the desire to be struck by disaster

[I.M Changkyun]

I laid in Jooheon's lap, talking about the endless adventures we could possibly go on. "You could take me to all the cute cafes, and then we could walk around downtown and hold hands. Oh, oh! We could see a movie, in a movie theater and not in this stupid estate. We'd have so much fun and wouldn't even worry about being targets, because we would've defeated our rivals!"

"Kyun, you're so cute." Jooheon booped my nose, scrunching his own. He stared at me with stars in his eyes, never mind stars...he had the galaxy in his eyes.

Things had grown silent, and the reoccurring thought of me having to be married to anyone but Jooheon crossed my mind. I sighed and looked up at Jooheon, who was scrolling through his phone. Shownu had talked to me briefly about meeting some potential brides, I just nodded and moved on with my day. It's not like it would be any time soon.

"Jooheon?" He looked at me, humming in response. "What if we took over the gang together? You know, instead of me getting married to someone I'll never love..."

I watched as he gazed ahead of him, he looked out of it. Almost like a robot, he didn't even move. Just as I was about to say his name, he opened his own mouth the speak.

"Changkyun, you know it doesn't work like that." He didn't look at me when he spoke. There was no reason for me to be upset, he was stating facts. "We can wish and hope all we want, but that's not how our gang is run."

If only he could just open his mind to other possibilities, day dream a bit with me. Then maybe we'd be a bit optimistic. Who knows, Shownu could let me run the gang with my best friend, he'd never know I was in love with Jooheon. Not unless I said something. Getting married doesn't symbolize being together forever, it's a temporary bond, so many vows are broken. What me and Jooheon have isn't temporary.

"Seoyeon's joining the gang soon, and she knows-." Jooheon shook his head, as if he didn't believe his own words. And I just couldn't find any words. I didn't realize she'd still be joining the gang.

"I-" There were no words to say, there was no reason she couldn't join the gang. She was fully eligible. "I have to talk to Shownu."

"Talking to your brother isn't going to do anything. He makes the decisions, and this has been a running plan. He can't just reverse-"

I didn't let Jooheon finish his sentence, I was upset. I was scared, she would ruin everything. "Why the hell not? He can do whatever he wants! He runs this gang doesn't he? Do you want her here or something..."

Jooheon sighed. "Changkyun, you know it's not like that. I'm just saying that she's going to join the gang regardless. But she's not going to ruin us, I won't let her. "

I believed Jooheon, I was overreacting if I thought he'd really leave me. There were more important things to worry about than Seoyeon. One of the thoughts that couldn't help but cross my mind was the mission, well people dying.

"Jooheon, about the mission..." I tried to hide all signs of being scared, and I think I succeeded. " What if something happens to me, like something bad, something d-deadly?"

I watched as Jooheon smiled. He placed a hand on my cheek, to then push some hair from my face. "I won't let anything happen to you."

"You can't prevent everything."

"Says who?"

[Lee Jooheon]

I had spent my whole day with Changkyun, but I had to train. He was asleep in his bed, and every time I looked at him his words hit me even more. "What if something happens to me...something deadly." I wouldn't let it happen. I'd do anything to keep him alive, anything.

I made my way out into the hallway without making a sound. I had even piled my blankets up to make it look like I was in bed, just in case Changkyun woke up in the night. I found myself sprinting to the gym, not wanting to waste anytime. I needed to be strong, that was the only way I'd make it through this mission.

When I entered the gym I was alone, no distractions. I gravitated toward a punching bag, I needed to get my emotion out before I hurt myself. I didn't even bother to put on gloves, instead I just kept slamming my fist into the solid surface. My knuckles turned red and started to crack. But I kept going, I couldn't protect Changkyun if a stupid punching bag was going to hurt me.

I didn't even notice the tears streaming down my face, but then again I would've ignored them anyway. My knuckles were now bleeding, but I couldn't stop. Images of a hurt Changkyun flooded my mind, I was doing this for him.

"J-Jooheon?" I pretended not to hear the faint voice that echoed behind me, I didn't need distractions. I needed to train.

I listened as small footsteps started my way, they aligned with the rough noise of my fist hitting the punching bag. I still didn't stop.

"Jooheon, you're bleeding! Stop!" Her hands grabbed at my bare arms, but I quickly retracted from her grip. I even let out a scream. I'd rather bleed to death than be in her arms once more.

Seoyeon flinched as my screaming grew louder. "Get away from me! Why are you here? Get away from me!" She tried to reach for me, but I kept backing away.

She kept repeating herself, saying I was hurting myself. Saying I needed to stop. I knew I needed to stop, but what use would I be if I was weak? Maybe I was no use at all. My sight was blurred from all my tears, and I started to sob. Seoyeon watched me sink to the floor.

My cried were soft, but they were audible. "I need to be able to protect him."

"Jooheon, protecting someone doesn't mean hurting yourself. You're breaking yourself apart. I.M is not your responsibility, he is an adult. You can't give your life to him."

She was wrong, she was jealous. I would hurt myself for Changkyun over and over again. I would kill myself for him.