the desire to care less about things

[I.M. Changkyun]

I dreamt of my worst fears. All of them thrown at me at once. In the moment I felt suffocated by terror. All I wanted was one more breath, just one and then I'd let go.

I saw Jooheon's face flash before me as his white clothes turned red. Bullet holes pierced his body. I cried and cried, not caring what anyone thought. I rushed over to his lifeless body, falling to the floor next to him. I pleaded for him to stay with me. I called out my love for him, waiting to hear him say it back. Waiting for him to confess to me. Oh, how I was so wrong.

"Changkyun, I'll never love you. Ever..." Jooheon looked me in the eyes, his eyes had turned black. He was a monster. "In fact, I hate you and I always have."

I shattered. I felt my heart break inside me as I watched my family, my gang, crowd around me. All their fingers pointed to me, calling me weak. They looked down on me, disowning me. I was a disappointment. Jooheon still laid on the floor, slowing bleeding out.

"Save him! Somebody help him, please." I begged for someone to help. I wanted so badly to help the man who broke me. I didn't care how much he hurt me, I'd always go back to him. I'd always love him endlessly, even if he didn't want me. I would stay by his side.

"Not everyone can come back, I.M. We need to leave him. He's going to die anyway." Shownu spoke to me with a stern voice I had never heard before. He was a whole different person.

"Shownu, we can't leave him behind. He has potential to live." I could feel the tears pour down my cheeks, but I tried to keep my voice steady.

"Do you think I care? I don't, I'll leave you here too. You were never fit to take over the gang anyway." His voice projected, he was annoyed. Shownu wasn't like this. He turned to walk away. He signaled for the gang to follow him, and they did. Soyou turned around to look at me, giving me a look of pure hatred. What was wrong with everyone?

I turned back to Jooheon, who had a girl hovering over him. His girlfriend, Seoyeon. Her long blonde hair covered her face, she touched Jooheon's wounds. She didn't even notice me.

"Jooheon..." My voice cracked, I was breaking from just the sight of Jooheon.

He looked to me, not showing any sign of emotion. He blinked and a tear ran down his face. But he didn't hesitate to grab Seoyeon's face, pulling her into a kiss. I stood, horrified. He knew how I felt and continued to hurt me.

They finally pulled apart, and Jooheon fell back onto the hard ground. And that was the end. His last moment in life was to hurt me, to make me miserable. And it worked. Why did I love him?

"Jooheon!" I screamed out, not realizing I wasn't dreaming anymore.

Almost immediately he appeared by my side, he looked as if he had seen a ghost.

"Changkyun, what happened? Are you okay?" His voice shook with each word. He cared, but was so harsh in my dreams. It was almost as if my mind was trying to prepare me for the future.

"I just had a nightmare, I'm sorry." I looked down, hiding my face from embarrassment.

"It's okay. I'm not going anywhere." I wanted to believe his words, but part of me didn't. My conscious was taking over.

Why did I have to care so much about something that would never happen?

"Go back to sleep, Changkyun. We don't have to train today. I don't want anymore pressure on you, okay?" His voice was sweet. He picked up my blanket from the floor, tossing it back over me.

I took a deep breath, trying to figure out how I would say my next words. "Jooheon, you don't have to stay with me if you don't want to. Wouldn't you want to see if Seoyeon is free today?"

"I want to stay, I swear I do. I already told Seoyeon I'm going to hang out with you today. It's only the beginning of the weekend, I've got time for everyone."

I exhaled, closing my eyes once again. Seoyeon was a great person, she really loved Jooheon. And of course he loved her too. She wasn't apart of the gang, but she was going to school for forensics. When she finished, Shownu gave her the opportunity to start up her own lab. She was really excited, she always wanted to be part of the family. I tried so hard to hate her, but I couldn't. She was made for Jooheon, she was perfect for him. I wish I didn't care so much about their relationship, but I envied her so much. I wanted to be a supportive friend, and I was on the outside, but I wanted Jooheon to love me. Even if Jooheon would never share my feelings, I was lucky to have him. He saved me. He made me a better person, and without him I would be alone.

I heard a soft snore project from the other side of the room, and I smiled. I looked over to my friend, he worked really hard and deserved time to rest. I sat up in my bed, leaning against my backboard. If I could only have one more day of this Earth, I'd tell Jooheon how I felt. But for now, I guess I have to keep it to myself.

"Changkyun! Go to sleep and stop thinking, you're distracting me."

"How did you even-"

"Go to bed."

I laughed, listening to Jooheon. He's such a dork.