4~Satan Santa, Santa Satan

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"Why me, I mean, why me? I'm the only sane guy out of all those nutheads."

I watched quietly from the sofa as the blue-haired demon before me paced back and forth. He'd been pacing for the past twenty minutes non-stop to give you an idea.

Namjoon and Jin had left for the "insurance lady's office" (who the heck would think demons had insurance??) while Jungkook and Taehyung had supposedly gone to "school" and Yoongi and Hoseok were nowhere to be found.

Jimin had lead me into the house after ensuring the roof wasn't going to collapse on us. The moment we had entered the surprisingly well-furnished parlor of the house the blue-haired creature had begun his pacing.

Said person paused to meet my gaze before whipping around and resume pacing, muttering under his breath. "I actually value education and want to succeed in life. I'm the only one out of this crackhead family. Why me? Why?"

"Jimin..." I tried.

"All Yoongi does is sleep, and if not that, cuddling with Hoseok. Neither of the two realize how freaking thin the walls are for crying out loud! And Taehyung and Jungkook are always ditching class to do the randomest crap," Jimin exploded into a rant. "You know what they did last week?"

I shook my head, slightly fascinated at how the demon before seemed to be practically glowing with rage. His iridescent blue hair seemed shinier than usual and his eyes were all but flashing like hard gems.

"The two idiots ran down the school halls during exams yelling 'Jiminie pabo'!"

Jimin paused to look at me expectantly.

"Er, that sounds awful," I fixed a sympathizing look on my face.

Jimin narrowed his eyes slightly. "You don't even know what 'pabo' means do you?"

"Pebble?" I suggested weakly.

"Why me, I mean, why me?" Jimin moaned, burying his face into his hands. "All Namjoon cares about are crabs and paying the insurance bill for all the crap he breaks. Oh, that reminds me."

I jumped a little as Jimin abruptly looked up and set me with a firm look. "Do not try to use the toilet for now. You'll flood the house in a second and Namjoon hasn't talked to the insurance lady about it since."

My jaw fell open a little. "Not use the toilet?! Then what the hell am I supposed to use?"

"Go outside and do your business in the bushes," Jimin waved dismissively. "All of us make it just fine and the toilet's been broken for a month now."

"But...I can't just do business in a bush!" I sputtered, panic building in me. "I... just no!"

"Why not?" Jimin frowned. "Taking a dump, yeah that's a but tricky at times. But for peeing you just gotta stand, aim, and-"

"Dude, considering you're a so-called expert in school do you not know the anatomy of a human girl?"

Damn those words sounded weirder out of my mouth than the time I asked what a trampoline tasted like.

I was five years old alright?

Jimin cocked his head to the side for a little bit before his face lit up. "Oh yeah! You human females don't have dicks do you? You have, what do you call it again? The vag-"

"STOP IT!" I screamed, chucking a nearby pillow on the couch beside me at the demon.

"So touchy," Jimin dodged the object. "It's just scientific facts."

"Oh my ghod," I groaned, squeezing my eyes shut.

Abruptly, a wave of masculine soap and almost like rain smell hit me and I jerked backward as the blue-haired demon was suddenly right in front of me, inches away from my face.

"We. Do. Not. Speak. The. Name. In. This. House."

"The name?" I squeaked, brain frying at the proximity of this alien-like creature before me.

"You know. The Name."

"I...oh wait, you mean Go-"

A hand clapped over my mouth to silence me. "We do not bless, speak the Name, or any heavenly shenanigans in this house, you got that Human?"

"Finejushgityerhunduhfme!" I grumbled against the palm against my mouth that was surprisingly cool rather than warm like a normal human.

Oh right. This guy wasn't even human.

Silly me.

Jimin seemed to pause, hand lingering on my mouth, eyes piercing right through me and making my insides twist. Just as I was considering licking the palm to get it off my mouth he finally abided and straightened up.

"When I pictured demons I never imagined them to be so...human," I mumbled, trying to shift away from Jimin on the couch discretely.

"Hey," Jimin scowled. "I'd prefer not to be compared with such low-borns like humans thank you very much." He paused. "But like, what do humans even think we look like?"

All sorts of gruesome art of bodies and grotesque faces with horns filled my head and I shuddered.

"Usually you guys are red, fiery, ugly, and with immense evil power."

"Like Santa Claus?"

I choked a little. "Wh-what?"

Jimin ran a hand through his hair. "The fat ugly dude in red with immense evil power such as stalking little kids and always seeing what they're up to even when they're asleep."

"Er, no..." my words drifted, still in surprise of how things just took a twist.

"I mean, if you really think about it, Santa is just 'Satan' but with the words rearranged."

It took me a moment to comprehend what Jimin had just said and when it clicked my eyes widened. "I do not need this right now," I mumbled under my breath. "I need to go home."

"Look, hyungs know usually what's up and I'm sure they'll figure out a way to send you back. You can trust Namjoon hyung, Hoseok hyung, and for the most part Yoongi hyung," Jimin exhaled.

The names all swirled into a jumble of mess in my head.

"Don't trust Jungkook or Taehyung, they'll probably accidentally combust you into a toad," Jimin continued. "As for Jin hyung, the only thing you can trust him is probably for food."

As if on cue my stomach let out a groan of frustration.

"Speaking of food," I cleared my throat. "Do you have some to spare right now?"

Jimin blinked slowly once. "Demons only have to eat once a month, you do know that right?"

I gaped. "What? Once a... humans eat at least twice a day! How the heck am I supposed to wait for a month?"

"I mean, we have some complimentary house plants to help your hunger," Jimin gestured to a few potted plants on a shelf in the parlor.

"What am I? A cow?" I bristled. "Do you have, like, bread? Apples? Cheese? Meat?"

Upon the word 'meat' Jimin immediately paled as if I'd just asked if he ate his own arm when he was hungry.

"No meat," Jimin stated. "Heck to the no. No. No. N.O."

"Holy sh-"

"AND NO HOLY WORDS!" Now Jimin was practically unhinged, beginning to jump up and down now.

"Alright! I'm sorry," I yelped, heart pounding as a strange blue-ish glow seemed to be emitting from Jimin now. "I had no clue demons were such vegetarians."

Did Jimin have some sort of traumatic memory regarding meat??

"What the hellhounds is Jimin shrieking down here for?" The orange-haired demon from earlier followed closely by Yoongi burst into the parlor. "It sounds like angels have come to take his soul."

"What soul?" Yoongi chuckled darkly.

Jimin, already calming down, exchanged looks with Hoseok.

"Anyways," Yoongi cleared his throat. "What really is going on here?"

"I just mentioned I was hungry and Jimin went bonkers on me," I said weakly.

"If she's hungry, for Hades' sakes just feed her Jimin rather than acting like she just violated you," Hoseok stated blankly.

Based on Jimin's reaction, I wouldn't be surprised if someone actually thought I violated him.

"We don't have anything ever since our last dinner," Jimin pointed out. "Jungkook and Taehyung ate the last of pudding last week."

"Then go buy some more," Yoongi snapped impatiently.

"But... I'll have to go to the store," Jimin whined.

"A little exercise won't kill you," Yoongi rolled his eyes.

"Hyung," Jimin pursed his lips a little. "A little demon who catches the scent of human will kill someone."

His words immediately sent a shiver down my spine.

"Hang on, a demon will kill me?" I gaped a little.

"If the wrong demon does catch whiff of you then yes," Hoseok replied solemnly.

"Then... and I'm not making any suggestions here, but then how the heck do I know you guys won't kill me?" I squeaked.

"Oh sweetie," a cold smirk crept up Jimin's mouth. "If we wanted to kill you, you'd already be long dead by now."

Pause.

"Okay cut the dramatic act Jimin you're not fooling anyone," Yoongi grouched.

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