Mackie, May I? Chapter 17

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It’s Tuesday afternoon when things go haywire.

Carly and I are walking out of the building we each just had finals in, her having taken the biology test she’d been dreading and me having taken an English exam I don’t think I did too badly on.  I only have one test left, my Spanish one tomorrow, and then I’m free until the weekend when I’m driving back up to my parents’ house for the Christmas break.

She’s busy talking about how Eli bought her a toothbrush for his apartment and how she’s kind of freaked out about it when my phone starts to vibrate in my jeans pocket.  I don’t recognize the number but it’s from this area code, so I bring it to my ear, “Hello?”

“Mackie?” a feminine voice asks, a slightly familiar tone that I can’t seem to place exactly.

“Yeah, who is this?”

“Oh thank God!” the voice answers, and then says, “This is Hannah.  Jesse’s sister.”

With the frantic tone in her voice and the fact that his little sister is calling me, my mind immediately goes to the worst possible conclusion.  Something has to be going on, why else would she call me?  “What’s going on?” I ask quickly, stopping dead in my tracks.  “Is Jesse okay?”

The minute this escapes my lips Carly whips around from where she’s two steps ahead of me, her eyes wide and frightened.  But it can’t possibly match the pounding in my chest, the cold hollowness of my stomach.  He can’t be hurt, he can’t be hurt.

Hannah takes far too long to respond to me, saying, “He’s fine, yeah…just…my mom got in a car accident and she’s fine, I think, but he’s freaking out and when I asked him if he’d asked you to come to the hospital he said he didn’t want you to see him like this, but I think you need to…”

I cut her off, knowing that I won’t be able to think straight for the rest of the day until I know he’s okay.  He may not be physically hurt, but I definitely don’t like that he’s over there with a hurt mom and obviously upset enough to worry his sister.  I tell her, “I’m on my way.  Which hospital?”

Carly’s eyes nearly bug out of her skull when I say this, as she probably thinks Jesse’s the one in the hospital, so I shake my head quickly at her and mouth “it’s not him” as Hannah rattles off the hospital, the room number, and what to tell the lady at the front desk.

I thank her a million times over for calling me and then hang up, shoving the phone into my pocket and then starting to briskly walk towards the dorm’s parking lot where my car is.  As Carly tries to match my pace she asks me, “What’s going on?”

My voice coming out as fast as my mind is racing, I tell her, “That was Jesse’s little sister and she said her mom got into a wreck and is fine, but that Jesse’s flipping out and needs me there, but doesn’t want me to see him like this.”

Carly says, “You’re going see him, right?”

“Yeah,” I answer, my breathing quickening as I walk faster than I probably ever have in my life.  I’d run if I didn’t have a book sack weighing twenty pounds on me.  Once we get to the sidewalk where the dorm is one way and the parking lot the other, I look at her and tell her, “I’ll text you, alright?”

“Of course,” she says, “Send my love, okay?”

“Okay,” I reassure her before turning to the side and then rushing down the sidewalk that runs the length of neighboring dorms.  Since Carly and I went out late last night for a fast food run, my car is in one of the furthest spots, and by the time I reach it I’m sure my cheeks are red from all the walking.

I work out every once in a while, but my mind is never spinning out of control like it is now.

His mom is at the hospital on the outskirts of town, and it takes me about twenty minutes of the most dangerous and ridiculous driving I’ve ever done to get there.  I probably got honked at about ten times, but I made it in half the time it usually takes.

Hannah told me that she’s already been moved from the emergency room and into her own room, and that I have to tell the lady that I’m family to get through.  She luckily sees the panic in my face and figures that it’s probably due to it being a family member, so she quickly lets me through and points me towards the elevator.

She’s on the sixth floor and the family is in the waiting room, according to Hannah’s earlier instructions, and luckily the waiting room is one of the first visible rooms once I’m out of the elevator.  A wall made of frosted glass keeps me from seeing just how upset he is, but I’d know that silhouette anywhere.

I round the corner of the wall and am finally able to see everyone, Peyton perched on top of Hannah’s lap as they look on together down at Hannah’s phone.  But I don’t pay them much attention as I hurry over to where Jesse’s in the corner of the room pacing, his arms crossed over his chest and his face the epitome of angst.

I don’t even think he notices I’m there until I walk up to him and grab at his arm, yanking it away from where it’s turning white underneath the pressure of his other.  “What are you doing here?” he asks, as I wrap that arm around my waist, pulling him in for a hug I need almost as much as he does.

He doesn’t hold me for long, despite how much I’d love to believe my hug would erase those stress lines around his eyes and marring his forehead.  He looks down at me and I can’t tell if he’s relieved or not to see me as I explain, “I heard about your mom, I figured you’d want…”

He cuts me off by turning away from me and glaring at Hannah, demanding of her, “Did you call her, Hannah?”

Hannah nervously looks away from her phone and over towards us, that open and bright look of her face I’ve come to know nowhere to be seen.  Suddenly I’m a bit worried that maybe she was a bit too generous about her mom’s condition, as there is overlying panic on each of them.  Surely if she was as okay as she said on the phone, they’d look more relieved than anything, right?

She says quietly but assuredly, “Yes, I know you said not to but I figured it would be for the better.”

Jesse moves in front of me, one of his arms extended behind him to keep me from moving forward.  He tells her pointedly, “Well you figured wrong.”

Figuring it’d be better for him to direct his anger at me rather than her, I grab at the arm keeping me at bay and force him to turn away from her and face me.  His jaw is tight and his firm expression locked, tension radiating from every single pore in his body.  I’ve never seen him like this before, so caged in, and it would severely worry me if it were any other circumstance.

While I wouldn’t know what it’s like to have a family member in the hospital, I can imagine.  I remember seeing my parents’ expressions when they came to my room after I’d been raped, and that was even after learning I was okay.  There’s something to be said for the unknown, especially the unknown in a place as known for heartbreak as a hospital.  And if that uncertainty involves someone you love well…I don’t even want to think about it.

I force Jesse to make eye contact with me even though I can tell he really doesn’t want to, and tell him, “Hannah thought this was the best thing for you.  She called me ‘cause she loves you.  So stop being so mean to her.”

Jesse doesn’t look overly enthused that I’m getting onto him, let alone that I’m even here.  I knew this was a possibility when I was on my way here, just because I know what it’s like to have comfort forced upon you when you are so certain you don’t need it.  Hell, his comfort has been pushed onto me a couple of times now.  It was never at this magnitude, no, but that could mean he needs me more than I did him.

He urges quietly, “You don’t need to be here.”

I’m not even the slightest bit swayed as I grab at his hand and force him to thread his fingers through my own.  I can feel just the tiniest bit of tension leave his system at the touch, so I tell him, “I want to be here.  For you.  Like you are for me when I need you.”

This doesn’t seem to change his mind even a little bit.  He says, “This is different, this is my mom.  This is a hospital, and I don’t know if she’s…”

It’s like he can’t even make himself finish the sentence.  My heart bleeds for him as I see how torn up he is, how absolutely terrified he is of anything happening to his mom, and it’s in this moment that I know he needs me here.  Even if he thinks he doesn't.  I don’t know what assures me of this so fully, but I just know.  Even if it’s for him to be angry at me so that his attention’s been swayed from his mom.

“It’s going to be alright,” I tell him tenderly, because in my heart I know it’s the honest-to-God truth.  This can’t be that kind of day, the kind of day where the most amazing family dynamic I’ve ever witness loses it’s dynamic core. I just know it can’t be.

He shakes his head at me, but even as he does so I feel his fingers tighten their grip on my own.  It’s the reassurance for me to know I’m doing all right, this whole comforting thing, so I take another move forward.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” I ask him softly, not wanting to tread on anything that’s too hard for him to talk about.

“He just…” he shakes his head again, and I watch with a heavy heart as he takes his free hand to nervously run through his already heavily disheveled hair.  He pulls on the ends as if to focus on that pain instead of the pain going on here, now, and it almost puts tears in my eyes.  With my free hand I tug his arm down and place it on my hips, knowing that if he needs to fidget with something he won’t waste a second in letting it be me.

In a slightly broken voice he says, “Some dumb fuck wasn’t looking and…and she was coming out of the Wal-Mart parking lot and his light was red but he ran it and just plowed right into her, and she hadn’t even finished turning so his God-damn suburban plowed right into her fucking minivan.  Right into her door.”

“Oh my God,” I whisper, completely horrified.  I had no idea it was going to be something like that, not with the way Hannah was making it out to be.

He moves his hand from my waist and shrugs it into the air, and says, “And the doctor’s saying she has broken ribs and concussion for sure.  They’re more worried about internal bleeding because some of the ribs splintered and could have punctured something.”

“Jesse,” I sigh, trying to force down a voice full of tears in order to sound as hopeful as I can for him.  “I’m so sorry…” I whisper, not knowing what else to say or how else to go about this.  I don’t want to ask him anything else because he’s gotten so worked up just telling me about that, but at the same time I don’t want to just stand here and be completely useless.

He already doesn’t want me here, and if I want to prove to him that I can be someone for him to lean on, like a real couple would do, I have to do this right.  This all has to be okay.

“Where’s your dad?” I ask him, figuring the question is safe enough.

He says, “He’s back there with the doctors.  He came out about half-an-hour ago to tell me about the internal bleeding stuff, but he went back and we haven’t seen him since.”

“So he wasn’t in the car with her?” I clarify.

“No,” he answers.  “Thank God.”

Not really knowing what else to do, I tug his arm with the hand of his I’m holding and say, “Come on, let’s sit down.”

Luckily he doesn’t argue, and leads us around the row of chairs to the ones next to his little sisters.  He sits next to them as I sit next to him, an end table full of magazines to my other side.  He doesn’t let go of my hand even once, and once we’re sitting and I can tell some of that previous tension has evaporated, he pulls my hand onto his lap and starts to fiddle with my palm.

I don’t know how long we sit in that damn room, our minds full of unanswered questions and horrifying over imaginations.  I try to do my best to keep an optimistic point of view, but as the hours tick by I start to lose hope.  If it was an easy fix, they would’ve been done by now.  They would’ve had to be done.

So as the light filtering in through the large window begins to change color and vibrancy, the night beginning it’s steady takeover of the day, the feel of the room starts to change.  The anxious worry that’s been permeating the air has been replaced with a tired sense of hopelessness.

Their dad has come in a couple of times and told them that nothing’s changed, that their mom hasn’t waken up yet but that the odds of her doing so are in their best interest.  I can tell that he’s trying to keep a brave face for them all, since I’m doing the same thing, but when the clock ticks nine-thirty that night and he makes his way through the stark white hallway and over to us, I can see that keeping up the façade has gotten the best of him.

Jesse sits up straighter at the sight of him, as he’d been leaning further and further back into his chair as the night wore on, his eyes looking more and more bloodshot.  He wipes the hand that’s not intertwined with my own over his face as if it’ll rid of the sleepiness, and then asks his dad, “How is she?”

“She’s okay,” his dad answers for the millionth time this day, but this is the first time he follows it up with, “She’s awake.”

I can practically feel Jesse’s body sigh in relief.  Hannah says, “Thank God!  Is she okay?  Does she hurt?”

Her dad looks over her and gives her a slight, tired smile. “They have her on enough pain meds to where she doesn’t feel a thing.  She wants to see you all, but it can’t be for long, okay?”

Peyton asks her dad quietly, “Can she come home tonight?”

He shakes his head in response, “No she can’t.  They’re going to keep her here overnight to make sure the concussion passes, and to get her all situated for a cast.”

“A cast?” Jesse asks curiously, “I thought she broke ribs?”

“Her wrist too,” his dad says unhappily, “They didn’t figure that out ‘til she woke up and complained it was hurting.”

I hear Jesse curse underneath his breath at this news, so I give his hand a quick squeeze in a vague attempt at making him feel better.

His dad says, “Hannah, she’s in room 607, okay?  You and Peyton go on in, I have to talk to your brother.”

Hannah nods and then the of them head on towards the hallway their dad came out of earlier, Peyton clinging onto Hannah’s hand like it’s her lifeline.  It’s adorable in a bittersweet kind of way.

Jesse drops my hand for the first time in hours, ever since he used the bathroom, and then rises to his feet.  I decide it’s best to follow suit, but before I’m where I’m not wanted, I offer the idea, “I can leave if you…”

Jesse’s dad shakes his head, “No no, it’s okay.  Thank you for being here, by the way.”

“Of course,” I say simply.

He then looks towards Jesse and says, “I’m going to stay here with your mom.  Would it be at all possible for you stay at the house with the girls and get them to school tomorrow?”

Jesse nods and says, “I can stay but my first test is at eight.  Doesn’t Peyton’s school let in kind of late?”

His dad says, “Yeah.  Carpool doesn’t start until eight fifteen.”

Before I can even stop myself, I volunteer and say, “I can bring them if y’all need.  My test isn’t until noon.”

Jesse’s quick to say, “Mack, you don’t have to…”

I look at him intently and say in the most sincere voice I have, “No it’s totally fine.  If you need me and if that’s okay with you, I can bring them.”

Jesse’s dad says, “That’s be so helpful of you, Mackenzie.”

“Good,” I grin, wholly happy that I can be of any help.  Even though I managed to calm Jesse down when I got here, for the rest of the day I felt kind of useless.  I flipped through flashcards I’d made for my test tomorrow, and I made a dinner run to the McDonalds down the road, and that was it.

I mean, I guess that was all I could do.  But I still felt like there was something else I needed to help with. 

His dad says, “Well Jesse, why don’t you go say hi to your mom and then y’all get going?  It’s getting late.”

Jesse nods, but I can tell that he’s a bit apprehensive to leave me here by myself.  I quickly tell him, “I’m going to go to the bathroom, but tell your mom she’s in my prayers.”

He gives me a softly intimate smile before turning over his shoulder and then walking side-by-side with his father down the hallway.  Once they’re gone I let out a huge breath of relief, one that I haven’t allowed myself since I got here.  I didn’t want to say anything, but I’d started getting terrified that maybe she wasn’t going to pull through this, that something was going to go wrong.

I was so worried for them, and the magnitude of that worry still has me a bit shocked.  I knew that I cared for Jesse, of course I did, but I don’t think I ever realized just how much I actually do until today, when I realized that I care about him and his sisters and his parents.

How many people can say that after just a couple of months?

I’m so caught up in him, in his family, that I’m terrified I’m falling for him too quickly.

While in the bathroom I lightly splash my cheeks with cold water, not even caring when I see the tan lines of the makeup I put on earlier wiped away onto the paper towel.  I look at my reflection and see the stress etched into the corners of my eyes, the dullness of my cheeks, the chap of my lips.  I’m not exactly a looker right now, but for the first time I really just cannot care less.

I pull out my cell phone and text Carly that I’m bunking at Jesse’s to bring his sisters to school in the morning, and then after responding to her reply asking if his mom was okay, I slide it back into my pocket and then head back into the waiting room.

The three of them are standing there and waiting for me, Jesse’s eyes trained on my direction, and when he sees me come out he gives me that soft look he’s been giving me since he got used to me being here earlier.  I hurry over to them and then as we’re walking out of the hospital, I make sure to remind Jesse, “I don’t really remember how to get there, so I’m going to follow you.”

“Okay,” he says, and then for the rest of the walk through the parking lot we figure out where we parked in relation to each other and the best way to meet up so that I can follow him.

We pull into the driveway of his parents’ house a little after ten o’clock, and I’m completely exhausted by the time we do so.  Throughout the day I didn’t realize how emotionally draining the events of the day were, and now they’re finally catching up to me.

Everyone’s quiet as we make our way to the front door and Jesse pushes it open, and the two girls immediately head up the stairs and into their bedrooms.  If I’m emotionally tired and it wasn’t even my mother, I don’t even want to imagine how they’re feeling.

I walk deeper into the house and then rest my back against the back of the couch, watching as Jesse flicks the top lock and then sets the security system for the rest of the night.  Once he’s done he heads over to me and wastes no time in wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me into him and then burying his head into the crook of my neck.

The sudden affection catches me a bit off guard, as I figured he was so stressed about his mom to even think of me this way right now.  But as he hugs me and I latch onto him, it begins to sink in how much I really needed this.  After today I didn’t want to be considered as the girlfriend who didn’t know her boundaries, who showed up when she wasn’t wanted.  I was scared that he’d think I was far too serious about all of this, and that he’d run for

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