The squeal of my mother still resounds in my ears.

She's so excited to see me bring home the baby that she's made sure to take an early finish from work so that she can be home when we arrive.

I'm convinced that she's going to have a heart attack when Ferne goes into labour and actually births a real life child, not just a squishy thing powered by a battery pack that needs charging every couple of weeks.

I've not spoke to Elijah since I found out he's a big fat liar. Of course, things are going to have to change now, considering we're parents. Ugh, the injustice. Mrs Ford plans to designate us our child today in our childcare and development class, which is just before lunch, giving us time in school to adjust to the addition and make sure there are no issues before the weekend comes.

I'm not sure why I accepted to have the first weekend with the robot, a lapse of judgement it seems, but when I confront Elijah about it at the beginning of this lesson, he assures me that he's made himself completely available for when I need him to come to the rescue. I'd rather suffer the torture than give him the satisfaction of me needing his help.

"Congratulations, it's a girl." Mrs Ford muses, with a practically audible smile. I shoot her a deadly look before I take the baby from her, cradling it awkwardly. It feels completely ludicrous to treat this very not real baby like it's completely alive, but I reckon carrying it like a football will do little for the point monitoring system. "She's set up ready to go; here's your goodie bag," she says, handing a large pink satchel bag to Hendrix.

"Suits you." I scoff as he strings it over his shoulder, looking at the bag in distaste.

"I'm in touch with my femininity." He returns, firing me the middle finger.

"As I was saying," Mrs Ford continues with strain, "there are nappies, clothes, bottles. Everything you need. If you need any replacement teats for the milk bottles, find me as soon as possible. They're specially designed to make sure that it acknowledges each feed."

"Don't worry miss," Hendrix says with a smug grin, "we've opted to breast feed." I turn to him with narrow eyes, raising my hand to punch him, but when the baby makes a strange gargle of discomfort at my jolty movements, I pause.

"Good luck guys. Off you go." Hendrix and I leave a gleaming Mrs Ford, him carrying our supplies, me the baby, as I awkwardly rock it to keep it lulled.

"Fix your face; you look like you need to take a shit." He scoffs.

I grimace slightly, looking down at the child in my arms. "It's just so weird!" I tell him. "It's like pretending your hairbrush is a microphone. Does the job, just doesn't feel right." He rolls his eyes but nods all the same.

"I'm just upset that we've got a child without the fun of actually making one." He sighs, feigning misery.

I give him a wide eyed look as we turn towards the cafeteria. "Careful Hendrix; sounds as though you've got the hump because you couldn't get the hump. Never going to happen."

"More your loss than mine Osborne." He retorts smugly.

I scoff doubtfully. "Men with big egos are usually overcompensating." He fires me a deadpan expression to which I smile sweetly.

We enter the cafeteria which is already bustling. I keep my eyes on the baby, making sure she doesn't stir with the rather rapid change in noise. She's still making sounds, but she's not unsettled, thankfully. Of course, I speak too soon, barged in the shoulder by someone from the younger year, sending me stumbling. Hendrix takes a hand to my shoulder to ensure I'm stable before turning round and bellowing in disgust, "Watch the baby, prick!"

She's properly crying now, and I groan, shuffling her so that she's over my shoulder, head rested in the crook of my neck while I rub concentric circles on her back, cooing and shushing to settle her. Just across from us, sat at a table are Seb, Collins, Alena, and Jack, Hendrix's right hand man, all grinning like buffoons.

"Lookie here, it's Mr and Mrs Nemesis." Alena says sweetly, earning an equally harrowing glare from both Hendrix and myself. We sit next to one another just beside Collins, opposite the rest. "And whose this?" She asks over the baby which is now screaming bloody murder in my arms. "Lucifer?" She suggests.

I scowl at her; how dare she disrespect my child. Still, I groan when I move her to another position, bouncing her and rocking her which seems to only spur her on. "Holy hell, is it meant to sound like that?" Jack asks over her screams. I scrunch up my face in agony as I bring her closer to my chest.

"Maybe she's hungry?" Alena offers. Hendrix shakes his head and continues to explain that someone who he calls a 'cock sucker' bumped into us.

"Shush baby, come on." I coo, bouncing her again and I hold her against me and swivel slowly. In response, I'm sure just to piss me off, she screams even louder, over the ruckus of the cafeteria, pulling some rather disgruntled looks our way.

"She's certainly got her mother's attitude." Hendrix says through a grimace as he watches me.

"Oh, sorry!" I say through a mocking laugh. "Go for it then dad, you try!" I thrust the baby to him, and he rocks her awkwardly, not at all ceasing her outrage. "Not so easy, is it, daddy Hendrix?"

"Stop trying to prove your point and look in the bag for a plug!" He seethes, cradling the baby in his arms, bouncing her just like I had. I scowl and begin rifling through the pink satchel, locating a small dummy with a magnet on the end which I place over her lips, instantly stopping the crying. I breathe out in relief and rest my head against Hendrix's shoulder, eyes closed as I promise to never take silence for granted ever again.

We're interrupted when those around us burst into fits of laughter. Alena laughs so hard that noise eventually stops leaving her and she's sat, gasping for air as she wipes away tears. Seb is turning red in the face as he tries to choke back his snorts and both Collins and Jack are equally obnoxious.

"Think this is funny?" I snap at them all. "If you wake her, you're all on auntie and uncle duty." I warn, pointing at them all accusingly. The laughter ceases as quickly as my devil daughter's cries did.

~

Much to my surprise, Hendrix offers me a lift home. I immediately refuse, obviously, still pissed at him for lying to me about the party, but eventually I concede, deciding I'd rather the baby scream in the confines of the car than on the street, in public.

In fairness to her, she's been exceptional since lunch. She woke once for a feed but with a 'full stomach' she was quick off to sleep once again. Of everything, I've had the most fun with dressing her in the grows Mrs Ford has provided us with, making sure her little cute toes are all snuggly and warm. I'm maternal, sue me.

"She needs a name." Hendrix says through a sigh, turning down the radio so it's merely a hum in the background of our conversation.

"Sure. Call her what you want." I reply. He seems to take a minute to ponder, pursing his lips as he does so.

"What about Gamora?" I look at him as though he's ludicrous. "Gamora, from Guardians of the Galaxy? She's hot." He tries to defend.

"She's also green." I retort. He groans at me with a shake of his head and goes back to thinking. "Just pick something simple. Like, I don't know, Abby." He scoffs at me.

"You put absolutely no thought into that." He says as though completely disgusted with me. We fall into silence again. "She needs a pretty name. She's a pretty baby." He says. I scoff at him before reminding him that she's plastic. "Play the game Osborne." He snaps at me. I turn my face slightly to hide the smirk. "What about Ellie? I like Ellie."

"Sure, Ellie works." I say. Satisfied, he nods. "Is that one of your real baby names then?" I ask with a slight smile, amused by the idea of Elijah Hendrix having a list of baby names in the notes of his phone. He furrows his brows slightly.

"No. It was my mum's name." He answers simply.

I go to make a remark but pause short, unsure as to whether I heard correctly. He referred to her in the past tense. I decide that frankly, it's not my place to ask why. "This one here." I say as my house rolls into view. He pulls up and just as I'm about to say thank you, he unfastens his seatbelt. "Going somewhere?" I ask him.

"I'm coming in." He answers as though its blatantly obvious.

"No," I say with a tinge of falsified humour. "I don't think you are."

He grabs the satchel from the backseat and opens his door. "I need to make sure I'm sending my little Ellie Bear into a safe environment." He says with a cocky grin. I kiss my teeth and glare at him, but it goes unnoticed. Begrudgingly, I climb from the car, meeting Hendrix on the pavement.

"Look," I begin, taking a rather softer approach. "My mum, she's gone a bit crazy with the idea of me having a fake baby. So, if she's absolutely off her rocker, just, don't take it personally." He nods, pulling a smile that I want to smack off his face. After running a hand through his dark hair, he gestures forward, expressing that I should take the lead.

"Nancy!" I shout out as we walk through the front door, kicking my shoes off lazily. "Your pretend granddaughter is here, along with her painfully narcissistic father!"

"That's rude." Hendrix snaps.

"It's accurate." I retort just as my mother flies around the corner, surprisingly with Ezra in tow. He smiles at me, not before throwing a suspicious glance towards Hendrix.

"This is so exciting!" My mother gleams. She holds her hands out and I thrust Ellie at her, pulling a face at her enthusiasm. I think having five children has sent her insane. "Sorry, I didn't catch your name." She says as she holds out a hand to Hendrix.

"Elijah Hendrix, nice to meet you." He introduces kindly. My mothers eyes seem to widen in realisation.

"Surely not! Oh my goodness look how handsome you've gotten!" I wrinkle my face as I look towards Elijah, trying to understand what the hell my mother is looking at. "Gosh, it seems like only yesterday me and your mum were sat with the principle of your nursery school trying to figure out how we were going to get you and Charlie to get along." She reminisces. "How times change!"

"Yes, big changes." I mutter, absentmindedly taking a hand to my hair which I maintain still smells like smoothie.

"How's your aunt doing? Tanya, isn't it?" Elijah smiles and nods, sitting the satchel off to the side.

"Yes, she's really good." He informs her.

Ezra casts a glance to me, speaking silently with his eyes, asking for an explanation, but I only shrug and shake my head slightly. "Aw, you won't remember me. I'm Nancy! Are you staying for dinner? We're having lasagne." Elijah looks at me, that twinkle of amusement in his sea green eyes that never seems to budge.

"Sure Nancy, I would love that." I scowl at him, folding my arms over my front with an expression so harsh I can only hope it conveys the message that I want Hendrix to die. My mother turns to me, bouncing slightly as if to comfort Ellie.

"I've got your room ready for the little addition. Take Elijah up, he can take some clothes so that she's got something to wear when she's at his house." She explains. I toss my bag aside and shake my head in disbelief at my mother.

"Nancy, you're actually deluded." I hold my hands out. "Give me the child." My mum tuts at me and passes back Ellie before scurrying off into the kitchen. Begrudgingly, I nod towards the direction of the stairs. "Come on then, Hendrix." He follows me as I begin up towards my room.

"Door open!" Ezra shouts from behind us.

Flushing violently, I ignore the toothy grin on Elijah's face and scowl. "Drink bleach Ezzy!" I call back.

Hendrix and I continue into my room and I'm not only surprised at the cleanliness of it, but completely and utterly mortified at how serious my mother is taking this. On my dresser, there is a small wicker basket filled with rolls of blankets, all individually tied with ribbons. Beside my bed, there is a Moses basket, pastel bunting strung around the edges with the hood pulled slightly so that a mobile can hang down. There is even a car seat – a car seat! – and on my bed there are a stack on my old baby clothes, just beside what I'm positive is a photo album of all my most embarrassing baby pictures.

"This confirms it. My mum has lost her mind."