Chapter 45

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I spent Friday night awake, calling Liam on repeat and listening to the songs on my playlist he had on his iPod while the tears soaked my cheeks.

One could tell many things through music, and although he never said anything to me, those songs did.

I knew I meant something to him, but knowing it didn't mean that it hurt any less.

Now, I was convinced that he saw me in the restaurant. Aiden was there, and the fact that he walked out of the restaurant hastily meant he wasn't alone. Paul's words about perfect timing also made sense. Of course, the bastard rejoiced in the fact that Liam saw us together. I couldn't understand why Paul wouldn't leave me alone. Him being in the same place was also unsettling.

Then, there were bruises - the ones I hid behind a thick layer of foundation and concealer.

I didn't call Liam today. It was Saturday, and after crying my heart out at Ellie's and littering her couch with crumpled tissues, I agreed to go out with her and Lucy, Ellie's classmate.

This time, the club was great, and I had fun dancing and talking to the girls. I admitted that Liam and I kissed, feeling relieved that Ellie didn't get mad at me for keeping things from her. She would be if she knew just how many times I lied.

The city lights flashed in the windows of the cab. Ellie and I were on our way home. She was the one who told me Aiden and Liam went out with their colleagues. A text from Liam saying that we needed to talk was the only thing I'd gotten from him since yesterday.

The taxi stopped in front of our building. We paid the driver and got out of it.

"I'm tired." Ellie yawned, covering her mouth with her palm. "But I'm happy we went out. I needed that."

"Are you feeling better?" I asked my friend, who also had a reason to be sad - her mom wouldn't be able to visit, and Ellie had to go home in barely two weeks, leaving Aiden in Paris until Christmas.

"A bit." Ellie sighed. "Aiden will be so hurt, Sky. He doesn't like that we're keeping our relationship secret still."

"I kinda get him."

Ellie frowned. "Me too. I just didn't expect my mom would get the ticket for me without asking me first. If she were here, it would be much easier to talk to her and come clean."

"Aiden will understand." I rubbed Ellie's back and hugged her to me in the elevator. "He loves you."

Ellie pecked my cheek. "And I love him. And you, although you kept that kiss from me."

Sighing, I whispered, "I just don't know where we stand, Ellie. It's all really complicated. We're both too broken."

The elevator stopped on my floor. Ellie pressed the button to keep the doors from closing and shrugged, winking at me. "Maybe two broken make one whole. Perhaps all it takes is a leap of faith for the relationship to work."

"Maybe. Good night, matchmaker."

Ellie grinned and blew me a kiss, watching me exit the machine and fish out my keys.

Having let myself into our apartment, I left my purse on the floor next to the bed and padded to the bathroom to remove my makeup.

Not wanting Liam to think that I snooped in his things, I searched the songs he had on the playlist and made a playlist of mine, listening to music in bed until my eyelids grew heavy, and I surrendered to my tiredness.

Something in my bed jerked me awake in what seemed like an hour.

"Liam! What the hell are you doing here?" I whisper-yelled, spotting the guy who ignored me snuggled up to me in my bed.

Liam rubbed the back of my neck with his nose and pressed his lips to my skin. "Shut up, woman. I just wanna be close to your boobs."

Huffing, I shoved him away. "You're drunk."

"And you broke my fucking heart into tiny little fucking pieces. Is his dick bigger than mine?" Liam asked. Then, I heard him chuckle. "Nah, I'm positive it's not. I bet we'd need the microscope from Tim's science kit to see it. Why, babe? Why would you have to go there when all I wanna do is make you mine and fuck you senseless?"

My eyes went wide, but I didn't turn around, not knowing what I'd find if I looked at Liam.

"Yeah," he went on whispering. "Sense-less. Against the damn fridge like when you were drinking water in those goddamned shorts the first night, all flushed and sexy as fuck. Fridge first, bed later. No, wait-the couch with you on top, then the shower from behind, then the bed from...fuck, I don't even know anymore. You under me. Yeah, good idea. All warm and cute and mine. My fucking wet dream."

Liam tightened his arm around me and kissed my neck, letting out a content sigh. Then, his warm palm moved to my stomach, stroking my bare skin.

"I'm hurt as fuck, and I'm jealous, and I'm obsessed with you. It's a first, Sky. I've never felt this way, and you just had to get all cozy with that micro-dick."

I was right. Liam did see me. His drunken rambling would be amusing if it didn't remind me of the fact that he didn't trust me and ignored my calls deliberately, assuming things he had no idea about.

Putting more distance between us, I wrapped the comforter around me and fell asleep as soon as I heard Liam's light snores.

***

I woke up before Liam did the following morning. After taking a long shower and getting dressed, I put a pack of aspirin and a glass of water on the nightstand and went to the kitchen to make breakfast for the stubborn ass in my bed and me.

Liam appeared in the doorway almost an hour later, with bloodshot eyes and his hair messier than ever.

"Good morning, sunshine." I smiled at him and pecked his cheek. "Wanna have some good breakfast?"

Liam's stunned eyes stared at me. "Yeah, I mean, maybe. I kinda feel I might throw up."

"You party like a rockstar but cannot recover like one, huh?"

Liam eyed me warily.

I went to the fridge to get some orange juice, deliberately giving Liam the view of my butt in the shorts he apparently loved.

"Fuck." I heard him mutter, then groan as he shifted on the chair.

I loaded his plate with omelet and bacon and put it in front of him together with a glass of orange juice and a cup of steaming coffee.

"Eat. I also wanted to boil some micro sausages, but I thought the sight of those might upset you." I shrugged, taking a bite of my omelet and moaning way more than necessary.

Liam chewed his food, looking at me with guilt on his face.

When his food was gone, he clutched the mug in his hands and said, "Sky, we need to talk."

I took a sip of my juice and leaned back in the chair. "That's why I called you fifty times on Friday."

Liam stared at his lap. "I-"

Before I started my appointments with Sophia, my reaction to the whole mess we found ourselves in would be blaming myself and thinking that everything had something to do with the way I was or the things I did and said.

But somehow, my therapist made me realize that I did deserve better. I wasn't perfect, but who was?

I took a deep breath and looked at Liam.

"You will listen to me, to everything I have to say. Then, if you have something to add, you will have time for that."

Liam nodded. "Okay."

"You saw me at the restaurant with my ex, but I wasn't there with him. I went there with my classmates to plan the project for Econ. When one girl went to the bathroom, and the other one went out to take a call, he appeared out of nowhere and sat at my table, touching me when I didn't want him to.

"He must have seen you and done that on purpose. I don't know why. You only met once, and I know he doesn't care about me. He's a prick who enjoys making my life hell and ruining things.

"You saw me and assumed I cheated and left without even letting me know you were there. Your things were gone just like that, after the first night we spent together.

"It was the first time for me. I felt happy and vulnerable at the same time. You made me feel so much pleasure I struggled not to take things further. I wanted to go all the way with you the following night.

"But then you ignored me and didn't come home, and I cried my heart out, alone in our apartment on Friday night not because of Paul but because of you. You promised not to hurt me. You begged me to give you a chance, to be your girlfriend, and you left me alone and didn't even care to know what happened. You didn't care how I felt.

"I'm not going to ask you where you spent the night. If you cheated on me, it's on you. None of what happened is my fault. It's not my fault that my ex is a horrible person, and it's not my fault that your ex screwed you up and made you unable to trust girls.

"I did nothing but show you how much I cared about you. I opened up to you and I let you in. I let you into my bed and into my heart, even though I had no guarantee that you wouldn't break me. You said you didn't want a relationship, and I gave you a chance anyway. You locked the damn door in my face, and I forgave you because I knew you had issues, Liam."

My voice turned shaky, and I swallowed the tears that clogged my throat now. "It hurts me to do it, but I know what toxic is. I'm not going there. I cannot do this anymore. This tug of war and overreacting and then ignoring me- none of this is healthy. None of this is helping me heal. I need to get my self-confidence back so that I can be happy again, and you make me giddy with happiness one moment and crush me with your indifference the next.

"You asked me if there was something I had to tell you, my answer is yes. You don't know everything, but trust has to be earned. How can I open up to you if despite showing you how I feel you still think I am like your immature ex? What else do you want me to do to prove that I'm different?"

"God, Sky...I... I don't even know what to say now."

"I don't need words, Liam. Words mean nothing. I only know that I refuse to cry over a guy, even if that guy is you. This one time, I have to be strong and put myself first."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Liam asked, focusing his pain-filled eyes on me.

I shrugged. "We're not even together."

"You know it's not true. Don't say that, for God's sake. You know how much you mean to me."

"The truth is, I don't," I whispered. "And no, I'm not going to ignore you or stop answering your calls. You and Tim mean too much to me. I will be here for both of you, but I'm not going to be intimate with you. When I give myself to someone for real, I want to be sure. Right now, I'm not."

I saw Liam's jaw tremble. "I'm such a fucking asshole. You don't deserve it, sweetheart. You deserve much better than what I'd put you through."

I wiped at my wet cheeks. "I do. I'm going to the dance studio now. I need to get out of here and clear my head."

Liam got up from the chair and made a step toward me. Then, he wrapped his arms around me, and buried his face in my neck, stroking my back. I returned his embrace and pressed a kiss to his cheek, feeling the moisture there, wiping it off with my lips.

"I'll be back in the evening," I said and freed myself from Liam's arms, leaving him alone in the kitchen.

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