the intensity of looking someone in the eye, which you can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable

[I.M Changkyun]

My worst dreams flooded my head once more, and all I could picture was a dying Jooheon...in the arms of Seoyeon.

"Changkyun," His voice was a mere whisper and I almost couldn't hear him. "Why aren't you holding me? Why didn't you protect me?"

I wanted so badly to run to him, but I was frozen. My feet were practically glued to the floor. My eyes met Seoyeon's and her glare pierced through me. I watched as Jooheon's clothes were saturated in his own blood, reminding me of Wonho when he had hurt himself. Seoyeon's arms held onto Jooheon without any intention of letting go.

"Why aren't you helping me? Why do I always have to protect you!" Jooheon's voice was now angry, he hated me once more. "I did this for you!"

His hands reached for me, but I still couldn't move. Every time he tried to reach a little farther, it only made his wounds bleed more. Soon blood spilled onto Seoyeon, as she screamed Jooheon's name. Blood boiled out of his mouth, choking him.

"Jooheon!" I screamed and screamed, but I couldn't move.

My screams had echoed to the real world, and I woke up from my nightmare. Without hesitation I quickly got out of my bed and went to Jooheon's. I reached for him, but the blankets just collapsed.

"Jooheon?" I moved the covers off of the bed, only to discover an empty bed. He was gone.

I rushed to the door, not bothering to put on a shirt and forgetting I was wearing pajama bottoms. Once I was in the hallway, I saw him. I saw Jooheon with Seoyeon. One of her arms was wrapped around his waist. It was almost as if she was helping him to be stable, only Jooheon wasn't hurt.

They continued to walk towards me, but I just stood there. I'm not even sure if they noticed me. Jooheon's eyes were on the ground, and Seoyeon's were fixated on my Jooheon.

"Seoyeon?" My voice was a whisper and I wish she never heard me. I wish I could just go back to my room and pretend I was asleep. I wish I had never woken up.

Her eyes darted towards me, and her jaw dropped as she looked me up and down. "I.M? You surely look different."

Jooheon's eyes met mine, and he reached his arms out for me. That's when I saw his bloodied fists, and his puffy eyes. I couldn't help but stumble over to him.

"What did you do to him?" I practically growled at Seoyeon as Jooheon wrapped his bare arms around me. He started to rub on my back, and I felt okay once more. My nightmares had disappeared as soon as I was in his embrace.

"Kyun, I'm fine. I'm with you now, and that's all that matters." I buried my face into Jooheon's chest, forgetting Seoyeon was even there. Well until she started yelling.

"This is your fault I.M! I don't know why you keep finding ways to blame other people. He does this for you! He hurts himself for you." She had ripped me away from Jooheon, and had her finger in my face.

"I don't know who you think you are waving your finger in my face." I pushed her finger out of my face and turned my gaze to Jooheon. "Is she telling the truth?"

He sighed. "Let's go back to our room, okay?"

I nodded, taking his hand and leading him to the room. Seoyeon had just watched the interaction, she was shocked. She didn't actually think Jooheon cared about me, she thought I was an excuse. Nevertheless, she followed us to our room.

"Seoyeon, I think it's best if you go to your own room. I need to be with Changkyun right now." Jooheon wasn't angry at her, he just sounded tired. "You arrived way too early anyway, I can call Shownu if you want?"

She shook her head, and walked away on her own. Jooheon closed the bedroom door, and proceeded to lay down in bed. I sat on my own bed, and just looked at him. Every time he moved he groaned in pain. I wanted to help, but I didn't know how.

"Jooheon, what happened? Was Seoyeon telling the truth, is this my fault?" I felt my eyes water a little bit, but I held back my tears.

He rolled over in his bed, facing me. His eyes were red and puffy, and his fists were still covered in blood. "I was training. I need to be strong, it's the only way I'll be able to protect you. I can't lose you."

My thoughts immediately went to my dream. Jooheon wanted to protect me but ended up getting himself killed. I need to protect myself, I need to grow up.

"No, your job isn't to protect me. You're going to get yourself killed if you're too worried about me." I felt my face heat up, and my heart rate picked up speed. I was getting angry, I wasn't a child anymore. I could handle myself.

Jooheon reached out his arms, and I couldn't help but fall into his little game. I got off my own bed and made my way into his arms. I laid with my back to his chest, feeling every single one of his heart beats. He nuzzled his face into my neck, and I felt his eyelashes brush against my face as he closed his eyes.

He knew how to make me feel safe. He knew how to make me forget about the world. I wasn't worried about death, I was focused on how long I could wait before I turned around and kissed Jooheon. And trust me, I was getting impatient.

"Look at me." Shivers were sent down my back as Jooheon's soft voice echoed into the room.

I listened, of course. I turned in his arms until my forehead rested on his. He smiled and closed his eyes.

"I'm never going to be able to not worry about you. Especially when you're the first person I see in a crowded room. You're the first person on my mind when I wake up. And you are the last person I'm going to let die. So no, it's not up to you. I'll do everything in my power to keep you safe. Now go to bed, I don't want to argue tonight."

I didn't want to argue either. But I wasn't going to let Jooheon get hurt for me. I never meant for me to be so important to the point he'd take his life for mine. I needed him as much as he needed me.

"I know what you're thinking, Kyun, and this isn't recent. Ever since we were kids I felt this way, I would never forgive myself if you got hurt if I could've protected you."

What Jooheon didn't understand was that without him...I had no will to live.