Chapter 40: Giving It Another Shot

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After you hung up and he cried until there were no tears left, Yoongi had been tossing and turning in bed unable to fall asleep. He couldn't comprehend your words. He couldn't understand how it was that you loved him in his entirety. Even his biggest flaws. You even seemed to find them endearing.

You said you loved his lame attempts at making up for not being super expressive, how he just threw himself in bed and did absolutely nothing, as long as he cuddled with you. That somehow was what you wanted and he was in disbelief. He should be relieved you craved boring things like he did, but he was really confused.

But you wanted him and you wouldn't take no for an answer when he did what his conscience was begging him to do in order to stop tormenting him for staying by your side when things were clearly too difficult for both of you. You would put up with it just for him and it was mindblowing to him.

His music, you loved it too, what it did to him. He once said that if you took music away, he was nothing and you seemed to understand. Even went as far as saying that you'd love him whether that changed or not. You'd love him even if he was nothing.

He felt warm inside when your words replayed in his head, 'it's you I'm with', 'I chose you and I choose you'. Even when he was an ass to you, tried to push you away and was nothing but harsh to you in his efforts, you kept coming back and loving on him.

He wanted to give in and accept it. He wanted to tell you about his fears and his worries, see how you'd make it all better with a hug or a few words like you somehow always managed to do. It was a mystery to him why you loved him like this, but he would gladly take it if you insisted.

Yoongi walked up to the reception "Excuse me, sir*, do you have milk?" he wanted to be more polite, but his English was limited.

"Of course, I can get you some, sir" the receptionist said as he got up to walk away from the lobby.

"Warm, please" Yoongi said hoping he'd be able to sleep.

"Hyung?" he turned around to look at the source of the grave voice calling him. What was Taehyung doing sitting on the couches in the lobby at this time of the night?

"Taehyung-ssi" he said surprised and concerned about him "what are you doing awake? It's late, you should be in bed."

"I'm waiting for the time I have to call my girlfriend" he said and Yoongi rolled his eyes. Of course he'd wait until the middle of the night just to talk to her.

"Until what time?" he questioned his sanity.

"Five in the afternoon, when she gets out of work" Tae said with a sheepish smile.

"That's four in the morning, kid. You need to get some sleep, you need to stay healthy" his hyung said sternly, giving him a disapproving look.

"I promise I will go to bed as soon as I'm done, Yoongi hyung. I slept for a while, I had set an alarm, but I couldn't sleep so I came out here" Tae explained himself feeling uneasy about the older one's reaction.

"Alright, you'd better" he was still serious, but the comment was a little more relaxed, so Tae smiled at him satisfied. The man came back and handed Yoongi his glass. "Thank you, sir."

"Good night, Taehyung-ssi" Yoongi said before heading back to his room and giving sleep another shot. It was late at night when his head went on overload and you had given him so much to think about.

Yoongi had messaged you he would call you in a few days. It would be easier for him when they flew to Europe at the beginning of the third month of the tour. The time difference with London would be significantly less than with Canada.

You were waiting for Yoongi's call late at night on Monday, he said he would call at about 3 pm his time, so 11 pm for you. He'd just take a break from the preparations for the concert of that night to talk to you. Hearing from him only a couple days after had given you immense relief.

You were nervous since you left the call without a word, wondering if you'd done the right thing. After all you had only assumed you were making it easier for him. You certainly were a mess when you tried to talk while crying and even you found it embarrassing.

To your surprise, you got a video call instead of a call as usual. You were more than a little excited about actually seeing your boyfriend after all this time. You pressed the button to start the call with a bright smile.

"Hey, jagi" Yoongi greeted you with a warm smile as he was surprised by yours "I've missed that smile" he mumbled and looked down at his lap blushing. He seemed to be sitting at the edge of the stage.

"I've missed you, Yoongi" you chirped and he chuckled. It was nice to hear your happy voice in contrast with your angry or hurt tone. He hated that he had caused that trying to protect you from him. "Is that where you'll be performing?" you asked and he nodded and looked around.

"We had dreamed of performing at Wembley Stadium and here we are once more" you could see his eyes sparkling and the sides of his lips curling as he admired it and you couldn't help but smile too. He looked back at the screen with a more serious look.

"We can try again" he hesitated "if you're sure."

"More than sure, Yoongi" you nodded enthusiastically and he chuckled at the eagerness.

"Can I ask you something?" he said hesitantly. "I just want to know" he clarified, afraid you'd get mad "have you ever been together?"

"With Jiji? Yoongi, he's been the gayest kid for as long as I can remember" you laughed softly.

He remained silent feeling unsure about what to say, "happiest?" he tried.

"Look, I know it's unusual, but I was hoping you were not as intolerant as the majority of the population" you said softly hoping he could accept your best friend.

"Oh" is all he could utter "no, it's fine. I just didn't-" he still looked surprised.

"He's not your stereotypical gay man, I know, he's fooled all my boyfriends" you said with a cheeky smile.

"Are you serious?" he asked a little annoyed "is this some sort of test?"

"No, of course not" you laughed amused "you know how it is out there, it's not safe. Specially not in my little retrograde hometown." He nodded taking in the information.

"Anyway" he cleared his throat. He had no idea about what to say.

"I'll start" you offered and he sighed relieved.

"I wish you had told me from the start why you thought I'd just walk away with someone else because you couldn't be here for me" you expressed your concerns "If you had just asked me who Jiwon was before assuming the worst, I would have assured you everything was okay."

Yoongi nodded feeling guilty, but stayed quiet so you would continue.

"You have to let me be with you, I can't if you don't let me, Yoongi. Why do you insist on keeping to yourself? Why won't you tell me when something's wrong? Why do you shut me out instead of letting me hug you until you're all better like we did a few months back?" you asked filled with worry

"I don't want you to worry. I don't want to be the reason you're hurt" Yoongi explained his reasoning "It can be just me, not both of us."

"It hurts me more that you suffer alone when I could be there by your side. I worry more about not knowing how you're feeling and suddenly seeing you're in pain when you can't take it anymore" you shared your side of it.

"I'm so sorry" is all he could muster "I wanted to keep you safe from my problems, protect you from the pain. But I screwed up and hurt you more instead" he growled frustrated.

"I care about you, I'm not here just whenever everything's fine, you know. Let me help you through the bad times too" you reassured him and he smiled sadly.

"I'm not used to it" he mumbled "it's what I thought was best."

"All you have to do is talk to me, like when you told me what you wanted in a relationship and I told you what I wanted. We figured it out from there, didn't we?" he nodded at your words deep in thought, remembering what that had been like. That had been clear to him.

"And if you dare decide what's best for me without consulting me first one more time..." you started saying in a threatening tone narrowing your eyes and he chuckled.

"Got it" he replied sounding and looking more relaxed and even a little amused.

After all that was cleared up, you talked for a while for the first time since he left. You just lost track of time. He didn't hold back for the first time ever and just felt at ease. Yoongi asked more about your childhood and growing up in a small town.

He learned Jiji called you baby because he is much taller than you and you are so tiny in comparison. Just like him, he found your height adorable, even though the height difference wasn't as dramatic between you two. He was part of the group of friends that you played basketball with and most of them called you that way.

"I'm not calling you baby though" he scrunched his nose at the nickname.

"Deal. I won't call you dad again then" you teased him, but you knew it was more annoying than funny to him so you were going to stop either way. You had mostly done it when he got on your nerves and it was not right.

"Good" he said with a quick and firm nod that you found amusing.

In turn he told you about his earlier years. How he didn't really have friends. He was raised by his grandmother in Daegu, he told you about how he fell in love with his piano when he couldn't even reach the keys. How he eventually found himself in his music as a middle schooler and wrote songs ever since. He talked about his family, their support and lack of it.

He mentioned his underground rapper days as Gloss of D-Town. You finally understood what d-boy meant and where his alter ego Agust D came from. He shared how he found himself auditioning hoping to be a producer for a hip hop band and ended up being tricked into being an idol in a boy band, which is the last thing he would have ever pictured himself as.

He was certainly peculiar to be an idol. His trainee days, meeting the guys, living with them and their trying times. But then how it all worked out, how the stages just got bigger and bigger for the band until they were performing in stadiums and arenas they had only dreamed of like this one.

Your heard all about their debut, their first MV, first time on international charts, the first prize they won, their first fan meeting and how weird, but encouraging it was to have fans that loved you without you even knowing them. Their trips, their tours, every single thing he had got to experience that stuck with him.

He didn't omit his struggles with depression, social anxiety and obsessive compulsive habits. When he injured his shoulder and thought he was going to lose everything, from his career to his ability to play. How he struggled to go on stage on one occasion, but then on another he was dying to be with his members but he had to be in hospital unexpectedly. He just spammed his fans with whiny comments and they loved it. 

You could have listened to him excitedly tell you everything he wanted and never get sick of it. He sounded so alive when he talked about what made him happy. Everything changed, from his tone of voice to the expression on his face to the sparkle in his eyes, when he did.

"Would you do something for me?" he asked shyly.

"Anything, jagi" you said and he smiled at your chirpy tone.

"Will you wear my t-shirt tonight instead of Jiwon's?" he was embarrassed, but that silly thing would certainly make him feel better and he had to admit it after you'd both agreed to open up.

"I was already planning on it. I only stopped because of what happened" you said softly, your cheeks acquiring a pink tint.

"I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't mean to make you cry when I told you to leave me alone, if I'd read your message-" you stopped him before he went in a downward spiral, his face already contorted uncomfortably.

"I know. That's in the past, don't worry about that anymore, please. Let's start over" you proposed the idea hoping he would feel less burdened.

"I love you so much, jagi" he said with a gummy smile. He was genuinely grateful for you always telling him what he didn't know he needed to hear. For just making everything better effortlessly somehow.

"I love you more, do you believe me?" you tried to sound more confident than you actually felt.

"I can't wrap my head around why, but I do" he said sincerely "I'd beg to differ on the 'more' though" Yoongi added chuckling bashfully.

"I've got to be special if I love you or so I've been told" you said remembering what the members commented and laughing softly.

"There's definitely got to be something wrong with you" he deadpanned and nodded seriously. Laughing when you started to protest after a short silence that threw you off.

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