Cemeteries use to freak me out so bad that I refuse to look at them when I would pass them by. There was just something about them that made my skin crawl and to think that dead people were buried underneath the ground in that place.

But today, I'm not afraid of them as much as I use to be. It doesn't bother me anymore knowing that someone I dearly love is buried here, and that nothing bad can happen to me.

I opened the gate to the cemetery and it made a creaking noise and it made a chill run up my spine. Even in the afternoon, this place seems to give off a creepy vibe.

I start roaming the graveyard as I'm searching the tombstones carefully. There was some that I couldn't read at all because of how old they were. The markings on them had faded and it made me wonder just how long they've been here.

It's been four years since I've been here, and I can't remember where she's buried. I haven't came here because I never could escape from the hell that I call my life.

I finally come across the tombstone that I've been searching for and I take a slow and deep breath as I slowly sit down in front of it. I could feel every emotion rising up as I'm staring at the tombstone in front of me.

"Hi, mom," I barely whisper out. I could feel the tears in my eyes and I try to hold them back as I'm taking deep breaths to calm my nerves.

I look at the tombstone as it's engraved:

Addison J. Hayes

1966 - 2013

I sat there and stare at it for a while, trying to think of what I'm going to say without crying my eyes out. I came here to get away, and to talk to the only person who would listen even though they're no longer here.

I heard my voice shake, "I miss you," I chuckled a little. "I miss you everyday," I stared at the name as I was holding back tears. "I wish you was here," I felt everything inside of me rise up and I couldn't hold on any longer.

I sat there and cried. I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe as I was trying to gasp for air in between sobs. I've held in my tears long enough and I couldn't hold them in any longer.

"I don't know what to do," I cried. My whole body was shaking and I looked up and stared at her tombstone. "I need you now more than anything and it's getting harder everyday to know that you're not here to talk to me about the things that I can't handle on my own," I couldn't control my tears as they were falling down my cheeks.

"I need someone who can listen to me and be there for me. Why'd you have to leave?" I cried. It was getting hard for me to live everyday in a world that hates me. The world hates me. God must hate me. I have the shittiest life ever and I don't know what I did to deserve this.

"Why must God do this to me?" I stared at the tombstone waiting for an answer that would never come. "What did I do to be put in situations that I can't handle," I bowed my head as I took a deep breath. "I just wish you were here,"

As I sat there with my head down, I started thinking back years ago when my life had meaning and when I didn't have to face any problems alone. I didn't have a shitty life because my mom was still here and she always made it better.

~

Four Years Ago:

"Sam, we have to go! I'm going to be late!"

I heard my mom from downstairs as I was lacing my shoes. I tried to hurry because I knew that when she was ready to leave, you had to be ready at that exact moment.

I finally tied my shoe and ran down the stairs to where I found my mom waiting at the door for me. I smiled at her as she was watching me walk towards her. "I'm ready," she nodded then we walked out of the house and to the driveway.

My mom had a doctors appointment today and I could tell she was nervous about it. She's always nervous when it was time for these visits because they always find something.

I watched as she was driving and I couldn't help but smile. I loved this woman more than anything and she doesn't know how much she means to me. I may not tell her everyday like I should, but I absolutely love her.

She's my everything.

She helps me with any problem I ever had and she's always been there. Maybe she hasn't made the best decisions in life, but she's on the right track now and I couldn't be more happier.

It's just us right now. My dad left and moved to Texas, and never once called to check on us. My mom said that I shouldn't worry because he was a piece of shit anyways. He was never really there for us and he didn't care enough to stay.

My sister, Jessica, is staying at a friends house because her and mom can't get along and they always fight. One night their fight was so bad that they started physically fighting and Jessica just got up and left. Jessica was on drugs so bad, that she was hardly even here.

But I don't care, because as along as I have my mom, my life is complete.

She glanced at me as she was driving and asked if I was ready for high school. It was only a week away and I was nervous as hell. I didn't know anyone in high school because it was a whole new environment.

I didn't have any best friends going into high school with me because I hardly made friends back in middle school and they all don't talk to me anymore. My mom said that I would make plenty of friends and that I would bring them home to meet her. I didn't know if she was right or not because I can never make any friends.

We pulled up at the doctors office about an hour later and it was packed. We barely found a parking spot and as my mom shut the engine off, she looked over at me.

"Sam," I looked at her as I unbuckled my seat belt. "You know what's going to happen in here, right?" I nodded as she sighed, "I don't want you to freak out or anything because it's just like all the rest of the visits I've had. They're going to find something," I nodded to let her know that I understood.

They always find something no matter what.

We got out and made our way inside. There was a lot of people already here, and there was barely anywhere to sit. I sat down as my mom went to the window to talk to the lady.

I looked around at everyone as they were either talking or on their phones. I sat there quietly as my mom came and sat down next to me. She had a clipboard in her hands and I watched as she filled it out.

After a while, she got back up and handed the clipboard back to the lady behind the window. She came back and sat down and grabbed a magazine.

We sat there for a few minutes until some lady came out and called her. We both stood up and followed the lady through a door and down a hallway.

Mom had to step on a weight thing, then get her blood pressure and temperature. The same procedure that we go through every time we come here. I've got everything that they do memorized.

As she got done, the lady walked up into a room and told us that the doctor will be here shortly. I sat down in a chair as my mom sat on the bed.

We sat in silence because there wasn't anything for us to say. After a few minutes, the doctor came in and did his thing as he asked her some questions then told her that they were going to do the procedure now.

I watched as my mom was following him out of the room before she told me that she'd be back. I nodded and sat there after the door shut.

It was a couple of minutes of boredom as I sat there waiting. I stared at the same pictures over a hundred times before I heard the door open and I saw my mom walk in.

She sat back down on the bed and I watched as she looked at me. "It's going to be a few minutes for the tests to run," I nodded. "They may not even do it today, I don't know," they never do it the day we come in. They wait and wait, and it gets on my nerves.

"Sam," I looked at my mom as she was staring at me. "We need to talk," I nodded and waited for her to continue, "You already know what's going on," I nodded again. "Well, you know that I do have cancer," I sat there and watched her. "And I don't have very long," I gave her a confused look but she continued, "There's nothing that they can do now, so I'm just waiting it out,"

I stared at her, "What do you mean?"

She sighed, "I don't have long to live, and since they can't do anything-" I cut her off.

"What do you mean they can't do anything? They can't figure out a way to cure you? Why? They're supposed to be doctors!" I didn't mean to raise my voice but I couldn't help it.

"Sam, listen-"

"No, mom. I'm not going to sit here and watch you die!" there's no way that this is happening.

She's dying.

I tried controlling my tears. "How long?" I stared at her as I waiting for the answer.

She shrugged, "We don't know,"

"So, it could be anytime?" she nodded and I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.

She reached over and grabbed my hand, "I know this is hard, but we have to accept it because it's life," I pulled my hand away and sat there without looking at her. "Samantha, don't act like that,"

I looked up and met her eyes, "Act like what mother? Act like my mom isn't dying? How can I not!" I buried my face in my hands and tried so hard not to cry.

I couldn't take this. I can't deal with this.

I got up and walked out of the room while hearing my mom yell for me. I'm not sitting there and pretend my mom isn't dying when I know she is.

I walked back through the office and I ran out the door. I ran through the parking lot but didn't know where I was going. I just didn't want to be there anymore. I needed to get away.

I ran across the street and sat under a tree. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them as I cried. I couldn't bare this pain into my chest and knowing that this pain was going to get a lot worse soon.

I sat there and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I looked up and seen all the cars pass me by as I sat there while my world was shattering around me.

I heard footsteps a few minutes later and when I looked towards the noise, I seen my mom walking towards me. She didn't say anything but sat down under the tree next to me.

We didn't say anything as we sat there. I had too many thoughts running through my head and I didn't want to say anything because I knew that all my emotions would come out.

"You know, when you were about three years old, your dad let you outside one day but didn't watch you careful enough and he lost you for a few hours," I looked over at her as she was looking at me. "You were a few houses down at our neighbors, playing with their dogs," she chuckled a little, "They said that you were ok there so they didn't call anyone," she looked at me and smiled, "You were always running away,"

She tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear and smiled at me, "I thought you were going to grow up like your sister because you always ran away so much, but you didn't," she smiled, "You're my good child," she wrapped her arm around me and pulled me in.

"Why did I run away so much?" I looked up at her as she sighed.

"I don't know. We had to watch you very carefully because every chance you'd get, you would run out that door," she smiled as I smiled at her. "I think even as a three year old, you had some problems you had to get away from," she chuckled a little. "I knew when you walked out of that doctors office, you would run away somewhere, but not far away," she stared at me for a moment, "I want you to know something," I stared at her as she continued,

"Instead of running from you problems, you need to face them. Because no matter how big of a problem you may have, running away will only cause it to grow,"

I looked at her as she was smiling at me. "That's some good advice," I smiled at her, "You know me better than anyone else,"

She chuckled, "That's because I'm your mother,"

I smiled, "A great one at that," I seen her smile as I was looking at her. "What do I do when you're gone? Dad isn't here anymore," that's what bothered me the most because I wouldn't have anyone after she's gone.

"Jessica will still be here," she stared at me as I was looking at her. "She may not be on the right track at the moment, but I know that she'll get the help she needs and she'll get better,"

Jessica has been on drugs for as long as I can remember and she's never here with her family. She cares about drugs more than she cares about us and it's sad because she's my sister and I hate to see her like this. When she's on drugs, she can be abusive because she's hit mom before and fought with her.

Although she never hit me, but when she's on drugs, her mind isn't there and she does whatever the hell she wants.

"Your sister will be there for you and take you in. She'll protect you and take care of you, ok baby?" I nodded as I looked at my mom.

She smiled, "I know that you'll do great things in life with or without me here. You'll put your sister on the right track, and you'll make something out of yourself. I believe in you," she smiled as I stared at her.

It was going to be hard without her.

I sighed, "I still don't know if I'll be able to live without you," she stared at me. "You're the only one who understands me. Jessica doesn't know anything about me. She doesn't even know that I'm gay. You accepted me for being a lesbian and you didn't care. You still loved me."

The day I told my mom that I was gay, I thought she would hate me and start yelling at me. But she didn't. Instead, she took me in her arms and told me that she didn't care who I liked or what I was because no matter what, she would always love me.

She smiled and kissed my cheek, "You're my baby girl, and I don't care what you choose to do in your life because I'll always support you no matter what," she smiled at me, "I know that you'll find a great girl one day,"

I stared at her, "What if I meet her after you're gone?"

She stared at me for a moment, "If I'm gone before you meet her, I want you to bring her by and let me meet her," I stared at her for a moment until I finally understood what she meant. She smiled, "I know that you'll make the right choices and treat her just as good as she treats you," she pulled me closer to her as she squeezed me. "She'll take care of you,"

I sighed, "What if I never find anyone?" that's what I'm afraid of. I won't find the love of my life and I'll always be alone.

"Everyone is made for someone. You just have to find the right one that completes you,"

I stared at her, "How do I know if it's love?"

She smiled at me, "When you meet the love of your life, you'll feel things that you never felt before," I stared at her as she continued, "You'll get butterflies in your stomach and your heart will race a hundred miles per hour," she smiled at me. "You'll know when you meet her,"

I looked at her for a moment, "I want you to be here to meet her though," knowing that I might meet the love of my life after my mom dies is hard to take in.

I want her to be here when I fall in love. I want my mom to meet the girl that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be able to bring her home to my mom and have them meet each other.

She hugged me from the side, "I will be, I promise, Even if I'm gone by that time, I'll still be here,"

After we spent that moment together, it really hit me that I wouldn't have my mom forever like I wanted to. I knew that her time was coming, and she knew it too, but we both lived our lives like she was going to live forever.

When high school started, my mom was there to take me and even thought I was a nervous wreck, my mom gave me some advice that didn't make me nervous anymore as I entered those doors to my new beginning. My mom was there to pick me up from school and was there when I needed her the most with any problem I had.

Our days were numbered though as it was soon to come to an end as a month passed and my mom was no longer here.

She didn't wake up one morning and reality hit me when I kept shaking her and yelling for her to wake up. She wouldn't move and I was struck with the worst pain I've ever had. I couldn't stop myself crying as tried so hard to wake her up, but she never did.

I cried that whole day, and the day after, and the day after that. I cried up until her funeral where I was seated in the front, in plain view of her laying in the casket. I didn't have anymore tears left, as I watched thr preacher say a few words about my mom.

Then a few other people stepped up and said their condolences, but even though they were speaking great things about her, I didn't hear a word they said.

My mind was somewhere far away, and I knew that my life would never be the same as I didn't have my mom in my life anymore and it was the realest thing I've ever faced.

My heart ached, but my emotions were dry as the funeral service ended and everyone was greeting everyone as they stood up to leave. I stayed seated while staring at the casket with thoughts running through my head.

After a few minutes, I decided to make my way to the casket and talk to my mom one last time before she's buried in the ground forever. I couldn't think of anything worse as the pain was increasing inside of my chest as I slowly made my way to her.

I stopped and stared down at the woman who was laying motionless in the casket. She looked too alive to be dead. It seemed as though if I touched her, she'd wake up and this nightmare would all be over.

But it doesn't work that way. God takes the people who are the most weak and take them to be with him because he knows that life on Earth is no longer meaningful for them. But little does He know that the ones he take are the most strongest that has ever lived.

"I love you, mom," I whispered as I stared at her. "I should have told you more often, but I guess I never can," I heard my voice shake, "I promise that when I meet the love of my life, I'll let you meet her," I felt a tear fall as my lips were shaking.

I leaned down and gently kissed her forehead. "I'll make you proud, momma,"

~

I sat there as I thought about everything my mom told me. I looked up and stared at her tombstone as I realized something that I didn't think of before. After all these years, my mom has always been here with me whether I knew it or not. She was always in the back of my mind, telling me something that I should of heard before.

Instead of running from my problems, I need to face them. Because no matter how big of a problem I have, running away will only cause it to grow.

I stood up and that's when I felt a small drop of rain. I looked up at the clouds forming and I knew that it was going to start raining before I even got out of here.

I looked down at my mom and smiled, "I'm taking your advice, mom," I stared at the tombstone, "I'm not running away anymore," I bent down and kissed the tombstone as I felt more drops of rain.

I ran to the gate just as it started pouring. I closed the gate behind me and started running down the