24 | adomania

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the sense that the future is arriving ahead of schedule

[Lee Jooheon]

Changkyun wouldn't talk. He blamed himself for Shownu's sadness. He blamed himself for a baby that he had nothing to do with. Wonho, Kihyun, even Hyungwon had stopped by, but all he does is sleep and train. All without a single word. I tried to get through to him, I needed him. For all I know these few days could be my last with him and he was too busy moping around to even look at me. I was sick of it.

Everyday he came home around ten at night. Then he showered and went to bed. And every morning his alarm went off at six sharp, and he went off to train. Sixteen hours a day he spent trying to make himself better and stronger, when all he was doing was slowly breaking himself apart. Now was not the time to be isolating himself from the family. He needed the gang and the gang needed him. Teamwork was how everyone was going to get through this mission, Changkyun was just ruining that.

There was a soft knock on the door, and before I could say a word Shownu burst through the door. He looked disheveled, he was in no condition to be running a gang right now. But let's face it, the gang was in no condition for this mission.

"I didn't know where else to go. I can leave, I just knew I.M wouldn't be here. Shit, what am I doing? You're his best friend!" His eyes were watery and his hands were bruised. Shownu wasn't like this, he was strong and kind. He looked sad and mean.

"Shownu, I want my family back. Everyone is brainwashed, all they do is train. Chang- I.M is never home, he's killing himself slowly. You're killing yourself over your own wife! No one is ready for this, we have to learn how to calm down and prepare for the worst right now." I looked him straight in the eye, I wasn't scared of Shownu. He was my family, ever since I was little. He was thankful for me, I saved his little brother. I loved his little brother, even if Shownu thought it was just as friends.

Shownu screamed. Yes, he screamed. Then he cried, and hugged me. Lastly he left. Our family was falling apart, this was the last thing that was supposed to happen. Everyone was a mess, and you know what that meant? More people were going to die than necessary.

I closed my eyes, it was the first time in a while that I had actually been able to rest. I was really trying to be strong, I wanted to be strong for the people I cared about. But deep down, no just under the surface, I was broken too. I was scared for the future. I was scared for my friends, my family, my boyfriend.

It was around ten at night and I was just waiting for Changkyun to slowly come into the room, pretending like I didn't exist. I was waiting to watch him enter the bathroom and stay in there for around an hour, only to come out and lay down facing the wall. I never really knew if he was asleep, he never snored. Who knows, maybe he just laid down and stared at the wall. Maybe he hated me, or maybe he needed me but I was too oblivious to notice anything.

Then I heard it, the door creak ever so slightly. I didn't open my eyes, I just waited. He didn't move, or at least I didn't hear any footsteps. It was like he was just standing there, staring into space. Well, there was only one way to find out.

I sat up in my bed, looking at Changkyun. I was right, he was standing in front of the door and just staring at his bed. "Kyun, how can I help you? Please talk to me."

He just looked at me. Not a word, a nod, a noise. I got nothing, he didn't even open his mouth as if he was going to say something. His face was blank, there wasn't a single trace of emotion left. I was sick of it now. I gave up a lot to be with Changkyun, he wasn't just going to get rid of me. I'm not going to keep risking my loyalty to the gang to be with someone who won't even open up to me.

"J-Jooheon, wait. Don't g-get mad yet." He was shaking, his hands could hardly stay still even when they were pressed against his sides. He looked at me for a while, he was catching his breath. "I'm not upset because of Soyou and Shownu. I'm scared, I don't want to lose you. I'm avoiding you. I have this crazy thought in my head that if I push you away, then if I lose you I would hurt less. But I'm just stupid, I'd hurt more. I've been spending our last days being an asshole, when I could've been with you."

I tried to interrupt but he kept going. "I should have never told you how I felt, because I put both of us in jeopardy. That's why I'm training so hard, goddamnit I've been hurting myself too. I'm trying to see how much I can handle before I break. I want to be able to protect myself and you if I need to."

I didn't care if he put my life in danger, though. As long as he was okay, I would be okay. Even if it was in some afterlife that I wasn't really sure even existed. I was going to protect him, whether he knew it or not.

"Hey, Kyun, thank you for telling me. I'll look after myself, I promise. We're both going to make it through this one way or another. Now come here, I missed you." I extended my arms and plastered a smile on my face. I wasn't lying about protecting myself, but that doesn't mean I'm going to forget about Changkyun.

He slid into my arms, nuzzling his head into my chest. All I could do was wrap my arms around him, hold him. The only thing on my mind was the one question that lingered in my head, it was inevitable. His life or mine?

His, always his.

***

last chapter tomorrow

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