"There's nothing wrong with her except she's completely fucked up."

Gary Shteyngart

December 24th, 2187

Subject Zero

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Jack stared at the small box on the table. The last few days had been a blur. She hadn't left her trashed apartment for fear that she might get in trouble again. Her first visit to the bar had been a disaster. She'd nearly killed a man before Gargarin Station Security had intervened. The poor security guards nearly pissed themselves while they drew weapons on Jack and asked her to stand down. They knew who she was, knew her rep, and understood that she could have torn them apart if she wanted to, but Jack stood down, let herself get taken into custody.

They'd released her after just a few hours in the tank—no harm no foul. She was a big war hero after all. The bitch of it was that Kahlee would have heard about it by now and when she returned from vacation Jack was going to be in deep shit. Worst thing about it? She didn't fucking care. She wanted out. It was time to get out. This wasn't working, this normal life that most people have, it wasn't for her. She'd been kidding herself all along.

She was tearing apart her apartment when she'd found the box. It was in a container that held all the spices that Miranda had used for preparing the meal. If Jack hadn't looked in the container before tossing it in the trash, she wouldn't have spotted the one thing that didn't belong.

A piece of synthetic paper was attached to the box with a magnetic clip. The paper looked as if it was torn off a pad that Jack had seen Miranda write on from time to time. It was one of Miranda's little eccentricities that Jack had come to appreciate. She liked to write on paper with a stipple pen. Jack hadn't read it yet or opened the box. She was debating whether it was worth it or not.

"Fuck it," she said aloud.

She pulled the paper away and unfolded it. Several notes were scribbled on it, some were crossed out or blacked out. Jack read through the notes.

Things to say:

Xx xxxx xxx xxxx?

X xxxxx Xx xx xxxx xxxx xxx.

I want to be a bigger part of your life. (maybe, but sounds needy)

I know I'm a severe person, a bit too serious, but I think I want a normal life and for you to be a part of it. Do you think we can ever be normal, especially together? I'd like to try. I've never been good with attachments, but maybe this is a good way to start.

(not terrible, but needs improvement, perhaps more of a personal touch? Try not to make it sound like a speech.)

"What the hell is this?" Jack muttered.

Jack opened the box carefully. Within it was a platinum bracelet studded with a pattern of small rubies on the outside. Rubies were her favorite gemstone, but nobody knew this about her. It was something she had never brought up, not to anyone. How the fuck? Examining the bracelet further, she found that the inside was engraved with a single word: courage. Jack knew enough about jewelry from her years as an outlaw to recognize how expensive a gift this was.

She tried it on without thinking. It was sized perfectly for her wrist. A lot of thought and credits went into this gift. Apparently Miranda had agonized over what to say to her when she presented it. Nothing about this made sense, nothing at all. Why do all this and just leave?

Her apartment intercom buzzed. It was security again.

"I thought I was in the clear," she said.

It was a man. "Uh, this is Officer Pacelli. It isn't about you, Ms. Nought. We picked up a woman in the lounge for solicitation. When we questioned her about what she was doing on Gargarin Station it came up that she knows you."

Jack frowned. "I don't know any fucking prostitutes, at least not lately."

"I see," said Pacelli. "Does the name Felicia Hannigan mean anything to you?"

"Shit," said Jack. "You're kidding me."

"Uh, no ma'am," said Pacelli. "So you know her?"

"Yea," said Jack. "I can vouch for her. What's her bail?"

Pacelli sighed. "We haven't really set it. To be honest, I feel sorry for her. The lady is a real mess. I don't want to release her unless I know someone is keeping an eye out."

"I'll take care of it. I'll be there in a few," said Jack.

'What the fuck is going on?' thought Jack.

As she was headed for the door she stopped in her tracks, realizing that she wasn't wearing anything but a ratty pair of skivvies. How long had it been since she last dressed or showered? She lifted one of her arms and sniffed.

Jack gagged. "Whoa, you are one rank bitch!"

She ditched the underwear in the laundry chute and hit the showers immediately. As she was scrubbing the grime off herself, her mind immediately jumped to the last time she was in the shower. If she closed her eyes she could see Miranda, naked and wet. She could feel their soapy bodies sliding against each as the hot water poured over them. The sensations were strong, the memory so vivid she half expected to open her eyes and... no, Jack couldn't bear to be disappointed, so she kept them shut and re-lived the memory again and again.

Jack realized she'd been with a lot of people in her lifetime—men, women, even aliens. Often it was because someone wanted something from her. Sometimes she sold herself for a favor or quick cash. She'd been raped as well—all part of the life she'd led. The rest of the time she'd just done it because she was bored. She wanted to feel something, anything. Only once did she value the person she was with. At the time she thought it might have been love, she'd even intimated as much to Shepard, but now she wasn't so sure. Did she love him, or did she feel guilty because he died looking out for her?

Maybe it was love of a type, but it was nothing like being with Miranda. What she felt like when she was with Miranda couldn't compare to anything else she'd known, not even narcotics, or red sand, or the way she felt when she killed someone who really had it coming. Being with Miranda was the best thing she'd ever experienced. Jack felt like some emaciated drifter who'd been pulled out of the soup line and wined and dined at the galaxy's best table. After all of that, she couldn't handle going back to starvation.

Miranda was on the same page. Jack sensed it, knew that her lover wasn't faking a single note, so what happened? Nothing was adding up. It all felt... wrong.

The first few days after she read the letter Jack had fallen into a hole. She'd just accepted it as something that always happened to her. She wasn't accustomed to having anything or feeling like she deserved anything, so it all made sense that she didn't get to keep miss perfect, but that was bullshit thinking wasn't it? That's what Shepard would've called it. Shepard taught Jack to believe that she deserved good things in her life.

What was between her and Miranda was so good because it was right, it was something that she'd earned by working through her shit and making a better life for herself. Even Miranda had said so, way back before they'd both turned the corner, back when Miranda was shedding the cheerleader gig, ceasing to be the arrogant Cerberus bitch, and Jack was learning how to be accountable and responsible.

Jack was worthy of all the good things she'd recently received, especially Miranda. She wasn't going to let the old demons shit all over it and convince her that she was better off alone and angry. She didn't want to be that person anymore. She wasn't a psychotic biotic, she was a damaged young woman trying to heal herself. Jack wanted respect, love, and everything that came with it. She deserved it, and for that matter so did Miranda.

Was that it? Had Miranda put herself in a bad place and let the past get to her, just as Jack had done for the last several days? Had she convinced herself that she didn't deserve to be happy? Had she done something stupid, gotten herself in trouble with the Alliance, put herself in a bind, or fucked up in some way? Maybe she was trying to protect Jack. It had to be something like that, something that made sense.

'Faith,' that's what Shepard would say. 'If you have something good, believe in it, fight for it. Do whatever it takes to keep it—even if that means letting it go awhile.'

Jack pressed her head against the wall and let the hot water roll down her back. Again, the vivid memory of that night rolled over her. She could feel Miranda's clever fingers finding every vulnerable spot on her body, that freakishly agile tongue tickling the roof of her mouth, that round, perfect ass grinding into her pelvis, and those soft, fantastic tits slipping across her soapy back.

She opened her eyes and whispered into the billows of steam. "I want you back."

Jack snapped back to reality, shut off the shower, toweled and dressed. She felt human again. She was back in charge and ready to deal with someone else's bullshit for a change. Maneuvering her way through the disaster zone she'd created, Jack was out the door and on her way.

She reached security fifteen minutes later. Pacelli was at his desk talking with another officer. A familiar woman stood nearby, sulking. As soon as she saw Jack, she stood up a little straighter and tried to collect herself. Kelly Chambers was a shadow of the woman she used to be. She looked, damaged, for lack of a better word.

"Ms. Nought, I was beginning to worry," said Pacelli.

"Sorry, running a little behind," said Jack.

"You look better," said Pacelli.

"You know, moving through a rough patch and all that shit. Hey, thanks for being cool with me the other day," said Jack.

"We've all been there, Ms. Nought. Speaking of, I'm releasing Ms. Hannigan into your custody. I want her to stay out of the bars, and eventually to find her way off this station as soon as an opportunity presents itself. Tomorrow morning would be good," he suggested.

"Got it," said Jack. "I'll lock her up in my apartment until then."

Jack led her associate out of security and down the corridor towards her place. Kelly was quiet for the first part of the way. They hadn't talked since shortly after the war, and then only in exchanged emails. It was all about Eezo of course, the biotic pet varren that Jack had left with her. She'd told Kelly that he was there to protect her from Cerberus. The truth was that Jack was hard up at the time for a place to put him and Chambers was the only person she knew on the Citadel. It had turned out to be a good move. Kelly and that varren had saved a bunch of kid's lives.

Finally Kelly spoke up. "I appreciate this."

"You won't be appreciative when you see my place," said Jack. "You'll be wishing I'd left you in your fucking cell."

When they finally reached the apartment Jack busied herself cleaning up as best she could. Kelly helped. They didn't speak while they worked. Jack didn't want to press. She figured that it would come up sooner or later anyway, and she wasn't sure if she was ready for the sad story. It was always a sad story.

Jack poured the both of them a drink and they sat down at the small table. The box was still there, as well as the note. Kelly was staring at it. Jack snatched it off the table and stuffed it into one of her pockets, but it was too late. The former Normandy yeoman had already recognized the writing.

Kelly looked around the room. "I've heard rumors that you were spending time with Miranda, but I doubt she'd set foot in a place like this."

"When she was staying here, I used to keep it cleaner," said Jack.

"I see," said Kelly. "But she's not anymore. You want to talk about it?"

Jack went straight the point. "As soon as you tell me why you were turning tricks in the bar. You're better than that."

Kelly laughed. "Not anymore. You don't realize how lucky you are, living out here away from Earth."

"You should be out here too then, helping kids," said Jack. "Like you did on the Citadel. Shit, Chambers, you're a fucking war hero."

"Eezo was the war hero," said Kelly. "I just hid while he protected us."

"Not everyone can fight," said Jack. "You got those kids to safety."

Kelly stared at Jack. Her face was gaunt. There were black circles under her eyes, lines creasing her forehead and temples. She looked desperate, old past her years. Her eyes watered, and then finally began to drip tears.

"I only saved a few," she said. "A lot more died. I could hear them screaming when the Reapers took them. A lot of them they killed on the spot, ripped them apart. Some of the Batarian husks..."

Kelly broke down in sobs and lost her composure for a moment.

Finally she got it out. "They at them alive, Jack, they were feeding on them while they were still alive. My God, I thought that nothing could be worse than the Collector base, but I was wrong, so wrong. What kind of monsters would do that to children? And the Illusive Man wanted to control them? Tried to convince Shepard to save them and use them for humanity? I can't believe I was ever a part of that Cerberus monstrosity."

"Pretty fucked up," said Jack. "I saw similar things down on Earth. It was a real nightmare. I didn't think we were going to make it."

Kelly was hovering near hysteria. "But Shepard did it, didn't she? Saved us all, sacrificed herself in the process. It was always going to end that way, wasn't it?"

Jack could see that Chambers was fucked up beyond anything she was going to be able to deal with. There was no fixing this shit. She was broken. Best she could do was make her feel a little better.

"Shepard wouldn't think that way, she would say that nothing is certain," said Jack.

"That's not you," said Kelly. "You've been through it, you know better."

"I'm choosing a better life, trying on this optimism bullshit," said Jack.

Kelly laughed. "No you aren't, you're bargaining. I can tell."

Jack glared at the woman sitting across the table. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Look at this place," said Kelly. "You tore it apart in a rage. Now you seem to be over it, pretending to be a new person, acting like Shepard because you think that will be the thing that gets you what you want—that's bargaining. It's the third stage of grief."

"What the hell do you know about it?" said Jack. "I bail you out of jail for renting yourself out, and you come into my place acting like you know what's what in my life? Fuck you!"

Kelly almost smiled. "That's the Jack I know. Listen, just stay true to yourself, ok? Don't try to be Shepard, just let it go. Let her go. If Miranda broke it off with you, she isn't coming back. I knew her, once she made a decision that was it."

Jack tried to hold her anger with mixed results. "How can you even know what's going on? You think you can talk to me for a few minutes, look at my place and figure it all out? Fuck you with all this psychobabble. You don't know Miranda, you don't know me, and you didn't know Shepard. You were just some pretty face the Illusive Man set up, you know, someone to spy on us all and keep Cerberus looking all bright and friendly."

Kelly giggled. There was a near hysterical edge to it. Her eyes welled with tears, but her face held madness rather than sorrow.

She stared into her drink. "I can't deny it, it's true. I was supposed to get close to Shepard, that was my primary job, and I did it well. I got close, Jack, real close. That's my problem. More than anything else that's happened to me, being that close to her? Convincing myself I could have something with her? That's what opened up the hole in me, why I can't get past the nightmares. She was never going to choose me, it was always going to be Liara. I was just there as a distraction, a warm body, someone to work off her stress with. It was just sex for her. She used me."

"Get over yourself," said Jack. "From what I saw, you were on her every single day like a wet shirt. So what? She broke down and gave you what you wanted one time, and now you're pissed off about it? Most of the galaxy would line up to be in your place."

"Because they don't know," said Kelly.

Jack sighed. "Did she slap you around or something? Was she a bad lay? What don't they know, and why are you acting so fucking crazy?"

"The problem is, it was everything I'd hoped," said Kelly. "It's like, well, once you are with her, that's it. It's perfect. She was perfect. Nothing else is ever going to compare. You know what I'm talking about, Jack. Once you are with that person, that one thing you've really needed all your life, and then it's taken away—that's the worst feeling."

Kelly leaned back in her chair, the light in her eyes flickering as she stared up at the slow spinning ventilation fan. The effect made her look crazier than ever. When she spoke again her tone was soaked in longing, wrung with regret.

"I imagine this is what it's like to be one of those low end biotics, the ones who don't even have enough to power an amp, so they boost themselves. They get one taste of red sand and they are addicts for life. They need it, they can't live without it, because it's the only thing that completes them. They'll never be a real biotic without the sand," she said.

Jack scowled. "Speak for yourself. I don't have it that bad."

"Then let her go," said Kelly. "If you can get her out of your head, let her go."

"Yea," said Jack. "We'll see."

"Promise me," said Kelly. "If she doesn't come back, let it go."

"Why is this so fucking important to you?" asked Jack.

"I don't want you to end up..." she changed her tone abruptly. "Just focus on the kids. Promise me that, do your job, find happiness in that."

"Ok," said Jack. "Conversation is over. You're not making sense. You need something to help you sleep? You can have the bed, I'll take the floor."

Kelly's hands trembled. "Sleep with me."

Jack stared at her blankly.

"Not that," said Kelly. "Just next to me, please. I don't want to be alone, especially not tonight. I can't sleep alone anymore. The nightmares..."

The desperation in her voice got to Jack despite her better judgement.

"Ok, Kelly, sure, whatever you want. Just... keep your hands to yourself."

Jack cleaned up the apartment some more while Chambers grabbed a shower. When she emerged she asked Jack to put on a vid, something Asari. Jack found it in the station's library easily enough. It was a comedy, Asari comedy wasn't really to Jack's taste, but it finally brought something of a smile to Kelly's face. Apparently it was one of her favorites.

Remembering Pacelli's mandate, Jack used her terminal to book Kelly transportation back to Earth and tried not to feel guilty about it. Clearly, Chambers was in no state to be alone, but there was nothing Jack could do. Every counseling center and every shelter was overcrowded. Millions upon millions of traumatized survivors were squatting in burned out ruins across the planet, while out in space, almost every retired hulk with a working life support system had been pulled out of the scrapyard and pressed into service as a makeshift orbital habitat. It was a real fucking mess and the Alliance was still a few months away from getting a handle on it.

Admittedly, sleeping next to Kelly wasn't terrible and it seemed to make the former yeoman happy. Kelly was asleep within minutes. Jack drifted off not long after.

She was in the middle of a peculiar dream that