet. He was like Leonie in the sense that he said whatever in front of whoever.

"I actually think I should," Jess gasped like she couldn't believe her own mind. "Do you think your mom would let me?"

Leonie nodded and started pulling her hair back into a bun only to pull it out again. "Unless Sarah and Alex want it?" She grinned. "A little taste of living alone. The real married life."

Sarah laughed but shook her head. "We get enough alone time with mom working nights. It's better if I'm where she and Heath are though. Just in case."

"What about you?" Leonie looked at me and I could see after Sarah's comment, she was a bit more somber. "You can have the apartment if you want? Be there when I get back."

I swallowed. That was a discussion that we hadn't had and I wasn't sure that it was one that I wanted to have in front of her friends. Still, perhaps she was nervous and wanted to confront it in a casual way. So I smiled. "I think Jess needs it more than I do."

"I wanna be offended," Jess narrowed her stare. "But you're right. I need to get the hell out of home. ASAP."

The door opened and a nurse popped her head in. I don't think she was expecting the amount of guests that were filling the room, but nevertheless, she smiled and sought out Leonie. "Five minutes. The ambulance is good to go and someone is heading up with a wheelchair."

"A wheelchair?" She recoiled. "My legs work just fine. My brain is the problem."

Grace, the nurse, blushed and nodded. "I know. But it's protocol."

"I'll only sit in it if Bray can push me."

So after a hospital corridor rendition of the fast and the furious, Leonie arrived at the back entrance. She'd had her quick thrills thanks to Bray sprinting through the building while he pushed her in the chair and skidded her around corners and wheelied her into a fit of laughter. It was fun to watch her happiness.

There was a final round of emotional farewells. They all hugged and Meredith stood to the side, holding back her tears as best she could. After all of them were gone, I stepped forward and she stood beside the ambulance doors, hair billowing, smile slipping.

"Would you hate it if I apologized again?" She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear that kept catching the wind and covering her deep blue stare.

"I wish you wouldn't. There's nothing to apologize for."

"You know that I still love you, right?"

It wouldn't be an exaggeration to admit that those words coming from her mouth made me feel as if I couldn't feel the ground beneath me. It made me realize that I really thought I'd lost her. That I might never get her back.

"I love you too," I said, lacing her fingers with mine. "Always have and I always will."

"I still don't feel like I deserve you," she admitted. I could see the ambulance staff becoming impatient. They could wait. Everything could wait. "And I wouldn't blame you if I came back in three months and you'd moved on. Forgotten all about me."

There was no chance that I could resist reaching out and snatching her hand. With her fingers laced in mine, I drew her forward and cupped her face. "I couldn't forget you, if I tried. I'll still be here when you come back and I'll still love you. But you need to go and figure out how much you're worth and how much you really do deserve. Go and give yourself the healing you need baby. I'll be right here."

Tears welled in her eyes. Her blue glistened and I stroked her cheek with my thumb while I watched her lip tremble. "This is what I mean," she choked. "You have no idea what I'm thinking right now but you'd be pissed if you did. You just— you could do so much bet—"

I held a finger to her lips. "I get to decide what I want and what I deserve," I murmured, storing her face to memory. Not that I would forget it. I just knew that it could be a while before I saw her again. "And it'll always be you. Always."

Pressing a kiss against her forehead, I squeezed her hand and felt my heart clench. It was insane that I felt so lost without her. She'd be back soon. But having her within arms reach, close enough to touch, to kiss, to see smile, that was fulfilling and I knew that it would be a long three months. She stepped up into the ambulance and looked back at me as her mom slipped in behind her. Her gaze moved over me and her lips lifted into a small grin.

"You are hella hot, Heath Gilmore," she blew me a kiss. "I'll see you and those arms in three months. Don't miss me too much."

I laughed as the ambulance doors closed and began to pull away. It'd be impossible not to miss her. But there was a lot that I had to keep me occupied at home. Including studies. It was strange. I hadn't been able to focus well in almost a month. But I had this sudden weight lifted from me. Leonie was safe. She'd smiled. She'd let me hold her. I started walking back to the parking lot with a bit more optimism than I'd felt in a while. It seemed like things were finally looking up.

When I got home, Damien was sitting on the sofa in the living room. He was watching a bunch of enormous men in little suits lifting huge weights on the television. I let the door swing shut and stared at him in confusion when he peered over the back of the couch. "What are you doing?"

"Watching The World's Largest Men," he aimed the remote at the television and switched it off.

"Why are you doing it in my living room?"

He stood up. "I was waiting for you. Your sister let me in a few minutes ago. Said you were seeing your girlfriend off at the hospital. Sounds like I've missed out on a lot of drama."

I exhaled a deep breath and walked into the kitchen. He wasn't far behind me. "It's not drama," I said, pulling the fridge open in search of a cold water. "It happens to be my girlfriend's life right at the minute. I wouldn't call her near death experience 'drama'"

"Right," he nodded and leaned against the counter top with an apologetic wince. "I'm sorry bro. You wanna fill me in? Last I heard she'd flipped a switch and dumped you after losing the baby. Guess it got a bit worse?"

"A bit," I spoke through a clenched jaw and tried to remember the fact that Damien wasn't the most sensitive or thoughtful person. "And no. I don't want to talk about it."

"Right. But she's still your girlfriend?"

"I think so," I ran a hand through my hair and felt my mood slipping from the better place that I'd been on just half n hour ago. "It's weird but I love her and she loves me and I guess we'll just figure it out when she gets back."

He widened his eyes and blew out a long breath. Like I exhausted him. "So she gets in a pissy mood, breaks up with you, does whatever she wants for weeks or something and then fucks off to rehab to three months and expects you to be waiting for her when she gets back?"

"A pissy mood?" I stared at him. "She had a miscarriage. She has depression. She had an episode. I wouldn't call it a pissy mood."

"Okay fine," he shrugged. "But it sounds like she knows that you're whipped for her and she's taking advantage of the fact that you'll just wait around for her and let her get away with being a total bitch."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"I'd get on with life if I was you, bro. Sounds like more hassle than it's worth."

"Damien," I looked up at him and glared. "No offence, but shut the fuck up."

He held his hands up in surrender. It didn't matter that I'd snapped at him though. We'd been friends forever. Instead he slipped his hands into his pockets and furrowed his brows. "Alright, your turn to give me some advice," he said and I stared at him. Did he really believe that he'd just given me advice?

"What?"

"Bianca," he clacked his tongue. "I can't stop thinking about her. Ever since Sarah's wedding man. I'm just. . . I don't know. I think I really like her. I know she has a kid which isn't a problem. But she won't give me a minute of her time. No matter how hard I try. You're friends with her? Maybe you could talk to her? Or I don't know, tell me what to do."

I thought about what a strong woman Bianca was. How self reliant and independent she was. I began walking out of the kitchen. "You can't win her over. She's not the sort of girl that you'd have a chance with to be honest, Damien."

He followed me. "What? Why?"

"Because you're you."