Imogen's POV

Like Niagara falls, hot tears streamed down my cheeks and I made no attempt to wipe them away, turning to my side, I buried my head into one of my many wet pillows and continued to sob.

I won't blame fate.

I won't blame my mum.

Neither will I blame Junior.

I'm solely responsible for my own pain, every single one of it is my own fault.

In life everyone is entitled to making their own decisions, people may may add to it or try to influence it but in the end, the sole and final decision rests with you yourself.

I was in that kind of situation while growing up. Growing up in a family with a loving father by your side, an annoying brother who indisputably loved and wanted only the best for me and a nanny who was more of a mother than the one who have birth to me was the only thing that was worth remembring in my childhood.

Unfortunately for me, at a time too late to turn back, I have now known having an evil mother like Morganna was only a dilemma rather than what I thought as a child. She was perfect in my eyes, the mother who loved me so much and granted my every request, gave me the right to do whatever I wanted.

She never censored my life, in fact she encouraged me to make the most out of my youthful days. Yes, what kind of a mother advices her daughter to encourage as many men as she can, play them till they were like stooges who will gladly lick off my feet even if they were covered in moss?

That was the kind of mother I had who indirectly groomed me to the worthless piece of human being I am today. I won't say directly because I could have decided not to do what she bad adviced yet I chose to act on it and if I am here today, having lost all that I had, its no one's but only my fault.

Now I have nothing else to live for. In my stupidity, I managed to drive away the only man I ever loved, in my jealousy, I've lost the only good person in my life who loved ne without a condition and necrr judged me.

I wasn't completely honest with her despite knowing she wasn't one to judge. I couldnt because I was ashamed of who I truly was, I couldn't because I didn't need a reminder of who I used to be.

And now I've lost everything, I sobbed harder into my pillow. My head was spinning and throbbing so bad yet it couldn't be compared to the pain I have in my heart.

I can take everything but not this pain of knowing I am my own enemy, everything is lost, I have nothing to live for. It's better I leave this world forever, perhaps I'll get peace, even if a little knowing I'm no longer an enemy to someone and a bother to my family.

Gathering the little strength I bace left in my now thin and frail body that can be passed for that of an AIDS patient, I climbed out of bed and walked to my closet, to the secret compartment where I have hidden the one illegal thing that relieves me of this pain.

As I walked there, I passed by the wall between the bathroom and closet and my eyes caught a picture of Nae and I that I had out into a frame just like the others, this however was my favorite.

It was one out if the many pictures we took on our three days trip to the mountains, I wanted wild adventure that was dangerous and after much convincing she agreed to go with me, skipping two days and missing important lessons at school all for me.

She loved me that much and I did too but my past and who I truly was sadly, but the truth needs to me told, was greater than the love I had for her.

I changed after finding out she was engaged to my man, my junior. I failed to realize he was no longer mine, our story ended long before they met but the pain of being scorned again after all those years ate me up to the core and I hurt her in the worst possible way, I was aware she was hurting deeply inside after what I said to her yet my inner evil wasn't satisfied. I went ahead to conjure up lies that seemed like the truth and couldn't be ignored.

Thinking of how bad and evil person I have been, I slumped to the floor, guilt was eating me up as much as pain was. I was remorseful for my actions, I wanted badly to tell her, to apologize but I can't.

Monae is hurt and once a good person is hurt that deep nothing can be done.

I am ashamed of my actions.

*********

With shaky hands, I walked to my bed after laying it neatly and placed the suicide note on it, in tears.

Suicide is never the answer but in my case, it is the only answer.

I wiped my runny nose and my clumsy hands slowly tore the wrapper as I sat down on the cold floor of my room.

I slapped the side of my head. "You're such a klutz!" And chided myself when the white substance almost emptied out of the packet onto the floor, "you can do anything right, you're so worthless! That's why no one loves you!"

Depression was an understatement for what I am going through, I have passed that stage, I'm now on a level I can't name.

At this point, all I see myself is being a bother, a nuisance to the people around me so its best if I got rid of myself and save them the trouble they're going through.

Yes, this is the only good I can do after being so evil in life.

Pouring a handful of the substance that first ruined my life, cocaine, I brought my hand to my lips and ate it raw while snorting it in a high dose.

I was planning on overdosing, that way I'll die quicker, being the coward I am who's taking my own life instead if finding a solution, I didn't want to endure the pain of dying.

The funny thing was I was crying while taking my own life. Why the fuck I'm I?

The world is better off without me so I should be happy I was leaving here to a better place.

A better place my ass, not everyone who dies goes to heaven like we're made to belive, for people like myself, there's a special place called hell for us.

And I know that's exactly where I am going.

After snorting a great amount, I started getting high in a minute or two, I don't know. I lost track of time, all I know is my tongue, mouth and throat became numb.

Seconds later, I saw I was completely high. All the pain and whatever emotions I felt dissipitated.

I could see my vision blurring, my head was spinning, everything mived slower, even when I turned to look at the door when I heard a knock, everywhere seemed too brighter than normal.

This wasn't a new feeling, I was used to it after my years long usage of this lethal drug.

"Oh my God Imogen!" I heard Roxie exclaimed, damn did she have to be so loud?

I sent a scowl her way as I stood up from the floor, she rushed towards me and I pushed her away from me.

"You crazy, what's with the shouting?"

"You're using it again aren't you?" The accusation was thick in her voice, I nodded childishly. I was beginning to get irritated at her.

More like I was angry when from my blurred vision, I saw her tiny body crouch and pick up my crack, my salvation, how dare she.

I approached her and snatched the packet from her hand. "How dare you take my stuff?" I asked angrily, towering over her and forcefully grabbed her hand. "How dare you?!"

Wham, the first sound of my slap went off in the while room and I grinned, yes I love the feeling of being on top. The feeling of being above everyone else, that feeling I am unstoppable, I absolutely love it.

"Rex! Mrs Winchester! Someone help me!"

"Shout all you want but no one will here you, get it?" Like a possessed soul, I wrapped my hand around her throat and started to squeeze the life out of her.

"He..help!"

"Get off me!" I screamed when I felt hands bundled around me, pulling me away from the woman who was now coughing ans gasping for air, "I'll deal with you!"

I pushed the person off me and turned to grab his neck as well but wasn't fast when he ducked, I slammed straight into a wall.

Clutching my head, I sharply turned around again to attack him.

"Get the needle, fast!"

I heard him order on top of his voice, as he launched at me again, there was shuffling of feet and I presumed whoever that was, was going to do the bidding.

That incited fear of the unknwon in me, I shrieked in horror, "what needle?" I struggled to wiggle out if the tight hold. They want to kill me, I feel it. "Murderers! You all want to kill me!"

I began kicking my feet in the air and as I did, the hold got tighter, this time around it wasn't two but four hands that bound me down.

"Murderers! I'll tell my daddy you want to kill me, I'll tell him!---" the rest of my words were muffled as I felt a needle pierce into my skin, something shot up in me, it was like I had been sedated.

Calmness and serenity took over me shortly and my eye lids closed shut, darkness welcomed me before I knew, I was out.

********

I slipped in and out of consciousness and each time I did, it was either Roxie, Rex or my father beside me in the bed and by chance, one time I saw Mrs Steele standing at the door. There was this guitly look on her face while she stared at me.

This time around when I finally gained consciousness, I realized I was bound by chains on my legs and my left hand had drip and blood connected to it and there was no one with me here.

My head was aching no lie, so bad, I clutched it as I tried to sit up in bed.

I expected to experience the bitchy side effect of once the high wears off but surprisingly there was nothing like that, although I had this heaache, my body was good and unusually calm.

The door to my room opened, I curiously glanced there to see who it was and saw Roxie entering with a tray in hand. She was smiling brightly and seemed genuinely surprised I was awake and glad too.

I wouldn't be if I were in her place or even go near the person who tried to choke me to death.

While unconscious and between slipping and out of it, I had disturbing flashes of what ensued before I got on that bed so I know what I did too very well.

The guilt rushed back in full force, I lowered my head, too ashamed to face her.

How did I end up this evil? I knew I was evil but this bad I wanted to kill Roxie? A motherly figure I always had but never cherished yet I wanted to kill her.

How can I atone for what I did? If anyone knows how they should please tell me and I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Approaching my bed, she sat beside me and put the food on her lap.

"Baby girl."

See? I can't face her.

"Look at me."

"I can't."

"It isn't a request, it's an order."

"I'm sorry but I'd have to go against this order."

"Don't get like this please, I'm not angry--"

"But I am!"I started, breaking into a cry, "I am angry at myself." I held my hands up for her to see, "with these very hands I wanted to kill you and you think I'll be happy and pretend I am not an evil person?"

She wiped my cheeks and broke into one of her sumignature smiles that was so motherly and beautiful, it kinda draws you in . "You're not an evil person, you're far from that. Listen baby, you're a good person, a kind person who wouldn't think of hurting a fly--"

"Don't lie to me, Roxie! Stop making me feel as if I am human, which good person will try to kill their loved one."

"See you're still human, even after what you did you're having this remorse amd regrets. Only beasts have no conscience and don't see the wrong they do besides you weren't yourself when you tried to."

"I was myself."

"No you were not, crack makes its victims do things like this, that doesn't mean those victims are evil." She tried to reason out.

"I'm sorry Roxie, I'm truly sorry. I don't know how I'll make you or anyone to understand or forgive me."

"Don't worry my dear, I bear no grudges against you and I know you're truly sorry, we all do."

"But." I sniffed, wiping my mkse with the back of my hand only to tear up again. "But, Nae..Nae doesn't and she will never forgive me, I hurt beer so bad Roxie."

"You know Nae isn't the one to drag issues too long and hold grudges against people, for all you know she isn't angry anymore and has forgiven you."

"How are you so sure? Has she been found?"

"No, from the last time I talked to Junior, he told me about still searching for her."

"I hope they find her very soon."

"I hope so too, she can't just get missing."

"No matter how hard you people make me try to feel good, I can never forgive myself for causing all this. She didn't deserve all that I did and said to her."

"You're right, she didn't deserve it but you can't keep blaming yourself for everything, Junior is to be blamed too."

"I disagree, he's faultless. If he's still the man I know, then he hid it for a good reason, he can never hurt anyone. He's too good for me, that's why he found someone who's perfect for him and I truly wish they get all the happiness they deserve."

"With my God in heaven, He will make sure of that..."

Her words trailed off as ee snapped our heads to the door to see Mrs Steele, standing there and still wearing the guilty look. "Uh excuse me, can...can I--"

"Gosh, don't just stand there, come inside." Roxie waved her over but she hesitated and looked my way.

"If Imogen is okay with it--"

"Of course I am, please come inside." I assured, passing her a smile small.

*********

"I'll excuse you two." Roxie informed us after feeding me.

"No, please stay."

"It's alright my dear, you two have a lot you need to get off your chest, alone by yourselves and I'll be outside the door in case you need anything."

"Thank you."

"Don't mention."

"How are you feeling?" She nervously asked.

"Aside this headache, I can say I am fine, yourself?"

"I am fine now that you are, you don't know how happy I am seeing you awake and fine, I thought my mistake was going to claim another life."

"What do you mean by another, who else died? Don't tell me Monae?"

"No, no, actually she's been found. Drake whisked her away all this while and she's fine now."

"And is she back together with him?"

"Uh..."

"Don't hold back, just tell me okay? I can take it, please. It will make me very happy to know they have."

"Yes, they have. I'm not rubbing it in your face but my son and her are so happy together and so much in love."

The way she said it with a joyous smile made me beam too, I was honestly happy for them.

The love I have for him is still here stronger than ever and I belive with time, it will fade away without me knowing and perhaps, I'll also find that special someone for me out there.

That is, if I get my shit together.

"Yeah they ought to be, they complete each other." I admitted, giving her a small smile. "If only I had known this earlier, things wouldn't have escalated this far--"

"No sweetie, don't blame yourself. I am supposed to be blamed, I started this whole thing because I misunderstood my son, I chose the wrong path and it has costed everyone."

"It--"

"Please, let ne talk. I need to get this off my chest. I don't know how I'll begin this but I want you to know I'm truly sorry for everything and the fact still remains that I am a bad mother. I failed to see what my daughter was going through, I thought the only thing that she needed was money and luxurious living, nothing else mattered as long she was able to buy anything she wants and have everyyhing as a disposal. My actions drove her away from me and when I realized it, it was too late for me to change it then I thought why don't I then get involved in my son's life to correct my mistake with my daughter but even then it was wrong. I became possessive rather than loving, that too drove my son away from me and as if it wasn't ebjuvh destroying the life of my children, I involved you." She paused and took my hands that were laying on my laps, "please forgive me for showing you impossible dreams if marrying my son and ruining your life, I drove you to kill yourself, how callous of me?!"

"Don't call yourself callous, I believe you did what every mother will do thinking it was in the best interest of your son. Onky I'll agree with you, you had it all wrong and I shoumd have known better that after betraying and hurting Michele, he was never going to marry me. I got my hopes up over an impssible thing and I paid the price, I'm rather ashamed and feeling so guilty I dragged innocent people into my stupidity and selfishness and right now I don't know if they'll ever forgive me."

"I can't be too sure about Michele but I know Monae, she's a very good girl with a heart of gold, I don't think she will take the trouble of hating you."

"That's the very same thing Roxie told me but in different words." I wanted badly for their words to assure me, but they didn't, they only got me more apprehensive of the possible hatred she now habors for me.

I won't blame her if she does, I deserve the hatred and every other ill feelings she will have towards me.

But deep down within, I wish she doesn't. I wish earnestly things will go back to being the same between us.

How can they be if you don't talk to her?

My subconscious who's wiser than I am yet failed to help me take better decisions asked. It was tempting and not too much of a bad idea, the only problem is, will Nae be willing and happy to talk to me?

Will she give me that chance?

I feel I've wronged her so much to have blown away all the chances I coild have gotten in life from her.

But it won't be bad if you give it a try.

"Can I uhm, talk to her?" I asked, breaking the silence that had descended on us, "on your phone."  And added for clarification, I've figured she wouldn't pick if I called on mine.

"I wish honey but I'm sorry I can't." She passed me an apologetic look and I immediately got what she meant. "Michy hasn't forgiven you yet and after much difficulty my son now regards me, I don't want to think of what will happen when he finds out I helped you."

"Its alright, I understand you."

"No my dear, it isn't like that--"

"No, really I understand you perfectly well. I'm not blind to how deeply you love and care for your son. He resented you only because of how you loved and supported me and my family and I'm not gonna ruin your relationship with him after repairing it after much difficulty, again because of me so trust me I understand."

"He'll eventually forgive you, I know my so very well. He appears tough and unbreakable yet he's a softie inside."

I sighed, "I wish to see that day come when he forgives me, I don't care if he doesn't want to accept me back as a friend, all I need is his forgiveness."

"Have faith, okay?"

"Okay--"

As if having this wasn't enough to make me wish I had succeeded in ending my life, Morganna barhed in, dramatically like she knows best. "Let me in!"

"You're not allowed to enter--"

I cut eyes at her then glanced at Rox. "Its okay Roxie, she's already here, thank you for looking out for me."

"If this crazy woman says anything just lemme know."

"I'd definitely."

My mkther gave me a look like she couldn't believe something."So you now trust her over me?"

"You chose to be blind all these years, it was no secret I trusted her over you all the time, even Golda can testify to this. Now do me this favor and get out, I was having a nice time with Mrs Steele here before you interrupted." Golda was our family cat for so many years until she died