For my whole life, my brother's friends have always been a huge part of my life. It felt like I had an even bigger family than I already did.

I have an older sister, Ashley who had moved away. My older brother, Keith, who quite frankly deserves the world (and also has the best choice in friends). And my younger brother, Dylan, who I never really see even though he lives at home with me.

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A few years ago, my older brother and his friends all headed off to colleges all over the country. I never realized how important they were to me until they did this.

Every time my brother would come home, a part of me wished I would see them. I never did.

It hurt but eventually I stopped thinking of them... well all but one.

Before they went off to college, I developed this annoyingly obsessive crush on one of my brother's friend. His name was Justin. He was always very sweet to me and after they would smoke, he would practically beg me to make him cookies.

Apparently my hormones had it out for me, because I kept this crush for 4 years.

It was off and on, but when it was on, I would've bet my life that I was in love with him.

He was the guy I wanted. He was rebellious, smart, and cute.  He was about 5'8 but that was tall to me because I am 5'3. He had a dirty-blonde hair color, nice muscles, and pretty brown eyes.

Two summers after I had developed feelings for him, I heard my brother mention he had a girlfriend. However, it didn't break my heart like I thought it should've.

Instead, I felt relief. It made me feel like maybe I could finally move on. After all, I wasn't going to be seeing him anytime soon.

Months pass by, that turn into another year, and all of which, I never saw him.

It made me feel crazy because my best friend at the time would run into him everywhere.

I tried to tell myself to stop feeling for him— to lose hope, but I just couldn't let go of him.

Anytime something bad would happen, I would internally beg to see him. I would pray that somehow this man who probably forgot about my existence, would come to me.

Ridiculous, I know.

After not seeing him for exactly three years, my dad got very sick. I wanted Justin to come just help me cope and tell me everything would be okay. But big surprise, nothing happened.

Thankfully my father got better, but my heart was still torn.

I wanted to like him, hell at this point I wanted to hate him.  But deep down, I knew this could never work out.

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At this point, I had realized that none of my brother's other friends would be my type, Andrew was a dull, boring pothead. I tried to understand why he always ignored me, but I haven't found my answer yet.

The summer before they left, he would always come find me and tell me hellos or goodbyes. Then that Christmas break, I surprisingly saw him, and he gave me the most awkward hug and then completely ignored me.

I tried to understand why but I couldn't. I still don't know why.

It broke my heart because he was like a brother to me. Part of me thinks he's in love with me or something, but that can't be it. If you're in love with somebody wouldn't you want to be nice to them and give them attention?

There was Ryan who would never be my type, ever. He was kind of nerdy and I was never physically attracted to him. Then there was Colin who was also not my type. He was very similar to Ryan in behaviors.

And then there was Dean. Heartbreaker, rebellious, surprisingly smart, and I can't lie, once he went off to college he really grew into his looks.

He has slightly long brown fluffy hair that has slight curls to it, brown eyes that look like pools of honey, and he is 6'4. On top of everything, he has an extremely athletic build. He has an eight-pack and toned muscular body. Though, I wasn't surprised at this being that he plays college football.

I had a little crush on Dean when I liked Justin, but it never went anywhere. I always came back to Justin.

Nevertheless, I would strangely have more dreams about Dean than I would Justin. It would be dreams of Dean calling me sexy or such things. I shouldn't have liked it... but I did.

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Once I remembered all of the dreams I had really had of Dean, I thought it was weird considering I was "in love with" Justin.

I shouldn't like that. I shouldn't like him calling me sexy. But I did. I really did.

This summer, my hopes had slightly disappeared for Justin and I. On the bright side, I was finally able to focus on myself.

I also realized that Justin wasn't all that. I had just fallen in love with the idea of him.

I was about to finish college (4 years early), because I am an over-achiever. This is my coping mechanism to deal with the loneliness I have.

I had friends but it always felt like I had to be the first to reach out. During this time, I didn't hesitate because I knew I needed companions.

It was also fun because I could talk to them about Justin and how great he was. I would talk about how pretty his blonde hair sparkled in the sun or how nice his brown eyes were.

However, I knew that if I didn't reach out to my friends, I would probably never hear from them again. It hurt me because they were more important in my life, than I was in theirs.

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While driving in town one day, I passed a truck and for some reason I had to rubberneck because that guy looked exactly like Dean. He also rubbernecked which made me feel good.

I thought it was just a coincidence. Even if I did see Dean, it doesn't mean anything to me.

Well, except when the exact same thing happened two more times on different roads within the same week.

I told my mom about how weird it was that I was seeing him pass by on the road by his house and a few other roads. It was so random, well at least I thought it was.

I asked my brother if he drove a black Ford F-250, and sure enough he did. So it was definitely him.

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I had tried to stay off social media because it was always making me feel insecure. However I had recently downloaded it again just to keep up with old friends.

That's when Dean posted a picture. And everything changed.

Shirtless, on the football field. With abs. Very nice, tan abs. Tall. Most gorgeous person I had ever seen.

What is happening to me?!

I hated that I started to like him because he had unfollowed my brother and I on Instagram earlier this year.

I didn't care at the time because I didn't care about him (unless we are counting the dreams I had about him).

However, it still pissed me off that he had ever unfollowed me in the first place. It hurt me that he could just throw me away like that.

I made excuses like "I never post" or "maybe he just thought my account was abandoned".

Knowing all of this, I didn't like this picture. I didn't want him to get the satisfaction of knowing I liked the picture. He didn't deserve my like.

But that's when I did something far worse.

About five days later, I was on FaceTime with another one-sided relationship friend.

I was telling her about Dean and the photo. She wasn't a big fan of his just because I had told her he was a player when he was younger and quite honestly a douchebag.

I got the bright idea to go and like one of his old pictures. We thought it would be funny. Well, it would've been except the photo I chose was him shirtless practicing football. So I had no excuse if he ever asked me why I liked his photo.

"Damn he looks good shirtless" I thought to myself.

What had I done?! I knew my family would kill me for even thinking about Dean. He was a player and that's all he would ever be.

That's what it kept telling myself at least.

He is a player. He is just going to use you for sex. He'll go tell all of his friends about it.

And while I believed it, I also couldn't help but still want him.

He had already left for college because it was the end of his summer break, and I felt deja vu. This had happened before— me liking a guy then never getting to see him.

But this time, I was going to try to see him. I was going to do everything in my power to see him, unlike what I did for Justin.
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Edit: I originally had a different photo but I wanted it to be faceless so you could imagine whoever you wanted since I don't have an exact face for Dean.

I hope y'all enjoyed the first chapter!! Please vote and comment<3