"Tis absence, however, that makes the heart grow fonder."

Miss Strickland

May 7th, 2187

Ashley Williams

"Good to see you smile again, Ash," said Garrus. "I've been worried about you for the past day."

"Sorry about that," said Ashley. "Ever since I started sleeping in her quarters, I've been having strange dreams."

Garrus cocked his head. "Really?"

Ashley shrugged. "I suppose it just feels weird to be there, sleeping in her bed. Her stuff is still all around."

"Beats sharing a bunk," said Garrus.

"Yea," said Ashley.

"You sure it's just dreams, that all that's bothering you?" asked Garrus.

Ashley considered the Turian for a moment, then realized the obvious. "Joker told you what he said to me."

"Yea, well, you know Joker. In any case, it would bother me," said Garrus. "I'd have my head wrapped in the possibilities, over analyzing everything that was said between us. It's the kind of thing that can drive you crazy if you let it."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to feel," admitted Ashley. "I mean, it's not that I didn't care for her, but I'm just not that way. I don't know why it's affecting me the way it is."

"Ah," said Garrus. "I see, well if it makes you feel any better, I don't think it matters what way you are. Listen, Shepard was alien to me. Understand that humans, well, ah, you aren't very attractive from a Turian standpoint.

You're short and stocky, and dull... I don't mean stupid, but your flesh is flat toned, too smooth. Some Turians, not all mind you, are attracted to Asari because of the texture of their skin, the occasional sheen that's vaguely reminiscent of a Turian, but humans, not so much."

"Are you trying to make me feel ugly?" asked Ashley.

"No, no, sorry, I went off the track," said Garrus. "What I'm trying to say is that someone like Shepard, well, the rules just don't apply. She had a beautiful soul. We were all in love with her in one way or another. She was that kind of person. If she ever propositioned me? I don't know. It's crazy to think about, but how could I not take that opportunity?"

Ashley was surprised. "Is that why you and Tali?" she asked.

"Yea," said Garrus. "Turians and Quarians are perhaps closer in that regard so it makes more sense, sort of like humans and Asari, but it is still strange to most people, and it is not without its difficulties. In the end though, how you are is less important than how you feel in regards to an individual."

"I think I understand what you are saying," said Ashley. "Maybe I'm not being honest with myself, or maybe what I want most is just for Shepard to be alive."

"There's always that hope," said Garrus. "We haven't held a service yet because we don't know for sure. When we get back we should have news, and even then, well... We've been down this road before, haven't we?"

"But it didn't feel real last time," said Ashley. "This time it feels real to me, definitive, the end."

"I think you should pay Liara a visit," said Garrus.

Ashley shook her head. "Oh, I don't think that's a good idea, Garrus. We've never really been on the same page."

"That's all in your head," said Garrus. "I think it will do both of you good. It's times like these that push close friends apart and bring acquaintances close."

"Is that some sort of old Turian proverb?" asked Ashley.

Garrus laughed. "Oh, no, I just made that up on the spot. The thing about old proverbs, is that they're old. I prefer to look at it from a fresh perspective and go with my gut. Granted, it doesn't always work out the way you hope."

"And your gut tells you that I should talk to Liara," said Ashley.

"Exactly," said Garrus.

Ashley considered it for a moment. "Maybe tomorrow," she said. "But I think I'm going to hit the rack early tonight, try to get some sleep."

"Your prerogative," said Garrus. "Speaking of visitations, there's a certain Quarian I'm in the mood to chat with."

Ashley smiled. "I'll let you go as long as you promise to be a gentleman."

"I have no idea what that means," said Garrus.

Ashley cocked an eyebrow at Garrus. "It means behave yourself with Tali, she's like a little sister to me. I feel protective."

"Ah, yes, that I understand," said Garrus. "Trust me when I say, my intentions are only honorable. Now her intentions, on the other hand, are a whole different matter, so I can't guarantee anything, not when I'm defenseless in the face of overwhelming force."

Ashley couldn't find a suitably clever comeback, so she let the matter drop. She said goodnight to Garrus and took the elevator up. When she reached the anteroom between the elevator and the cabin, she paused for a minute, realizing that she would give just about anything in the world to open the next door and see Commander Josslyn Shepard's face. When she finally did approach the sensor, the cabin proved to be empty and she immediately fell back into her gloomy mood.

She fidgeted around with the ship's duty roster for a minute before slipping out of her clothes and sliding into bed. Ashley meant to have the sheets laundered, but in all the activity it slipped her mind. It occurred to her that the bed still smelled like the Commander. She'd never given Shepard's scent much consideration before, but now she was acutely aware of it, or perhaps it was just a trick of her mind.

Ashley curled up with one of the pillows and inhaled deeply. The smell provoked pain, regret, and a deep sense of longing. Sleep eluded her.

____________________________

An hour later Ashley found herself at Liara's door. She tapped the pad twice and waited for the occupant to respond. Worst thing that could happen was that Dr. T'soni might send her away. Actually, that might be the best thing.

The door opened and the Asari looked surprised.

"Commander Williams!" she exclaimed.

Liara was wearing a thin robe of white Thessian silk which barely concealed what was underneath. It would have been enticing under normal circumstances, but in her current state Dr. T'soni looked like a half-naked Asari street urchin from Omega who had been huddling in back alleys with the Vorcha. The robe was worn haphazardly, it was dingy, her eyes were bleary and shadowed by deep navy circles, her skin creased and careworn, but most of all Liara was blue.

It seemed like an obvious word regarding any Asari, but this was different type of blue, a dull, lifeless shade that indicated something was amiss. A cloud of woe encircled her, one that reminded Ashley of a pond of water gone stagnant. In human terms, it could be stated that she had a sickly pallor. It troubled the Lt. Commander.

She was angry with herself. Every member of the Normandy was her responsibility. It was inexcusable to be so caught up in her own problems that she had missed something as crucial as this. No wonder Garrus had given her such a strong push in Liara's direction.

"Liara, are you ok?" she asked.

Dr. T'soni cast her eyes down. "Please come in."

As Ashley pressed through the door, she noticed a distorted sound emitting from Dr. T'soni's intelligence console. Ashley couldn't understand what the Asari could be doing with her communication feeds. There were no com buoys available to receive a signal, and the Normandy's QE network was fried. The room was unusually cluttered, except for the port wall of the cabin.

The VI main processor sprouted dozens of new leads. Cables recently pulled through bulkheads from all sections of the ship were efficiently wired into Glyph. Ashley recognized Tali's handiwork at once. The new cables were routed with precision, bundled with care, and precisely labeled. Most makeshift repairs were a mess, function trumping any semblance of form, but Tali's impressive work would have passed original manufacturing inspection under the strictest Alliance code, and she had done all this in a matter of days.

Liara, suddenly conscious of her attire, made her way to the small bedroom area and slipped into something suitable for entertaining a guest. Ashley stared at the consoles politely. The static buzz continued, interrupted by a muffled voice that sounded like the Commander.

"What are you listening to?" asked Ashley. "What have you been working on that is so important?"

"Recordings from Shepard's last moments on the Citadel," said Liara.

Ashley was stunned. "What?"

"It is difficult to piece together," said Liara. "Glyph has been helping me clear up the signal and remove distortion when he's been available."

"How?" asked Ashley. "I mean, were you in contact with her?"

Liara shook her head. "I used all the tools of the Shadow Broker I had at my disposal. I implanted receivers in her omni-tool and backups in her suit. I had put them in a few weeks before to monitor her biotic use—she was pushing herself too hard these last few months."

"I noticed," said Ashley. "I'm of surprised she let you put them in though."

"I convinced her based on what happened in the past with Sovereign, and then again with Vigil on Ilos. Her old omni-tool was scrambled by Sovereign's signal, but we did record what Vigil said on Ilos," said Liara.

"I didn't know that," said Ashley. "You think that would have proved something to the council."

"Well, she turned her omni-tool over to the council after Sovereign's attack, but when I checked in with them shortly after the Normandy was destroyed, they claimed there was no recording on it," said Liara.

"Bastards!" said Ashley.

"I have a suspicion that something happened to that omni-tool before the council had a chance to hear it," said Liara. "All it would take is one indoctrinated staff member, a secretary, or a technician. At the time we still did not understand the power of indoctrination."

"Or Udina," said Ashley. "I never trusted that man."

"With good reason," said Liara. "From what I gather from the original Shadow Broker's files, I believe it was Udina who gave the broker the Normandy's transponder codes in exchange for information he needed."

"What?" shouted Ashley.

Liara sighed. "It's how the Collectors were able to locate the original Normandy so easily. They knew exactly where to find us. It didn't matter that our stealth system was engaged, the Shadow Broker had passed them the codes just a few days earlier."

"That son of a bitch!" said Ashley. "I wish that he was still alive so I could shoot him again."

Liara smiled at Ashley. "And I would want to be there to see it. If only had I had stumbled upon the information earlier, we might have been able to confront him and prevent the coup attempt. There was just so much to do."

"You did everything anyone could expect of you and more," said Ashley.

"It's why I insisted that Shepard wear the transmitters. We had to be thorough, leave nothing to chance. It would be irresponsible to make the same mistakes yet again," said Liara.

"I understand," said Ashley. "You wanted to be sure."

"Yes, for the next cycle," said Liara. "Had we failed, I wanted as much data as we could gather on how the Crucible might interact with the Catalyst. Also, Admiral Hackett had supreme faith in Shepard, he guessed that she would find a way to get onto the Citadel.

He wanted her vitals monitored, and a way to track her so he could send her assistance. It worked too, he was able to use the transmitter to find her location on the Citadel and broadcast a signal to her. She received his message, she even responded, though he didn't hear it at the time."

"And even if he had, there was no help left to send," said Ashley. "What did you hear, do you know what happened up there?"

"I can't say for sure," said Liara. "I did pick up fragments of an argument between Anderson, Shepard, and the Illusive Man."

Ashley snarled. "That Cerberus bastard was up there with her? How?"

"The Reapers allowed him to go there, I assume," said Liara. "He was indoctrinated. Shepard helped him see it in the end. Once he realized the Reapers were controlling him, he committed suicide so the Reapers couldn't use him to stop the Commander."

"Well I'll be damned," said Ashley. "It still doesn't make up for all that he did, but at least he had a shred of humanity left."

"I suppose we'll never know at what point he started working for the Reapers," said Liara.

"From the beginning," said Ashley. "When you start betraying your own race, breeding monsters, and experimenting on innocents, you are already working for the enemy. Do you remember those poor colonists on Nodacrux and Chasca?"

"I remember," said Liara. "I can't disagree with you."

"Anyway, how did she do it, do you know?" asked Ashley.

Liara appeared to be puzzled. "Do what?"

"Arm the Crucible, how did she manage it? I mean, it looks grim, but if anyone—she might have survived. Garrus still has some hope that Shepard might still be alive."

Tears spilled out of Liara's eyes. "No and no. No, I don't know, and no she is not alive," she said.

Ashley's heart sank. "That's a lot of no's."

Liara nodded. "Shepard was already dying, she'd lost so much blood. When the Catalyst engaged, the transmitter in her armor was destroyed. Tali had secured the backup transmitter in an alloy mesh protected by barriers within the inner shell of the armor. It could only have been destroyed if everything else inside the armor was burned away."

"Oh God, I'm so sorry Liara," said Ashley.

Liara rubbed her temples. "I meant to ask you if we could hold a service before we set out; for Shepard and for Admiral Anderson."

"Of course," said Ashley. "Anything you need, anything you want to talk about, I'm here for you. I'm sorry I've been out of sorts the past few hours. I guess it's all hitting me now."

"What Joker said is troubling you, isn't it?" asked Liara.

Ashley was exasperated. "Crap, does everyone know by now?"

"Well, it was Joker," said Liara. "I would know anyway of course, I am very good with information."

Ashley laughed. "So I hear. I hope it didn't make you feel bad. I mean, I'm sure it was all in the past."

"It was," said Liara. "We talked about it. She never hid things from me. You knew Shepard, she hated secrets. When I first met her, she was still trying to move on from you and she told me as much."

"Secrets get people killed," said Ashley. "She'd say that from time to time. So Joker was telling the truth."

"Of course," said Liara. "Have you ever known him to lie?"

"Never," said Ashley. "Shoot his mouth off, yes, but he always gets out of it. He's good with people."

"I wish I was as good with people," said Liara. "It's always been my weakness."

Ashley struggled to keep any hint of bitterness out of her tone. "You seemed to do pretty good with the Commander," she said.

"Not very," said Liara. "I was, well, I am not exactly the Asari cliché, at least as far as what most people think about us."

Ashley frowned. "I don't understand."

Liara blushed. "Shepard was a very physical person, not at all like the cliché either, that one that humans often say; a lover not a fighter. Well, she was both."

Ashley shook her head. "Sorry, I still don't follow."

"I often disengage," said Liara. "I did not always make myself accessible to her. I was always pushing her away. 'Later', I would say. It was always later. I had work to do, contacts to make. I could tell it frustrated her, even though she tried to hide it. She had a gift, no matter how much pressure was on her, she still knew how to make time for the people she loved. She drew energy from the interactions."

"Yea, I can see that," said Ashley. "She was definitely extroverted, the ultimate leader personality type. God, or I guess you might say, Goddess, pretty much designed her for greatness."

Liara flashed a wry smile at Ashley. Perhaps she found the Lt. Commander's beliefs rather quaint in light of all they had seen, still, she did not argue, she merely changed the subject.

"Yes," said Liara. "We were very different that way. Often, interacting with other people exhausts me. I never quite know what to say or do. Work is easy; looking for patterns, solving puzzles, allocating resources, but people are problematic, especially humans."

"I think she knew that about you," said Ashley. "And she loved you anyway."

Liara sighed. "In spite of my neglect. It is beginning to haunt me. Later, later, I always said later, and now later will never come. If only I had taken just an extra moment, or two, there would be more memories that I could treasure."

Ashley was at a loss. "I'm sorry," was all that she could muster. "Is there anything I can do to help, do you need to talk to Dr. Chakwas? You don't look well. I'm not sure how your people handle grief, or depression."

Liara seemed confused, then her expression changed. "Oh, I see, you think my condition is an outward manifestation of my grief or loss."

"Something like that," said Ashley.

"No, it is entirely physiological, I assure you," said Liara. "It is part of the process, the way we conceive differs from humans. The initial few days are quite dramatic for Asari."

"Say, what," said Ashley. "Are you?"

"I am going to have a child," said Liara. "Shepard is the father, of course."

"Wow," said Ashley. "I mean, father, I don't understand that, but I'll just go with it. But really? A baby?"

Liara wiped tears from her eyes again, and smiled weakly. "Yes," she said. "It is what she wanted, well, she wanted several, but this is all I can do for her now. It was my final gift to her. I think, I hope she understood that."

"Will the child really have some of Shepard," wondered Ashley. "I don't understand how it works."

"It is a mystery, even to my people," said Liara. "And it is debated, but yes, I believe, or at least want to believe that there will be part of her in this child."

Ashley was overwhelmed. "That's great Liara, I mean, not great that she isn't here, but, this is a good thing."

Liara took Ashley's hand. "I would like it if you stayed in touch. You're a human female, an Alliance officer, the second human Spectre, and you were Shepard's friend. It would be nice if she could grow up with an example, someone who is like her father."

"Well, I doubt I measure up to that in any capacity," said Ashley. "But sure, I would love that. Of course I will."

Liara smiled, then moved closer to Ashley. The Lt. Commander embraced the Asari. It wasn't nearly as awkward as she expected. The human contact was nice, considering all she had been through.

'Human contact,' thought Ashley. That was what she felt. It was the same with Garrus and Tali. 'They are not aliens to me anymore.'