Three weeks went by faster than I had anticipated. Ian and I tried to see each other as much as we possibly could. But it was rough. The night before I was supposed to be at my dorm, Ian told me he had something special planned. I was to meet him at 8.

Seven thirty rolled around and I was about as nervous as the first time Ian and I had sex. I didn’t want this to be the last time. I didn’t want to go to State. I didn’t want to leave Ian. But I had no choice.

This meant I had to make the most out of this night. I glanced at myself one more time in the mirror before I moved quickly down the stairs. Just as I was about to leave, my mother called out to me.

“Ryder, are you going out?” she shouted, her footsteps echoing throughout the house.

“Yes,” I called back. “I’m just saying goodbye to some of the neighbors, before I go tomorrow.”

“This late into the evening,” she questioned. “Okay – Well, could you at least bring this dish over to Mrs. Bloom’s for me? She’s been waiting for ever. I really don’t want to bring it over tomorrow.”

I groaned as she moved into the kitchen, retrieving some casserole dish. I grabbed it and carried it over to Mrs. Bloom’s house. I rang the doorbell two or three times before it opened up. Chris was the one who met me.

“Well, this is a pleasant surprise,” he grinned madly as I handed him the dish.

“Compliments of my mother,” I retorted sarcastically. “Give that to Mrs. Bloom for me.”

Just as I was about to walk away, he grabbed my arm. “Wait a minute. That’s it. You don’t even say hello or should I say good-bye, in this case. I heard that you’re leaving tomorrow.”

He let go of my arm as soon as I turned around. I guess I could spare a minute or two, considering I had been a complete asshole to him. To be fair, he didn’t really deserve it.

 “Yeah, I am actually,” I shrugged. “I have to be back early for swimming practice. What about you?”

“I have like another week or so,” he replied his eyes flickering to the ground.

“Look Chris, I’m sorry about the way I’ve acted,” I apologized. “I shouldn’t have been such an asshole to you.”

Chris nodded. “Don’t worry about it, dude. We’re cool. Keep swimming, Phelps.”

I smirked. “Look out for me on the Olympics. See you later.”

Chris chuckled as I walked over to Ian’s place. It was five past eight. I’m sure he didn’t mind I was a little late. I shoved my hands into my pocket as I moved up the porch steps. I tapped my knuckle lightly against the door a few times. I could hear Hercules barking as Ian’s voice echoed throughout the house.

He opened the door after a minute or two, his eyes tracing mine. “Well – come on in.”

I pulled my shoes off, as Ian closed the door shut behind me. A sweet smell entered my nose as I moved towards the kitchen. Just as I was about to walk in, Ian stopped me.

“You stay in the living room,” he ordered as he pulled my jacket off of me. I groaned as I found my way into the living room. Hercules followed me as I moved towards his desk, my eyes catching onto a stack of papers. I smirked as I picked up what appeared to be his manuscript. It was titled “J.R” a novel by Ian Golden.

I flipped to the first page, my eyes tracing along the dedication page.

Dedicated to J.R.

Who was J.R? Ian hadn’t mentioned anyone with those initials before. Was this his last boyfriend? Someone in his family? A friend? I flipped through the pages, stopping in a random spot.

Tall. Dark hair. Medium Build. Young. Everything about him reminded me of J.R That crooked smile of his and the way he teased me. But was he like him or did I just want him to be like J.R? Maybe the similarities were just a part of my twisted obsession with J.R.

Was it wrong of me to lead him on like this? What would he think of me if he knew the only reason I wanted him was because everything about him reminded me of him?

From the moment, he walked into my home, I wanted him. I wanted him so bad that I could hardly control myself around him. Being a friend – a role model even was difficult for me.

Thankfully he made the first move.

I bit my lip. This character he was describing vaguely resembled me. But there was no way this could be about me. Could it? Just as I flipped further through the book, I felt someone’s arms around my waist.

“Doing some light reading,” Ian asked as he brushed his lips against the crook of neck. He picked up his manuscript and scanned it quickly, before closing it shut.

“Oh you were getting to the good part too,” he winked. “You were just about to get to the part where Isaac and Sam have passionate sex for the first time.”

Ian placed it in his desk, as he took my hand in his, pulling me into the kitchen. He seemed to be in an extra cheery mood. It probably had something to do with the alcohol on his breath. He must have had a few drinks before I came.

“Ian, who’s J.R?” I asked as we walked down his narrow hallway. When we got to the dining room, I found he had set up a candle lit dinner just for the two of us. He even had his fancy silverware out. There was even a bottle of merlot on ice sitting on top of the table. He had definitely spent a great deal of time planning this evening.

“I don’t know if you’re a wine drinker or not, but this Merlot is excellent,” Ian emphasized as he popped it open. “I also have beer if you’re not feeling wine.”

“I’ll try some,” I replied as Ian poured me a half a glass. A smile crept onto his face as he raised his glass to mine, gently tapping it, before he took a few generous sips.

“So,” he began. “I was going to make this elaborate dinner for the two of us, but I figured eight might be too late for dinner. So I made chocolate fondue instead. I thought I might as well try out this fondue set my publisher bought me after the completion of my first book. You know this is the first time I’ve even opened it. I never really had an occasion to use it.”

I nodded as Ian went on about the fondue set. He was clearly tipsy at this point. I had never heard him talk so much or act this playful. He was usually pretty reserved.

I chewed on some strawberries as he poured himself glass after glass of Merlot. At this rate, he was going to finish the bottle on his own. Just as he was about to pour his fourth, I asked for another.

“You never answered my question by the way,” I muttered. Ian’s eyes flickered to mine curiously.

“I didn’t, did I?” he replied as he placed his glass down beside mine. “What was the question again?”

“Who is J.R? The title of your book is J.R and you dedicated it to J.R.,” I explained. Ian went silent for a moment or two, before disappearing down the hallway. He returned a minute later with his manuscript in hand. He flipped through the book, before stopping on one page.

“Here we go,” he muttered underneath his breath, as he cleared his throat, reading the page aloud. “Everywhere I went I was reminded of J.R. I’d see the cherry red flush of his cheeks on the apple I was eating. I would see his dark brown eyes in the chocolate of the ice cream a small child was eating on a cool summer day. J.R. was everywhere and he was a part of everything. But he wasn’t anywhere I wanted him to be. His soft hair wasn’t lying against my pillow. His cologne no longer lingered on my bed sheets. His shirts weren’t mixed up among my laundry. For someone to be such an intricate part of my life and to be gone the next minute – it was simply cruel.”

I shook my head, unsure how that answered my question. I was just as lost as I was before.

“You still don’t know,” Ian said reading into my facial expression. “No guesses at all. Wow. Either I’m a horrible writer or you don’t know how to read in between the lines, Ryder. J.R is you, Ryder Jacobson. It’s just your initials backwards. The character in the book is loosely based off of you.”

I chewed on my lower lip. Well I felt stupid. How did I not recognize my own initials? Ian chuckled as he ran his fingers across my chin, kissing me on the forehead.

“No more questions about J.R. now,” he said as he stuck the manuscript into a cabinet. “If you want to know, you have to read it. I’ll send you a copy when it’s officially released. I’ll even sign it for you.”

I rolled my eyes as his eyes glazed over mine for a moment. “Are you ready for part two of this evening?”

“There’s a part two?” I asked curiously.

“Oh yeah,” Ian grinned. “There are three parts. Follow me to my bedroom.”

I took another sip of my wine quickly before I followed Ian upstairs to his bedroom. Well it appeared things were moving very quickly. I started unbuckling my pants as soon as I crossed through the door frame.

“So, horror or comedy movie?” Ian asked as he sifted through his movie collection. I quickly buckled my pants back before he looked at me. That would have been embarrassing. I shrugged.

“Your choice,” I replied as he slipped a movie into his TV. I found a comfy spot on his bed as he set everything up. A moment or two later, Ian was sitting beside me, his arm wrapped around me.

And for the next two hours, Ian and I were silent. We didn’t say a single word to each other. We just laughed on occasion at the movie. It was nice though – just being with him. It just showed that we didn’t have to be physically intimate to be an intimate couple.

I was exhausted by the time, the movie went off. I could barely keep my eyes open.

“Don’t fall asleep on me now,” Ian said as he gently shook me awake. “I have to show you something.”

Ian pulled me off of his bed, and out of his bedroom. I followed begrudgingly. I rubbed my eyes as Ian led me downstairs to his basement. What could he possibly have to show me down here?

My mouth opened as soon as I reached the bottom step. He had refurnished his entire basement and even had an indoor Jacuzzi installed. When did he have the time to all of this?

“My gift to myself for finishing that book,” Ian said resting his hands on his waist. “I haven’t tried the Jacuzzi out yet. I thought maybe you’d want to try it out with me.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” I retorted as I began pulling my clothes off. A Jacuzzi was definitely a worthwhile investment. My body instantly relaxed as soon as I sat inside of it. Ian sat down opposite of me, sighing with relief.

“Definitely worth it,” he acknowledged. “You know I always thought Jacuzzi’s were a waste of money. But I think I might have been wrong.”

“You think,” I chuckled as I closed my eyes. “I know you’re wrong. I need one of these.”

“What I need is for you to come closer,” Ian said ushering me towards him. “It’s lonely over here.”

“I’m too comfortable,” I retorted. I could hear Ian groan as he moved towards me. I didn’t realize how close he was until I felt him brush his lips against the side of my neck. His hands fell onto my crotch as he traced his soft lips down my neck, sucking and biting until I was moaning.

“Ian,” I sighed as he started working his way up to my lips. “I don’t want us to break up.”

He stopped as soon as I said that, his hazel green eyes meeting mine. “Ryder, we already talked about this. I thought we both agreed it would be better if we just ended it now before either of us gets hurt.”

I shook my head. “No. You suggested that. I never agreed to it. How can you be so sure it won’t work out?”

Ian scoffed, not saying a word. “Don’t make me answer that question. Because you won’t like the answer.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I huffed. “You don’t trust me? That’s what you’re saying. Because I fucked Chris, right? So you think I’ll screw this up.”

“Ryder, come on. You know how impulsive you can be, especially when you’re really interested in something,” Ian explained. “There’s going to be a ton of attractive college guys at state. You’ll get lonely – “

“I can be faithful, Ian,” I argued. “I may have screwed up with Chris. I was being stupid. But that was one time.”

“All it takes is one times,” Ian insisted. “And I’m not saying you can’t be faithful. I’m just saying it’ll be difficult. I’ll get lonely too. It’ll be hard for me too.”

“You don’t believe that,” I huffed. “Now you’re just trying to be diplomatic. It’s clear you think I’m the weak link in this relationship.”

Ian sighed. “That’s not true. Look, Ryder, I don’t want to argue with you. Can we just have this one night together? It is our last, whether we are together or not after this.”

“Fuck you,” I growled as I hopped out of the Jacuzzi. I grabbed a towel off of the ground, slinging it around my shoulders as I rushed upstairs. Ian called out to me, as I struggled to pull my clothes back on.

He didn’t think I could be faithful at State. He thought I’d screw this up. He wasn’t exactly a saint himself. At least I was willing to try. He didn’t even want to give it a shot.

“Ryder,” Ian said as I dried my hair off. I took a few deep breaths in, trying to calm myself down, before I answered him.

“Yes,” I mumbled as his footsteps cracked behind me.

“I love you,” he began. “You know that, Ryder. I don’t want this to end just as much as you. Whether we like it or not, we’re going to be away from each other for a long period of time. I won’t be able to see you. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you or that I don’t want to be with you. It’s just we’re doing two different things right now. When we’re done, I want to pick back up, we’re we left off. But I don’t want you to put your life on hold for me. If you meet someone else, I want you to explore that. I don't want to hold you back. And I hope you want me to do the same.”

“So that’s it,” I muttered as Ian rested his hands on my shoulder. He kissed the back of my neck, tenderly.

“That's it for now,” Ian replied, turning my body so I was facing him. He lifted my chin towards his face, as he pressed those soft pink lips of his against mine.

After tonight, he and I would be officially single. But just for now. 

Hopefully in another year, Ian would still be here, waiting for me.  I would do the same. It would be my proof to him that I didn’t need anyone else, but him, and that he didn’t need anyone but me.

I could be his J.R. 

I would be his J.R.