"If you want to fly in the sky, you need to leave the earth. If you want to move forward, you need to let go the past that drags you down." –Amit Ray

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KIM

Will I ever be like you?This mature,caring and responsible?I am not an adult.I still feel like I'm just a child who needs her parents by her side.I need you to tell me that everything is going to be fine again.

I need you to stay by my side at night when I can't fall asleep.

I need your support when I feel like giving up.

I need you to be there when I'm marrying my future husband.When I'm giving birth.

I want you to be there with me

"Kim?"

"Kim look at me"

I look over at my mom and I can barely see her.My eyes are watery and everything is blurry.The doctor already left the room.

I don't know how many time has left,is it like a year?A month?A week?

She pats the bed next to her and I lay down next to her.Feeling her warmth next to me gives me so much happiness and relief.I want her to be my side for eternity.I slowly drifted to sleep pushing aside all my worries.

The only sound that woke me up is my phone ringing.I turn to my side and see Sadie calling me.I look over to my other side and see my mom sleeping.I get out of the bed as slowly and quietly as I could and walk out of the room.

"Hey."

"Hey Kim.Where are you?" She asked worried and now I regret not saying anything to anyone.

"I'm sorry I haven't called,my mom had a heart attack and I'm back in Virginia." I say and and I hear her gasping.

"Oh my god.I'm so sorry I hope she is feeling better now." She says and I tell her everything.I told her to inform Mr.Collins as well because I really don't want to talk to him.

I walk back to the room after ending the call with her and I decide to take a walk while she is asleep.I clear my head I mean I try to clear my head as I'm walking in the park.Birds chirping and the fresh air calms
me down.I might buy her ice cream,yes ice cream,she always told me to buy her a carton of ice cream after school.

I walk back to the hospital with a smile on my face and a second later someone rushes past me almost pushing me.I look over to my side as I see 4 nurses rushing somewhere in a hurry and I furrow my eyebrows.

"Hurry up! Room 202" I hear and look around,room 202 echoing in my ears.Room 202? That's my mother's room!

I quickly follow them running with them and my heart is beating 2 times quicker.We reach her room and they tell me to stay outside.I look through the window with my fingers and legs tumbling.

I gasp when I see a doctor giving her a CPR.They close the old curtains and I fall down on my knees.Please don't tell me it's happening.Please don't tell me my mom is dying,already.

An hour passed and still nothing.I'm sitting outside biting my nails off and I can't imagine what's going on inside.

Did she have another heart attack?Is it really over?

My thoughts got interrupted when someone finally opened the door and walked outside.I wipe my tears away standing up.

"How-" I start as I see them pulling her out on the bed.Her whole body is covered and I feel like everything is happening in slow motion.

"I'm so sorry." I hear voices around me and I feel myself getting dizzy.

"We couldn't help her"

"We lost her"

...

I try to open my eyes but it's like they are stuck.Do I actually want to open them?Do I want to face reality?I don't know if I'm ready for it.

"You're awake!" I hear and slowly open my eyes.It's Sadie.I look around and I'm laying on a bed in the emergency room.

"What happened?" I asked confused and rubbed my eyes.

"You passed out.You've been asleep for almost 6 hours now." I hear and I widen my eyes.So it means my mother isn't with us anymore.

Maybe I deserve this,I deserve the pain I'm feeling right now.She was always such a wonderful person and she taught me a lot,I was always impressed how smart and intelligent she was.She had that personality that people admire.The only thing I wanted in this life is her to be happy.To at least enjoy her life beside being sick.

I never thought about her having any problems,having hard times.When I called her she always told me she was happy,that they were happy.That I had nothing to worry about.Moving to Washington DC was a big step for me.New opportunities,new chances and changes.I needed the change in my life.

But what happened to my mom?She couldn't enjoy her remaining years.She was always at home because she could hardly get out of the bed.I still don't know where my dad is or what happened between them.I am worried that he might hurt himself or anything worse could happen to him.

I was supposed to stay by her side,at least until she felt better.I was supposed to take care of her.

...

I'm currently sitting in my car driving back to Washington.I try to reach my dad but no answer,it's always voicemail.Sadie helped me a lot and supported me emotionally.I really needed that.

When we finally arrived I walked up to my apartment and locked the door.I need rest,like a week of sleeping.I need to comprehend everything that had happened in the last few days.I need to perceive the fact that I lost my mother.

Instead of a good sleep I decided to do something to kill time.The first thing that came to mind is obviously drinking.I know drinking is the worst way to erase pain but I need to get loose.

I put on a a pretty dress which was a bit revealing but I don't actually care.After doing my makeup I locked the door and went to my car.I know a small bar which is like 10 minutes away.I've been there once and I absolutely loved the atmosphere.

When I finally arrived I walked inside and the smell of alcohol immediately hit my nose.Without thinking of the consequences I sat down in front of the bartender and watched him as he was pouring something in a glass.

"Good evening what can I get you?"

"Do you have Spirytus vodka?" I asked and he nodded.I decided to drink something strong.I've heard this vodka has 95% alcohol in it so I won't drink that much,maybe just a few sips.

The bartender took the bottle out and poured it into a shot glass,he smiled as he handed it to me.

"Death in a bottle with a hellish burning aftertaste."

I turn around to watch the little show that was in the centre.This bar wasn't big but still there were people dancing on each other,eating each other's faces.I rolled my eyes at them and took the first sip.As the liquid went down on my throat I immediately started coughing,holy shit my throat is on fire.

I drank my first shot and asked for a refill.At the next sip my eyesight started becoming blurry and as I look around I felt like the whole bar was moving.

I excused myself even though no one was there and walked to the restroom.Trembling through the way I walked in a toilet and my hands reached into my pocket.I leaned back on the wall and called Mr.Collins.Why did I do it?No fucking clue,my brain wasn't working and my hands moved by themselves.

"Hello?" I heard his voice after a few days and I smiled to myself.Somehow his voice could either calm me down or make me nervous as hell.

"Hey.. boss" I say and giggle at myself.I never called him boss before.

"How are you holding up?I heard-" He says with a worried voice but I cut him off.

"Since when are you so interested in my life?" I scoffed because he is a jerk.

"What?What are you talking about?Of course I am interested.Do you want to talk about it?" He asked and I had to let out a loud laugh.He never showed me this side of his and it just sounds hilarious through the phone.

"Ah sorry,I just can't take you seriously now." I say and run a finger through my hair.

"Are you okay?Where are you?" He asked and I rolled my eyes.Why did he become so worried and interested in where am I and what I'm doing?!

"Actually I'm not okay Chris,I'm suffering but I don't even want to bother you.Go back to what you were doing,maybe fuck another girl.I mean you are good at that right?"

A few seconds of silence came but it didn't bother me.I didn't even realize that I called him Chris but maybe he didn't either.I spoke the truth,I am so done with him,he thinks he can fuck with me,with my feelings while there are other girls in sight.

"Where the fuck are you?I'm not asking again!" I heard finally and he had anger in his voice.I bit my lip because somehow his intimidating voice turned me on.

"Ohm,I don't actually remember the name of the bar but it has the strongest vodka and it's only like 10 minutes away from my house." I slurred and I heard him picking up a key and the call ended.It took me a few minutes to realize that he ended the call.

I walk out of the restroom and chugged down another shot of vodka and I almost threw up as the burning aftertaste hit me.

I look around and see people literally having sex,or am I just imagining it?But they are surely grinding on each other.

Fuck I gotta get laid.