"Let go of the thoughts that don't make you strong." ~ Unknown

Started Typing On - 25/12/2018

Finished Typing On - 26/12/2018

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Chapter 34- Low In Patience

Jaanvi's Pov:

Was I supposed to let it all out? Frankly speaking I don't have an answer to my own question. My father say's 'some questioned are meant not to be answered.' Just like his question wasn't answered.

'Why did you take my wife away from me god?' He never says it in front of me but the way he looks at my mother's picture in his room, says it all. His bright, wet eyes boring into her picture waiting for her to speak. He's been waiting. For twenty-five-long-years now. His question remained as a question.

I asked him once, 'Don't you wonder why god took her away?' he smiled writing in my notebook, moving his hands quickly around the pen in happiness. I took the book from his hand reading,

'No. Because I want to hear the answer to it myself. When I meet her in heaven.'

Saying I was awing at his words was an understatement. Could someone love someone so much? The way his eyes brighten, his thin lined lips turning into a gorgeous smile showing off his dimples really made me wonder, 'How is he alive till now?' Wasn't it the more you love someone the harder it is to live without them?

I thoughts the same. Well, I guess that's a question I want to be answered by my father.

I was still in the same position, hugging Kiaan tightly. I felt lighter. I felt a pressure was released from my chest, which I kept in place for years. It all felt so easy, so relaxing and so calm.

Letting it all out wasn't as hard as imagined it to be. Or perhaps, the person I was sharing it all with was easy to get along with. Easy to understand me.

It all felt so right in many ways.

In many emotions.

"Thank you." The words came out of my mouth which I never imagined to use for Kiaan. The most, least expected person. I was thankful. For the first time, apart from Aditi I had someone. Someone who could handle me, w-with this clown fear. She knew about it but never knew the exact reasons behind it.

I gave her false information's how I find clowns scary and horrifying.

Lucky I never had this type of panic attack in front of dad. I'm glad I didn't.

"W-why?" His voice sudden came out. His tone was slow, hinting me that the question kept running inside his head but only just came out. "W-why so much hate Jaanvi? What did you do to deserve it?"

I pulled away looking down. How was I supposed to face him? I mean, how are you supposed to face someone after showing how weak and much hatred you've gained over the years. It wasn't pleasing, was it?

"I-I d-don't know." My words came out drier then I assumed. "S-she just hates me." I shrugged sighing loudly. "Never liked me, not even a bit. I-it's like s-she j-just hates me because I'm m-mum's daughter, you know? In e-every topic s-she'll bring mum and s-say mean stuff." My voice was low towards the end. Even the thought of hearing rude words towards my mum hurt me.

"Do you think it's out of jealously?" he questioned. Was it that obvious?

I nodded in agreement. "Even I thought the same Kiaan." For the first time, I-suppose-I agreed with him, with my husband. My hand flung right onto his from the right guess. I mean, I thought it was right. There was no room to think over this again, her behaviour was quiet evident for me to realise how jealous she was.

His eyebrow arched, looking at my hand on his. He wasn't expecting my touch. Expecting or didn't like it?

'Expectations Vs Reality' they say for a reason. Reality is always the worst one. We often expect way too much then our standards. Some give the excuses of 'dreams,' but are they really dreams? Or are we just too selfish that we end killing the selfless side of ours.

I guess it was my high emotional level's blocking away the reality.

An awkward smile, that I tried to hide away formed in my lips automatically from his shocked expressions. I should have known, I thought ready to pull my hand away from his grip.

"No." He called me out gazing at our hands. What surprises me the most is seeing how smart of well observed person he was and it, I may add. His eyes were on our hands yet he knew I was unsure from his side. "Stay." It takes an inexpressive person to understand the other without words being mentioned.

"Kajal did wrong." He pointed out, not telling me but himself. He placed his other hand on top of mine squeezing it. "The accusations, w-were very low standards of hers. I sincerely apologise. I-I never knew my extra love would spoil her. You know I," He shrugged moving his hands around trying to explain me what he meant.

"You love her like your own child, right?" I questioned smiling seeing the nervous, speechless Kiaan for the first time. It made him look even cuter.

"Yeah." He smiled widely, his eyes brightening like a shining star in the sky. A beautiful, rare smile took over his face. Like I said something he couldn't explain. Or, like he saw someone he missed. For so long.

"But it spoiled her." His smile fades away looking down in sadness. It only worried me imagining if she'll do something worst in future only to hurt him, even more than she already did. The type of man he was, I was sure he'll take the blame for it himself.

"Well," I smiled cheekily looking around the room, trying to lighten up the mood. It's very funny and strange in a way that I want to make Kiaan feel better.

You're just doing this because he helped you. I thought. "I'd like to ask you something."

"Go on." He blinked gesturing me to continue.

"Can we go to the market? I-I need to get some ingredients for the café, Asha messaged me the list two hours ago. Only if you want to come along?" The main reason why I came out of my bedroom after cleaning the whole mess was because of Asha's message.

I was leaving the house all ready to shop just to be stopped, as my gaze fell on the TV screen. I don't know whether someone was watching the movie or tv show at all. I didn't care about the fact that it was only a movie, that it wasn't real. As soon the clowns face came up, with a wide smile all the pathetic memories came back.

I suppose that's when I got the panic attack.

He seemed to not believe my question. Maybe he was expecting me to say something else, perhaps? I was about to speak again telling him, 'it's ok if you don't want to come,' but he nodded quickly.

"Yes, I'll come along." He replied, looking into my eyes, ensuring that he was serious. He stood up first from the sitting position first. I was ready to get up from the help of my hands touching the floor but he was quick enough to pass me his hand. I looked at his hand, then into his eyes, than back at his hand.

Was this show offer helping me?

"Yes, I'm helping you." He rolled his eyes sighing loudly, causing my eyes to go wide. Did I say that out loud? I thought in shock. "Your expressions says it all Jaanvi. I'm not that mean." I take his hand standing up straight.

"Yeah, keyword; that mean. That means you accept your mean but not that, mean." I murmured straightening my kurta. (Indian dress)

I heard him scoff behind me as we walked out of the room, "She's back." I rolled my eyes at his words, not helping but smile. Smile like a crazy teenager.

Life feels so loving, slow, peaceful and amazing so suddenly. I wouldn't say it's because Kiaan found out about my punishments I faced. I mean, I could tell this to anyone, and yet feel so shit about it. So low and heavy chested. As if I'm hiding something big or I've done someone ridicules. But then again, I never told this to anyone.

Why?

Maybe because no one actually cared. No one actually wanted to know what was going on in my life. It was always, 'she's rich. She's pampered. I'm sure she can't cook because she's spoilt. Or she's fine.' People thought their assumptions were right, nobody cared, enough to find out.

When they saw my negatives they ignored it because of my positives. It was almost as if their dictionary say's 'she's rich so she wouldn't be facing any problems. It's only the poor one's facing difficulties.'

But Kiaan didn't ignore my negative side. He could have? Couldn't he? Kaan made me realise, how the negatives make me the positive. How I've grown from my mistakes, from my past, from my punishments. He turned a horrifying memory into something I should treasure for who I am today.

I never imagined spilling this detail without someone and feeling so relaxed afterwards.

I don't feel judged. I was supposed to though, right?

Not even once from his expressions, eyes, gesture or his body language did I feel him judging me in anyway. He seemed to understand me, more than I could ever understand my own self.

I felt light as a feather. Like I've let someone new, loving inside me. Like I'm a free bird with long wings that nobody could cut off.

Indeed, it's not big of a deal to some. But just not being bullied for being a coward was more than enough to make me feel stronger than ever.

My father witnessed my nightmares. (The one she had before marriage in front of Kiaan, Dhruv and Aditi) He made me feel normal but I knew he was just doing it because I was his child. He didn't want me to feel, or to look abnormal. It was his duty to make me feel worthy right? I mean same goes for Kiaan but he doesn't love me. My father does. There's not much difference in how well they looked after me but if you look closely, there is.

My father has only me. I'm his blood, this brings extra care. He loves me, more than himself.

Kiaan on the other hand. He has others in his life, he doesn't need to look after me. He can still live, happily without this Jaanvi. I'm his wife by law but not by love. He doesn't love me, he shouldn't even bother about me still he helped me. I felt slightly relaxed when he calmed me then dad ever did.

I was getting dependent on his after this. I was relaying on him which wasn't good. No one should hold expectations. They only get crushed in the end. Just like my father's did twenty-five years ago.

"Sugar, salt, flour, wheat, baking soda, baking powder, brown sugar. What else Jaanvi?" I turned around seeing Kiaan putting the ingredients into the basket. "What else? Check the list." He said again noticing my confused expression.

"Oh." My mouth turned into a thin line. I forgot we were inside the market. "Yes, umm. W-we need self-rising flour." I said reading Asha's message again.

"Why?" He raised his eyebrow walking back to the flour section with the full basket in his hand. I followed him like a lost puppy, holding my phone tightly in my hand. "I asked why Jaanvi." He repeated, this time a bit louder but in a calm way.

"Umm, Pancakes?" it came out as a question more than an answer.

"Yeah what about them? Why do you need self-rising flour for pancakes? Why not normal flour? That's just waste of money."

I gave him the are-you-saying-this-look. Not kidding but he spent a lot of money on his white shirts and shoes. Who needs fifty shoes? Please explain. Five pairs are more than enough for me.

"Why do you drink alcohol and not wine?" I questioned.

"Alcohol has a stronger effect. It's the actual beverage you know? It's stronger, while wine is the lighter version. If I drink wine I'll be stable enough to understand my surrounding, with alcohol it's different." He replied in a duh tone.

"Just like that self-rising flour is better for pancakes. If you didn't guess it already but it helps raising the pancake, it gives it the fluffy look. And it's not waste of money, least it doesn't cost as much as your shoes." I lowered my voice towards the end in a taunting way. He heard it for sure.

"So you accept that I wear expensive shoes?" He arched his eyebrow in a smirk. I opened my mouth to speak but he stopped me raising his hand up, "I always knew that, you knew I have a great taste in shoes. Good to finally hear it from your mouth."

I was taken back his sudden mention of taste. If having fifty different white shoes is taste, then he sure has taste. It's lie buying the same shoes again and again! My eyes travelled straight to this white shoes that he wore, "Sure." I laughed.

Bloody hell, taste. I mimicked him inside my head, causing to nearly lose my balance from all the laughing.

"You know I should have called the hospital." He said looking at me with a what-the-fuck expressions. Probably wondering why I was laughing so hard.

Kiaan's eyes travelled to his wrist watch muttering something under his breathe, "Let's go. I need to reach the hotel on time, some guests are arriving."

I nodded understanding the urgency written on his face. We were heading to the counter, ready to pay. My quick steps were stopped seeing butter and coffee on special.

Who doesn't like discount?

I unlocked my phone, Kiaan still walking fast to the counter, thinking I'm behind him. I read Asha's message again,

Things to bring- Sugar, salt, flour, wheat, baking soda, baking powder, brown sugar, butter (Bring around five packets, we're slow on stock.) Coffee, tea bags,

Lemons, vegetables, (Anything we can use for our salad) bread and yoghurt.

I stopped reading her message after brown sugar. God. I couldn't tell this to Kiaan, he looked very serious when he said he needed to reach the hotel as soon as possible.

"Jaanvi?" I looked up seeing him at the counter calling me. His forehead had a thin line, in frustration wondering why I was holding him up for so long. I took steps towards him smiling. "Why were you standing there?" he questioned once I was behind him. He was ready to place the items on the counter when I spoke,

"Asha just messaged me again." I paused seeing his changed of expressions. The face held very obvious are-you-kidding-me look sighing deeply, as he ran his hands through his hair. "I need to get some more things."

"Get it tomorrow." He replied not letting me speak further on. The packets of sugars were thrown onto the counter earning a raised eyebrow from the counter lady.

"I need it today. We don't have enough stock for orders. The quicker I get it the better." I tried changing his answer.

"Couldn't she tell you this before rather than leaving it for the last minute? And why are you fetching the ingredients and not them?" He raised his voice a little, harshly taking his wallet out.

"Because I take extra money out of the café. I do all the shopping because it's my business." I gulped my anger keeping my voice as low as possible not wanting to create a scene.

"Too bad. We're done." He did the payment taking the plastic bags from the lady, walking out the market without even looking at me.

Was it hard to understand that my work was also urgent? I also run a business just like him, then why isn't my one valued as much as his?

He unlocked the car ready to put the bags into the back seat when I held the plastic bag, pulling it out of his grip. He looked at me glaring, "What?"

"You go. I still need to shop." The needed words were said to inform him I wasn't going with him.

'Don't create a scene, would you? Get inside the car." Kiaan glanced at his wrist watch groaning loudly, "I need to reach there in ten minutes. Get in Jaanvi."

"And I need butter, coffee, tea, veg--"

"Stop reading me your list. Get it tomorrow."

"And what will Aditi say to the customers? That 'Oh, sorry the owner couldn't get the needed stuff to make the dishes because her husband was busy!' how professional." I responded sarcastically.

"You coming or not?" The growing anger was evident in his changing voice, holding seriousness.

"No, you go. I'll call you when I get home, good lu--" my very nice, genuine 'good luck' speech was interrupted by his car door slamming shut from the angry force of his hand. In one minute he reversed the car, not even glancing at me once.

"Well, ok then. I'll charge you five hundred rupees for two slices of my special cake." I pointed at the car park imagining he was there. I so wished he was there to see my angry face. I took my finger back hearing someone cough.

"What?" I asked looking at a male around my age looking at me with wide eyes.

"Umm, there's no one there. You know?"

"I know! Mind your own business." What was his problem now? I can point wherever I want to whoever I want. Like am I not allow to talk to my own self? Or to imagine scolding my husband? Now even that restricted?

'Did you get it all?' I read Asha's text after hearing my phone buzz.

The lady behind my fight with Kiaan.

'You're doing the shopping for the ingredients from now on.' I replied shutting my phone off completely.

"What a day Jaanvi! What a day!" I muttered putting my phone inside my bag. I looked up seeing the same man looking at me as if he saw a ghost. I looked behind me seeing no one. Clearly he was looking at me.

"You talk to y-yourself?"

"You don't?" I questioned back walking away.

It is weird talking to yourself? That man just made me feel like I'm weird, in many different ways.

Married My Enemy

Sorry I'm not getting enough time to write more than three chapters a day like before. But my chapters are super long now days so ;)