Chapter 1 : New Beginning

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♡ Jessica Woods ♡

When I stuffed all the unwanted magazines and the cosmetics in a garbage bag, I rubbed the sweat off of my forehead.

Suddenly my eyes caught something which was very special to me in the past, laying on the floor abandonedly beside the cardboard boxes. I leaned down and grabbed it, shoving the dust away from it.

It was my.. diary.

A sad smile appeared on my face when I saw the year. 2018. Those four numbers still knew how to bring a smile on my face. No matter what, that was the unforgettable year of my life.

Two years ago, I was so dumb to realize that I could only be able to own the memories. Not the person.

I sat cross-legged on the floor and placed the diary on my lap and breathed deeply before opening it.

I slowly turned the first five pages of it as I saw my bucket list of the year, the books I read, the romantic movies I watched and my top 10 celebrity crushes.

No one would write these things in their diary when they were fifteen but I would because I was stupid.

I gulped audibly when I turned the first page of my rollercoaster ride.

11/01/2018

Today's the first day of my school and I'm so happy that my day started with him. He, Samuel Collins, the basketball captain of our school and my biggest crush eyed me from head to toe when I said him hello. Oh My God! Oh My God! I was in cloud nine at that moment. He checked me out.

I laughed at my old self. I was a dumbass at that time to understand he only checked me out as I was a piece of shit.

But he didn't reply anything because his friends surrounded him defensively, the minute I stepped closer to him as I was going to kill him or kidnap him. I rolled my eyes and backed away from them and made my way to my locker which was very far away from him. Screw my life.

He has a large circle of friends and a group of girls behind him like puppies and his friends too as popular as him.

Jace Parker who's his bestfriend, his basketball teammate and the head prefect of our school. Ryan Brown is his partner in crime and the President of our school student's parliament.

And the last but not the least, Natasha Taylor, his female friend and the girlfriend of Jace Parker (this information was collected by a rumour which I hardly believe it.) and she is our school nerd and that is the reason she got the title of beauty with talents. They all are one year elder than me except Natasha who's same age as me.

In the age of 15, I had enough reasons to be jealous of. I turned the next page and my smile vanished away.

23/01/2018

I thought this would be my happiest day in my life as I brought happiness to my parents on this day, fifteen years ago. Yes. Today's my birthday. I planned to confess my feelings to him today so during my lunch break I went to the canteen and searched the table where he and his friends used to sit at, but they were there, eating their food and talking something leisurely, except him.

I approached the table and gripped the card tightly I've been holding on, in nervous. Jace found I was coming towards them and whispered something to his friends which made them to look at me. This is the reason why I want to kill Jace.

"Hey!" I chirped and Ryan waved at me while Jace nodding at me and Natasha giving me a tight lipped smile.

"So.. where's Sam? I mean, Samuel?" I asked and Natasha looked at Jace and then back at me.

How could someone look pretty even in their glasses on? I complimented Ryan. Not Natasha.

I laughed at my fifteen years stupid self as I always had some jealousy on Natasha for being a sexy nerdy.

"Why?" Jace asked sternly.

"Uhm.. well, today's my birthday-"

"Happy Birthday sweetie!" Ryan pulled down his spectacles a little and winked at me which made me blush. Jace glared at him before turning his gaze towards me.

"Th-Thankyou Ryan." I said and dug my skirt pocket and extended the Hershey's kiss towards him. "Here."

He chuckled, grabbing it and mumbled something like 'I'm hundred percentage sure this isn't as sweet as you.' before unwrapping it and popping it in his mouth.

Natasha rolled her eyes and resumed eating her noodles and I didn't miss to notice her stealing a french fries from Jace's plate. Friendship goals, I guess.

"Happy birthday girl." Jace stated drly and I resisted the urge of frowning.

"Thankyou lad." I retorted and his jaw clenched but he unclenched it when I slammed another Hershey's kiss on his plate and glared at Natasha who's glaring at me back for no reason.

"Give respect and take kiss." I stated, but felt bad for not giving a Hershey's kiss to her but didn't care at the moment as I turned on my heel and made my way to my table but out of the blue, my head collided with the wall hardly.

Wait, the wall doesn't wear shirt and doesn't smell this good right?

I looked up and saw Samuel towering over me and his eyes were bored into mine.

I stepped back and swallowed the lump in my throat. "I, um, I'm sorry."

He nodded and about to walk away but frowned at me when I blocked his way extending my hands.

"Don't be clumsy." he hissed, looking around.

"I want to talk to you." I blurted out, dropping my hands to my sides.

"What?" He asked, tilting his head slighlty and tucking his hands in his pant pockets.

He's gorgeous.

"Here." I extended the card and the Hershey's kiss towards him and he glanced at them and then at me in confusion.

"What are these for?" he asked and I averted my gaze from his lips and spoke hesitantly. "Today is.. uhm, my birthday."

"Happy birthday, but I don't want these stuffs." he told hastily and walked past me before I could say anything.

I knew how much I cried after this incident. I hate rejections.

I turned some pages as I've written only some stupid things. Like he made an eye contact with me for 0.002 seconds, he patted my shoulder and ordered me to find Natasha which I gratefully agreed and he walked past me shoving my arm and made me drop all of my books I was holding on and left without apologizing.

I was the dumbest person in the world because at that time I thought he did that only to get my attention.

09/05/2018

Finally I mustered up the courage I had and entered the basketball court restroom sneakily after the last period's bell rang. I found his bag and immediately unzipped it and put the card in his bag which I've been trying to give him since my birthday.

I wanted to see his reaction while he was looking at this but he mostly ignored me the last five months that's why I decided to execute this plan B. Let's see what happens! Hope for the best!

I was scared to turn the next page as I knew the consequences of my idiotic plan but eventually I turned the page and the blue inked letters were smudged here and there and I knew, it was because I was crying while I was writing this.

10/05/2018

In the morning I made my way to my locker, expecting Sarah waiting for my arrival, who is my best friend but much to my surprise Samuel was leaning on my locker and gripping my card harshly. I mentally fist pumped before approaching him.

His friends were standing a few feet away from him and some people were gossiping about the latest hot news as usual, blocking the hallway. His eyes met mine and his jaw clenched. This wasn't the reaction I expected. He kept long strides towards me and groaned, gesturing to the card.

"What's this?" I winced by his tone.

"A c-card." I stammered.

"I know that. How the hell it came inside my bag?" he gritted his teeth and I sighed.

"I kept it."

His glare deepened and if looks could kill, I would be dead right now. "How dare you touch my bag-"

"Did you read it?" I asked instead.

"Don't cut off me." he hissed and I flinched by his words. I really dumbfounded right now and didn't know how to reply.

He gripped my wrist and slammed my card on my palm. "I read it and you've written some stupid stuffs which made me insane." he tucked his hand in his pocket and my body shivered by his touch more than his words.

"How could you write 'Sam, I like you and want to spend the rest of my life with you and blah blah blah.' " he scoffed, waving his hands in the air and I tried my best to hold my tears as everyone's eyes in the hallway were on us.

"I-I really like you and-"

"Everyone likes me and I know that. That blonde." he pointed to a blonde girl across us. "That tan one." he pointed the another one who was blushing when she realized she was the one he was pointing at.

"Everyone. I mean everyone likes me." he emphasized each and every word. "But they don't do like what you did. Maybe they have some other needs instead of spending the rest of their lives with me as you said." he titled his head at the the tan skin girl and winked at her which deepened her blush.

"And.." he eyed me from head to toe in disgust. "Your needs are as weird as you." which made some girls to giggle. I blinked twice as tears began to blur my vision and I looked down at the card in embarrassment.

As he started to walk past me, I cleared my throat. "Wait!"

He stopped in his tracks and turned around. "What?"

"How do you know that I'm the one who wrote this card? because I've not written my name here." I waved my card in front of his face and he crossed his arms over his chest.

"You're the one who does clumsy things like this to get my attention. Everyone knows that." he scoffed.

"Everyone including you know that I like you. And why the hell you're ignoring that fact?" I asked, keeping a step forward him but instantly regretted my words and my action.

"Because I don't want an annoying girl to like me. I don't even know your name properly, girl. I have so many things to deal with, so it would be good if you keep your feelings with yourself okay?" he sounded a bit calm but his words really hurt me like hell.

I bit my lip and without uttering any other word I dashed into the girl's bathroom, avoiding the curious eyes and the whispers of students. I dropped my bag outside of the bathroom and shut the door when I found an empty bathroom. I sat on the toilet seat and buried my face in my hands and cried till my throat aches.

I skipped the first period and left the school in half day, lying that I have a serious cold as I didn't have the courage to face the embarrassment for the rest of the day. Later I tore the card into pieces and burnt it with a lighter which eased my anger and hurt a little.

I sighed loudly closing the diary and laid on the floor staring at the white ceiling. I didn't need to read till the end to know what happened after.

He mocked me, he humiliated me and he bullied me for liking him as if I were some kind of unattractive alien. In his perception 'like' means losing virginity but I didn't want to do that in that young age and he never asked me to have sex with him either. But whenever he finds me, he does anything to humiliate me in front of everyone which made me regret a little for letting him affect me in the very first place.

Then, I broke up with Sarah who was my bestfriend two years ago and my ex-bestfriend now, because she betrayed me by losing her virginity to Samuel. Yes. Samuel Collins.

She knew that I loved him crazily but it didn't stop her from losing her virginity to him intentionally at some party in the age of fifteen which still makes me cringe. Later, I found that she too had a crush on him before and after a few days of the party, they both dated for a couple of months which was the reason for the scar in my wrist. I was still thanking God for making the stupid decision go wrong or else I'd be six feet under right now.

She didn't seem to be affected by the break up of our friendship because she was too busy being in a relationship with Samuel.

At that moment, I had no one by my side and I emotionally broke down which changed my life into hell.

I wiped the tear that rolled down from the corner of my eye and sat up properly.

Now, after two long years, my life has changed far better than before and I was so glad that I recovered quickly than I expected. And all the credits must go to the fictional characters of my favourite novels. Novel, Netflix, Nail Art and Needlework are the four things that made me feel better and that's the definition of 4Ns I've written in my diary.

I knew I wasn't like the other girls and it wouldn't surprise anyone that I was still single, virgin and waiting for the correct person to steal my heart and my first kiss as well.

Sometimes I did think that seventeen years were a bit old to wait for the first kiss as my thirteen years old little brother was already in a relationship. But at the same I was so proud of myself for being unique.

I stopped writing diary as I didn't want to and I focused on my studies as I got low grades continuously in the last two years. I joined in the chess club two months ago and forced to apply for the senior prefectship by my class teacher and got selected last month which made my parents happy and made me sad and shock at the same time. They barely knew about Samuel but they didn't bother to ask what happened which I felt relieved somewhat.

Jace Parker was the head prefect of our school and I don't think I could deal with him when he was the bestfriend of that Jerk.

I've got a new bestfriend, Louise Adley, eight months ago who took pity on me and been on my side when no one was there. I accepted her into my life as I thought it was better than nothing at all.

Everything has changed when I started to ignore him the way he did. My ignorance didn't affect him that much as he was too busy in flirting with the hot girls and being a cupid for Natasha and Jace.

But I would give him another chance if he wanted because it was so hard to forget him when he gave me so much to remember. I was fooling myself pretending like I hate him from bottom of my heart but I doubt I would ever hate him.

2018 diary's quote of the year.

Once my crush, always my crush.

2019 diary's quote of the year.

Once a man-whore, always a man-whore.

I hoped my new school year would be a new beginning of my life and would make a good ending in my life.

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