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the feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong

[I.M Changkyun]

I pulled a chair over to Wonho's bed. His room had been turned into some hospital ward. I was almost excited to go to a real hospital, outside of this stupid estate. It didn't matter, I was just happy that Wonho was going to make it through this mess. He had been asleep since the nurse came to give him some form of medication. I had been trying to monitor everything, after all when you're born into a gang you're told to trust no one.

I rested my head against the wall, folding my hands into my lap. I was so tired and it felt as if I had just woken up. Not to mention, I had no clue where Jooheon was. He disappeared this morning and never came back. Part of me knew he was with Seoyeon, I just didn't want to accept it. I closed my eyes, trying to get the image out of my head. I was just so tired.

I was tired of having to hide my pain, my feelings, myself. I looked over at Wonho, he looked so peaceful, almost like an angel. His wounds were covers by blankets, and his hair was a mess on his pillow. He had this slight smile on his face, as if he was having a good dream. He looked so vulnerable, so small. He was probably in some crazy dreamland, and here I was wishing I was too.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help you. I could've saved you, I could've stopped you. I'm so sorry." I whispered the hardly decipherable words. I wanted so badly to apologize, to apologize for real. I let Wonho down. I wasn't enough, I was never enough.

The room fell silent, and I could clearly hear Wonho's steady breathing. I couldn't help but smile, and laugh a bit, I was so sad that it was an instinct to act happy.

I was so caught up in my act that I didn't even notice the door open. And before I knew it two strong arms wrapped around me. I was without a doubt startled, but I soon realized it was Jooheon. I let my eyes shut, it felt nice feeling so secure.

"Kyun, oh my god. I should've been here. I rushed over as soon as I could." He sounded shaky, the complete opposite of Wonho lying next to me.

I stood up to meet Jooheon's gaze. I had so many questions, but no words. I stepped closer to him, resting my head in the divot of his neck. I let my arms hang loose, waiting for Jooheon to wrap his arms around me once more.

But he never did. Instead he placed his hands on my shoulders, moving me back. He kept his hands on me and looked into my eyes. I started to tear up and I could feel my lip quiver.

"Changkyun, don't cry. Stop, no. Don't let your pretty eyes turn red, you're okay. I'm here," I listened to each and every word he spoke, and I believed him. I believed he would never leave. And he reminded me once more. "I'm not leaving."

Before I could respond, he took my arm in his hand and rolled up my sleeve. His fingers traced my 'monster' tattoo, just as Wonho had. He was looking for answers, he really cared.

"Tell me, tell me what I need to do. I want to help you, I'll do anything. Just tell me and I'll do it." I gazed at Jooheon's pout as he pleaded for answers. He had never let go of my hand, I almost wanted to tell him all my thoughts right then and there.

"You can't do what I need." My voice had no emotion anymore, but it didn't stop the stray tears from running down my face. "I think you should just leave, I'll see you in our room. I need to be with Wonho."

"Changkyun-" I shook my head, and he listened. He didn't protest, he didn't even say goodbye. He just left. And I felt both content and upset.

I stared at the door, watching it slowly close. I heard Wonho shuffle in the bed behind me, but I didn't turn around. I couldn't take my eyes off of the door. Jooheon didn't even protest, he just listened. I guess it was good that he took what I said seriously, but he didn't try. He didn't plead to stay. But after all my life wasn't a movie, nor anywhere near perfect.

"What do you need that Jooheon can't do?" Wonho coughed out the words, groaning as he sat up in the bed. I contemplated leaving myself, but I wasn't one to break promises. I didn't respond, though.

I listened as Wonho sighed, and coughed a little bit. I turned around to meet his gaze. He looked as if he had just woken up from the best sleep. He was almost glowing, he was a real angel. He raised his eyebrow, looking for an answer. In response I looked to the ground, interlocking my fingers.

"No way-" I glanced at Wonho and his eyes were bigger than any pair I had ever seen. His mouth could hardly stay closed. "You have feelings for Jooheon!"

"Would you shut your mouth? People could be listening you idiot!" I rushed over to the door, locking it and then ran back over to Wonho. I hovered over him, a scowl on my face.

"Oh my god, you do." Wonho's shocked expression had turned into a giggle. "That's so cute."

I focused on Wonho as he giggled, looking at me. He honestly looked happy for me, as if he thought something was actually going to happen between me and Jooheon. I backed away from him, slinking back into the chair next to the bed. I drowned out Wonho's giggles, and made up my own silly scenarios in my head.

Why was I even playing into this? He'd never like me, yet alone return my love for him.

"Forget about it, and don't you dare tell anyone. Or else I won't be there next time you almost bleed to death." I got up, starting to walk towards the door. I had already unlocked it and took a step into the hallway. I sighed, looking back at my friend. "I'm sorry I didn't mean that. I'll be there for you even if you tried to shoot me. I'm going to go back to my dorm to get some rest, call me for anything."

"I'll call you later, regardless." Wonho chuckled.

"Love you, bud." I sent over a little wave, and Wonho blew a kiss back at me. And I couldn't help but laugh.

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