6 | altschmerz

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weariness with the same old issues that you've always had

[I.M Changkyun]

I laid in my big bed, staring at the ceiling. The room was still pitch black so I assumed it was the middle of the night. The only light came from Jooheon's phone screen. And the only noise came from his occasional sigh. I wanted nothing more than to tell Jooheon how I felt, right then and there. Lately I just had an urgency to do so, I had a feeling things would go good.

"Jooheon..." My voice was quiet, and I almost wished he didn't hear me. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping he wouldn't respond. Each second that went by I felt more relieved.

"What's up, Kyun?" His voice was like honey, and the new nickname startled me. I felt my heart speed up, and my breathing got a little jagged. All because of a small nickname, I could only imagine what other things could do.

"Do you, well have you ever loved someone? Someone you don't think you're supposed to love, almost as if it was forbidden." The words escaped my mouth before I could stop them. In reality, I really did want to know.

I listened as Jooheon shifted in bed. I peeked at him only to see him on his side, looking right at me. I turned my body to look at him. It almost felt unreal, the feeling I got when we looked at each other. His eyes locked onto mine, it was like a movie scene. Was our love made for movie screens? Was there even any love between us?

"I was always curious with my feelings. I still am," He paused, looking away from me. My breathing still hadn't steadied and the suspense made it worse. "There's this person, and they intrigue me so much. I just can't tell them how I feel. It might ruin things."

I opened my mouth just as Jooheon finished his sentence, I was in shock. Not just because there might be someone other than Seoyeon, but because I didn't have a clue about who it could be.

"Yeah. I, uh, really understand that." I swallowed as I finished my sentence. Our situation was oddly similar, forbidden love really did strike everyone.

The room went silent. I watched as Jooheon's shadowy figure sat upright in his bed, staring into space. What were you thinking, Jooheon? I'd do anything to know just a small percent of what went on inside your brain.

"Come here." His voice was demanding, and very formal. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if I was hearing things.

"Huh?" My voice cracked a bit, earning a chuckle from Jooheon.

"Let's stay up tonight. We can watch your favorite show." The statement surprised me, Jooheon never missed out on sleep. Especially for dramas.

"You hate my favorite show." I laughed a bit, imagining Jooheon's face while watching my favorite rom-com.

"I'll sacrifice my well being for you. Just come here."

And that time I listened. I stretched my legs, letting them find their way to the floor. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and I saw Jooheon pull out his laptop. The bright screen illuminated his barely covered torso, I was a bit in shock but continued to make my way over to my best friend. I laughed a little comparing Jooheon's pajamas to mine. He wore grey sweatpants, and a white tank top. While I went full out comfy, with sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt.

I crawled into Jooheon's bed, sitting right next to him. Even though his bed was also on the bigger side, we left no room between us. He had always been clingy, he has been since we were so very young. I had gotten use to it, and was actually able to control my breathing this close to him. It was almost painful trying to erase my feelings for Jooheon, I just couldn't get the fact he was only my best friend through my head.

Both our eyes were on the screen, as different actors and actresses flawlessly played their roles. I was always fascinated by acting, I wondered what it would be like to play another person and escape my reality.

Jooheon wasn't making a sound, which was unusual. He usually made fun of cheesy lines, or romantic scenes. I decided to glance over at him only to see him fast asleep. I smiled, noticing his arm snaked around my waist. I tried to move, pull away from him. But all that got me was a groan from Jooheon. Did he think I was Seoyeon? Oh my god, no this can't be happening.

"Jooheon. Jooheon wake up," I tapped on his arm, shaking him a bit. He didn't budge.

I sighed, closing the laptop and sliding farther into the bed. I tried once more to pull away from Jooheon's grasp but he would not let go.

"Stop, let me sleep..." The sound of his voice was almost childlike. He whined, his mouth turned into a small pout.

"Jooheon, you have to let go of me." I tried not to look at him, but I couldn't help it. His eyes opened and he smiled a bit before shaking his head.

"Changkyun, we're best friends. I'm sorry, but I happen to be very cuddly, stop being no fun-" I couldn't tell if it was just an excuse or the truth. But I listened, lying back down.

"If anything, you're no fun. You said we were staying up all night." It was my turn to pout.

"I promise we'll stay up another night. I'm tired!" His childish voice was back, and I was captivated by his cuteness.

I giggled, I repeat giggled! What was he doing to me? I laid in the bed, Jooheon's arm draped over my torso. He whispered something inaudible, but wrapped his pinky around mine for a few seconds. Another pinky promise meant another real promise, and another great day ahead.

I was happy I had Jooheon in moments like these. And suddenly I wasn't mad at my life anymore, for the time being.

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