Chapter 25: Love Myself

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"Good morning" you said softly when you saw Yoongi opened his eyes sleepily. You were on your laptop sitting next to him on the bed, smiling sweetly. Already fully dressed. He groaned and turned around, his back now facing you.

He had thought about the previous night as soon as he woke up. Yoongi sighed frustrated, pulling the covers over his head. He was still very much ashamed of himself, he felt too old for this. He had been tired, that wasn't a lie, it never is in his case. Truth is though, he wasn't in the mood anymore after that and was not surprised in the least.

You tugged on his arm and he turned around and pulled the covers down to his shoulders so he could wrap his arms around you as you curled up close to him. You looked so content despite it all and he looked at you sadly, weren't you disappointed? How come you were so good to him when he was busy, stressed and anxious more often than not?

Even when he was with you, this seemed to transpire onto everything. He could tick off every single item on a list of reasons why everything went south for him, he finished too fast and his mood was shot.

Depression. Anxiety. Medication. Stress. Bad sleep. Low self-esteem. Bad body image. None of it made him feel any better about himself even if he had the explanation laid out for him. The fact that it all was a side effect of all his issues was no consolation to him. 

When he thought he was doing better, something happened and he questioned everything again. Sometimes preaching Love Myself sounded hypocritical when he couldn't achieve it even if he tried. His verse resonated in his head 'loving myself might be harder', 'the standards I made are more strict for myself', 'let's forgive ourselves'.

He suddenly wondered what you saw in him and was once again shocked that he had gathered the courage to ask you to be with him and you had actually said yes. Yeah, sure, he can be a little arrogant sometimes, but he doesn't think highly of himself. People often miss the sarcasm of his comments and fall for it. It can be entertaining at times though.

He felt like going into his studio and losing himself in his music, forget about all the depressive thoughts. Any other time he would have done that without thinking twice, but last night he had asked you to be part of his life. He couldn't just leave like that, it wouldn't be right. Yoongi sighed again and you looked up at him.

"Hey, is everything okay?" you asked concerned and he locked eyes with you expressionless but didn't say anything. You could tell something was not right, but didn't insist. When you went to get up he took your wrist.

"Where are you going?" he asked missing your warmth already. He felt rather pathetic.

"I'll be right back" you said offering a sweet smile and he let go following you with his eyes. Shortly after you came back with a cup of coffee and a bowl of cereal.

"Here" you chirped and he turned his head to look at you over his shoulder. He sat up reluctantly and you gave him the bowl and put down the cup on the bedside table.

"Thanks" he said with a half-hearted smile. He wasn't feeling hungry but it was heart warming that you'd take care of him like that. He laid back on the pillows and ate silently, trying to get over his loss of appetite. You were too quiet yourself, he glanced over at you.

"I'm sorry" he said not knowing what to do to make it better. This was not the kind of silence that you had mentioned when you said you got quiet when comfortable, it was the opposite.

"About what?" you asked worriedly as he put his bowl down and held the cup in both hands. Everything that happened yesterday? He thought as he tried to find the words and failed.

"About last night" he muttered with his eyes fixed on his coffee, he couldn't bring himself to look at you in the eye, not as he felt.

"But I had a lovely time! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings" you said and he looked back at you confused.

"What?" he asked wondering why you'd think you'd done anything to upset him.

"Our date, you were doing something nice for me and I questioned it" you offered trying to find a reason why he was looking so deflated.

He shook his head "you didn't do anything" he said and looked down at his cup again feeling guilty. He stayed not to upset you by leaving, but he hurt you anyway. He put his unfinished coffee to a side, picked up his clothes from the floor and put them back on.

"Is it..." you started as he turned back to look at you.

"I don't want to talk about it" he was quick to stop you. Making his side of the bed, he laid back down defeated and you came closer to him and hugged his waist once more. He kissed your forehead and held you tight. Closing his eyes as he was comforted by your warmth once more.

Your head laid on his chest, you could hear his soft heartbeats and the air come in and go out of his lungs calmly, but he was not at ease for some reason. You got up from the bed and went to your stereo to put on the CD he made for you. As you walked back, the music started playing.

He opened his eyes as he heard the music and looked at you with a small smile as you crawled back next to him. Looking down at him, you leaned in and kissed him sweetly, you pulled away ever so slightly "please, don't be sad" your voice was soft. He chuckled with a side smile and wondered how it was possible that you cared so much about him, it was unfair that you had to worry too.

"Oh, I know" you said suddenly and he looked at you puzzled as you stretched over him to open the drawer of your bedside table. Taking out the little book you made at the festival in Busan. You handed it to him and he carefully took it.

"I've been writing some poems on there" you commented with a wide smile "tell me what you think". Yoongi seemed to like your writing, so you hoped this would cheer him up a bit. He opened it and started reading. Your handwriting was cute and delicate, his lips curled at the sides.

You quietly waited while he turned the pages and took in your every word, the soft expression in his eyes and small smile never leaving his face. Closing the book, he looked at you blushing, there was a poem about him on the last page.

He buried his face in the crook of your neck as he wrapped his arm around you and tried hard not to cry in front of you. What did he ever do to deserve your affection? He sniffled and you stroked his hair lovingly "are you crying?" you asked but he was holding back.

"No" he replied curtly. You chuckled and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. Yoongi held you tighter. You stayed like that for hours, falling in and out of sleep, which was exactly what he needed from you and didn't know.

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