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Part – 44

"I Am Hurt, I Am Alone, I Am Depressed, I Cry Myself To Sleep, I Hate Myself All Because Of You. But I Hope You Are Doing Okay Because I Love You."

(Mithra's POV)

"Mithra..." I hear Sanjeev's voice so I look up at him. I am waiting outside the ER for the Doctors to come out & declare that my Karthik is well and good. He has been taken in for quite some time now.

He fell unconscious while I brought him here, which scares me more. I just wish the doctors come out soon & put an end to my wait & let me see my Karthik.

"Sanjeev" I throw myself at him & hug him tightly as I start sobbing.

"Hey! Stop crying, Mithra... And tell me what's happened? You didn't tell me what's wrong when you called me & even now you are crying... you are scaring me" he says as he ruffles my hair to soothe me but I couldn't stop crying.

"It's Karthik..." I couldn't bring the words.

"What the hell has happened to him? What did you do to him?" he accuses me as he holds me at arm's length.

"He came home really tensed & stressed out. He didn't bother to freshen up but kept working... he didn't even talk much to me but I..." I start to tell about our unsettling conversation to Sanjeev but he didn't let me finish.

"Yeah, I know... he lost two f**king deals which cost him high... so he must be really tensed over that issue" Oh! This is news to me! Why the hell Karthik didn't tell me anything about this?

"I didn't know" I whisper.

"He didn't want to make you worry" he says casually knowing Karthik's nature well. He shares only his happiness but bury all his worries within himself. I hate that quality about him.

"So what the doctor's said?"

"I don't know... they are not telling me anything... I am so scared, Sanjeev" I start crying again clinging to him.

"Hey! Be strong. He will be fine" Sanjeevs drapes his arm around my shoulders & leads me to the waiting room.

"Did you inform his parents & yours?" Sanjeev asks as he sits next to me.

"No, Karthik told me to inform you first..." I couldn't speak as a huge lump forms in my throat and I feel breathless.

"Okay, I will inform them." he says taking my hand in his. I nod.

"Shit. You are freezing" Sanjeev rubs my palm with his to give some warmth but nothing works. I am so cold. I am so scared. I need my Karthik.

~~0~~

"Was my baby in so much pain?" Radha aunty asks me crying. Our families have arrived ten minutes back to the hospital. They all are probing me to tell them what exactly has happened to Karthik but I couldn't tell them without choking up so Sanjeev comes to my rescue & patiently answers to all their questions.

"Yes" I just nod. I know he was in pain though he didn't show it out much. It must be severe that's why he went unconscious & that's my major concern.

"I am sorry, aunty" I whisper. She turns & looks at me, puzzled. "I am no good for your son" I tell, feeling ashamed of myself. "I couldn't look after him well. I failed as a wife. He is here because of me."

"I told him not to worry too much about you but he didn't listen to me... and see where it brought him to?" Mohan uncle takes the chance to taunt me.

"Mohan!" Radha aunty shakes her head silently reminding him that this is not the place or time to accuse or argue. Mohan uncles stare at her for a minute before walking away & my dad follows him. I can say from their looks that they both are mad at me. Hell! I am mad at myself.

~~0~~

After what felt like an eternity, the Doctors emerge out of the ER. I stagger at my feet as the room momentarily spins. I clutch Sanjeev's arm to steady myself.

"You okay?" Sanjeev asks me concerned. I nod & we walk to the Doctors.

"How is Karthik... my husband?" I ask frantically.

"Relax Mrs. Karthik. He is doing well so you don't worry." A young lady doctor says in a calming tone.

"Is he awake?" I ask. I want to see him. I want to apologize to him.

"No. He had a severe angina..." She says. I frown not understanding her terminology.

"Um... severe chest pain..." She amends. "...so he fainted when you brought him here but later he gained partial consciousness & he was calling for one Mithra... I suppose it's you." She says, smiling. I nod. "... but then we have sedated him as he needs rest. He is so stressed."

I don't know what to say or to ask. I feel short of breathe and my vision is getting blurry. I should not faint. I should not faint. I repeat that line in my head. I am grateful that Sanjeev is holding me or else I would have fallen down by now.

"So what's the prognosis?" Sanjeev asks. I see Radha aunty crying silently & Mohan uncle has his hand around her shoulders holding her securely to him.

"You are his?" The lady doctor asks Sanjeev.

"My brother. My husband's best friend" I answer without any hesitance. I never had a brother of my own but Sanjeev fills in the place.

"Oh! Well... We need to go for angiogram as we suspect he might be suffering a coronary heart disease..."

"What? Heart disease? He is only 33 yrs old?" Mohan uncle says, astonished. He finds it hard to accept his son might be suffering heart problems at this young age.

"Age is not a criterion for getting heart problems, Sir. Even small kids do get CHD, CAD problems." The doctor says in a calm professional tone.

She knows her job well, I guess. Initially I was worried when I saw her testing my husband as she looks so young & inexperienced but now I am confident about her. I trust her to be the best person to cure my husband.

I blink my eyes to read her name from her I-card. Dr. Naira Sharma.

"Does he drink?" Naira asks.

"On occasions! He is a social drinker." I say softly.

"I see. Any other habits like smoking..."

"No no... Nothing like that. He is an anti smoker & he has no other habits that are harmful to health."

"Does he do rigorous workout?" She is fishing for clues.

Karthik do workouts but just to keep him fit but nothing rigorous.

"When he is upset, frustrated or highly stressed he performs rigorous workout. He treads pretty fast. Lift weights till it aches..." Sanjeev says.

Guess, Sanjeev knows his friend too well.

So my Karthik takes out his anger and frustration on the exercising equipments? I never knew that.

"Well that says a lot for his sudden angina. Angina is mostly triggered to a person by exercise, excitement or emotional distress." She briefs. Emotional distress? Yeah right.

"We will find more about his health condition from the tests." She says.

"When will you be doing the angiogram?" I ask.

"We have scheduled tomorrow morning for him."

"Oh! Okay" I nod.

"Can I see my son, now?" Radha aunty asks, hopefully. She is aching to see her beloved son. She hasn't stopped crying ever since she has arrived to the hospital. I have never seen her like this before. She is such a strong lady... But now? Well, I do know her son means the world to her and to see him in pain, it really hurts her.

"Sure. We will be shifting him to the ICU & from there you can see but one at a time" She instructs. Radha aunty thanks her gratefully.

"Thanks, Doctor." I mutter weakly. I am totally drained with all the crying.

~~0~~

"You go sit with him. He will wish to see you first when he comes awake." Radha aunty says. I let her see her son first because I know as a mother she has more right on him than me.

She went in & was with him for nearly 15 minutes while I anxiously waited for her to come out and let go and see him.

"You see him & come out quickly." Mohan uncle says. I frown not liking the tone he is taking on me. "Then you go home with your parents." He orders me, rudely.

"I am not going anywhere leaving my Karthik alone here." I retort. See, I might be the reason for Karthik's health issues but I know he needs me & I know he loves me despite of me being a headache to him.

"We are here for him, his parents"

"I am his wife & I will take care of him." I argue.

"I can see how nicely you have taken care of him" he smirks at me, sarcastically.

What's wrong with him? Why is he demonizing me? I am already hurt and upset over the happenings and he is adding more to it by being mean to me.

"You don't say that, please." I say acidly & turn my face irately.

Even he is one of the reasons for why Karthik is now in this condition. He made my Karthik work like a maniac. I am sure he would have upset him by seething on him for losing the two big deals.

"Mithra, this is not how you talk with your father in law" my mom scolds me. I know even Karthik will not appreciate my tone but I don't care. I want to stay with him.

"Mohan let her stay here." Radha aunty calmly says. Mohan uncle glares her. "You go see him & come soon. We will go home & come by morning."

I actually like mother in law more... more than my own parents. They didn't even bother to console me but only blame me. Everyone hates me! I feel like crying. I want my Karthik.

"You look tired. You need rest too, dear." Radha aunty says caressing my head. I hug her tight & fight back my tears.

"He will be fine." She says softly. I nod.

Later when they left, I ask Sanjeev to leave too as he has a family who will want him.

"No! I am not leaving my Karthik." He uses the same tone I used to my father-in-law. Shit! He is being possessive.

"Doh!"

"Come on. Karthik will kill me if he finds out that I left his dear wife alone in the hospital." He says. I know that's true. Karthik will get upset for that too.

"Thanks for being here for me, Sanjeev" I tell feeing grateful I have him in my life.

"Nah! Not for you. I am here for my Karthik" he emphasizes the word 'My'. I want to argue with him that he is MY Karthik but I am too tired to do that so I let him go for this one time.

"You wait here. I will go get something for you to eat." He says softly.

"No. I don't want anything. I am not hungry." I say & turn my head to the ICU where my love is lying.

"God! Don't be stubborn. I am not as patient as Karthik to coax you and feed."

"I didn't ask you to coax me or plead me or beg me to eat. No means no."

"At least some coffee or tea?" He is trying his luck.

"Tea" I reluctantly agree slightly feeling hungry. I made Karthik's favorite dal, roti & chicken but before we could eat our dinner all this happened.

~~0~~

I am sitting on a chair beside Karthik's bed, holding his hand firmly with both my hands. His hand is warmer now. I kiss his hand & place it beneath my cheek as I look at his sleeping form. His slow rise & fall of his chest assures me that he is still with me. Thank God for that.

"I am sorry, Karthik. Please get well soon & come back to me. I feel so lonely." I whisper as I silently cry.

Later, a nurse comes to his side & takes his oxygen mask off. I don't know for how long I have been sitting like this & staring at him. I have completely lost track on time.

"How is he?" I ask the nurse.

"His blood pressure was high when you brought him here but now it's stable. His breathing is even too so I was instructed to remove his mask now"

"I see. Thank you." I say with a weak smile.

"Ma'am, why don't you rest too?" The nurse suggests.

"It's okay. I am fine" I tell wiping my face with my palms to get rid of the tiredness. She nods & walks out of the room.

After a while, I feel Karthik stirring and struggling to open his eyes. I stand up from my chair & caress his cheek. "Karthik..." I call his name in a kitten soft voice.

He opens his eyes & blinks twice to adjust with the light.

"Karthik... How are you?" I ask.

"Better" his voice cracks.

"Do you have chest pain now?"

He shakes his head in 'No' & that's a huge relief for me. Thank God! I mutter quick thanks to the Almighty for bring back my life.

"Karthik, I am sorry. It was so stupid of me to ask divorce to you. I didn't realize how deeply it would affect you. It's all because of me. I am responsible for the pain you are in now... I am sorry... Please don't hate me... I... I..."

"Shush..." He shushes me and mouth's something which I couldn't catch.

"What?" I ask as I lean closer to him to hear him properly.

"Shut up!" He says weakly.

"Okay. I am sorry. I won't disturb you. I will leave you to rest." I say & turn to walk out of his room so that he can sleep peacefully but he holds my hand stopping me from moving.

"I said to shut up... Not to leave the room" he breathes. He takes my hand & places it over his chest. I could feel his prickly chest hair beneath my palm.

"Don't leave me... Ever!" He whispers. It's almost a plea.

"I won't." I promise. "I love you." I tell him. He just looks at me but doesn't reply me back. I know he is mad at me. I can tell that from the look he gives me.

"Sit" He says. I sit on the edge of his bed. He is still having my palm over his chest. I softly caress his chest, hoping all his pain will go away.

"You sleep" I tell him.

"I know" He says rather rudely.

I try to take my hand from his hold but he tightens his grip.

"Is Sanjeev with you?" He asks after a long pause.

"He is in the waiting room. Shall I call him?"

"You go home with him." He says.

"No. I am not leaving you."

"Just do as I say, Mithra. You look awful" he sighs.

"I am awful only. I am an awful wife... I am ..."

"Don't start again... you better keep your big mouth shut."

I press my trembling lips together as I fight back my tears.

"So?" He asks. I frown.

"What did the good doctor say?" He asks. "About my health" he adds.

"Nothing" I say. I don't know whether I should or shouldn't tell him.

He sighs loudly. "Just f**king tell me without irritating me."

"She said you had chest pain... But it's not as severe as a heart attack but still they want to do an angiogram to see whether any plague or blockage in the heart blood vessels." I feel a lump forming deep in my throat making me choke to speak any further. I quickly wipe the lone tear that peeps out of my left eye and rolls down my cheek.

"I see." He says his expression impassive.

Then we remain in complete silence for a while gazing at each other with eyes full of love and pain.

"I am fine. You go home" He insists again. I shake my head in no.

"Stubborn as ever" He mutters & gives in. Then he goes back to sleep again and I resume my position on the chair, resting my head on the bed. I feel bone tired.

~~0~~

"What is that?" Karthik asks seeing the bowl in my hand.

"Porridge"

"Eewww" he makes a face. "I don't want that"

"It's good for health."

"I am not having that."

"Yes. You are. You didn't eat anything since morning so you are having this & you don't have a choice" he was taken to coronary angiogram test so he was asked not to eat anything till the test gets over & after that he was drowsy due to the sedatives they had given him & only a short while ago the cloud has got cleared for him.

"I am not saying I won't eat at all. I am just saying I won't eat that shit"

"Don't behave like a kid, Karthik" I sigh. Is this how he feels whenever I throw a tantrum at him? So frustrated? But he has never complained about it. And that proves he has more patience than I do.

"Eat" I say firmly & take a spoon full of porridge close to his mouth.

"I can eat on my own" he turns his face.

"Okay" have your way. I place the spoon back in the bowl & push the tray closer to him so that he can eat all by himself.

"You didn't tell me that my doctor was a lady and she was so young & pretty?" Karthik pokes me with his words.

"Why?" I ask frowning.

"She has a nice name too. Naira? I like it" he smiles at me too sweetly for my liking.

"Uff! Nisha. Naira. All are my 'N'emies" I growl at him. He smirks & shakes his head.

"Do you think I need a shave?" he asks.

"Why?"

"Because Dr. Naira will come for rounds this evening, right?" he winks. How dare he? Talking about other woman to me, to his wife? "... So I can impress her" he adds. Shit! He is teasing me. Stay calm & play along, Mithra.

"No need for all that, Karthik. Just flash your trade mark smile & she will swoon all over you" I say batting my eyelashes and smiling..

"So do you think I can win her heart with my charm?" he asks. I know what he is doing. He is taking revenge on me for asking him to divorce me. Serves you right, Mithra!

"Sure, why not?" I smile weakly & quickly start to walk out.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

To hell!

"To the pharmacy. To get your meds." I reply without looking at him.

"Okay"

When I head towards the door I find Radha aunty standing there. When she came? Was she listening to our ridiculous talk?

"Aunty, make sure he eats fully." I murmur to her & hastily make my way out.

"Shit! I forgot my purse." I mutter to myself & walk back but stood still on my place when I hear them talking. Yeah, eavesdropping is wrong but my mom in law just did that so I think even I can do that for once.

"Why were you irking your wife by talking to her about the lady doctor?" Radha aunty asks, obviously sounding pissed.

"I was just teasing her, mom" he grins sheepishly.

Yeah! Yeah! You got me there, husband.

"Give me" she asks for the spoon & he lets her feed him. But he didn't let me feed him? How rude!

"What's wrong?" Radha aunty asks. She has picked the clue that something is worrying my husband.

"I am scared, mom" Oh my! My heart clenches in pain. I want to hug him tight & reassure him that he will be okay. We will be fine. But I couldn't that because I know he is so mad at me.

"Karthik, my baby, please don't be. Everything will be fine" Radha aunty places the bowl on the side table & braces him in her arms.

"I am pretty shaken." he confesses. "I don't know how Mithra is coping up with this trauma. Already she has a lot to worry..."

"I know. I know" Radha aunty caresses his head affectionately.

"She is too young to face all this shit, mom." he groans. It's almost a sob.

Oh my Karthik! Why do you love me so much when I don't deserve it?

"I don't know what will be the test results. I just hope it shows all clear. I don't want to be here... I don't want to be sick..."

"You will be fine, darling" Radha aunty cries.

"If something happens to me..."

"Nothing will happen to you, my baby boy" she kisses his forehead and he hugs her resting his head on her shoulder.

Aww... he will always a baby to her. Wish I could conceive a baby & be a wonderful mother like her. She is just amazing.

"There is a big 'IF', mom..." he lifts his head up and says looking at her eyes. "...now I feel glad that Mithra and I don't have a child" he says.

What the hell is he talking?

"How she will raise our child all alone?"

Alone? Why?

"Don't talk like that Karthik" Radha aunty pleads with tears.

"If anything goes wrong... and something wrong happens to me now or in future... just make sure you remarry Mithra to some

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