If it makes you less sad,
I'll move out of the state.

You can keep to yourself.
I'll keep out of your way.

And if it makes you less sad,
we'll start talking again.
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.

I'll grow old and start acting my age.
I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.

A crown of gold.
A heart that's harder than stone.
And it hurts a whole lot,
but it's missed when it's gone.

Call me a safe bet.
I'm betting I'm not.

I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes,
you can forget.

The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot
Song & Lyrics by: Brand New

***

Misery Loves Company

By: theinkslingerr

Track 32: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

"Whoa, he's almost as good as Dom," Sienna breathed incredulously. She looked up at the ceiling. "Please do not smite me, oh gods of rock."

I would've laughed if I wasn't so enthralled by what I was seeing; which was Josh behind a drum kit in the corner of Beechmill High's music room playing his black heart out.

OK, it probably wasn't black anymore, but what did you call a reformed black heart?

Gray?

A work in progress?

God, I couldn't tear my eyes away. Every frenzied bang of a drumstick, each clash of a cymbal reverberated throughout my frame and kept me in anticipation of the next thunderous sound. I didn't know if Josh was drumming to his favorite song or making it up as he went. I just knew I'd never seen him like this before; eyes closed, arms pumping, lost in a blissful cacophony of his own making.

For some reason, I suddenly felt like I was caught in the undertow of a powerful wave. Thoughts of him shoving my face in that puddle, along with the other horrible things he'd done resurfaced and overlapped with the times he'd helped me. Hot sauce balloon ambushes, cushioning my fall down concrete steps, placing thumbtacks on my chair, saving me from getting trampled to death...

Josh had done a lot. Some good, mostly bad.

At what point did one cancel out the other? When his rights began to out-weigh his wrongs?

Or...were they supposed to be jumbled up like this? I frowned, remembering Paula's words about no one being all good or all bad. According to her, everyone was a mix of the two, and it was up to us to decide whether someone's "good" was worth putting up with their "bad." At the time, I had a feeling she'd been referring to Edwardo, so I'd zoned out. Nothing could sugarcoat how awful of a father he'd been to Enid. Especially since he'd never tried to change.

Not like Josh had.

"Yo Bonham!" Sienna shouted over his shoulder. "Earth to baby Bonham!"

I quit mulling things over to see her standing directly behind Josh. She must have gotten tired of waiting and snuck over.

Josh stopped wailing on the drum kit and turned to face Sienna. He blinked once, twice, three times before coming out of whatever trance he'd been in. His blue eyes darted around the room like he didn't remember where he was or how he'd ended up there. I started clapping awkwardly when I came into his line of sight, causing him to twist back around and grimace into the toms.

Sienna's smile was bright. "Thought you were gonna wear a hole in that thing. But I'm super impressed."

"Did you seriously compare me to John Bonham? I could drum for eight lifetimes and still not be on his level."

"The man definitely was revolutionary...and probably never on time for anything either. Did you forget we were supposed to meet by the main entrance at 3:30? Miz and I wandered the halls forever before we found you in here."

That's right. I'd agreed to volunteer at Beechmill Elementary with Josh.

Why?

Because Sienna had plopped down next to me during the moment of silence that had followed him asking. The minute her lunch tray hit the table, Josh had clammed up and I thought I'd been spared from answering the question until he glanced between me and her. The gears in his head began turning, and I had no idea what the end result would be. His eyes narrowed ever so slightly before asking me to volunteer with him again. "Do you want to go after school?"

Sienna had fixed me with an expectant stare that really put the pressure on. Like everyone else, she knew I'd poured milk on Josh during his first day, so this probably looked like some sort of truce to her. Somewhere in the back of my panicked mind, I knew I was the one putting pressure on myself, but I didn't want to seem harsh and unforgiving in front of a new friend. Especially when that new friend was all about peace, love, and good vibes.

I ended up agreeing under duress.

But it hadn't escaped my notice that Josh's answering smile had been laced with satisfaction.

Had he figured out that people staring at me caused me to make snap decisions I later regretted? Or had he known since elementary school and just chose to cash in his chips now?

Regardless of how or when he'd acquired that knowledge, he'd gotten his way and it dawned on me that even though Josh had developed pleasant qualities, some of his old faithfuls like manipulation and control still lurked underneath the surface.

It made sense, because it was nearly impossible for someone to eradicate all traces of their old personality. The jarring revelation just hadn't done anything to dampen the fear curling in the pit of my stomach. The same fear that struck now as I watched a sweat-soaked Josh apologize to me and Sienna. "Yeah, sorry. Lost track of time. Once I change shirts, we can get going."

A few minutes later we were standing in front of the pristine white Acura Sienna frequently borrowed from her mom. Josh had changed into a long-sleeved green shirt, and was just staring at the car with a strange expression on his face. He was holding a skateboard I'd seen him ride a couple of times, and his grip was so tight his knuckles turned white. "Beechmill Elementary's only 20 minutes away. Save your gas. We can walk."

"Are you kidding? It's chilly, and you don't even have a jacket." Sienna was already sliding into the driver's seat and turning on the heat. "Don't worry about gas. That's what parents are for."

Josh climbed into the backseat without further delay and remained quiet for the majority of the ride. Even though it was chilly, it was a beautiful autumn day. The cloudless blue sky seemed to stretch on forever, only interrupted by flocks of birds heading south for the winter. Sienna chatted animatedly as a slow Blue Vendetta song played in the background. I tried to focus on the lyrics and not the tension that enveloped the car the closer it got to Beechmill Elementary. Occasionally, I'd catch a glimpse of Josh's face in the rearview mirror. His mouth was a thin line, and his freckles appeared stark against his pale skin.

When we pulled to a stop in front of the building that had been the setting of many nightmares over the years, I grabbed the Acura's door handle and squeezed. I was sixteen now, so Beechmill Elementary was supposed to be smaller than I remembered. I was supposed to see it and laugh at my ten-year-old self for being afraid to step foot inside.

Isn't that what usually happened when people finally came face-to-face with their past?

But as I stared at the sprawling one-story structure, the last thing I wanted to do was laugh. I wanted to go home.

"Hey Josh," Sienna said. "Could you give us a minute?"

He arched a crimson brow, but got out of the car anyway. "See ya."

Sienna smiled, waited until the door shut then turned to look at me. "What's your beef with him?"

Oh, he kinda tried to kill me when we were younger...

I shook my head. Definitely couldn't say that. "There's no beef. I just...thought he was someone else."

She looked surprised. "Man, who'd you think he was?"

"Some messed up kid I used to know."

And it was technically true. I'd thought Josh was the same monster that had tortured me throughout elementary school, but he'd turned out to be a different person.

"OK," Sienna murmured, nodding. "The animal shelter Mrs. Mayer assigned me isn't too far from here. I'm gonna text my partner to see if he wants to rack up a few hours. If you need me, text me but...I think it's cool you guys are trying to put this misunderstanding behind you."

"Yeah." My chest felt hollow. "Well, have fun at the shelter."

Waving, I slipped out of the car and tried to smile as she drove away.

"She drives like an old lady," Josh said after a few seconds. He'd been waiting at the curb, thumbing through his phone.

I sighed in exasperation even though he was right.

"Ready?" 

I was far from it, but followed him through the double doors without a word. The second we crossed the threshold the air felt different. It felt like there were magnets hidden in the ceiling and my shoulders had metal in them, because they hunched up and stayed somewhere around the vicinity of my ears as Josh and I made our way down the colorful hallway.

"They painted," Josh observed in a flat voice.

I didn't notice at first, but I guess they had. What was once an off-putting greenish color was now a sunny yellow. The perfect backdrop for the student art that lined the walls, and the educational posters about safety and health. Despite the bright atmosphere, the dark memories were still alive and well. This was where I'd felt the most alone, confused, and scared. This was where I'd first learned I wasn't normal; that my parents had named me after a word that meant suffering and distress while other kids' names were synonymous for love, joy, and hope. That little discovery had me pretending I couldn't read for a while. I hadn't wanted to acknowledge it.

The balls of my shoulders grazed my earlobes as tension continued to hold my body captive. I wanted to be smaller. I wanted to sink into the floor.

I stared between Josh's shoulder blades, willing the bad memories to go away. He wasn't that kid anymore, but it was hard to see him as anything else in this building.

He suddenly turned around, the look in his eyes unreadable. He clenched his jaw and turned to look ahead again, picking up the pace. He had long legs, so I struggled to keep up. Did he even know where we were going? I sure didn't, and I wasn't the one who'd moved across the country.

"Hey, um...do you know where they're holding the program?"

"When I called the office, they said it was in the cafeteria," Josh replied stiffly.

"OK...do you remember where the cafeteria is?"

"Course not, it's been six years. Plus they've moved things around since then." A mild irritation had crept into his tone, but I heard him clear his throat, and the next words were spoken evenly. "The lady I talked to gave me directions."

I nodded even though he couldn't see me and stared down at my sneakers. I started counting steps to distract myself. One, two, three, four, five...why the heck am I doing this again?

Josh's legs rounded a sharp corner, and I followed only to crash into his back. I finally looked up and around him.

Jessica Paoli stood there in all her glossy raven-haired beauty, and I reared back on instinct.

What were the odds she'd choose the same exact day and time as us to volunteer?

"Hey," greeted Josh.

She frowned, dark eyes flickering from him to me slowly. For the past few weeks she hadn't antagonized me directly, but I knew she was still behind some of the nastier rumors that were circulating the school. It was a little confusing, because undercover bullying had never been her style. As the milk-filled condoms demonstrated, Jessica's tactics were usually creative and in-your-face. Literally.

Why had she changed all of a sudden? Not that I was complaining, it was just...unlike her.

"I'm not here to volunteer with you guys," she said quickly. "I...um...forgot something yesterday, and had to come back to get it."

I wanted to pump a fist into the air and shout with joy. It was the best thing I'd heard all day! Simultaneously dealing with Josh as well as my old memories was already proving to be challenging. Throwing Jessica in the mix would surely land me in a psych ward.

"How're the kids?"

Jessica's eyes narrowed further, like she didn't understand why Josh was speaking to her. In fact, the longer I studied her body language, the more I realized how uncomfortable she was. "The kids are annoying," she bit out. "And so is the teacher running the stupid program. We play a lot of games and do a lot of exercises that don't make sense. Stuff that won't help them when they get to high school."

"You mean you didn't show them how to fill up condoms with skim milk?" The words slipped out before I could stop them, surprising all of us. I swallowed as anger washed over Jessica's face, all too aware of Josh's weak attempts at stifling his laughter.

"Whatever. You know it's the truth," Jessica snapped, walking past Josh. She stopped next to me. "That's why you're mad. Those exercises won't help them just like they wouldn't help you now."

I glared at her, and she made sure to bump my shoulder before disappearing down the hallway.

Josh's expression had gone icy when she'd shoulder-checked me. He watched her retreating figure with something akin to malice, but it vanished when he looked at me. His whole face softened. "Skim milk? What, did you taste it or something?"

"She hit me in the face, so yeah, some made it into my mouth." Just like some of the hot sauce from the water balloon he'd launched at me had made it into my eyes. My brow furrowed and his face began to harden again. I shook my head. No. I told myself I wouldn't keep doing this. The past was the past— even though I was presently in the middle of it. I gave Josh a tentative grin. "Besides, Jessica wouldn't be caught dead drinking whole milk. Unless she knew for sure it was going straight to her butt."

Josh burst into a hearty chuckle, the gap in his front teeth on full display. I smiled, and together we made our way to the cafeteria.

Out of the many tables in the cafeteria, only four were occupied. Kids that didn't look like they had anything in common were seated together. Some looked like they got bullied, some looked like they did the bullying. It was like a weird elementary school version of the Breakfast Club without the weed but the same amount of cursing. The teacher running the after school program was named Mrs. Faulk. She looked like she was in her mid-thirties and said everything in a cheerful, booming voice like she could lift the mood of the room through sheer force of will. Jessica had been right, Mrs. Faulk's energy was a lot to deal with, but her brown eyes were kind and she seemed really passionate about ending bullying. She marked me and Josh present, then took attendance of the kids.

"Hmm...Corey seems to be missing again. Misery, could I task you with looking for him? He's usually either on the playground or in the library under a table," she explained.

Under a table? Great. That wasn't weird or anything.

With a subdued sigh, I trudged out of the cafeteria to start my quest (one that I'd probably get lost on) and found a scrawny little boy leaning against the wall right outside of the cafeteria.

"Who're you?" he barked, offended by my very presence. He had close-cropped brown hair, pale skin, and what looked like a perpetual scowl.

"Uh...are you...Corey?" Sure he was just a little kid, but I was taken aback by his intensity.

"A child molester just moved into my neighborhood, so my parents don't want me to tell strangers my name."

The loud declaration echoed throughout the empty hallway, and I almost lunged to put a hand over his mouth before realizing that was probably what a child predator would do. So instead, I leaned forward and tried to talk some sense into him. "I'm not a...a child molester," I whispered fiercely. "They wouldn't let me near schools if I was."

"Lots of unconvicted child molesters get jobs around kids."

I stood ramrod straight, hoping everyone in the cafeteria wasn't hearing this. Who the heck was this little brat? And why was I even arguing with him? I was the adult. Sort of. "Listen, Mrs. Faulk wanted me to look for you."

"OK," he said blankly.

I huffed impatiently. "So, come on then. Everyone's waiting."

"Your hair's weird."

"Uh huh," I said through gritted teeth. I yanked open the door. "In you go."

Mrs. Faulk gave Corey a look when he came in, and he met it with a defiant raise of his chin. When he sat down at a table, all the kids stopped talking and slid away.

I glanced at the giant clock at the end of the cafeteria. This was going to be so much fun.

The program lasted an hour and a half, and focused on four themes: acceptance, teamwork, empathy, and responsibility. Mrs. Faulk encouraged the kids to think about these themes by showing them videos and having them participate in various activities.

Josh and I passed out workbooks and helped Mrs. Faulk split the kids up into smaller groups whenever the activity called for it.

Corey remained generally disruptive through the whole thing; mocking the activities and convincing other difficult kids to do the same. Any kids enjoying the games and discussions were made to feel stupid by Corey and his gang, and soon getting them to participate was like pulling teeth.

I had to keep reminding myself not to glare at Corey whenever he said something mean or inappropriate, because he was just a kid. Honestly, what frustrated me the most about him was that he seemed intelligent and perceptive. He read well, had superior communication skills, and could be charismatic when he wanted to be. He just seemed to derive too much pleasure in humiliating people and crushing their spirit.

It reminded me of someone...

A young Josh.

I stared at him as he helped a girl in a hijab complete something on her worksheet. He was a little stiff with the kids, but they seemed to like him.

"Is that your boyfriend?" Corey sneered. His sharp eyes had caught me observing Josh.

"No." I'd learned within the first five minutes of the program that showing any kind of emotion would just incite Corey further.

"I'm gonna tell him that you like him." Corey moved to get up, but Mrs. Faulk glided by and pressed down on his shoulder, forcing him to stay seated.

"OK everyone," she boomed, clapping her hands. "I want you guys to squeeze around these two tables so we can talk about something."

The kids looked confused, but they got up and crowded around the tables closest to the front of the cafeteria.

"Who knows why bullies bully?"

The room got so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. "Come on," Mrs. Faulk insisted. "Raise your hand if you think you know the answer."

The little girl Josh had been helping raised her hand slowly. "My mom said it's because they're scared."

Mrs. Faulk nodded. "Your mom's right, Haveesha. They're scared because they're usually victims themselves."

"Victims of what?" A boy who'd been disrupting the activities with Corey challenged.

"It depends. A lot of it has to do with how