"Dev?"

"Nate, hi!"

I was sitting on one of the kitchen counters with a jar of peanut butter by my side, which I occasionally took a spoon of. My phone was in my hand, pressed against my ear so Devin's voice could sound clearer in my ears.

"Hi, I just wanted to call because it's been a long time since we hung out on our own." I explained as I licked at the peanut butter that lingered on my spoon.

"Do you want to meet at the café?" He asked.

"Yeah, I do. I just want us to talk like we used to, you know? I get that we've both been busy-"

"But that's no excuse. Yeah, I understand. I'll meet you there in a few minutes," he said.

"Thank you," I whispered, but he'd already hung up.

The café was in full swing when I got there. Almost every single chair was taken, and I noticed several waiters rushing around taking orders when I knew their jobs were to be behind the counter or in the kitchen itself. Thankfully, it was easy to find Devin amongst the crowd. It gets easy once you obsess over the person for two years.

"So, what's up?" He asked after we both had our orders taken by Tom.

I shrugged, "I just wanted us to talk."

He leaned forward."Is everything okay with you and Tom?"

I frowned, "Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?"

He sat back. "Just wondering. Have you guys...you know, yet?"

"What?" I frowned.

"You know, have you guys done it?" He wiggled his eyebrows.

What the eff.

I shook my head, my face scrunching up in disgust.

"Don't you want to know if Ian and I have done it?" He raised his eyebrows.

"No," I pulled another face.

He shrugged.

"But...have you?" I asked, although I was definitely not prepared for whatever his answer could be.

"No," he smiled. "But I think he wants to."

I swallowed hard, "Do you want to?"

He laughed. "Heck, yeah. Have you seen him lately? It's hard not to just jump him sometimes, I swear. I saw him in the shower once, and I can't say I regret it. Although, I might have to ask you when it comes down to it, I'm not so experienced as I was with the ladies."

He winked.

It suddenly felt like the room grew smaller, like I was magically claustrophobic and all I wanted to was get out of there. I got this feeling that I was trapped in a over heater oven, all I wanted to do was climb out of my skin and go somewhere miles away from here.

He saw Ian in the shower?

I felt sick.

I stood up suddenly, so suddenly that Devin's head shot up in surprise, and a few people in the nearby seats glanced our way as my chair screamed against the wooden floor.

"I have to go," I muttered, leaving some cash on the table.

"What? We just got here," he frowned, eyeing me, then the money in confusion.

"I know, I just remembered I have a thing with Jake. I'm sorry." I rushed, then almost ran for the door.

"Nate, wait!"

I ignored him.

The fresh cold air hit me hard and I almost chocked at the impact. I didn't want to know what Devin would say to me if he managed to catch up to me, so I just quickly walked away towards my apartment building.

I found my car in the underground garage and leaned back against it as I tried to clear my thoughts.

I couldn't, but I managed to catch my breath and hop in the driver's seat.

I drove on until I found myself parked in the university's parking space.

I got out of my car, running my fingers through my hair as I nervously walked towards the dorms.

I was half way there when I heard a voice repeatedly call my name.

"Nate!"

I turned around and saw Ian speed walking towards me, not even out of breath. Like he was some athlete or something.

"Hey," I said, trying to control the anger that bubble inside of me.

He grinned, "What's up?"

I looked around before meeting his eyes, "Just hanging out with Jake."

"Oh, cool. I think I saw him in a class, do you want me to wait here with you?" He asked, sitting down on a bench.

I knew Jake's schedule by heart, and I was so anxious to get here, to talk to someone, that I forgot he had a life.

I nodded, slightly hesitated, before I took a seat next to Ian, my anger subsiding.

"What's with all the rush?" He asked.

"Uh, just had a lot of coffee," I lied.

He smiled, as if he understood what I was feeling. But he didn't.

Of course he didn't.

"Do you know how you'll tell Dev the truth?" He asked. "I don't want to seem pushy, but the sooner you do it the better you'll feel."

"I actually haven't been thinking about it much. There's...a lot of other things going on," I said, my mind wondering back to Jake's kiss and I felt even worse than before.

"I'll be here if you need any help. Dev is as important to me as he is to you....I just want to understand one thing," he said, suddenly serious.

"What?"

"Why'd you do it?" He asked me, and I remembered that I hadn't given him a clear answer the last time.

I stared at him, words rushing through my mind as I tried to come up with something. Anything.

I like him.

I have a crush on him.

He belongs with me.

But before I could say anything, Jake came into view and I jumped up from the bench.

"Jake," I said.

He was walking alone, a backpack slung over one shoulder as he moved around looking more distracted than I ever saw him.

When he saw me, he jumped, his face turned pale and his eyes skittered away, "Nate, what's up?"

Ian looked between us with a strange expression on his face that I couldn't place.

"I'll see you later, then," he said, then walked away towards his car.

Jake stared after him before he said, "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you," I said, my feelings on Devin and our 'talk' rushing back to me like a wave of some incurable disease.

He sighed, "Let's go to my dorm."

We walked silently together as I racked my brain for something to say so that it wouldn't feel so awkward being around him. We got to the wooden door and I realized it was too late.

Jake unlocked the door and nodded for me to go in.

"I talked to Dev." I said, as soon as the door shut behind us.

"And?"

"He brought up sex and I just...couldn't do it. Jake, he's happy. I should be okay with that, why am I not okay with that?" I choked, my eyes burned as I tried to prevent myself from crying.

"You've liked him for years, Nate. You can't get over him so quickly, you know it doesn't work like that," he said, stressing out each word after the other . "Once you know you want someone, it's hard to change your mind about it."

Was he talking from experience?

I quickly pushed the thought away. "I lied to him. I'm his best friend and I betrayed him."

"That was a mistake and you know it. Everyone makes mistakes, once you own up to him, tell him the truth...I'm sure he'll forgive you," he said.

"I hope so."

"If he doesn't then he's not as great as you say," he said.

I wanted to disagree, I wanted to lunge at Jake and punch him for saying that.

I stopped myself, I wasn't ready to lose someone else.

"Thanks," I managed to mumble.

Jake shrugged, "I should charge you for doing this."

I punched his arm, "Shut up."

He managed a small smile, his lips tugging to the side.

He kissed me, I remembered.

Me.

Why would he do that?

I couldn't stop thinking about it, over and over again.

"Jake, I-"

I stopped myself.

"What?" He frowned.

"Nothing," I muttered, staring down at my hands.

"Something else is bothering you," Jake said.

"Damn your psychology major," I cursed.

He sat on his bed and I sat beside him, feeling him shift closer to me.

"What is it?"

I looked up, then sucked in a sharp breath as I met his hazel eyes that were weighed down with worry. His emotions radiated off him, a wave of warmth and comfort.

He was sitting way too close to me, I realized.

But I didn't feel bothered by it. Not like I thought I would.

His eyes roamed my face, searching for something I knew he wouldn't find. They stopped by my eyes, scrutinizing me, reading me.

"What are you thinking?" He ask, his jaw clenched as if he was frustrated.

I didn't know what to say, my throat tightening with nerves.

His eyes wondered down my face.

Down.

Down.

And down.

Until they stopped at my lips. My lips. The ones he kissed.

He leaned forward and I felt my eyes widen.

"What are you doing to me?" He whispered, sending a shiver down my spine.

I frowned, my heart speeding uncontrollably.

His eyes fell shut, his arms supporting his weight as he leaned closer to me and I caught a whiff of his cologne.

His soft lips pressed against mine and I froze.

I didn't know what to do.

It felt as if my entire body was incapable of action, I couldn't even use my hands to push him off of me.

His body moved closer to me and I almost gasped as his lips pressed harder against mine, begging me to kiss him back.

Screw it.

I was tired and sick of wishing for someone I could never have.

So I did the only thing I could.

I kissed him right back, with one hand against his cheek as I tilted my head up so I could really feel his lips on mine.

I cleared my mind and just concentrated on his lips, his body. Him.

My heart pounded against my chest.

What are you doing?

My mind yelled at me to stop but I've craved another's touch for too long. I wanted to be cared for for a long time and the opportunity was right beside me.

Jake's hand fell over mine as his fingers interlocked with my own, his head tilting as my lips moved along with his.

He pulled back first, his lips pink and slightly swollen.

"I-I..." He looked like an adorably confused puppy.

"You kissed me," I blurted without thinking.

"I know, I...," His lips kept on moving but he didn't make a sound.

"While you thought I was sleeping," I finished.

His head snapped up, his eyes meeting mine sharply.

"Nate-"

"Just...please tell me why," I pleaded.

His eyes moved so they were glued to the floor. His hands were clenched together so tightly that the veins on his arms popped against his skin.

"I don't know," he said, his teeth clenched together.

"You don't know," I repeated.

"What do you want me to say, Nate? I kissed my gay friend twice! Twice, damn it. I've never been so confused in my life," he said, angrily.

His eyes blazed with fury, and I couldn't even say anything. It was like I was frozen in time and all I could do was look at Jake and do nothing about what he was going through.

"What if I'm gay?" he whispered, his eyes cast away in deep thinking.

I felt myself giving in, my heart yearning for him. I hated seeing him so hurt and confused.

"Jake, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pressure you into this. I was confused too, you were suddenly acting so weird around me, I didn't know what to think," I said.

He shook his head, placing it between his hands. "I need time to think."

I nodded, understanding. I stood up and grabbed my things before heading towards the door.

"Call me, okay? This doesn't change anything," I said.

He just nodded silently, and I left his room, closing the door behind me.

I walked back to the parking space and slowly got into the car.

All I could think of was whether Jake liked me, or if he was just curious and I was there at the wrong time.

But was it the wrong time?

I shook my head. I didn't like Jake, no like that. Sure, he was attractive and all. He was smart, funny, fun to hang around, but he wasn't Devin.

It hurt when all I wanted to do was talk to Devin, but I couldn't. I didn't understand why, we were the same people we were before but something had changed.

And I hated it.

~

"How are you feeling?"

I sat at the café nursing a warm mug of tea in my hands as Tom sat in front of me worriedly.

"Confused," I sighed. "Tom, you don't have to do this."

"I'm only trying to make you feel better. What's going on?"

"I don't know! It's like everything is jumbled up again. I finally started to accept Dev and Ian being together, and now this happened. I just don't know how to feel about it," I confessed.

"Then...don't," he stated.

I frowned, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I used to think the same way when I started seeing my first boyfriend. I didn't know I could share those kind of feelings with another guy, it was...tough. But I taught myself to stop thinking of how weird it felt, how I didn't understand my feelings. I just stopped thinking about it and focused on feeling, living in the moment," he said.

"What are you saying?" I asked.

He sighed. "I'm saying, maybe it's time you leave your feeling for Devin behind. Jake is a sign that there others open for your affection, that you can be with someone else."

I smiled sadly. "I need more time."

He nodded, "I know. And I think you should take some time alone, to think through things. Spend a few days on your own and think of yourself and what you need."

"Thanks, Tom. I think I needed to hear that," I said honestly.

He smiled, "I'm glad I could help."

He was soon called in to the kitchen to help out, and I found myself staring blankly at the window where raindrops slowly trickled down against the glass.

I tried repeating what Tom said, over and over again in my head. I had to get over Devin, it wasn't even a choice anymore. He was dating someone else: Ian. They were happy together, they made each other happy.

Devin was happy.

Why couldn't I just accept that and let him go like anyone else would?

So that happened...