Everly

One of my biggest fear is opening to people about how I feel. I am so used to hiding emotions, that I am an expert, now. People say, the more you show people who you are, the more weak you become. People learn about your weaknesses and that can be scary as they can have power over you. To be open with people, is to be approachable and friendly; I am the total opposite of those traits- I am more on the awkward side of the paper.

Forgetting my pride and my awkwardness, I called Elliot after my shower, in hope that he was in a better mood to talk, what was the most least expected thing to happen was when I ended up speaking to Brianna. I should have seen that coming. Apparently, they are in some party, isn't it funny? I heard music blasting and crowds chanting, my heart burned with the thought of him spending time with Brianna instead of with me. For the first time, I knew what jealousy felt like and my mind clouded with the worse possible reasons why he did not want to talk to me about his problems. He wanted me to trust him, how can I when he doesn't trust me? He prefer parties and hanging out with people instead of talking about his problems and issues. I stammered like an idiot trying to come up with some stupid excuse of why I was looking for that guy, who of course does not give a piece of sh^t about me, but admit to have feelings for me. Infatuations is the better word for the feelings. He is just interested in me for the time being, that's all. I am a toy, that he plays with whenever he wants to and I allow him to play with me and my feelings.

That night, I told myself- Elliot Walker and I are better off without each other.

The next day, Elliot was waiting for me outside my place and I told Phillip if he can drop me off to school. He did not question me and just simply said Yes. Elliot did not expect that and I was glad Phillip stood his ground and did as I asked. Elliot had no choice, but to follow us from the behind.

"Is everything okay?" Phillip asked as he looked at the rear view mirror seeing Elliot's car behind us.

"He is complicated and I feel it is best we are better off as strangers."

Phillip did not say anything for sometime and he said, "Have you taken a chance yet, that you know that he is not worth in your life?"

"What do you mean?"

"How are you so sure?"

"He showed me numerous things."

"He showed you who he is or what you assume he is by the situation you saw? I may sound like I am defending him, but I am not. We all make mistakes in our lives, did you walk in on those regrets and mistakes in his life?"

"I walked in on those, but he doesn't want to explain those situation to me."

"Sometime, some people are too embarrassed to speak about things they have done, action is louder than that, you have to see the way he treats you, personally as an individual. Does it make sense to you?"

"He sometime treats me nice and sometime cold, when he is cold- he blocks me out completely and then returns to me when he is in a better mood, but the damage is already made because it shows he doesn't trust me enough to share his problems."

"Or could it be he is trying to show you the best side of him? Sometime, some people tend to react poorly when they are in the bad mood; if they return with a cool and collected mind to you, they might be trying to save regrets, but that is actually unhealthy as lack of communication leads to misunderstanding. Direct communication is very important in relationship, it not only help the people to figure out ways to solve problems without more problems and also helps in building a stable relationships. Indirect communication may lead to misunderstanding, assumptions, rumours and also creation of false story and that is where everything falls apart."

That hit me hard, I didn't realize this point of view existed until Phillip pointed out. I wondered if this is what exactly is going through Elliot's mind, was he afraid that I will be seeing the worse side of him or is there any other reason behind what he is doing.

When I see the familiar building in front of me. I said, "I tried communication, but I don't think it is working."

"Have you tried communication in a way that is suitable for both of you or You found a way to communicate that is good only for you, you have to see his side because it may be you are screaming your lungs out and he have his headphones on- communication should be where you are speaking to him while he is listening in eye levels. Communicating in the best way that ensures both parties are in the same boat and the same level. Patience is something that is needed in this communication practice, if you don't have patience to communicate, then don't expect any relationship with the people around you."

"Thank you." I said to him as I was getting ready to leave.

"Just have patience and look out for his actions, you never know- you might have missed something important while you were trying to figure out something else." He said. "I am always here for you." He reminded. "I love you, Everly."

I smiled and nodded my head, he knows I won't be saying that and I don't see any hope in his eyes either, but deep down he knows that I love him too.

Elliot parked his car in his usual spot, he was quick to be on my side, I see he wanted explanation and most likely wanted me to explain to him what the heck is going on.

"Are you ready to communicate? Because you have lots of explanations to do and I need answers, answers that may be difficult for you to answer. Are you ready for it?" I looked him straight in the eyes.

He seemed surprised and looked me straight in the eyes, trying to figure out what the heck is going on in my mind, he should have seen this coming. After yesterday, he should be expecting me to react to question to say something, anything than silence, but I think he assume I will choose silence, like always. Silence is like a pretentious thing, you pretend nothing happened and you keep quiet about it,but it slowly swallow you with guilt and reasoning of what ifs and I wonder why I was silent all this time?

Why I never stood up for the guy who got pushed in the hallway for wearing a sweater, that he love everyday. Why I never spoke up about someone else plagiarizing the work of others and blaming the other of plagiarizing, why I never stood up for Winnie, when she was getting humiliated by the whole school? Why I kept silent about this? Will I be able to explain to myself why I did that? I wondered to myself as I looked at the stormy green eyes staring right through me, burning holes in my heart as he stood silently.

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