THE POST-SCHOOL HEADACHE had subsided, but my mind was left wondering. I went into action as soon as I stepped one foot inside of the house, because without checking off my To-Do list I would've ended up sprawled on my bed all day. Being without parents was hard, but I took it as an opportunity to get ready for college life.

The whole Evan fiasco didn't help my chaotic headspace. While Liam was off to college and I was left all alone, I tried to work out to unleash the pent-up anxiety and anger. My motive was indeed fulfilled—with sore limbs and sweat lingering on my body like superglue—my mind did get eased, but not to an extent I would've liked. Evan Parker might have just mastered yet another art: the art of consuming every thought which went inside my head. It was pitiful, to say the least, how his little actions and smiles swarmed in my head, rent free.

I groaned and got myself a glass of water. While I downed it like I had been thirsty for several years, my phone reverberated on the kitchen slab—all while humming an annoying ringtone in a harsh cacophony. I had put it on silent yesterday.

Mom was calling.

An unconscious smile graced my lips, eyes bright and hands frenetic. "Mom! Hey."

She laughed mockingly on the other end. "Look who recognized me! How delighted I am."

I made a face. "Mom! I'm sorry. I have just been so busy. . ." I've ended up making a couple friends, and one of them is missing. And oh, I was just working out. The regular deal, you know. "School and stuff."

She sighed. A heap of shuffling reached my ears before she spoke again, and I could only imagine the ruckus dad was making. "I get it, bella. Dad and I have been the same. How're you, though?"

Bella. For an Italian woman, that nickname seemed the only way to go. It warmed my heart beyond words, and I shrugged my shoulders as if she could see me. "Like how it always is," apart from the eased nightmares and the bottle of pills I haven't touched in a while, "the same studies, the same bunch of teenagers."

I'm. . .happier.

I chuckled grimly. The line went silent for a few seconds, and I hated not being able to tell how I really felt. I wanted to say, I'm the happiest I've been in the past months, but I didn't. When she blew a breath, I could imagine her lips curling up. "Have you made any friends?"

I grinned. "Yes, ma'am. Is dad with you?"

"He's causing havoc in the kitchen."

"It's called cooking, darling!" a voice resonated farther away, and my cheeks hurt from smiling.

"That's what he think he does," she muttered hotly, and then clicked her tongue. "Anyway, bella, how about the cute guys there?"

I rose my eyebrows.

"Or even girls? To be honest Laura, with the amount of distancing you do with guys, I might just assume you aren't into them."

I choked on my water. "Mom."

She chuckled like her life depended on it. "What? It's comedic, really, how much dating makes you uncomfortable. It's not elementary school, my love. You can talk about it."

She was a parent. I rolled my eyes despite my cheeks heating up. "I consciously choose not to," by the time I had chugged the water in my hand, I was well-composed. "I'm not big on humans anyway."

"True, you'd have to talk to them to let them be interested in you."

I clapped a hand to my mouth, inhumane sounds resuming past my lips. "Mom! Now I get why you call me—to destroy me with your sarcasm. Right?"

I could picture the roll of her eyes, and how she always titled her head to a side cynically at me and my stupidity. "Bella, I just want you to live your best life. Not to limit yourself with what happened in the past—your future needs you."

I tried to retort back the very next second, but the heaviness of her words made me sink deeper into the set gnash of guilt. "I can picture my future," I spoke convincingly, despite my heart chanting how can you, all while taking someone else's? "I have a job which pays well, and a lot of puppies, and oh—I'm finally able to cook without making the fire alarm go off every five seconds."

She scoffed. "You are unbelievable. I'd just have to call Liam to find out about your whereabouts."

I feigned shock, but heat blossomed across my chest like a wild-fire which wouldn't stop spreading. "I get why you two get along. He is all in for the dramatics, and you: for the drama."

I wouldn't have had it any other way.

▂

I hated running. It was safe to say something about my legs wasn't normal since I couldn't last a mile, but seeing how out of shape I was getting—added to the fact that I had to now be the best for the basketball practices—it was just a bare-necessity.

So, I went for a run.

Practices. Under Evan. With sweat piling on my forehead and forelimbs on the verge of breaking apart, he was what came to mind. Of course, all when I was trying to forget him. Liam stood and stared at me questioningly from the living room, and I just sighed.

"Jesus, Laura, where were you off to this time?"

"Off to a concert," I grunted breathlessly, giving him a glare. With the way he looked at me, I could tell he had seen the snarky response coming. "Running, dummy."

He gave me a horrifying look. "Running? Are you possessed?"

He nudged me when I didn't answer. "Dude, I'm serious. You never run."

"Basketball practices start tomorrow," I began, stifling a yawn. How I managed to get exhausted in the evening and never at night was beyond me. "And my stamina is not up to mark."

He looked solemn, brown eyes a pool of uncertainty. "You're back to basketball and not to music?"

I knew that was coming. Liam was the most curious and out-looking, promising to be a shield in front of me; and all I did was shut him out. There was a grayness on his face, the ones which lasted a century worth of tragedies, and I wondered if I had brought that upon him. It's all I ever did.

"It gives me warmth," I pulled my knees up to my face, "the kind I got robbed off of a while ago. And it just. . .it just ties to him, and I know it should make me feel worse, but it doesn't. I think it's just me, Li. . .I am at fault. I shouldn't be able to do this with ease—"

"Hey," he whispered, eyebrows raised. "Don't say that. Why would you? You've given yourself time, Laura, and grief is only supposed to last so long—"

"No," I shook my head. "No way. It's branded, okay? It's not supposed to leave me because that's how it is, Liam. I will live with it, because I did it. I did that to him, and to me."

He held my hand in his, eyes drilling holes into my forehead. "Laura, I thought. . ."

He couldn't finish off his sentence. I smiled meekly, tears threating to spill.

"I'll be fine, I promise," I will try, because trying has been the only trait which lasts. His nose was crinkled, eyes sullen. It looked like he wanted me to stay right beside him, but I didn't. I got up, gathered my clothes, and rushed past the stairs.

Because a major part of me was already gone.

• • •

author's note:

i cannot read my chapters anymore since that'd lead to their deletion, hence i have no idea if this makes sense (i hope it does). let me know what you think! i love you and i hope you're doing well today. you're golden. <3