to find yourself bothered by someone's death more than you had expected

[I.M Changkyun]

The whole gang was practically in panic mode. No one talked, no one slept, we just trained. We trained until we felt like we could just collapse on the floor, in some cases we did. No one was prepared no matter how hard we tried to be. Some of us were going to die and it was impossible to guess who. All I wanted to know was who I should spend a little more time with before they were gone. But I wouldn't know until they were lying there on the cold, hard floor and begging for someone to save them. Only no one could save them, that'd just get them killed too. Or did it make them a killer as well?

A million thoughts circled around my mind, a million gory pictures occupied my thoughts. I couldn't feel my hands any longer as they lifted and dropped fifty pound weights. Even if I had dropped one on my foot, I wouldn't have felt it because I'm in too much pain already.

My whole body just hurt. It felt like I was being torn in so many different directions. I couldn't eat or sleep anymore, everything hurt to much. My legs hurt, my head hurt, my heart hurt, everything was aching.

"Hey, I think it's time for a break. Come on." I didn't listen to the voice coming from behind me instead I kept lifting and dropping weights, as if that's what I was programmed to do. "I.M, come on. Don't make me get your brother. He'll kill me if he sees your condition right now."

I turned around and fell into Soyou's arms. No one in the gym even looked, everyone was like robots. They were all training like it was the only thing they knew how to do. I was scared, but the feeling had dulled a tiny bit as Soyou walked me to my room. Her eyes were red and her face was sad. But it wasn't about the mission, something had happened.

She stopped right outside the door, she was frozen like a statue. Her hands immediately went to her stomach and she gagged as if she was going to throw up.

"S-Soyou? What's happening?" It took all my remaining strength but I picked up my sister in law and brought her inside.

I had almost collapsed, all my strength was gone. I had trained for days straight and now I was weak. Just carrying Soyou was enough to make my arms starting aching again.

I placed her on my bed before I had fell into Jooheon's. I took a deep breathe before sitting up once more. "Soyou, are you okay?"

She buried her face into my pillow, but it didn't muffle her cries. Her whole body was visibly shaking, she looked broken. She was the beautiful porcelain doll that had fallen off its shelf. I just looked at her, I watched her cry. I felt her pain.

"I d-didn't tell S-Shownu yet." Her voice was surprising loud for someone who was crying, but she was trying her best to stay strong. She sat up and looked at me, wiping her tears. She took a moment to just breathe.

"Of course I want to have a family with him, but now is the wrong time. We have less than a week until we go into combat. I can't be throwing up on the field because of a b-baby." She lowered her head, she was embarrassed.

This gave me strength, I had to hold her and tell her it was okay. I got up and sat next to her, she had started to shake again. "Soyou, does Shownu know you're pregnant? Or does he just not know you're planning to...get rid of it?"

"He doesn't know anything. I'm so scared to tell him. I don't want to see him upset, you know how much he wants to be a dad! But right before the mission...he'd send me away to a safe house. That's not fair for everyone else."

She was right, it was bad timing. But it was something both my brother and Soyou wanted so badly. Just a few days ago Shownu was telling me about starting a family after the mission, things just happened a little quicker than expected. I'm sure none of the gang would mind if Soyou was stationed in a safe house, but I understand how she feels. She doesn't want to be let off the hook, she doesn't want to be safe while her husband's life is in danger.

"I don't want to affect your decision. Whatever you do, I'll be there for you and Shownu will be there too. But please, please talk to him. Whether it's before or after, he should know. And if I know my brother correctly, he'll love you no matter what." I wrapped my arms around her, feeling her new tears soaking through my shirt.

She removed herself from my grasp, getting up. She looked into Jooheon's now fixed mirror, removing any traces of tears. She stood there for a while, just studying herself. Her hands slid over her stomach and she looked down at it with a small smile on her face.

Without looking at me, she began to talk. "People are going to die, I.M. Our family is going to die. Shownu might die for all I know, and that will ruin me. I want to have something of his if he goes, but I could be jeopardizing others' lives. I'm going to protect him, even if it means risking myself. Nothing can get in the way of that, not even my own child."

I stared at her, I wasn't in her position. I didn't know how she felt. But I loved my brother, and I wasn't going to let her die for him. "I'll protect Shownu, I promise I will. I'm strong. So please, just protect yourself. Because if you're gone, half of Shownu is gone too. I won't lose you or my brother."

Both our heads turned to the door as it swung opened to reveal Shownu. His eyes were wide and brimming with tears. He was holding a small jewellery box in his hand, but quickly hid it inside one of his pockets.

"Someone told me Soyou was in here, um, I wanted to talk to her. Anyway I'm sorry for interrupting your conversation, I shouldn't have listened in. I-I'm sorry." His eyes locked with Soyou's, and it felt like the world was falling apart.

I watched as he looked from her eyes to her stomach, the corners of his mouth twitched as if he wanted to smile. But his eyes held all his sadness. He turned around, and reached for the door handle. He held onto the handle as if it was the only thing keeping him alive.

He shook his head, spinning around again. "I would support you. I would give you anything you needed. I know I want a baby, I hope you feel the same. But I understand, I really do. Our mission is right around the corner, and you're right. I might die, but that's not your responsibility."

And with that, my brother left.

***

two more chapters