Lying in bed, I thought about Tim and what this seemed to be doing to him.

Was I driving my big brother crazy, I asked myself ? He acted awkward around me and hadn't spoken to me too much over the past few weeks.

It worried me. He was always so cool, but now, I didn't know what to think. I also knew he intently watched me whenever we were in the same room.

Maybe I should have felt bad about some things, but everyone said I looked pretty and it's a fact that everyone likes pretty things; besides I was starting to really enjoy my new life and I wasn't hurting anyone, was I.

The days passed quickly as I continued to grow in this role. Ma continued to teach me, I continued to become more comfortable and before you knew it, "fall was in the air," as Ma would say.

The days were shorter now and it was still dark outside when I got up in the mornings.

I had a new routine now. Gone were the days of waking up late, throwing on a tee shirt and sweatpants or shorts and stumbling, still half asleep, to the breakfast table at the last moment.

Getting dressed, and "making myself decent," as mom has described it, took a lot of time. There's my morning shower, making sure no hair was growing on my face, occasionally shaving my legs, moisturizing, makeup, and doing my hair, which had begun to consist of a high ponytail or attempting a short braid. Mom had showed me how, but it was still difficult to do, not being able to see it.

Finding something to wear wasn't too difficult. Over the past few weeks mom had received a couple more deliveries of clothes for me, but she had made it easy by ording only skirts and tops that could be mixed-and-matched and well, a few dresses. She also has advised me, for now, not to wear any jeans and in fact, had insisted I hand down all my boy jeans to James.

Once all that was done, while Tim got ready for work and school, I had to prepare his lunch for him to take. He worked at the local grocery store unloading the early morning delivery trucks before classes started.

Then the house needed straightening up, breakfast had to be prepared, the younger boys needed to be awakened and helped to get off to school, and there were lots of other things to do.

By the time the boys were headed down to the end of the road to meet the school bus, I was already exhausted but there was still things to do. Mom's condition was getting worse and she was now spending about 80 percent of her day, lying in bed. I had to check on her, prepare her morning cocktail of meds, make sure she was fed, and then sit with her for an hour or two as she talked to me about life as a woman and taught me everything she felt I needed to know, while insisting I stay busy by repainting my toe nails a different color every day.

This week I was learning to sew by hand so I could; repair the boys jeans whenever they got holes in them,  let out hems when they started to outgrow clothes, and reattach buttons when they fell off. I was also learning how to knit.

Ma's got me working on a sweater for Tim now, and wants me to have a sweater for each of the boys completed before Christmas.

I wasn't going to school this fall. Mama told the school that I had left to live with Pa's brother and his wife (my aunt and uncle) out in California, and gave them an old address of theirs.

My brothers were instructed to also tell people that Kevin  had moved in with our aunt and uncle out in California because I had aspirations of becoming an actor and would be attending an acting school there.

I didn't mind not going to school since I had lots to learn at home and so much to do around the house that I knew I'd never have time for any homework and would probably miss too many days to learn anything, anyways.

If my brothers ever got asked about the new girl living with them, they were instructed to say I was a cousin from back east that had been sent out to help ma out and  take care of them.

I really was taking to my new life, but it was a lot harder and carried a lot more responsibility than I'd ever had to deal with before. Mama always said that women were a lot stronger than men and could make sense of things and handle responsibilities more than most men.

She said most men would never be able to understand, much less be able to handle the responsibilities and demands of the role of a mother and wife.

She told me she had seen those qualities in me and that's how she knew I was destined for this role. She said she saw a nurturing spirit in me and that I was stronger, more responsible, more level headed, and more mature than my brothers, which made me stronger and more suited for this role than them.

But really, I didn't feel any stronger than anyone. Sometimes I felt like everyone was making me do things they wanted me to do, but other times I felt like I was making them do what they maybe didn't want to do.

This struggle raged within me as I continued to lose my male personality and mannerisms and became more and more lost in the role of the housewife everyone needed me to be, and becoming more and more convincing as a girl.

I took care of Ma, I took care of my brothers, I took care of the house, but I never had time to myself to take care of my own needs, never had time anymore, to relax and do anything I wanted to do.

Honestly, I was enjoying my new role and havig fun becoming a traditionally feminine, girly-girl, but even the perfect housewife needs a break once in a while, a chance to let her hair down and have fun.

One morning when I approached Ma's room with her morning meds I over heard her and Tim talking. I stopped just outside the door and listened to their conversation.

"Tim, dear, Kerin hasn't been out of the house in months, well, no further than to hang clothes on the line to dry. She hasn't had anyone do anything for her other than the things I've bought for her, and she deserves a night out. Can't you take her out this Friday? I bought her a really cute dress, but she hasn't yet had any occasion to wear it yet."

I was stunned by her request.

"Are you kidding? Tim asked. "You want me to be seen in public with my brother dressed like a girl?"

"Have you seen your sister lately? I mean really seen her," Ma inquired of Tim.

Before he could respond she called for me, "Kerin, come here please."

Not wanting them to know I was right outside the door, I paused for a moment, before walking in like I didn't know anything.

"Yeah, Ma," I asked as I entered the room.

"Bring me your makeup bag . . . Tim, don't go anywhere."

When I returned, Mama took my makeup and applied just a hint of eye shadow, a wisp of blush, mascara, and a trace of pale lipstick. Then she combed my hair back real tight into a ponytail before quickly braiding it into a fishtail braid.

Finally Mama instructed me to get dressed in my new cherry-red cotton sundress with the white polka-dots and my new red fabric cork-wedges.

When I returned to Ma's room and Tim saw me, his body language told me he liked my appearance and I knew why; because I had seen myself in the mirror. There was no trace of Kevin in my appearance and I really did look cute.

Part of me wanted to go on an outing with Tim. Like I said, I was over due a night out, but part of me was afraid.

Ma, again asked Tim if he'd take me out tomorrow.

"She looks nothing at all like a boy, Tim. Do you see Kevin at all? No, you don't cause Kevin, your brother, no longer exists. There's no way she would embarrass you looking like this, now would she?" Ma asked Tim.

"No, I guess not, but where would we go?" Tim asked.

Oh boy, I thought, what am I in for now.

Mama suggested we go to the traveling carnival in Springdale.

Even though this was about a forty-five minute drive each way, Tim agreed.

I was pleasantly suprised. I couldn't believe my brother had just agreed to take his biological brother out in public dressed as a girl.