Chapter 2 – He's Not Okay

** ZACH's POV **

"You allowed him to drink that much?"

"I tried to hide the bottles of whiskey but, evidently, he found it."

"You think he's trying to kill himself?"

"He has been like that for weeks, drowning himself with alcohol."

"Wow. I never thought that he's that much of a turd. If he couldn't bear it, why did he do it in the first place?"

"He's being reckless."

"No. He is being stupid. How long has he been lying there?"

"I lost track of time. I haven't got any idea, Sir."

"Did he at least take a shower or something? Does he even know that word?"

"Okay, okay! I had enough of your shitty natter about my life. I'm right here you know? At least, try to whisper!" I sat up from where I was lying a while ago and faced Nathan and Boris with a wrath.

"Oh look, Boris. The thing is moving. It talks too." Nathan humored.

And I was far from being entertained.

"Why don't you two gossip girls talk about me somewhere else? Somewhere where I couldn't hear you." I stood up and walked past them, heading my way to the bar and poured myself another glass of whiskey.

"But where's the fun in that?" Nathan remarked with amusement. I swear I wanted to erase that smirk on his face with my own fist. "So, are you done killing yourself?"

"Are you tired of living? You want me to end it now?" I said, lacing my words with pure disdain, but Nathan just grinned.

"Nah, I'm actually quite enjoying watching you ruin your life. So no thanks. I guess I have to live longer to be entertained." He poured himself a glass of whiskey and he raised it, as if waiting for a toast.

"What are you doing?" I raised my brow in pure annoyance.

"If you can't beat them, join them. Come on, buddy. Let's ruin your life together. That's what friends are for, right?" He said with a smug. I just ignored him and drank my frustrations away.

"So. How long will this act of yours last? It's been weeks and you still hide yourself from everyone. By the way, nice hiding place. I'm actually quite impressed that no one ever suspected that you're at your own hotel." I didn't answer him hoping that this would shut him up. But of course, he didn't. Nate really knows how to stick his nose to other people's business, huh. "Look at you. Have you at least glanced at yourself in a mirror? Damn, Zach. Santa would be very ashamed of his hair when compared to yours. Especially your beard." There was a hint of disgust in his tone.

"If you came here just to lecture me, you're free to go. The last person I wanted right now is to question my decision. I made up my mind. I left... and that's it."

"Are you sure about that, Sir?" Boris suddenly asked.

I glared at his direction, completely annoyed with his question. "Damn it, Boris. Stop with that question. You're making me doubt my choice."

Boris straightened up his chin and looked away, trying to look like a noble. "Sir, if you're having doubts, then maybe there's something wrong with your decision."

"And what are you trying to say, huh? Smarty pants." I couldn't help but ask irately.

This time, he looked at me and said, "Try to rethink then ask yourself, 'Am I doing the right thing?'. Wait until you reach the yes answer, because if you don't, you might regret that decision in the end. Do not try to convince yourself. In every decision that you make, you, yourself must believe that you made the right choice. Not for the reason that it is the right thing to do."

"No one asked for your opinion, Bor." I scoffed. I turned away from him and stared at the glass that I was holding.

Boris just ignored my retort and continued with his lecture. "And Sir, sometimes, choosing the right thing is the wrong choice, you know."

"Yeah, right." I sneered. "Says the man who doesn't have a love life." I bit out almost inaudibly.

"Who said I don't have one?"

Before I could even face his direction and react, he was already gone. I looked at Nathan's direction, who was surprisingly quiet during my debate with Boris earlier.

"At least the old man has a love life. Unlike you." Nate commented wittily.

"Un-fuckin-believable."

"Boris has a point, you know."

Again, I tried to ignore him, silently wishing that he would just give up and shut his big fat mouth out. But he was persistent. As always. Damn, this guy.

"You think that it is the right thing to do? Do you honestly think that it is the right choice?"

My grip to the glass of whiskey just got tighter. I was trying to suppress the anger that I was feeling. The frustration for the thing that I've done.

"I was left with no choice." Was my only response as I drank the rest of alcohol from my glass.

"You always have a choice. And looking at it, that choice is really stupid." Nathan jeered.

The frustration in me was building up and I couldn't contain it anymore. I faced Nate's direction with fury. "Listen here, Nathaniel. You're not there. You don't know what happened. You're not there when she told me that she's dating James. That James had been there for her always! Fuckin' always! You don't know what she said to me inside that fuckin' classroom. You're not there when she told me that I should date someone else! It's fuckin' insane! You're not there when James told me to let go of Tori because I'm just hurting her. Every single day! I'm the reason why she's hurting. I'm the reason why the smile on her face is not visible anymore. I'm the fuckin' reason why she's in pain! I AM! You hear me? So tell me, do I have a choice in this, huh? Fuckin' answer me!"

I was heaving, catching my own breath as I told him this. I turned away, avoiding his intimidating stare.

"This is fuckin' stupid." I said, more to myself than him. I rested my head on the palm of my hands and closed my eyes. Man, I was such a girl. "This is why I hate opening myself up to other people. I shouldn't be dependent to other people. I shouldn't let myself get used to living with someone else by my side. It makes people weak, vulnerable, and fuckin' pathetic."

"I'm fuckin' pathetic." I groaned in frustration.

"Being pathetic is not a bad thing. In fact, it only proves that you're not a cold-hearted jerk who only thinks about himself. It also proves that you have a heart."

"Well, damn fuck having a heart." I bit out. "I'd rather be the cold-hearted jerk than this warm-fuckin' crap." Nate just chuckled at my vexation. "I'm not trying to make a joke so don't shit on me."

"But it's funny, grandpa." Nate's grin just got wider. But before I could react and face him with another fury, his expression suddenly changed. This time, it's serious. "But on serious note, I'm curious. What's your real reason for leaving?"

"Where were you in that whole fuckin' rant?"

"Exactly. You lost me when you started nagging." Nate teased. But then after that, he was back to being serious again. "You don't get it, do you? I'm asking your side. Why, Zach? Why did you leave her?" Nate's stare was thought-provoking; it was as if he was squeezing the hell out of me.

"Well..."

"Well what?" He goaded.

"Well, she wanted to! She wanted me to be out of her life!" I couldn't help but shout in frustration.

"Does she? By any chance, did she tell you that, straight to your face, that she wanted you out of her life? Huh?" I was out of words. I was just gaping at him, like a fuckin' fish. "Did she?"

"Yes! No! I don't know!" I said with a rush and hesitation at the same time. What the hell was this all about anyway? "Does it matter? Does it matter if she told me that or whatever? I know that that's what she wanted!"

"Wow! You're such a Zackass!" Nathan said in derision.

Nathan's word hit a nerve in me. Yeah, it angered me more. "What did you just say?"

"You're such an ass, Zachass! Yeah! What the hell are you thinking? You just assumed that that's what she wanted! And you claimed that you did this because you don't have a choice? Oh fuck that, Zach! That's bullshit! You're just finding an excuse for your thoughtless actions!"

I was angry at Nate's accusation that I couldn't help but grab his shirt collar and gripped it tight. "You don't know what you're talking about, Nathaniel! So shut the hell up!"

Nate didn't show any emotions after my rage. He didn't even try to struggle from my clutch. Instead, he just looked at me calmly. "Why are you so angry huh, Zach? Did I hit a nerve there? I was right, was I? You just assumed that that's what she wanted. She didn't tell you, straight to your face, that she wanted you out of her life for good. She didn't really want you to leave. Right? Because you, yourself... you don't want to leave her."

His words hit me, hard. My grip loosened as if I subjected myself in defeat. I let him go and diverted my attention back to the alcohol.

"I tried my best to be there for her. I tried my best not to leave her. Even if watching her from afar, with James, I could bear with that. I swallowed the anger, the wrath, the fuckin' jealously just to see her! But... but when I'm around, all I could see is hurt in her eyes. It's as if my presence is such a pain in her life. Now, tell me. Isn't that enough reason to leave? To let her go? Look at me. I'm being such a puss. I'm a pathetic alcoholic douche without her. You think that I like this? You think I wanted this? You think this is a fuckin' excuse to be such an ass? Yeah, you're goddamn right, Hemmington. I never wanted this! I never wanted to leave! But if that's what will make Tori happy, then, damn it. I'm going to be that pathetic, loser, jerk of a Zachass, just to see her smile again." I sighed in resignation.

Nathan was just silent, he was out of words. Maybe he was wondering who the hell was this guy standing in front of him. Well, I couldn't blame him. I don't even know who I am right now.

What happened to the old selfish Zachary Anderson? The ultimate playboy who never ever dared to enter in a serious relationship. The jerk who only wanted women for hook-ups. The jackass who only thought about himself and his big fat ego?

All gone because of one girl.

Only one girl!

That one girl who's smile could brighten up a storm. That one girl who's laugh was the most beautiful sound in the world. That one girl who could melt the frozen heart of a cold-hearted playboy like me.

That only one girl... that I don't have now.

"It's very unlikely for you to be that selfless, Zach."

"Yeah, I know. Fuck being a noble."

"Any regrets?"

I turned to him and glared at him menacingly. "The only thing I regret right now is having these girly talking-tos with you. It's too late, Nate. There's nothing I could do. So do me a favor and be a friend. Stop this. Stop making me grieve more about my decision. What's done is done. It's too late."

Nate was silent for a while, I thought that he finally gave up and shut his big mouth but my guess was wrong. Why did I even consider the fact that he would shut his fat-ass of a mouth for even just a second? I swear; Nate was born with a wrong gender. He's such a chatterbox for fuck's sake! "Zach, there's no such thing as too late. Just late. But not too late."

But then, even if that's the case, he talks with sense. And damn him for his wisdom and logic.

"A very reliable source told me that Tori is in school right now. Go for it, and please do me a favor. Stop drinking, fix yourself, go shower or something then do the right thing. Get her back! No matter what she said, discard it. Unless she looked at you, straight in the eyes, and told you that she wanted you out of her life for good... then move on. Other than that, everything else is a lie. No matter how hard she pushes you away... I know that you know that she doesn't mean that."

Nate's words got me. It was very tempting to do. But some part of me was still hesitant, but then... maybe he's right. Maybe Tori didn't mean anything she said to me back then. She told me that she loves me too, so that could mean something, right?

"Hey. Where are you going?" I asked Nate when he was about to leave. Well I thought that he would back me up. So why the hell was he leaving?

"I'm going back to Monte Carlo tomorrow. I need to pack up."

"Why did you come back in Manhattan anyway?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Well, after I heard what happened to you, I came back right away. I have to prevent a jerk from killing himself. The world needs someone like him. It would be boring if the likes of him were gone." He finished with a sly smirk.

I just let out a small snicker and mumbled, "Thanks". I saw him nod in response and with that, he walked out of the door and left.

I didn't waste too much time. I immediately followed Nathan's advice. I fixed myself and arranged a car service as my transportation to school. I have to have her again. It has been long painful weeks to me. It was hell without her. Maybe, just maybe, she was as miserable as I am right now. Maybe what I did is wrong. I shouldn't leave her. We both love and need each other.

With that, the small hope in me was starting to grow.

I'm doing the right thing. Right here. Right now!

And finally, we arrived at the school in no time. A great timing too because I know that there's still one more class away before the day ends. With that, I smiled to myself.

Pull yourself together, Anderson. It's now or never.

When I was about to get out from the car, what I saw totally sent a piercing pain right through me. The hurt I was feeling was ten times the usual. My heart was throbbing at the sight of two people, hopping on a motorcycle, smiling.

They looked happy.

She looked happy.

She's okay.

And fuck the universe... I am not okay.

This is what you wanted, Zachary Anderson. You chose this path. You chose to be selfless and think of other people's happiness. You said in your letter that you gave your blessing to them. You will stay away from her, from them. You said that you're letting her go. You said that you're doing this because this is for the better.

"This is for the better." I breathe out excruciatingly.

With that, I immediately turned my attention away from them. I couldn't watch them any longer. If I dared to, it's like I'm stabbing myself with sharp knives.

It's fuckin' painful!

It's suicide!

I went back to the hotel and did the first thing that came into my mind. I packed up and went straight to where Nathan was staying.

When he opened the door, he directed his stare to bag that I was carrying. He's not even minding the creases that were in my forehead.

"What the hell was that?" He asked in confusion.

"I'm leaving. I'm going to Monte Carlo. I'm coming with you." I said, trying to hold something quite embarrassing.

"Wait, what? Didn't we just have a conversation a while ago? I told you to make things right. Right? Why the hell are you running away?" He bit out, irritation lacing his tone.

"Well smart guy, it is too late." I scorned.

"I don't think I'm following this. What do you mean by that?"

I closed my eyes, pinched the bridge of my nose, took a deep breath and sighed just to try to calm myself down.

"She's with James now." I started. It came out of my mouth with derision. I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat and allowed myself to continue. Even if it hurts, so damn much. "And now... now... she's finally smiling."

"It's game over, Nate."

--- END OF CHAPTER TWO ---

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